Around Our Heads

Later that day, when I was finished with work, I decided to go see my brother. I was worried that he might be angry about what I would tell him. I feared he might get mad at me for blaming our mother and disbelieving her claim. Maybe he just wouldn’t want to know the truth at all, but I wanted Gazarra at my wedding even if he didn’t walk me down the aisle. And I definitely wanted Zig there. I wanted to at least explain it to him, so he didn’t show up thinking I’d invited the man who hurt his mother.

Zig lived in a relatively nice house closer to the bay. His house looked small from the outside, but it was actually three bedrooms. I was kind of jealous that he got to live in such a cool neighborhood. But I guess my apartment was just fine. It just sucked because we were going to need more room in a few months, but once we got this family stuff taken care of, we could get more serious about our home search.

Since I had already told my brother I was coming, he was there to answer the door. He had the toddler in his arms.

“Hey, come on in,” he said, leading me into the house.

“How’s it going?” I asked.

“Pretty good. Just got off of work. Taking care of buttmunch here now.” She smiled at me.

“Hi, Jazzy Jazz.” He handed her off to me, so I took her into my arms. Her name was Jasmine, but I’d been calling her Jazzy Jazz since she was born.

“So you said you had something you wanted to talk to me about?” he asked.

“Yeah, I do. I’m just hoping it’s the right time,” I replied.

“Is it bad?”

“Um—I guess it just depends on how you look at it.”

“Well, come in and have a seat. Are you hungry?”

“I’m starving, actually, but Chris is making dinner tonight, so I was just planning on going home after.”

“Alright.” I sat down on his couch and put Jasmine on my lap. “So what’s up?” he asked as he sat down beside me.

“I um….” Jazz was squirming a lot, so I put her down on the floor so she could scoot around. “It might be kind of a touchy subject, but I—learned something recently, and I wanted to explain it to you. A part of me thinks it’s not really my place to tell you this, especially since you might be really upset. But I also don’t think it’s fair that Avery and I have to live a lie for everyone else.” His eyebrows furrowed.

“What are you talking about, Marley?” I pulled out the picture of our mother kissing Gazarra’s cheek and handed it to him. “What’s this?” he asked as he looked it over.

“That’s our mother,” I explained.

“Well yeah, I know that.”

“And my biological father.” He looked up at me, and his eyebrows stayed creased.

“Your biological father?” I nodded.

“I’ve been talking to Mom. A few times. And I started asking questions that I probably should have asked sooner. But either way, uh—his name is Jacob Gazarra. He’s a lawyer. When you were just a baby, Mom started working for him as his receptionist. She and dad started having some problems, and she thought the relationship was over. So she had an affair.” He looked at the picture again.

“It went on for a few months before she got pregnant, and she and dad decided to work things out. She didn’t know whose baby I was just yet. She knew there was a possibility I was his, but she didn’t want to abort me just in case I was Dad’s. So she quit her job and broke it off with him. She told Dad she’d been raped because she couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth. She hoped it would just go away, and it didn’t, obviously because I came out looking different from you. People started to question things. And the lie got out of control. She said it was never meant to get past Dad.”

“Did Mom tell you this?” I nodded.

“Yeah, I met him, and he told me what he knew. He gave me the pictures. I went to her to confirm it, and she admitted everything. She said it just got out of hand, and she couldn’t stop it. So she let me take the blame for her mistake. She didn’t resent me for being the spitting image of a rapist. She resented me because I was proof of an affair that could have ended her marriage. I decided to tell you this because—well—when we were kids, you always kind of hated me too. And since I found out he’s not a monster, I want to invite him to my wedding, and I wanted to make sure you knew the truth before I put you in the same room as him.”

He didn’t say anything to me for a whole minute, and I started to worry that he would kick me out of his house and tell me to never speak to him again.

“Why would she lie about something like this?” he finally asked. I shrugged.

“She said no one was supposed to know except for Dad, but when I was born, it became more and more obvious that you and I had different fathers. I don’t even look like her. So people started to ask questions, and Dad told them her lie. Then it just grew out of control. Everyone told her to give me away. She didn’t want to do that because she didn’t think it would be fair to me. But she just kept lying and lying to cover her tracks, and it just got out of hand.”

“And she let you take the fall—for all of it?” he said in disbelief. I nodded.

“Yeah… I was her scapegoat,” I told him.

“That’s horribly unfair, Marley.”

“I know. That’s why I got so angry with her. I said a lot of really mean things. But—I don’t regret it. I grew up hating myself. Got myself hurt because I didn’t think I deserved love. Deserved Chris. Almost gave up on my daughter before she was even born because I thought she’d be a monster. I didn’t think I’d know how to love her because I didn’t know what it felt like to have a mother’s love. I can’t regret it because—nothing will give me back all that time. Or take away all that pain.”

“I haven’t really even talked to her in years. Not full conversations anyway.”

“I know you haven’t. She told me. Brian still talks to her on occasion. Luna seems to talk to her the most.”

“I should probably pay her a visit.”

“I’d like to talk to Brian and Luna about it too, but I’m pretty sure they won’t hear me out. They won’t even talk to me now. I started with you because you’re the only one who’ll listen to me.” He nodded.

“I’ll talk to mom and—I can talk to them too.”

“I’d really like it if they came to my wedding. And I really want to meet our nephew. Maybe I’m just hoping this will clear the air between us. I don’t want them to hate me anymore.”

“They don’t hate you, Marley. I’m sure they’ll understand. Maybe they’ll be angry, and I can’t guarantee they’ll be at your wedding, but I can try.”

“I have some invitations for them too. Here.” I handed the envelopes over to him. “I was planning on giving them to them when we spoke. You can take the picture if you want to. I don’t need it.”

“Thank you for telling me, Marley.”

“Thank you for listening. And not—hating me anymore.” He smiled halfheartedly. He had my dad’s smile. Avery Johnson’s smile.

“I never hated you. I was just uncomfortable because of everything I thought happened. But I got over it. I know it was never your fault. Regardless of what really happened.”

“You’ve been a great brother.”

“I’ll try to get Brian and Luna to do the same.” I nodded and stood up.

“Thanks, Zig. I’m going to head home now. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Alright. I’ll call you.”

“Bye, Jazzy.” She gave me a pudgy-handed wave.