Reset

Here it comes again. That feeling. The Loss.
Not again. I don't want to do it again. I can't go through this again.
The introductions. The dates. The one sided goodbyes.
Why do I have to keep going through it, and be the only one to remember this pain?
I guess most would consider it innocent enough. After all, if someone you love dies, you'd want nothing more than to have another chance with them right? But at what point do you draw, and cross the line? When the one you love, becomes reckless and allows themselves death over and over again almost willingly? All unaware that their death...her death, is so important that time itself says no and resets itself to save her?
Here it comes. I swear I can almost see it with my eyes. The Reset.
When it hits it will start all over again. And who knows when the next one will come? Once it happened almost back to back. She was hit by a car, not twelve hours after the previous reset. Sick part was she jumped in front of it, right in front of me, as if she was mocking me. I didn't get time to grieve for that one, before she ever hit the ground the reset flashed and I was crying at a bus stop by myself for a death that hadn't happened yet. That would not happen the same way.
That's another sick twist. It’s never the same way twice. I've lost count for all the different ways it’s happened. But death never comes the same way twice.
I suppose a sane person would stay away. Get far away. Stop trying to be the hero.
I tried a few times. But the reset followed me. She needs me. And I need her. I need her more then the air I breathe.
I sound like a hopeless romantic, or a stalker. Totally pathetic right?
Sounds that way huh?
But no matter how many times I've tried getting on this bus and just riding away from her, missing this bus and walking away, or just getting away from all the memories lost to all but myself, I still find myself wandering back to this corner, leaning against this sign, as if my entire being is waiting for her to come from the park across the road and give me that damnable cute smile she gives when she sees something she likes.
Here it is. The empty feeling I get. Its frightening, like your heart is sinking into your stomach and then when the reset it done, it yanks back up past your chest and into your mouth, almost like your going to throw it up where you stand. It’s unbearable but thank god it doesn’t last long. As soon as it happens, it stops, and when I open my eyes I'm back at that bus stop, waiting for the six am pick up so I can go pick up my brother from a sleepover.
It’s the same as always. It’s a chilly morning, winter, but the snow is melting away. I'm standing on the side walk, leaned against the bus stop sign. I'd been out drinking the night before at my favorite bar and it was closing time so I walked out with Axel the owner as he closed up and wished him a good morning. Axel would go home to his daughter, wake her for school, make her breakfast, drive her to school and go home to crash out until she was done for the day.
I know because once I went with him and he told me. On a whim he offered me breakfast and a ride to my brother’s friend’s house, knowing I had no car and had to walk. I frequent his bar pretty often and over time, we'd become decent friends. But I won’t bother going with him this time. Let him sleep and spend time with his daughter, they deserve it. Besides, I want to see her again.
I keep my eyes on my sneakers and watched as the air released from my mouth like steam, I kind of wanted to smoke and I know it wouldn't matter if I did right now, the reset will come at any time. But I promised her I wouldn't in a past time and since then I can’t bring myself to pick one up and go through with it. I glance up, I can feel my heart pick up against my will. Any minute now that dark haired woman would come around that tree, dressed in a dark grey skirt with knee high dark socks, brown combat boots and a thick black sweater.
Had it been on anyone else, it would have been ridiculous. But she rocked it. Her hair was semi-long, dark brown, nearly black. Her eyes were this light grey that seemed to glow when she was happy and get dark when she was angry. Her skin was a milky brown; she looked Latino despite not being one in origin. I was in the middle of looking down at my watch when I saw her. Well, I saw her skirt first, it was decent length but just long enough to be considered appropriate but short enough to show off the curve of her legs and hips. Her sweater was bulky and warm, but was just short enough on the stomach to show the slightest bit of skin when she walked or leaned.
Her walk was the same as it had been every time before. I didn't bother hiding my stare, she never noticed. I let my head rest against the pole for the bus stop sign and watched as she walked up to the cross walk and looked left and right. She had this way about her that made her seem so young. When she stopped moving she would put a hand near her chin but not touching. And one of her legs slightly bent as if she was sure of where she was going, but simply stopping for a sign, or a light. I took a quick blink, my eyes drying out. I didn't want to take my eyes from her for fear of the reset.
She looked both ways again and then looked right at me, and gave me that look that has caught my attention to begin with. Her eyes locked with mine and she tilted her head a little, making her hair sway and show her neck. I smiled at her, and memories flashed before my eyes: our very, very first date to the same bar I had just left. Our walks through that same park. The long nights we spent in bed talking and...Not talking. Her expression was puzzled and then she broke out into this bashful grin as her eyes broke from mine and looked at the light. When it changed she jogged over, I didn’t bother moving. I knew where she was going.
She crossed over to the street I was on and crept up closer to me, as if she was nervous, and she was. I could remember how shy she is when approaching people she didn’t know. She stood about a foot away from me, her hands cupped around her mouth, tucked in her sleeves for warmth. I debated with myself for a moment, talk to her? Or ride the bus without speaking to her? I tried that once upon a reset, and I regretted it heavily. I kept her in the corner of my eye and couldn’t resist.

“Knock, Knock.” I didn’t turn to look at her, but I smiled to the distance. She blinked and looked at me without turning her head, her grey eyes peeking out from around her bangs and her black sweater sleeves.

“W-who’s there?” I could see the confusion on her face, as if totally shocked that I was speaking to her.

“Dishes.” I smiled bigger and kept my gaze straight ahead.

“Dishes who?” She turned more toward me, hands still covering her mouth for warmth.

“Dish-is a bad joke.” I turned and winked my right eye at her and broke out into an ear to ear grin, she giggled softly and I turned to look as the bus pulled up. “What did the bus driver say to the frog?” I asked as the bus pulled up to the stop and opened the doors. She shook her head; I motioned for her to go ahead of me, “Hop on!” She laughed some more and took her hands down from her mouth as she walked past me and climbed on the bus. I felt my heart skip a beat at her laugh; I’d missed it so much.

We climbed the steps and looked for seats, I held onto false hope that there were two empty seats together. There never was. She sat down in an aisle seat with a scruffy guy in a beanie and I sighed, this wouldn’t be pretty. I sat in an open spot on the back of a bus next to a big guy and watched as the beanie man started harassing the girl. He was pulling on her skirt, touching her hair and shoulders; I could feel my blood start to boil and my ears turn red. I waited till the next stop, it wasn’t far; the guy wouldn’t do much other then poke at her and try to talk her into a sex favor. If I stood up while the bus was moving I’d be kicked off the bus immediately and worse would happen to her. Once the bus stopped I got up and put my hands in my jacket pockets and stopped by her seat.

“Hey.” I looked down at the guy, he was a thug. I’d seen him around before, and was almost the total opposite of me. He was close to six feet in height, much taller then I was at my even five feet. His skin was white as snow, almost with a sick yellow-y tint verses my dark brown. His eyes were a dark drown, sunken back in his head almost like a skeleton. Only one of my eyes are brown, my left one. My right eye is bright blue. His beanie was hiding his somewhat shaggy, greasy blonde hair. My hair was a dark brown. “Why are you giving her a hard time huh?” He scowled up at me; the girl leaned away from him, which wasn’t to hard considering the guy looked like he could be blown away like a leaf in the wind. I on the other hand had been often called fluffy. “Leave her alone.” Some people got off the bus as I spoke and a few looked at me.

“Get outta here, I’m trying to score.” He grumbled and started to reach his bare arm around her when I grabbed her hand and pulled her up beside me. Not only was the guy a creep but it looked like he hadn’t seen a shower in days. His white tank top was stained different colors, and his jeans were saggy. And people tell me wearing ball shorts in winter is tacky.

“The only thing you’re gunna score is a black eye bud.” I warned, if I hadn’t stopped him, he would have tried to rape her there on the bus. Once before, a few resets ago I had decided to ignore her, and see how things played out. After two stops she finally ran away, and I beat the ever loving hell out of the punk until they kicked me off the bus on the same stop, I couldn’t stop myself from crying for what I let happen; she had been robbed and shot later that afternoon, and then the reset happened. The guy I had been sitting with on the back seat got up and left, so I urged her to come back and sit with me. She followed easily, and sat closer to me, to avoid getting to close to the elderly woman on her other side, still shy of people she hadn’t spoken to before. I could feel her sitting tense beside me.

“Hey,” I nudged her with my elbow and made her look up at me, breaking her stare from the rubber mat on the floor. “How do handy-men get to school?” She cocked her head to the side and blinked. “A ‘tool-bus’.” She laughed more easily this time and my heart melted, it took everything I had not to lean over and kiss her little pink lips. She smiled now and looked up, her mind taken from the beanie guy a few seats up.

“Will this bus stop by the river?” She asked, looking around.

“There will be a big splash if it doesn’t.” She looked at me and smiled, giving me another laugh, keeping that beautiful smile.

“I’m Van.” I offered a hand to shake, keeping it turned somewhat down.

“Belle,” She smiled and grasped my hand, then pulled it back quickly as the buzzer went off. She looked shocked until I held up my hand and showed the buzzer. I winked again and chuckled, making her laugh. Her tenseness eased away and she seemed more relaxed.

“So you need off by the river?” I asked, putting my hands back on my pocket; as if disposing of the buzzer was my only reason, I knew if I didn’t I would attempt to hold her hand.

“Yeah, I have to find a new place to live.” She folded her hands neatly on her lap and looked me in the face for only a moment and then back to the rubber mat on the floor. Usually it took more time for her to open up to people, but she liked jokes, and was a sucker for a knight in shining armor.

“Oh? Kicked out or just need a new place?”

“Both.” Her smile faulted a bit.

“Oh…Why the river?” I leaned back against the seat, tilting my head back and closing my eyes. The heater behind my feet was warming me up and I was becoming sleepy.

“I heard there was an opening at the apartment building near the river. I need a cheap place as soon as possible. I don’t want to go back there for my stuff until I get a new place to put it.” She started playing with her hands, when she did that I used to grab them, it meant she was nervous and needed an anchor.

“What’s wrong that makes you wanna get out so quick?” I was struggling to stay awake now. I felt so tired. I would love nothing more then to just rest. She was silent for a while; I could feel her arm moving from where she was messing with her hands.

“I…I just need to get out. My boyfriend isn’t exactly….a gentle guy.” She was lying. I’d heard that so many times, I knew when she was lying. Her landlord had raped her twice already and was going to do it a third time if she didn’t find a new place. There was an apartment by the river, but he’d find her there.

“I see…well…the complex by the river is nice and all, but it’s widely known. Sure you don’t wanna go somewhere else?”

“I dunno if I can afford anywhere else.” She sighed and her hands stopped moving. That was the truth.

“Does it really matter where it is?” I asked, I could feel myself drifting off. I peeked an eye open to look out the window to my right, past Belle. Two more stops and I’d be at my apartment complex. I had some time before going to pick up my brother and was going to make breakfast. I closed my eye again and shifted against the seat like I was digging a hole with my back.

“Not really.” She admitted.

“Like kids?” I asked and had to resist smiling.

“I love kids. Why do you ask?” I could hear her voice light up.

“Well, in my apartment it’s just me and my brother but we have an extra bedroom if you don’t mind roommates.” I took a deep breath and tried to make it sound like I could care less, but I was hoping I wasn’t coming off as to forward. Interaction with her was almost like a game, and the reset button keeps getting hit after each game over. It was easy if you remembered the steps, but if you did something slightly different you got a different reaction, a different game over.

“Oh…I…I dunno.” She started to back out.

“Kyle’s only twelve, and I’ll level with you, I’m having a little trouble making rent, my landlord has been easy on me, but she won’t be forever.” She didn’t say anything so I opened my eyes and looked over at her. “I’m a few more stops down,” I took my hand from my pocket and pointed toward the front of the bus. “How about you come check the place out before I get Kyle and make your choice after some breakfast, I dunno about you, but I’m starving.” I smiled at her and hoped I had said that right. I was getting tired of having to redo this over and over again, hoping to get it totally right. I had done it so many times; it was becoming difficult to not give away to much information or to do something to cause her alarm. As far as I could tell, Belle had no memory of any of the resets before.

Her stomach growled loudly and we both smiled and started laughing. She relaxed a bit more and let her back touch the seat behind her, stretching her legs out in front of her, clicking her boots together softly like a bored child. Her shoulder brushed mine and we both tensed, but she let her shoulder touch mine as we rode the rest of the way silently, watching people climb on and off the bus. The beanie dude turned around and stared as he got up from his seat but Belle was fiddling with a piece of her sweater. He started to move toward us, but I stared him down. He was not going to screw this up for me. Not this time.

I put my arm on the back of the seat behind Belle and reached into my left pocket, putting my hands on my knife I packed everyday. He debated with himself for a moment and then scowled as he walked away. Once he was off the bus I sighed heavily and released my grip off my knife and relaxed. One more stop and we’d be home. She looked up and smiled at me half heartedly, a sad look in her eyes.

“I didn’t thank you for helping me out with that creep.” She nodded toward the doors. “I was scared to say anything to him, I was afraid he had a gun or something.” I shrugged as she kept going. “I’m not exactly assertive.” She added meekly. She seemed to pull into herself, as if just thinking about what could have happened scared her. I moved my arm from behind her and shrugged again.

“No problem. I hate guys like that, no respect you know?” The bus pulled to a stop and I stood up, offering my hand. She looked confused, and conflicted; she put her hand near her chin and looked at my hand. “So, thought about breakfast?”