Lie With Me

I smiled, not quite knowing where to look. I wished I could’ve seen those beautiful blue orbs, even though they were closed, I felt like they were looking straight into my soul right now and I felt like crying. He looked so peaceful lying there, his face calm and hands resting a crossed position. Gently, i took his hand and placed something into his palm. I carefully shut his hand, my fingers lingering there for a few moments. He didn’t look dead, he still looked like my Jim.

This was the man I had loved for nine years, the one person who understood my strange personality, the one man who had finally shown me what it was like to experience love and now he was gone. I had refused to believe up until today, I had lied to myself, told myself that I wouldn’t accept it until I saw him for myself and well now he was here I didn’t know I was ready to accept it.

James Owen Sullivan, or more commonly known as the ‘The Rev’ was not only my husband, but my best friend and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I didn’t know where to start, it wasn’t fair.

I cried, lonely, bitter tears as I stood there staring at him. I couldn’t even begin to describe the emotion in my stomach it was churning around, I felt sick to the core. It was pure anguish at seeing my dead, pale husband lying in a box waiting to be buried. I had to accept that even though he may look like Jim, that it was just a shell, that his soul was still in our memory and in our hearts.

I was angry at him for leaving me here, alone when he promised he’d love me forever. It seemed now that in sickness and in health, till death do us part was a bitter joke. I mean he was only 28, he was too young to be gone forever. Even now I still pictured him coming through the front door drunk or bounding in, grinning like a madman.

After he’d died, I had taken all of the Christmas decorations down in a fit of anger. I came home from the mortuary and got blind drunk on a two litre bottle of Jack Daniels, the same bottle I’d gotten Jimmy for his Christmas.

“Jimmy where are you taking me?” I squealed as he covered my eyes with his black scarf, tying it loosely around my head.

He chuckled, placing his large hands on my hips so he could lead the way. “Well, that would be ruining my surprise,” he lips brushed against my ear causing me to shiver. “And where’s the fun in that, baby?”

I giggled and shook my head, it was our 4th anniversary so I figured he was up to something but I couldn’t quite pin anything down. He had even driven us somewhere so our current location was a complete surprise to me.

“Right, we are here!” he exclaimed, holding me in place. Carefully he untied the scarf and whispered into my ear for me to open my eyes.

I gasped at the sight, the tears threatening to fall. We were in the forest were we first met by the old oak tree, he’d decorated all of the nearby trees with hundreds of fairy lights and candles. Right next to the oak tree there was a blanket with a chinese take out bag on top and i giggled.

“You didn't see anything!!”

I smiled, kissing him gently. “Honestly this is beautiful Jim, you didn’t have to go to all this effort. I love you so much.”

He winked, taking my hand. “You haven’t seen anything yet babe.”

Now I realised why he had made me get dressed up and it also explained why he was wearing a shirt. That had really surprised me as I knew he hated anything that resembled the look of his 5th grade maths teacher, a quote from Jim right there.

He sat me down and began to dish up our food on plastic plates. I giggled and shook my head at him. “Your something else Jimmy Sullivan but I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

“I love you, Katy. I’d do anything for you.” he whispered, his blue eyes sparkling in the light.

We ate our food, well I tried. Jimmy kept being silly which made me laugh from the pit of my stomach. Its one of the things that first drew to me him, his personality was electric. He pulled me into his arms so he could lay us down on the ground.

We didn’t speak for a few moments, we lay there looking up into the stars, Jimmy’s arms wrapped around me. This was one of the few moments i’d cherish forever, i felt like a shift in our relationship marked something significant. We shared a love so deep and so passionate that it wasn’t always necessary to vocalise it. We just knew.

He shifted round so he could look at me, however I noticed he was fidgeting. I leaned up onto my elbows and frowned at him.

“What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, smiling. Those beautiful blue eyes of his took away any uncertainty I had before. “I’m so happy I’m your guy, Katy. The last four years have been a whirlwind but I wouldn’t have done it any differently. You complete me, not only are you a wonderful, beautiful woman who is funny, smart and caring, you actually put up with my childish behaviour. You make me want to be a better man and that’s never happened before.”

I felt the tears began to roll down my cheeks and Jim smiled, wiping them away. “It’s true, I know times have been rough but we pulled through babe. So what I really want to know is if you’ll be Mrs Sullivan?”

He pulled a beautiful topaz and diamond ring out of his pocket and I squealed, my eyes bulging in surprise.

“Yes! Yes! YES!” I squealed, kissing him all over and pulling him to the ground, the passion and lust filling my mind.

I unlocked my car, quickly getting inside so I could hide my face from public view. I sat there for a few moments, my head in my hands. My make up was surely ruined by now as I had been crying my heart out for the last twenty minutes.

I wasn't ready to face this on my own. Jim and I had been friends since were 7 and now I felt like I was alone in the world.

My phone vibrating on the dash brought me out of my thoughts, I answered, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

“Katy,” Val’s soft voice came from the other line. “are you still at the funeral home? me and Matty are worried about you..”

I sighed, running my hand through my hair and switching the ignition on. “I’ll be home soon.”

I hung out and put my phone into the glove box. Poor Val, apart from my mother, she’d been most worried about me. Out of all of Jim’s friends she was always the mother figure though, always worrying, she was the one everyone relied on to be their rock. I think it took it’s toll on her sometimes, however I’d never seen her crack. She was a strong woman and I admired her for it.

The drive home was relatively enjoyable because I had managed to switch off. I’d done all of my crying for the day when I went to visit him and now I just felt numb to the world. I think I needed to feel like that for a while, to forget about my life for a bit.

Lately I had often looked at older couples, wondering what it must be like to spend your life with that one person who makes it all seem worthwhile and I smiled. I genuinely felt like there may be hope in the future for someone like me, I mean I wasn’t the only one who’d experienced grief.

Heartbreak is a selfish emotion really. It consumes your every waking thought and regardless of what might be happening in the world or even if your friend’s had a bad day, all you can think about is yourself and the injustice you have experienced. I often forgot how my friends felt about Jim’s death, truth is no one really spoke about it. It was a taboo subject, we were scared by our emotions.

My mother thought that once we said goodbye to him properly we could begin the grieving process and I guess she had a point. We all still hoped that this was some cruel practical joke and somehow he’d coming bounding through the door just like he always did.

Since his death I hadn’t been eating, I looked ill and even I had to admit I looked frail. I smoothed out my skirt and made my way up to the front door, secretly hoping no one would be home. However, the door swung open before I had a chance to reach for the handle.

Val’s small figure appeared at the doorway. She shot me an unsure smile and gestured for me to step inside. Everyone was putting a brave face on, that much was obvious. Although it was also obvious that any one of us could crack at any moment, it was just a matter of time.

“Tea?” she asked, standing at the arm of the sofa. I shook my head, taking note that she had been sitting in the dark. She seemed to notice my questioning look. “Sorry Matt was out and I figured i’d just have some alone time.”

I nodded. “Tea would be lovely.”

She disappeared into the kitchen just as Matt came home. He took his sunglasses off, jumping slightly.

“Didn’t see you there, Kat! you gave me a fright!” he chucked, enveloping me in a hug. He pulled away and grinned down at me. “Now where’s that wife of mine?”

“In the kitchen.”

He sat down opposite me, his smile faltering. I could tell he had something on his mind, Matt was never quiet.

His hazel eyes bore into mine, “are you ready for tomorrow?”

I sighed, shrugging my shoulders. “Honestly Matt? I really don’t know.”

“Me either.”

I looked into the full length mirror, admiring my outfit with a sad smile. I was wearing a black blazer along with a black skirt, heels and red lipstick. The lipstick was my own personal touch as I knew Jimmy loved it when I wore it.

“You look beautiful Katy.” I gasped and turned around, looking into the empty room. I could’ve swore I’d heard his voice. With a shaky breath, I shook my head and turned back to the mirror.

When I looked back round my eyes widened in shock and as I felt arms wrap around my petite waist, my strong facade began to crumble. There stood my Jimmy, his head on my shoulder as he smiled at me through the mirror.

“Don’t cry, I’ll only be gone for a while,” He whispered, smiling. “Just know that I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn't want to leave you here alone. You’ve got to be strong now but not for me, for yourself and you’ve got all the support in the world. We had an amazing time together and you were my soulmate but I need you to be happy again. Whenever your feeling down just look up into the stars and know I’m watching over you. We’ll meet again babe, and it better be when your old and wrinkled.”

The image of him disappeared then and I took a deep breath. He was right, I couldn’t just give up, the world would go on without me. I had to look at our time together as a blessing, our marriage may not have been long but at least we were happy.

Michelle knocked on the door to let me know the cars had arrived. Well it was now or never, I could do this. I took a deep breath and held my head up high as I made my way outside where my friends and family were waiting. My mom shot me a reassuring look as the driver opened the door and I stepped into the car.

The drive to the cemetery wasn’t long but it felt like an age. It was a beautiful day outside, the sun was shining and there was not one cloud in the sky, much like my wedding day had been. We pulled up outside a small plot of land where Jim’s headstone was situated.

The funeral procession gathered and I made my way over to Matt and Val. Matt was in bit’s, he was using his sunglasses to cover his eyes from view. Val was squeezing his hand, their hands intertwined as she rested her head on his arm.

We didn’t say anything to each other. I looked around the semi circle of people in awe, being genuinely surprised at how many people had turned up. All our friends and family of course, we wanted his send off to be personal. I was proud to know that my husband had such an effect on other people’s lives.

The funeral seemed to fly by because I was soon standing above Jim’s grave, staring down at the mahogany casket. This was really goodbye, if only for a while. I had no idea how long I’d been standing there, although I did hear the funeral finish quite some time ago. The tears rolled down my cheeks, and instead of throwing dirt into his grave, I decided to give him something more precious.

Smiling, I looked down at my barren finger, rubbing it gently. Jim didn’t have anything of mine to remember me by and I had so many of his things, so it only felt right. That day in the funeral parlour I’d given him my engagement ring, even though it was gone, I was still his wife and I didn't need a piece of metal to remind me of that.

“Goodbye babe, now you’ve got a part of me with you always. I love you Jimmy Sullivan.”

At the moment in time, the wind whistled past my ear and I could’ve sworn I heard his voice in the breeze, “I know you’ll find your own way when I’m not with you tonight.”