Around Our Heads

The fact that my mom hadn't filed charges kind of troubled me. I guess I just kind of figured since she had been open about it, she must have gone to the police too. But the woman in the department told me that most assault cases go unfiled, and back in those days, it was more common than it is even now. But it didn't deter me. It just made things a bit harder since it meant I had to ask my mom about it. And since the guy knew my name, I assumed that meant she must have known his name. I knew she wouldn't even want to see me just on a regular friendly visit, let alone me asking about something she was still trying to forget.

I was much more nervous when I drove back to her house than before. I was sure she would yell and scream at me and kick me out. I probably wouldn't get any answers. But then I thought I deserved some answers, right? Most kids are curious about where they come from. So even though my background might be dark, I still deserved to know, didn't I?

So I took a deep breath and told myself it was for a worthy cause. I didn't want to hurt my mom, but I deserved to know, and I should know if there were any genetic disorders I should worry about for Avery and me. So I gave myself a mental pep talk. Then I grasped all the nerve I could possibly get and climbed out of the car. This time when I rang the bell, my mom recognized me right away.

"Marley," she said with surprise again. "I didn't know you were coming by."

"I just have something I'd like to talk to you about, if that's okay?" I asked.

"Sure. Come in." She opened the door and let me into the house. She was wearing scrubs but had slippers on her feet, so I assumed she was off work. We went right back to our previous seats and uncomfortable glances. "How's the baby coming along?"

"Oh, great. Really active already."

"How's your daughter?" she asked.

"Excellent," I told her. "She's already excited about being a big sister. We're thinking about buying a house so they can have their own rooms. Plus, we want a yard because we want dogs." She smiled politely.

"That's nice."

"Well, um—I guess I'm going to try and get right to the point. When I saw you last time, I told you I was thinking about my family a lot." She nodded. "And well—these thoughts have kind of included my—other family." She pinched her mouth shut, and I saw her face go pale. "But um—I've been trying to avoid talking to you about it. I've just been trying to do research on newspapers and police records. But I haven't been able to find anything, so that's why I'm here."

"I never filed charges."

"That's what I guessed. But um—I really hate doing this to you. It's just—It's been twenty-eight years now, and I'd really just—like to know a few things. Where I come from. What happened. If there are any genetic disorders or defects I should worry about. For my kids and me." She laced her fingers together nervously.

"You came from here, Marley."

"You know what I mean."

"I think we should talk about this another time."

"Mom—don't do this to me, please? I've kept my mouth shut all these years. I've stayed away from you because I didn't want to hurt you. I'll go back to leaving you alone if you just give me something. Just a name or anything that can lead me in the right direction. You said you didn't press charges, but you had to have known him, right? He came to see me several years ago…." Her head shot up like she'd been startled by a loud noise.

"He came to see you?" she asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, it was a long time ago. I didn't really give him a chance to talk, though. I just sort of screamed at him, and Chris made him leave. But if he knows I exist, then it means he obviously had some sort of contact with you, right? He knows I'm his. He knew my name." She shook her head.

"Oh no. No, no, no."

"Mom, just—please—a name. I'll be happy with just that. Then, you can go back to pretending I don't exist. I won't contact you ever again. I just want a name." She had her eyes pinched shut and was still shaking her head.

"I knew this would happen someday. I knew you'd start asking questions."

"Well, I think I deserve to know something. I kept my mouth shut all my life. I stayed out of your way, so I didn't hurt you." I was starting to get emotional, but I couldn't stop myself. "You've spent the last twenty-eight years resenting me. And the last eight of them pretending I don't even exist. For fuck's sake, you didn't even know I had a daughter. The least you can do is just tell me his name." I was crying by this point. Little tears were rolling down my cheeks. I hated talking about it and talking about it with her even more. And when she dropped her face into her hands and sobbed, I felt like the most horrible person in the world. "Mom—I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I know this is hard for you."

"No, you don't, Marley. You don't understand," she said.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I was just—I wanted to know. I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry for—ruining your life. I'll just go." I stood up and went to leave.

"Jacob," she said from behind me. "His name is Jacob Gazarra." I turned around to face her.

"You knew him." She still had her head in her hands, but she nodded. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Because I didn't want anyone to know."

"But—everyone does. Dad knew. His whole family. Zig, Luna, and Brian too. Everyone hated me for it." She shook her head again.

"Just go, Marley. You got what you wanted. Just leave." I nodded slowly, and my heart ached to comfort the woman who never loved me. But I figured that would do more harm than good. I looked at the floor and sniffed back tears.

"I um—once again, I'm sorry for bothering you. You can go back to—pretending I don't exist. I just um—I thought you might want to know your grandchildren. But Chris's mom is really great. So I guess one grandma is enough."

"Don't try to guilt trip me, Marley."

"I'm not giving you a guilt trip. I understand what you went through was hard, but if it was so hard for you to love me, then you should have just fucking aborted me when you had the chance. Or gave me away. At least then, I wouldn't have had to spend my life with a mom who couldn't even look at me." I choked on my words. "I just—even if I had gone through what you did—I never would have treated my children the way you've treated me. But…." I took a few steps toward the door. "Maybe I'm just a better mother."

Then I turned and left. I hated saying those words to her, but they spilled out of me anyway. She could have gotten rid of me if she hated me so much. But instead, she carried me in her womb for nine months and then spent the next twenty years of my life treating me like I was the person who'd hurt her.

And when her husband died, she broke off all ties with me. I didn't ask for that. All I ever wanted was a mom who loved me. I mean, she didn't even have a reason to hate Zig, and they still lost contact. Luna only stuck around because she mooched money and free babysitting. I don't even know what Brian was doing with his life aside from quitting school to start a band.

So I furiously wiped my tears and got back in my car, hoping I'd never have a reason to return.