Around Our Heads

When I finally got in to see my doctor, they told me I was already almost three months along. Sure this surprised me, but then again, when I found out I was pregnant with Avery, it had already progressed quite a bit. More than three months, actually. It just surprised me more because I was pretty sure I’d had my period within the last three months. They said that was still normal.

They set me up with my first ultrasound for the next week. Avery went to stay with Josh and Olivia while Chris took me to my appointment. He couldn’t be there for Avery’s first ultrasound and a lot of her appointments, so he was determined to go to as many of this baby’s as he could. We got settled in and waited for them to spread goo on my stomach and try to find where the baby was. And then a little shape showed up on the screen, and I squeaked.

“It’s so cute,” I said, even though it was blurry, in black and white, and there were no real discernible features. I just knew it was baby-shaped, and that was cute.

“Did you want to know the gender?” the technician asked. I looked at Chris. We hadn’t talked about it this time.

“That’s up to you,” he said.

“But it’s fun not knowing,” I told him.

“But knowing makes it easy.”

“How about we do it like last time? You know, and I don’t.” He smiled and nodded.

“You won’t hold off for very long.”

“I’ll try.”

“Alright, just me then,” he told the technician. She moved it around a few times, and I focused on the wand she had pressed against my abdomen instead of the screen.

“There you go,” she said. I saw him smile.

“Awesome.”

“Alright, Marley. You can look back. We’ll just get a few more cute shots, and you can go.” So I looked back at the screen at Avery’s new brother or sister. I couldn’t wait to meet them.

Chris and I were busy for the next few weeks. It was always either wedding plans or baby plans. We hardly ever got any sleep, and sometimes I would forget to eat until near fainting. Finally, Olivia started bringing me snacks throughout the day just in case I forgot. She was good at that kind of stuff.

But then I finally decided to get around to doing what I’d been planning to do. So I gathered a few things together, kissed Chris and Avery goodbye, and then got in my car and drove to my mother’s house. I wasn’t ready to introduce her to them. Not until I was sure she actually wanted to know them.

When I reached the familiar house, I parked against the curb and looked it over. It was a single story, and the houses were more spaced apart than they were in the city. The lawn was brown and overgrown and surrounded by a chain-link fence. The mailbox was slightly crooked from where my brother’s friends had hit it with a baseball bat during a drive-by. It looked exactly the same as the last time I’d seen it. Only now, there was just one toy on the lawn. A red bike that I assumed belonged to the nephew I’d never met. There was a brown Lincoln in the driveway. I hadn’t seen my mom recently, so I couldn’t say whether it was her car or not. Only that someone was home, and I was about to talk to that person.

So I got out of my car, collected my things, and let myself into the gate. My heart was beating nervously as I stepped up the familiar steps. When my dad put the cement in, he let us carve our names into it. Zig’s name was the largest. Then Luna and Brian’s. And on the very bottom, in tiny handwriting, the name Marley sat almost unnoticed and faded from all the times I’d tried to rub it out when my mom sent me out to sit on the porch when I bugged her.

Then I worked up the courage to ring the doorbell. There was a minute before a woman answered. She was short like me but rounder and plumper, and she had short stringy blonde hair and never really looked much like me except for the height thing.

“Can I help you?” she asked. It stung. I cleared my throat.

“Uh—Mom—It’s me. Marley,” I said. She blinked a few times, and then I saw that same sketchy nervousness hit her. She shifted uncomfortably.

“Marley, I didn’t know you were coming by.” Yeah, because I always did. Maybe if she’d given me her number, I could have called her first.

“I just stopped by because there are a few things I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Um—sure—Come in.” She opened the screen to let me into the house.

It was exactly the same as I remembered it. Brown carpet, brown paneled walls. There were still picture frames on nearly every surface, but most had changed. The embarrassing school pictures had been replaced by embarrassing school pictures of just one little boy. There were none of Avery or me. But I wasn’t surprised by that. I sat down on the blue corduroy couch, and she sat on her chair across from me. Her knees were pressed tightly together. Her spine was straight. She put her hands in her lap and folded her fingers together. Then she looked at them.

“Um—so—How have you been?” I asked.

“I’ve been okay. Just working,” she replied.

“Zig told me you went back to school.” She nodded.

“Mm-hmm. I’m a CNA now.”

“That’s awesome, Mom. Congratulations.”

“Mm-hmm. Thank you.”

“So uh—how’re Luna and the baby?”

“They’re good. He’s not a baby anymore, though. He’s in school now.” She pointed at the piano, where most pictures showed the same little boy. He looked nothing like my mom, but I could see Luna in his eyes.

“He’s cute,” I said.

“Mm-hmm,” she repeated.

“How’s Brian?” She shrugged.

“He quit school. He’s living with some friends in the city. He’s trying to start a band.” I nodded slowly. I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. The worst part is that I didn’t come from that tree.

“Well, uh—I came by because I have a few things for you. I thought you might like to have.” I dug around in my bag, and she stayed seated in her nervous position. The first picture I decided to give her was one of Avery on her birthday. She had her mischievous “Chris” smile on. She wore a princess crown with a pink feather boa around her neck. I handed the picture over to my mom. She looked at it with a detached expression.

“Who’s this?” she asked. It was like an arrow sliced through my heart.

“Her name is Avery. She just turned three a few weeks ago—She’s my daughter.” She nodded.

“I didn’t know you had a baby.”

“Yeah, I thought Zig would have told you.”

“Ziggy doesn’t talk to me anymore.”

“Well—I thought you might like to see her.”

“You named her after your father.” I nodded.

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“She looks like you,” she said.

“There’s a lot of her daddy in her too.” She handed the picture back over, and I shook my head.

“It’s for you.”

“Thank you.” She put it on the table between her chair and the one that used to belong to my dad. She propped it up against the lamp.

“I also wanted you to have this.” This time I handed her a copy of one of our ultrasound pictures. “We don’t know what it is yet, but I thought you might like to see it.” She nodded.

“Are you married now?”

“No, that’s kind of the reason I came by. We’re getting married in November. And um—I wanted to bring you an invitation.” I handed that over next. Olivia designed them for us; she was really artistic, so I thought they were great. She’d already designed them by the time we chose the date and location. My mom looked it over and nodded.

“Your fiancé’s name is Christopher,” she remarked. I nodded again.

“Yeah—Chris,” I confirmed awkwardly.

“Is he Avery’s father?” I nodded once more.

“Yeah, he’s the father of both of them.”

“How long have you been together?”

“About—seven years now, I think. Give or take a few months.”

“Wow, that’s a long time.”

“Yeah, it’s been a while.” There was another awkward silence. “Well, um—I have more pictures and things of Avery if you want them. I didn’t know you didn’t know about her, or I would have brought more baby pictures and stuff. But I thought you might like to have them anyway.” She nodded.

“I’d like that.” I was hoping she would say that. So I pulled the rest of the pictures out of my bag and handed them over. I watched as she flipped through them. Most of them were of Avery, and they were recent. But there were a few baby pictures thrown in. And some of her with Chris. I didn’t put any of the ones with me because I didn’t think she’d want them. “Your fiancé seems nice.”

“Yeah, he’s amazing.”

“Thank you for bringing these by.”

“It’s not a problem. I just um—I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I realized my guest list will be very small. A few weeks ago, we had Avery’s birthday party, and I found out I’m pregnant again. And so many things are happening all at once. So I guess I just wanted you to be part of their lives. Even if from a distance. And I guess—you know—I miss you. So here’s my phone number. If you ever want to talk to Avery or something.” I put my card on the coffee table. She picked it up.

“You work for a comic book company?” she asked.

“Yeah, Chris’s friend’s wife gave me the job. It’s really great.” She smiled faintly.

“Seems like the perfect place for you.” I laughed.

“It’s definitely a good place for a nerd like me. I was working at a comic book shop before then too.”

“Thank you, Marley. For bringing these to me. It’s really good seeing you again. I wonder about you sometimes. And I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. You’ve just grown up—so much.” I nodded and stood up. I figured this was her way of sending me out.

“Well, I’m glad you’re doing well too. We should get together sometime—if you want. You could come to the city for dinner and to meet Avery and Chris. I think you’d really like them. But I’ve got to go. So—send Luna and Brian my love.” She nodded.

“I will.”

“Bye, Mom.”

“Bye.” I didn’t hug her or kiss her or anything. I just let myself out. But I don’t think she cared. I said all I wanted to say, and I hoped it got through to her.