To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern,

First and foremost, I would like to clarify that this is 100% not my idea. Yes, I used to do this when I was a little girl and I would write my little heart out. Then after two weeks I would get bored and stop until someone bought me a new Diary as a present that all young girls receive from a relative that barely knows anything about you.

This day in age everything is done by computer, so bye-bye handwritten shit, hello keyboard. Anyway, this whole thing is my mother’s idea. Yeah. She feels that I need to “let go of any unnecessary energy, and learn about myself, and learn from my potential mistakes, and think situations through.” So here we are. Listen, I know this sounds kind of weird, but that’s what my parents are… weird… Strange. Peculiar. Odd. Eccentric. Pick any of those and BAM you have my parents. Let’s get to why I believe this is true.

My name, shall we? Tallulah Wren Grayson. No middle name, my friends. My first name is Tallulah Wren. Case in point. I’m stuck with this odd name for the rest of my life. My mom, who has a normal name of Rachel, was obsessed with the movie Bugsy Malone as a child. And when she saw a young Jodie Foster lip sync to a song about how her name is Tallulah, a young Rachel vowed to name her daughter after that character. And now we get to Wren. Well, this would be my dad’s doing. While my first name was not up for discussion, as my mother claimed the right to it when she was a child, my dad had free reign over my middle name. He decided to name me after his high school baseball coach (Coach Wren) who was very important to him. Fine. I’m perfectly fine with that. It was supposed to be my middle name. My first name was supposed to be Tallulah. Fine. What turned this into not fine was when he was asked (and there is audio proof of this because he was filming my mother giving birth) what my first name was going to be on my birth certificate, he said, “Tallulah Wren.” To which the nurse replied, “Would that be her whole first name, no middle name?” To which my father, Roger, in his excitement of having his first child and not giving a shit about anyone around him except for his wife and newborn replied back, “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

My twelve year-old brother’s name is Brock Chandler Grayson. For me, personally, I wish his middle name had been Ollie. I’m so disappointed in my parents for not taking that opportunity. Can you imagine having that as your full name? How could you write that on important documentation? Or explain that to future girlfriends? “Yes, my name is Brock Ollie.” So for my personal amusement, I gave him the nickname Broccoli. Anyway, back to his real name and my weird parents. It doesn’t really matter about Brock. What matters here is the Chandler part. One day I decided to ask where they got Chandler from, and my parents were so kind as to let me know. “He was conceived while we were watching an episode of Friends,” my mother told me.

My parents, ladies and gentlemen. Round of applause.

I always think back to that moment where I decided to ask about Chandler, and I always wish I could go back in time and rethink that question very carefully and decide against it.

Anyway… Mom also wants me to write about myself so I can remember what I am like at the age of sixteen. I am never one to defy my parents. I’m what you call a “goody-two-shoes.” So let’s start on myself, ok? At this point in time, even though there is photo evidence of myself, let’s give a description of sixteen year-old Tallulah Wren.

Hair: Dirty blonde (more blonde than dirty).
Eyes: Dark brown (they might as well be black).
Face: Dark, thick eyebrows. Full lips. Small nose with a slight bump (wish that didn’t exist). Some teenage acne (that too). Chubby cheeks (gotta love that chipmunk look).
Body: Ok… I will fully admit that I am slim (though I do have some stomach that sticks out a bit, whatever). Long legs, short torso. No boobs, all butt.

So there we have it. Physical me in a nutshell. Personality wise? Well, I’m not going to dwell on that now because as I continue to write, you will start to understand who I am. I apparently don’t even know who I am. That’s the whole point of this remember?

Let’s get this learning experience on the road, shall we?

Sincerely,
Tallulah Wren