Around Our Heads

Chris didn't think it was a good idea for me to talk to my mother right away. He said I should give it a few days to mull it over before questioning her. But I didn't want a few days to think about it. I wanted answers immediately. And if I thought on it too much, I'd get angrier. So he decided to come with me just in case I flipped out.

When we got to the house, I led him up the walkway, and he looked around curiously. He'd never seen the place I grew up in. When we reached the steps, I bent down and pointed at where I'd carved my name into the cement. He smiled and ran his fingers over it.

"How old were you?" he asked.

"I think I was like nine."

"That's awesome." I rang the doorbell, and he looked around as if he'd find more places where I might have left my mark. But aside from the front steps, the house had been wiped clean of me. And instead of feeling sad and ashamed about this, I was pissed off. My mom opened the front door, but the screen was still closed.

"I need to talk to you," I said before she could speak. She nodded.

"I figured you'd be back," she replied. She pushed the screen open to let us in. I didn't sit down this time.

"This is Chris." She nodded.

"Nice to meet you."

"You too," he replied, but she didn't offer her hand. I pulled the wooden box out of my purse.

"Come here," I instructed.

She followed us into the living room. Chris and I sat down on the blue couch, and she took her armchair. I opened the box and began taking the pictures out. I covered the entire coffee table with them. Her mouth pinched tighter and tighter as she looked over every image. Finally, I ended it with the one where she was kissing his cheek. Then I looked up at her.

"I think you owe me one hell of an explanation," I told her.

"I couldn't tell you," she replied.

"You lied to me." She nodded, and her face crumpled. "For twenty-eight fucking years, you lied to me and your whole family. You didn't resent me because my father hurt you. You resented me because I was proof of your infidelity. You lied to your husband. You lied to your children and your parents. Every single one of them singled ME out and treated ME like I was at fault for what happened to you. After everything you've done to me, I deserve some fucking answers." She sniffed a few times and pulled her handkerchief out of her pocket.

"It just got out of hand," she said with a sob. "I didn't know how to explain myself. I couldn't tell your father what I'd done. We were trying to work things out again. I thought we would break up, but we decided to work things out. I made a mistake, and I had to live with you constantly reminding me of that mistake.

"I only planned to lie to your father. I didn't think it would go as far as it did. I lied to him after I found out about you, and he wanted to find the guy and kill him, but I knew if he found Jacob, he'd learn the truth. It was just supposed to be our secret, but everyone wanted to know why you looked different from the rest of them. So they started accusing me of cheating on him. Your father told them what I'd said to protect me. Then everyone kept telling me to put you up for adoption, or I should have found a way to press charges. It blew up in my face, and I just kept piling on the lies in the hope that they'd just let it go.

"You asked me once why I didn't just abort you when I had the chance. I couldn't do that because I didn't know if you were Avery's or Jacob's. I didn't want to give you up for adoption because I loved you, and I didn't think it was fair to make you suffer for my mistake. And then you did anyway. Everyone shunned you and pushed you away. They singled you out and treated you like an outcast. Avery always tried to help you. He favored you in the hopes that you'd have a normal childhood. And I couldn't bear to tell him how you really came to be because he loved you so much. I just wanted it to go away, so I never had to tell the truth. I wanted everyone to forget."

"You should have told them," I said. She shook her head.

"I know. It's haunted me every day of my life since it happened. I just couldn't get it out, Marley. We never talked about it. It never came up, and the more time passed, the easier the lie became to believe."

"How could you do that to me? To all of us? You lied to your husband. You cheated on him, and you betrayed him. And instead of fessing up to what you did, you pushed it all on me and made me pay the price. Then your husband spent all that time favoring me just to make up for what you put on me.

"Zig, Brian, and Luna were scared of me. My own grandparents hate me. I was the one who had to suffer for that mistake. I was the one who got punished for what you did. What the hell is wrong with you? How could you live with yourself? I know I was an accident, and I was proof, but you let me take the fall for everything. I was a little girl who sat alone on the bus every day while my brothers and sister resented me for a lie YOU told them. My grandparents wouldn't even buy me Christmas presents because of you.

"And when I grew up, I was afraid of falling in love because of you. I pushed Chris away from me because I didn't think I deserved to be loved. And then, when I got pregnant, I thought about giving my daughter away. I was afraid of her because of what YOU did to me. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve my children. You don't even deserve dog shit."

"Marley," Chris said as he patted my back. I was crying again, but I angrily wiped my tears away. Then I began to gather the pictures together.

"I don't want you to come to our wedding," I told her as I hastily shoved them back into the box. "You won't have to see me again. You won't ever see Avery or this baby. You won't have contact with us again, but it's not like that matters to you anyway. It's what you always wanted." She sobbed, and I stood to shove the box back into my bag. Then I took a deep breath and turned to face her again.

"I'm telling them," I told her as my voice shook. "All of them. I'm telling them the truth, and then he will walk me down the aisle. You took my father from me, you took my childhood, and you almost took my daughter and my fiancé away from me. I won't let you hurt me or my family ever again." I started to walk toward the door, and Chris hurried to catch up with me.

"Marley, don't tell them. Please, don't tell them?" she begged. I opened the door and turned around to face her one last time.

"I'm not taking the blame for you anymore, Mother."