Re-Entry

Yup. Started writing and accidentally hit the refresh button right just when I was getting into it. Sounds about right, haha. First sentence was "Well, things never turn out as planned, do they?".

Fitting.

It's okay, I was rambling anyway. I've been using that word a lot to describe what this is. Rambling. But that's what it feels like, I wouldn't mind even making this whole thing one long, run-on sentence with amateur grammar sparkling through all of it. Which is why it will probably end up as such.

I miss you.

I'm waiting for Netflix to load (of course). It's for a purpose, though, I swear. And not just a guilty pleasure one! Well... See there was a quote in one of the episodes of <i>Scandal</i> between Olivia and her father that was perfect (I binge watched it after we broke up). It was a phrase that just....fit. I want to find it, so obviously I am going to have to re-watch the series. I remember thinking it would make the perfect opening quote or title for something like this: writing to you. A little late now, but I'm determined.

You know how stubborn I am.

I'm on holiday. Well, kind of. Came to visit mom for her birthday. It's been nice getting away, but I'm starting to re-imagine my life again- starting over somewhere new. Not even really starting over, I just realized I don't know why that's the phrase everyone always uses. It's more of a fresh continuation. Stirring the water, I guess, so it doesn't sit stagnant and collecting algae. I just want to move.

This isn't how I imagined this would go. It's not actually supposed to be some like girl's diary entry. I used to write beautiful pieces when I went through tough times before. Maybe because it's you.

No, it's probably me, haha. Nervous laughter.

I just miss you. I really, really miss you. And it feels good to talk to you, even if you're not listening. I can't even believe that it has been five months. Shouldn't I be over this by now? It doesn't...feel like that long. Two weeks ago we were... well I guess we weren't.

I don't think about you everyday. Except, I do. It shouldn't make sense, but that's how it is. I don't think about you all the time but you are constantly in my head. Still.

I think it's more since I've been here though. You'd like it here, I think. There are mountains and so many trees, forests, like you like. It's a small enough tourist city, like your town, but it's big enough and close enough to other things that I could see us happy here. Could have.

The people are nice, too. Not like where I'm from, nice like where you're from. We drive down the highway and through the streets riddled with local shops and I wonder if you'd like it. We watch a stupid movie and think about how sarcastic your response to it would be. I was looking up at the stars (my god, there are so many stars here) and I can feel you holding me.

I hear your voice. I feel your hand on my back when I stand and smile, pretending I'm listening and I feel your fingers casually on my thigh when I sit.

I feel like such a sap, I'm really not. I go out. I have fun. I can flirt and smile and dance and not once will you enter my mind.

But then I come home, and I get in bed, and you're not here. And I can't talk to you, or tell you how my day went, or ask you what you think I should do with my life or if I'm making the right choice.

I wish we could still talk. Every time we do, for that brief moment everything feels okay again. I want to keep talking, but I don't want to make this harder for either of us; even though each time you sound like you are doing amazing I know you loved me like I loved you (maybe even more) and I don't want to drag this out. I don't want us to have an unhealthy relationship.

I just miss you.

I could go on forever, debating in my head whether I miss you or just having somebody to share things with. A best friend... I'm pretty sure it's you but eh I don't know. You're the only big thing...big love?... You are the only love I have ever had so I don't have a comparison. I'm sure each love is different anyway... I think.

I wonder if someday I will consider letting you go the biggest regret of my life. Right now it feels like that could possibly be the case. It still feels like you are the only one for me, but I know I'm young and there is still an ocean full of fish to try but I wonder.. Why try all the other fish that could be poisonous or nasty or even good, but not quite as good when I know that whenever I eat your pasty white tuna ass I always feel amazing.?

I don't know. I do like trying new things. Do you think about me this much? Are you having this much trouble, too? Do you miss me?

Hah, aren't those the questions every one wants to know the answers to.

There's so much more to say, and I didn't say anything yet I was planning. Isn't that how it works, haha.

Well I'll talk to you soon.

I love you.