All I Ask
Stuck
A soft sigh left his lips as I ran my fingers through his hair. He was beautiful; symmetrical features, caramel eyes, thick lashes that kissed the tops of his cheekbones every time he blinked. He was beautiful, but he wasn't mine. He never would be, and I had to be okay with that. I knew what I was getting myself into when I said yes that first night, but I never thought I'd end up where I was; in love with someone that would never reciprocate my feelings. So I slid out from underneath his arm, my heart cracking with every move that I made.
We had rules. We didn't spend the night. We didn't talk if we didn't have to. They were shitty, but according to him, they were necessary. Yet they didn't stop the one thing he was trying to prevent. I still remembered the conversation that started it all.
"Take your pants off," I muttered, giving up after struggling with his belt for two minutes.
"If you're looking for a boyfriend, you should probably look elsewhere." His shirt was already off, and I was in the process of unhooking my bra. The talk should have started before the clothes came off.
"A boyfriend is the last thing on my mind."
It was short, and at the time I wasn't lying. I'd just gotten out of a horrible relationship, and if it weren't for the fact that I had needs, I would have sworn off of men all together. But what was supposed to be one night turned into two, and then two turned into three. Soon it was everyday, which was when he implemented the rules, but I was already too far gone. I should have stopped it. I should have told him that I couldn't sleep with him anymore, but I was selfish, and I would take him any way that I could get him.
I pulled on my joggers and shoes, sliding my jumper over my head. I leaned down, pressing a light kiss to his temple before I grabbed my keys and left. Driving home I cursed myself. I was making it worse. Every time I went to his flat, every time I let him into mine, I was making it worse. I couldn't argue that life wasn't fair because I had made the decision. I chose to keep sleeping with him.
"You're crying again." It happened so often that I barely noticed. I pulled my sleeve over my hand and wiped at my cheeks.
"Not now, Liam." I tossed my keys into the bowl and collapsed on the couch, curling myself into a ball. I felt the cushion sink in next to my head, and I closed my eyes.
"You have to stop, Davina. This isn't healthy."
"I know." But I wouldn't stop. I couldn't. I was stuck.
We had rules. We didn't spend the night. We didn't talk if we didn't have to. They were shitty, but according to him, they were necessary. Yet they didn't stop the one thing he was trying to prevent. I still remembered the conversation that started it all.
"Take your pants off," I muttered, giving up after struggling with his belt for two minutes.
"If you're looking for a boyfriend, you should probably look elsewhere." His shirt was already off, and I was in the process of unhooking my bra. The talk should have started before the clothes came off.
"A boyfriend is the last thing on my mind."
It was short, and at the time I wasn't lying. I'd just gotten out of a horrible relationship, and if it weren't for the fact that I had needs, I would have sworn off of men all together. But what was supposed to be one night turned into two, and then two turned into three. Soon it was everyday, which was when he implemented the rules, but I was already too far gone. I should have stopped it. I should have told him that I couldn't sleep with him anymore, but I was selfish, and I would take him any way that I could get him.
I pulled on my joggers and shoes, sliding my jumper over my head. I leaned down, pressing a light kiss to his temple before I grabbed my keys and left. Driving home I cursed myself. I was making it worse. Every time I went to his flat, every time I let him into mine, I was making it worse. I couldn't argue that life wasn't fair because I had made the decision. I chose to keep sleeping with him.
"You're crying again." It happened so often that I barely noticed. I pulled my sleeve over my hand and wiped at my cheeks.
"Not now, Liam." I tossed my keys into the bowl and collapsed on the couch, curling myself into a ball. I felt the cushion sink in next to my head, and I closed my eyes.
"You have to stop, Davina. This isn't healthy."
"I know." But I wouldn't stop. I couldn't. I was stuck.