I Cannot Walk Away

I laid myself on the bed, staring at nothing in particular, something to pass the time. For some reason this time I knew what I was doing, Although I got high by the time I entered Alex's apartment The high had already warn off. I knew somehow he knew what we were doing, I got up, walked to where my stash was and to no surprise it was empty . What the hell am I doing that is making this shit go like water? I didn't have an answer for myself because half the time I was drunk or getting myself into too much trouble to know what I was doing using all my drugs at one point. But this time I did remember I should not go into work today, well cool Alex gave me the day off. Now what to do with it.

I wondered around the park taking in all the scenery and such, it sure was a nice day out I am surprised I did not notice it before. I guess that's the thing with living in California, it's always beautiful here and there's always a mix of people, some like me, some rich people and I guess your average folk too. I made my way to the local high school, my high school it brings back so many found memories watching one of my good friends bounce around being crazy as can be, meeting some of the greatest people in the world that included meeting my was to be husband. As I sat and thought about what happened since then.

In the back of my head I did miss Johnny, But I was too fucked up then to even care about anything else besides myself. I remember stealing a good thousand from the wedding gifts before I snuck out the back door. It all went to drugs, everything went to drugs, I sold my body too. I guess once he left I became cold, nothing could take the pain away and the only thing that would take the pain away is if I did not have the pain, one hit became two a day, then three and so forth until I was using everyday, I wanted so badly to not have to feel the pain of not having him around, and if there is someone else I pray to god they make him happy.

I made my way back to the house, looking for my next hit. When I entered my room I spotted Matt standing in my doorway smoking a cigarette.

"where have you Been A" he asked in a low voice, I smirked at his comment, and crossed my arms over my chest.

"No where really, just been trying to get my mind off things" I replied, If I played him right, he would drop me some, without charging me a dime, Matt was good to me like that, when I took care of him, he took care of me. I met him right around the time I got engaged, and we ended up having sex in the parking lot in his car when he gave me drugs for the first time. I did not know it would be the first of many times we would have this exchange and it became a habit for the two of us but believe me nothing serious, this was strictly business.

"Here" he smirked throwing a week of supply at me, I looked back at him in shock as he came up to me, his face just inches to mine.

"Now you owe me doll face" He whispered seductively, I watched him leave out of the house as I locked my door before anyone else here could even think of getting what I had. I walked over to the wall as I was getting out my stuff, there was a note plastered to my wall.

Avenged Sevenfold Live tonight 8-12 am

Hard rock cafe on smith ave

He was in that band, my eyes widened as I held the note in my hand, was Matt trying to tell me something, I looked around and saw my other note with the letter Z on it, these two things have to be connected but how. Thank god Alex gave me today off but I am thinking I am going to be needing another day off.

I tightened the strap on my arm and took a good look at it, I was beginning to wear out my own arm, maybe it was time to changed arms or move to my legs or something. I made a fist and made sure I would be able to get the needle in right. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as my mouth began to salivate, knowing what was happening I could not wait until that feeling came over me, like I was floating on air, like I was not me anymore that something else had taken control of me and let me relax for a while. This was the feeling I needed all the time. I never wanted it to end.

I found myself at the entrance of the hard rock cafe just like the paper had said. I did not need directions to this place I knew where it was, Johnny took me here as one of our first dates, I do not remember the band we saw but I remember his face and how he would never take his eyes off me, how I was the love of his life.

I made my way to the bar, "Jack Daniels please" I said as sweet as can be, I winked at the bartender as he handed me my drink and then turned around, 1...2.....3 Snatch! Bottle was mine again, damn these bastards where easy. I decided to walk around again, keeping my bottle close to my chest as I did not want anyone to steal it, damn Jimmy would be proud of me. I found the stage and soon enough I heard The drums pick up, as I made my way closer I could see Jimmy sitting, playing as the rest of the band moved about doing their thing, I had my eyes locked on Johnny as the entire night went by, I do not know if he saw me but I needed to find out, then again I needed to find a bathroom and maybe another JD...

Once moving away from my spot I snuck behind the stage and saw a bathroom, dear lord and thank god, I hurried in, locked the door and did my business. After doing what I needed to do, I rolled up my sleeve still seeing my arm band in place, I kept it there in case of emergencies and this was it, I let the high go for too long and now I was on the down fall. I heard someone banging on the door trying to get in, Shit. I hurried up, stabbing myself as I got the drugs in my system realizing my arm was stringing, I put my sunglasses on and went to face who was being a pain in the ass.

I noticed him Immediately none other then Brian Hanner Jr, aka Synyster gates. My old partner in crime buddy, we used to be best buds and would always cause trouble with everyone, even Michelle, his now wife and my other former best friend. "Well excuse me sir, can't give a lady some privacy" I questioned him all sweet as can be, he looked at me dumbfounded like I just slapped him in the face.

Silly Brian, I waited for his response "I.. I.. Shit I am sorry Ma'am you see this is for uh, the band and all and uh" his voice trailed off and I noticed Matt standing behind him giving me a what the fuck face. I wondered if he knew it was me, probably not, "Bri what the hell are you doing" he asked and Brian turned around and pointed back at me all confused "She uh doesn't she man look" Matt put a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. I was laughing my ass off in my head, dear god men its me! It's Amy.

Matt spoke up "Sorry ma'am would you like to spend some time with us, you know to make up for the inconvenience my dear guitarist had caused you" he said sweet talking me, oh shadz I know you too well, that won't work on me, maybe other ladies you would like to sleep with but not me. I smiled at him and placed my hand on my hip "Sorry shadz maybe next time" I said as sweet as I can before turning to leave, knowing I was leaving the two men dazed and confused, no way they would think it was me, I was dead to them.

"Hey" Matt hollered after me "What did you just call me" He continued to yell and I saw Johnny appear next to him like he was looking for me, I took my sunglasses off and began waving to them like the biggest idiot I could think off. Jimmy was all of a sudden there too and Zack glaring at me.

"Hey Jimbo boo look at what I did" I yelled as I took a swig of my drink, I saw it in his eyes he wanted to give me a thumbs up but I then saw the anger in his eyes. Johnny's eyes where filled with sadness, filled with pain and he looked like he wanted to cry. Out of nowhere Zack came up and grabbed my shoulders "Don't you ever come back around here you crazy good for nothing bitch" he spat. I smiled looking into his green eyes, he looked hot, and reeked of the same thing I was drinking.

"Oh Zacky why would I ever do that, you said until next time" I smirked and I saw fire in his eyes. He was the one who put the note on my chest, Somehow I remember more when I am high then when I am sober and the alcohol was working in my favor tonight.

"You do not know the amount of pain you caused us, Caused him" he shouted while being inches from my face, I could feel his breath on me and I knew he always had a thing for me, Zack was such a ladies man and I am surprised he was still with one women. I began to press my hips into his as I could feel his body relax a little bit. Zack moved away from me looking at me dead in the eye. "Don't come near me, don't come near any of us" He yelled his finger shaking as he tried to show me he was dominant. I smirked and pushed past Zack and came face to face with none other then Jimmy, I knew they would all keep us apart.

"Amy" he whispered softly to me, he was always such a giant teddy bear. I nodded "Yes jimmy lou its me" I said nice as I could, I could never be mad at him, not ever we were such good friends, him Bri and I were the three musketeers. You name it we did it and we raised hell. His eyes so blue had so much hurt in them, so much pain shown through them and he walked away with his head down. None of the guys wanted anything to do with me since what happened.

"A.. Amy" A voice perked up, I whipped around and about three feet from me, hands in his pockets, damn he still had that Mohawk and it looked damn good. I wonder if anyone could see me smiling. I looked up at him as he made eye contact with me, without warning a burning pain came into my body, it felt like i was being set on fire. I looked as Johnny as he looked as he wanted to cry, god all I wanted to do was hold him and make the pain go away, but then I realized that pain was me.

"Johnny... I" I began "Save it bitch" Brian growled pulling me away from where he was standing. "Brian please" I whispered looking into his dark brown eyes, somewhere deep inside he had to forgive me, he needed to I mean we shared so much together. He looked at me with such sadness as he let go of my arm and walked away. I made my way back to where Johnny was only to see another women standing here comforting him as he cried into her shoulder. I felt a pain go into my heart and I felt someone take my arm and lead me away. I didn't want to look I didn't even want to care anymore, I knew I made a mistake and I was too late to fix it.

Jason berry took me back to my house, he always acted like my big brother. He walked me to my bedroom as I collapsed on my bed crying. "You know Ams maybe you should get help if he sees you are cleaning yourself up maybe you both can talk again" he spoke softly as he rubbed my back. "fucking Christ Jb what the hell did I do, I made such a mistake going there tonight, tell me something Jb is she his wife, is she taking good care of him" I sobbed.

It took him a while to respond but when he finally did, I felt relief "well yes Ams she's taking care of him just fine but he isn't the same, everyone has been telling him to marry her but he refuses too, between you and I he has been waiting for you" he spoke softly before continuing "Lacey is a sweetheart but she is not you, she does not keep on his ass or theirs, she does not want to play beer pong with Brian and Jimmy and sing so loud that the neighbors are screaming, or she does not walk around at set practice snapping her fingers at the set of the clicker making sure they are all on point" He continues, "Johnny says she does not cuddle the same, she does not have that full of life spirit you have, not drawing, doesn't like dog, hey you remember cooper, well he's been looking for you" I heard Jason sniffle as he got off my head. "Berry please do me a favor and tell Johnny I'm sorry, tell him I miss him, please" I cried harder, I missed everything about him, his laugh, his silly nose ring, his tattoos, us cuddling when we where on the bus at night and talked about everything and anything.

I saw Jason nod in the moonlight before kissing me on the cheek as he shut the door behind me. I couldn't sleep at all that night, Johnny's face kept coming into my head and I missed him so much. I guess I never realized how much I missed him, how much I spilled my guts out when I was high. I missed having someone next to me. I realized something, I grabbed my phone, I remembered I still had his number in my phone, I hit dial and put the phone to my ear.

"H hello" he slurred, I must have woken him up.

"Hello" he said louder, sounding annoyed

"Johnny" I whispered into the phone, there was silence for a few seconds before he spoke again.

"Amy" He whispered, I felt tears falling out of my eyes, this time after the high wore off I did not bother taking another hit something in me did not want to.

"Yes, I am" I paused for a second not knowing if I should continue "I'm lonely" I finished beginning to cry again. I could tell he knew I was crying and I wanted nothing more for him to comfort me.

"Amy I can't help you I need to go" He hung up the phone and I cried for about another hour watching the sun come up, I felt the shakes begin and I felt the sweats begin, god I knew it would be a long day but I just couldn't bring myself to take another hit.

All I wanted was him, he was the drug I needed and the one I craved, he was the one that got away.