I Cannot Walk Away
Remenissions
I began rack my brain about everything I had forgotten in the past 4 years. I guess now would be a good time to tell you what happened to me. I already told you my name and my lose association with Johnny Christ. We where engaged to be married what 3 years ago... It seems so long ago. So much has changed
I met Johnny in high school I was good, I should say very good friends with Zack baker aka Zacky vengeance. We grew up on the same street and became instant friends from listening to the same music. Anyways Zack introduced me to rest of his buddies Jimmy, Brian, Matt and then there was Johnny. I hit it off with the guys since they were easy to talk to and I has 3 older brothers, I was close to them at one point in time, but this was not that time. Johnny was younger then the rest of the group by a good 3 years, to me however it was okay since I too was born the same year he was, we are a month apart, he's November 18, I'm October 18. Funny how things work right.
We all became instant friends and I remember in high school things where crazy, the band preformed whenever and how ever they could. I think my most vivid memory was Jimmy jumping around like he was high on crack with these vivid clothing all crazy patterns scaring kids just bouncing around yelling and all i remember was laughing my ass off every time, even when I did not know him.. he just has that presence you know one you cannot ignore. That's how Zack put it, good old Jimmy him and I were always so close. Now, it's a much different story, I'm sure the guys would never look at me the same anymore or even want anything to do with me if they'd saw me and i am thankful they didn't see me that night. I heard Johnny got married. in fact I heard a lot of things coming in and out of the revolving door of the tattoo parlor, apparently they all where getting married sooner or later I mean Matt and Val have been together since like the beginning of high school and never left each other's sides. As for myself and Johnny we where supposed to be married about 3 years ago. I don't remember much about what happened but I know I somehow managed to fuck it up, it's kind of what I do.
I managed to get myself to my bed or my mattress really. I really did need to call Matt at the end of the week this shit really doesn't last long, and I somehow have to make it all last a week so I can have a paycheck and support my expensive habit. Now that I begin to think of if I am beginning to remember why I didn't get married, it was my wedding day and man I was happy as all hell, my dress was absolutely gorgeous it was a strapless dress with a sweetheart neckline and beading down to the middle of the dress and it came out in an A line shape. It had a low back so basically my whole back was out covered by some lace which went down the whole dress. Johnny knew I was getting into Drugs, he knew how bad I was getting and he knew i couldn't stop somehow I was already being consumed but it all and if was something we just put off, something that I did not know what going to be hard to ignore. I did not know everyone could see me that day high as all hell, god what a disappointment i was, to be honest I do not think I made it to the alter.
"I can't do this anymore Am... It's too much. Do you see how much you are hurting me, how much of a pain it would be for you to go out there like this, not able to stand not able to even speak and try to marry me when in the morning you won't know what happened and I will have to pick up all the pieces like I do every time you get high"[
I stood there speechless unable to move, I slowly nodded my head, that's when Johnny slipped the ring off my finger and kissed me on the forehead.. I did not know it would be the last time..
"I love you Amy rosselynd. But I cannot do this anymore, I wish you all the luck in the world"
It's been a long time since I ever spoke to the guys of avenged Sevenfold. I never thought I would be seeing them again, due to well... Things... the things I mentioned do not even cut the surface.. the shit I have done.. god only knows the shit I have said while high because I do not remember it all. I took out another needle, my last one for the week, this is going to be a hell week since it is only Tuesday I do not see Matt again until Friday night or Saturday morning.
I laid down with a strap of my arm not knowing I wasn't high yet, his face was in my head, his perfect face and all the pain in his face when he left me, all the pain I caused, All the money I stole all the harmful words I said to each and every one of them the weeks following them, I guess someone found out money was going missing even before I was kicked out. I found out about a year ago Johnny met some "wonderful" girl named Lacey, I have no idea what she looks like but I do not care, My heart began breaking thinking of someone else in my spot.. At least he is happy...
I looked down at my arm, I told you I cannot handle being sober it's too much for me, I went to find my secret stash, I have to keep it hidden just In case someone else in this shit hole finds it. This is stronger then Heroin believe me, and this time I need it. I need the rush, I crave the rush. I pushed the needled into my arm, damn I hate HATE needles and I decide to be a heroin addict. I began to think of all his tattoos, some I used to trace my fingers over memorized over them since they fit him like a glove. The substance began to make it's way into my veins calming me down and making me forget what I was saying. I began to get up, took my supplies with me and some non valuable things just incase I can score tonight.
I made my way out of the house, I never know where I am going when I get high but somehow it leads me into places I do not want to be in, or i find myself someplace of importance. I entered the doors of this bar, I knew this bar but like always I could not place it in my memory, I looked to the left and the pool table is what stood out to me, something about this table was in my memory but I did not know what I was doing here. I looked around my surroundings and there was nothing I could see, nothing familiar to me, so maybe I was in a good spot. I read the date om the tv at least I think it read December 11th now what the hell was December 11th, I knew that date but I did not know what it meant or why I was trying so hard to figure it out. I sat down in some arm chair by the pool table kind of away from everyone so I could sit and think.
Nothing.
Nothing was coming to my mind on what this date was, I must have been sitting there long enough not looking at anything in particular because someone ended up tapping me on the shoulder. I stood up, turned around and looked at this women. She had to be my height, very put together, had shoulder length straight brown hair. Her too I knew from someplace.. but i did not know where.
"Can I help you" I spat kind of annoyed she was disturbing me from my thoughts. She nodded her head yes clearly taken back at me because of my tone. I watched her take a step back from me and move out of the way, There a very angry looking person stood I was in deep shit, see the person who was looking at me was Tony, the owner of this bar. My eyes went wide I knew where I was and I knew what bar I was in, how could i have let this one slip my mind. Johnny's bar. I began to take a step back when I felt myself hit into something, none other then that stupid pool table.
By the way I now remember the pool table, for various reasons, one I passed out high as shit on this bar the day after my wedding and two it was the weekend after Johnny threw up on the bar and he proposed at this pool table, pool was our thing.. And jack Daniels therefore his favorite drink, long island ice teas. Tony looked at me like he was going to kill me, why does everyone in this place always want to kill me. I think I forgot to pay him or something 3 years ago... what the hell did I do this time, think dammit think!
"Long time no see Amy" He hissed at me. Oh great I knew I did something bad this time. I looked around me and noticed that girl was gone. who the hell was she anyways.
"T... T... Tony" I questioned clearly trying to run like a bat out of hell, things can only get worse from here. I watched him nod and he pointed mentioning me to turn around. I slowly turned around and there standing back against the bar was none other then Matt, no not my drug dealer the M.shadows Matt. Shit I never wanted to run so fast in my life out of this building and I knew my high was wearing off and I would be in more deep shit.
But if Matt is here then... I turned around fully and looked to the left of Matt, there sitting on a stool was Brian, I am in deep shit now. I looked to the right of Matt was Jimmy... Oh god get me out of here not my best friend. I turned around the hairs of my neck standing up, I felt like I wanted to cry I knew I needed more drugs and I needed them fast. I could not help but wonder if someone sent them for me, the punishment someone gave me to make me pay for what I did. I looked in the far back corner there stood Zack with this arms over his chest clearly ready to pounce on me if given the change. I couldn't bring myself to look to the other side of Tony, I knew who would be there. When I finally looked there was two.. Val..
My eyes widened, I began to back even further away from the pool table and I saw the door and wanted to make a run for it but some strong arms gripped my shoulders holding me in place "Not today sweetheart" He hissed. I felt myself shiver and Brian pushed me back to my spot. There I saw Johnny with the saddest expression on his face, It was mixed with anger and I felt my heart break.
"Why am I here" I said sternly.
Tony looked at me dead in the eye "WHY" he yelled, I stood my ground, I guess everyone forgot I served in the army for 6 years since i was 19. Tony and I shared our battle scares and our stories, He was the first one Johnny told when he was going to marry me, man was he excited. But now that excitement was such horror and anger he looked like he wanted to beat the shit out of me for what I had done. They all moved behind Tony so I could see all their faces, all wanting to hurt me, except Jimmy, he had this sympathetic look on his face, he should't waste his time feeling sorry for me. I could not look at them, not even Val the one person who felt like my sister who we went wedding dress shopping with, and getting our nails done, and daily coffee runs to get away from the guys for a second so we could have girl time. I was really close with these people, they where there when My brothers went into the army and have not gotten out since. I haven't heard from them yet and I still wonder if they are alive.
"Do you have anything to say Bitch" Zack hissed at me, "Well no I don't" I smirked back at him. Matt caught the back of his shirt before he could throw a punch at me. I turned my head around and there was Jimmy's face nose to nose looking right at me like he was peering into my soul or something jimmy like. I tried to pull myself away forgetting someone was behind me keeping me in my place. Oh yeah, the pool table. I looked around and found Johnny sitting in the corner with that girl... his head was in his hands and she seemed to be comforting him, I looked at this left hand... something was there, she clearly didn't have a wedding ring on.. but when I began to think about it, think back to our wedding, the bands.. He never took off the wedding ring I gave him.
I woke up hours later with a massive headache, the sweats and the chills all at once, it felt like death was using me as a punching bag. I reached up to my head to get my glasses, I need new contacts, better call Matt. Why does that name sound familiar. Did I tell Zack a happy birthday... I found a note on my chest.
Until next time- Z
I met Johnny in high school I was good, I should say very good friends with Zack baker aka Zacky vengeance. We grew up on the same street and became instant friends from listening to the same music. Anyways Zack introduced me to rest of his buddies Jimmy, Brian, Matt and then there was Johnny. I hit it off with the guys since they were easy to talk to and I has 3 older brothers, I was close to them at one point in time, but this was not that time. Johnny was younger then the rest of the group by a good 3 years, to me however it was okay since I too was born the same year he was, we are a month apart, he's November 18, I'm October 18. Funny how things work right.
We all became instant friends and I remember in high school things where crazy, the band preformed whenever and how ever they could. I think my most vivid memory was Jimmy jumping around like he was high on crack with these vivid clothing all crazy patterns scaring kids just bouncing around yelling and all i remember was laughing my ass off every time, even when I did not know him.. he just has that presence you know one you cannot ignore. That's how Zack put it, good old Jimmy him and I were always so close. Now, it's a much different story, I'm sure the guys would never look at me the same anymore or even want anything to do with me if they'd saw me and i am thankful they didn't see me that night. I heard Johnny got married. in fact I heard a lot of things coming in and out of the revolving door of the tattoo parlor, apparently they all where getting married sooner or later I mean Matt and Val have been together since like the beginning of high school and never left each other's sides. As for myself and Johnny we where supposed to be married about 3 years ago. I don't remember much about what happened but I know I somehow managed to fuck it up, it's kind of what I do.
I managed to get myself to my bed or my mattress really. I really did need to call Matt at the end of the week this shit really doesn't last long, and I somehow have to make it all last a week so I can have a paycheck and support my expensive habit. Now that I begin to think of if I am beginning to remember why I didn't get married, it was my wedding day and man I was happy as all hell, my dress was absolutely gorgeous it was a strapless dress with a sweetheart neckline and beading down to the middle of the dress and it came out in an A line shape. It had a low back so basically my whole back was out covered by some lace which went down the whole dress. Johnny knew I was getting into Drugs, he knew how bad I was getting and he knew i couldn't stop somehow I was already being consumed but it all and if was something we just put off, something that I did not know what going to be hard to ignore. I did not know everyone could see me that day high as all hell, god what a disappointment i was, to be honest I do not think I made it to the alter.
"I can't do this anymore Am... It's too much. Do you see how much you are hurting me, how much of a pain it would be for you to go out there like this, not able to stand not able to even speak and try to marry me when in the morning you won't know what happened and I will have to pick up all the pieces like I do every time you get high"[
I stood there speechless unable to move, I slowly nodded my head, that's when Johnny slipped the ring off my finger and kissed me on the forehead.. I did not know it would be the last time..
"I love you Amy rosselynd. But I cannot do this anymore, I wish you all the luck in the world"
It's been a long time since I ever spoke to the guys of avenged Sevenfold. I never thought I would be seeing them again, due to well... Things... the things I mentioned do not even cut the surface.. the shit I have done.. god only knows the shit I have said while high because I do not remember it all. I took out another needle, my last one for the week, this is going to be a hell week since it is only Tuesday I do not see Matt again until Friday night or Saturday morning.
I laid down with a strap of my arm not knowing I wasn't high yet, his face was in my head, his perfect face and all the pain in his face when he left me, all the pain I caused, All the money I stole all the harmful words I said to each and every one of them the weeks following them, I guess someone found out money was going missing even before I was kicked out. I found out about a year ago Johnny met some "wonderful" girl named Lacey, I have no idea what she looks like but I do not care, My heart began breaking thinking of someone else in my spot.. At least he is happy...
I looked down at my arm, I told you I cannot handle being sober it's too much for me, I went to find my secret stash, I have to keep it hidden just In case someone else in this shit hole finds it. This is stronger then Heroin believe me, and this time I need it. I need the rush, I crave the rush. I pushed the needled into my arm, damn I hate HATE needles and I decide to be a heroin addict. I began to think of all his tattoos, some I used to trace my fingers over memorized over them since they fit him like a glove. The substance began to make it's way into my veins calming me down and making me forget what I was saying. I began to get up, took my supplies with me and some non valuable things just incase I can score tonight.
I made my way out of the house, I never know where I am going when I get high but somehow it leads me into places I do not want to be in, or i find myself someplace of importance. I entered the doors of this bar, I knew this bar but like always I could not place it in my memory, I looked to the left and the pool table is what stood out to me, something about this table was in my memory but I did not know what I was doing here. I looked around my surroundings and there was nothing I could see, nothing familiar to me, so maybe I was in a good spot. I read the date om the tv at least I think it read December 11th now what the hell was December 11th, I knew that date but I did not know what it meant or why I was trying so hard to figure it out. I sat down in some arm chair by the pool table kind of away from everyone so I could sit and think.
Nothing.
Nothing was coming to my mind on what this date was, I must have been sitting there long enough not looking at anything in particular because someone ended up tapping me on the shoulder. I stood up, turned around and looked at this women. She had to be my height, very put together, had shoulder length straight brown hair. Her too I knew from someplace.. but i did not know where.
"Can I help you" I spat kind of annoyed she was disturbing me from my thoughts. She nodded her head yes clearly taken back at me because of my tone. I watched her take a step back from me and move out of the way, There a very angry looking person stood I was in deep shit, see the person who was looking at me was Tony, the owner of this bar. My eyes went wide I knew where I was and I knew what bar I was in, how could i have let this one slip my mind. Johnny's bar. I began to take a step back when I felt myself hit into something, none other then that stupid pool table.
By the way I now remember the pool table, for various reasons, one I passed out high as shit on this bar the day after my wedding and two it was the weekend after Johnny threw up on the bar and he proposed at this pool table, pool was our thing.. And jack Daniels therefore his favorite drink, long island ice teas. Tony looked at me like he was going to kill me, why does everyone in this place always want to kill me. I think I forgot to pay him or something 3 years ago... what the hell did I do this time, think dammit think!
"Long time no see Amy" He hissed at me. Oh great I knew I did something bad this time. I looked around me and noticed that girl was gone. who the hell was she anyways.
"T... T... Tony" I questioned clearly trying to run like a bat out of hell, things can only get worse from here. I watched him nod and he pointed mentioning me to turn around. I slowly turned around and there standing back against the bar was none other then Matt, no not my drug dealer the M.shadows Matt. Shit I never wanted to run so fast in my life out of this building and I knew my high was wearing off and I would be in more deep shit.
But if Matt is here then... I turned around fully and looked to the left of Matt, there sitting on a stool was Brian, I am in deep shit now. I looked to the right of Matt was Jimmy... Oh god get me out of here not my best friend. I turned around the hairs of my neck standing up, I felt like I wanted to cry I knew I needed more drugs and I needed them fast. I could not help but wonder if someone sent them for me, the punishment someone gave me to make me pay for what I did. I looked in the far back corner there stood Zack with this arms over his chest clearly ready to pounce on me if given the change. I couldn't bring myself to look to the other side of Tony, I knew who would be there. When I finally looked there was two.. Val..
My eyes widened, I began to back even further away from the pool table and I saw the door and wanted to make a run for it but some strong arms gripped my shoulders holding me in place "Not today sweetheart" He hissed. I felt myself shiver and Brian pushed me back to my spot. There I saw Johnny with the saddest expression on his face, It was mixed with anger and I felt my heart break.
"Why am I here" I said sternly.
Tony looked at me dead in the eye "WHY" he yelled, I stood my ground, I guess everyone forgot I served in the army for 6 years since i was 19. Tony and I shared our battle scares and our stories, He was the first one Johnny told when he was going to marry me, man was he excited. But now that excitement was such horror and anger he looked like he wanted to beat the shit out of me for what I had done. They all moved behind Tony so I could see all their faces, all wanting to hurt me, except Jimmy, he had this sympathetic look on his face, he should't waste his time feeling sorry for me. I could not look at them, not even Val the one person who felt like my sister who we went wedding dress shopping with, and getting our nails done, and daily coffee runs to get away from the guys for a second so we could have girl time. I was really close with these people, they where there when My brothers went into the army and have not gotten out since. I haven't heard from them yet and I still wonder if they are alive.
"Do you have anything to say Bitch" Zack hissed at me, "Well no I don't" I smirked back at him. Matt caught the back of his shirt before he could throw a punch at me. I turned my head around and there was Jimmy's face nose to nose looking right at me like he was peering into my soul or something jimmy like. I tried to pull myself away forgetting someone was behind me keeping me in my place. Oh yeah, the pool table. I looked around and found Johnny sitting in the corner with that girl... his head was in his hands and she seemed to be comforting him, I looked at this left hand... something was there, she clearly didn't have a wedding ring on.. but when I began to think about it, think back to our wedding, the bands.. He never took off the wedding ring I gave him.
I woke up hours later with a massive headache, the sweats and the chills all at once, it felt like death was using me as a punching bag. I reached up to my head to get my glasses, I need new contacts, better call Matt. Why does that name sound familiar. Did I tell Zack a happy birthday... I found a note on my chest.
Until next time- Z