Start Me Up

When Tessa woke up to an empty bed she wasn't surprised. She let out a sigh as she dropped back onto the mattress and upon running her hand over the wrinkled sheets next to her and feeling just how cold the spot beside her was she wondered exactly when Shea had snuck out. Was it late last night? Early that morning? It had to have been a while ago, and a quick glance at her watch sitting on the nightstand told her it was eight in the morning.

Amelia would be home soon. In an hour or two.

Amelia.

It was like it all hit her at once; the reality of what she and Shea had done last night, and the effect that would have on not just each other but on Amelia.

Tessa thought she might be sick.

She sat up, and grabbed her shirt from where it had been tossed onto the floor the night before, pulling it over herself as she looked around for a pair of pants. Her jeans were in a pile on the floor by the bed, and on top of them was not one but two foil wrappers that had been ripped open and tossed aside last night. The sight made her nauseous.

So she yanked a pair of pyjama pants up and over her hips before she shoved her jeans and the wrappers underneath the bed so that she didn't have to see them right now. She headed down the hall to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her before she paced the tiled floor. She ran her fingers through her hair, tugging on the ends as she paced.

What had she done?

She wondered where Shea had disappeared to. He had probably just gone to the arena to blow off steam and to get the hell away from her and what they had done. He probably didn't want to even chance seeing Amelia right now, and Tessa figured he thought it was better for her to wake up alone.

Not that she could blame him.

Part of her wanted to get out of the house too, but where was she supposed to go? She had no friends here, she didn't even have a single friend that she trusted with what had gone down not even ten hours before. She had slept with Shea, she had sex with her sister's fiance.

The thought made her stomach flip, and she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet quickly before she leaned back against the wall behind her and pulled her knees up to her chest. She used the inside of the neckline of her shirt to wipe at her face as her eyes welled with tears which eventually spilled over, but it did little to help with her wet cheeks.

How did she get out of this one?

The most logical answer was the pretend it had never happened. But she couldn't. It had happened, more than once. She and Shea had slept together, they couldn't change that and Tessa wasn't sure she wanted to pretend it never happened. There was something so different about that kind of level of intimacy between them, something she had never felt, with anyone, before. It was a kind of feeling she didn't even know existed and for a moment she compared it to what she was used to, and it didn't take a genius to figure out what she had been missing all these years.

Jacob had never been all that caring, he never spent the time to make sure that Tessa was enjoying their love life or not. It was more about him, and getting in and getting out than it was about love, or even just taking care of the other person.

Shea had been so gentle, though only with the way he touched her, he took care of her before he even let her do anything for him. He had made her feel calm and taken care of and he made her feel safe, and that was unusual to her. It was something new, something she found she enjoyed.

But Shea was practically her brother-in-law. He wasn't hers. He was Amelia's, and that wasn't going to change so why in the hell had Tessa let what happened last night happen in the first place? How did she explain this one to herself?

How did she and Shea move forward from this? There was no normal now, not after this so how did they move on with their lives? She didn't want to lose the relationship they had before this mess began but it wasn't looking too great anymore. It was like the more time they spent alone the further they got from where they were.

If it had been anyone else, anyone else but Shea, Tessa knew she might actually let herself go down that road and see where things went. But she couldn't. She had no idea how Shea felt now, maybe he thought completely different about her. Maybe this was a one and done kind of thing and that the way she felt wasn't how he felt.

She didn't want to but what had happened last night hadn't happened. It was to be put away, in the back of her mind, somewhere she would never think of it again and they would go back to as normal as they possibly could because that was what was right.

She couldn't do this to Amelia.

- - -

Tessa had gotten herself together and was making coffee in the kitchen when the front door opened. When she saw Amelia she wasn't sure whether to be relieved that it wasn't Shea, or mentally exhausted that it was Amelia. She was struck with guilt almost immediately when she saw her sisters smiling face, and Tessa wanted to cry right then and there when Amelia asked her, "Is Shea home?"

Tessa cleared her throat and turned back to the coffee pot to lie to her, "No, he wanted to get to the arena a little early. I guess he had some media stuff to do before their road trip."

She didn't want to see the look of disappointment on her sisters face when she found out that Shea had left early and they wouldn't be able to see each other until he got back from their two-game road trip. She didn't want to see it, but she heard it when Amelia said, "Oh... okay."

Tessa poured herself a cup of coffee and she kept her back to Amelia as she sat down at the kitchen table. She was afraid to turn around, she was too afraid to look at her sister because she thought maybe if she did everything would come tumbling out of her mouth. So she kept her back to her as she stared at her steaming cup of coffee.

That was until the door opened again, and Tessa turned, and she was surprised to find their mother walking into the house. Tessa's brow raised as she looked over at Amelia, who sensed her confusion and let out a chuckle. Amelia asked her, "You forgot that mom was coming today, didn't you?"

"No." Tessa lied, succeeding only in making Amelia laugh again.

Her mother reminded her, "We're going dress shopping soon. In case you forgot about that too."

She had. Tessa had completely forgotten that Amelia had an appointment at a bridal salon that day and that Tessa was expected to go with her. There was no way to get out of it, no matter how badly she wanted to, so she would just have to suck it up and deal with it. Even if it did kill her.

So Tessa dragged herself slowly behind Amelia out of the car and into the bridal salon. This was the last place she wanted to be, she could think of a million and one places she would rather be right now than sitting on a plush couch in a crowded bridal salon listening to everyone around her gush over wedding dresses and Amelia and Shea.

Tessa felt like absolute shit and it wasn't just because of Shea, it was the lying to her sister, the fact that she felt bad for what she did but she didn't wish it hadn't happened. The last thing she wanted to do was be surrounded by all of Amelia's friends and their mother and have to pretend to be happy for her sister.

Sure, in some ways she was happy for Amelia, how could she not be? But more than that she was angry and that surprised her. She supposed she hadn't realized just what kind of feelings she had for Shea until now, until she had gone to the point of no return with him and now those feelings were staring her right in the face and it killed her to know that she couldn't do anything about them, no matter how badly she wanted to.

She wasn't surprised when Elanor nudged her leg to get her attention, because it appeared that Tessa was the only one without a thousand watt smile on her face and a motor mouth right now, and she was even less surprised when she told her, "Jacob's back in St. Louis you know."

"Okay." Was all Tessa said, and she couldn't help but wonder if she could just make a break for it now, she could just take off and start new somewhere she didn't know anyone and no one knew her.

Still, she was a sucker for punishment so she got comfortable next to her mother, on the couch filled with the rest of her sister's entourage for that morning. She hoped this wouldn't be a four-hour long affair. Elanor turned in her seat to face her and she asked her, "Well... are you coming home?"

"What for?" Tessa asked her, a little sharply but her mother didn't get the point.

She stated, as if it were obvious, "You can fix things with Jacob, make things right."

Tessa rolled her eyes, "Not happening."

Before Elanor could bring up Jacob and start what Tessa knew would be a huge argument between the two of them Amelia came out in her first dress and Tessa could have rolled her eyes. Shea would hate it, that was the first thing Tessa thought when she saw the poufy glitzy wedding dress that made Amelia look more like she was going to a ball straight out of a Disney movie than an actual wedding. He would hate the skirt, he would hate the 'bling' and he would most certainly hate the amount of cleavage it showed. He would say otherwise, he would keep his opinion to himself because it was Amelia's dress but Tessa knew he would hate it.

Tessa hadn't even been aware that she tuned out her surroundings to make a list of reasons why Shea would hate Amelia's wedding dress until she heard Amelia ask, "Tessie?"

She looked up, "What? Sorry."

Amelia let out a laugh and asked, "What do you think?"

Tessa hesitated for a moment, before she told her honestly, "I think... honestly I think you look like a cupcake."

Her mother sighed from beside her and all of Amelia's friends rolled their eyes at her but to everyone's surprise, Amelia nodded her head and agreed, "Yeah, you're right."

Four dresses later Amelia was no closer to finding a dress than she had been when she walked into the place and Tessa's patience was wearing thin. This was one of those moments where the differences between she and Amelia were front and center.

It had taken Tessa all of five minutes to find a wedding dress, in fact, she had ordered it online without even trying it on first and then had it altered once it arrived. Her wedding had been simple; small guest list, quick ceremony, and Tessa was almost positive that she and Jacob had actually taken off less than half an hour into the reception.

Tessa hated big spectacle's, whereas Amelia loved them. Amelia had been planning her wedding since she was five years old and Tessa hadn't ever given any thought to it. Tessa hadn't even started planning her own wedding until six months before they got married, over a year after they got engaged. Everything about big moments where all of the attention was on her Tessa hated, the only reason she even agreed to have a real wedding was because Jacob had wanted it. Tessa would have much rather just gone to the courthouse one afternoon and called it a day.

When Amelia came out in her sixth dress Tessa could tell by the huge grin on her face that this was it. She was almost thankful, that meant she got to go home soon. The dress was still very in your face, in Tessa's opinion, it hugged her body and then flared out mid thigh, the beading flowed from the bottom of her chest down to the bottom of her dress, it was sleeveless but not strapless and there was a lace panel across her chest to cover most of her cleavage.

Amelia let out a giggle, a literal giggle, and said, "It has pockets."

Tessa couldn't help it, she let out a laugh at that. Maybe things could somewhat go back to normal.

She knew Shea would like this dress, and Amelia looked amazing and Tessa was jealous. She hated that she was, but there was no denying it now. The minute she looked at her sister in her wedding dress she thought of what Shea might think when he saw it for the first time, and the reality of their situation dawned on Tessa in the worst way possible. She was jealous of her sister for marrying the guy she had been with for five years, because in a matter of two months Tessa had managed to go and develop feelings for that very same guy.

All eyes turned to her, waiting for her opinion and so Tessa kept it simple, hoping that her voice didn't betray her, "You look beautiful, and Shea's not gonna know what hit him."

The ride home was filled with Amelia and Elanor talking about wedding details that Tessa had no interest in hearing so she kept quiet in the back seat and busied herself with making a note on her phone of all the things she wanted to run by Pekka for his house.

That was when the conversation switched to Tessa, and Amelia told Elanor, "Tessie's renovating one of Shea's teammate's houses."

"Really?"

Tessa nodded her head but she didn't say a word, so Amelia spoke for her, "You should see all the designs she has, they're amazing."

"Why couldn't you do something like this in St. Louis?" And there it was. Tessa knew the rest of that question, the part that her mother left out. With Jacob.

Tessa simply told her, "Never had the time."

When Amelia pulled into the parking lot Tessa was out of the car immediately, she lead the group into the house where she kicked out of her shoes and went straight to her bedroom. She could hear Amelia telling their mother that she hadn't been feeling well the last few days, and after not even a full two minutes alone there was a knock on her door and Elanor stepped into the bedroom.

"Mind if I sit?" Tessa shrugged her shoulders and moved a few feet down the bed for her mother to sit next to her. They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Tessa's head snapped over to her mother when she asked, "You're not pregnant are you?"

"What?" Tessa asked her quickly, eyebrow raised, heart hammering in her chest.

"Your sister mentioned that you haven't been feeling well lately, I wondered if maybe that was why you were sticking around here instead of moving back home." Elanor told her, no doubt trying to be delicate about the situation even though that wasn't something she did.

Tessa rolled her eyes, "I'm not pregnant, mother."

"So what is it?" Elanor asked her, and when Tessa raised her eyebrow she went on to explain, "Everyone else may have been too preoccupied today to notice what a foul mood you were in, but I wasn't and I noticed."

"It's nothing." It's none of your business is more like it.

"Does this have anything to do with Jacob?" Elanor asked her.

"Why does everything have to do with him?" Tessa asked, crossing her arms over her chest as she narrowed her eyes.

"It's just... well... I think maybe watching your little sister getting married when you kind of... let your marriage fail is... hard for you. I just didn't want you to be bitter over all of this because it's about Amelia, not you." Tessa really, honestly couldn't believe this was even coming out of her mother's mouth.

She spoke with a certain anger in her voice, "You have no right to comment on my marriage, or lack thereof, and you certainly have no right to call me bitter or try to tell me that this is about Amelia. I know that, and I've done nothing but support her even after Jake and I got divorced. This has nothing to do with me being bitter that she's getting married when my marriage, what did you call it? Failed?"

"Well, maybe I could understand this better if I understood you at all." Elanor told her, and Tessa got up from her bed, turned to face her with her arms still crossed over her chest and she raised her eyebrow. So Elanor explained what she meant, "I just don't understand why. Why you ruined your marriage, why you won't even talk to him, why you won't go home and fix things with him?"

This was another moment where Tessa couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Is that what you think? You think I ruined my marriage? You think this whole thing was my fault?" Tessa asked her, unable to keep her emotions at bay for a second time that day. When her eyes welled up with tears Elanor went to get up but Tessa held her hand out in a stopping motion. She continued, "You really think that I just threw in the towel one day and walked away? That I woke up one morning and thought 'hey, I think it's about time I completely threw my life for a loop' and just decided that things were done?"

"What else am I supposed to think Tessa? After ten years with him, you just got divorced out of nowhere." Her mother's voice was soft, but firm and Tessa rolled her eyes at her words.

"It was not out of nowhere!" Tessa exclaimed, and then she lowered her voice and asked her, "Do you have any idea what the last six years of my life were like with him? Do you have any idea what he put me through?"

Elanor rolled her eyes, "He gave you a big house, a nice car, security and practically anything you wanted. The way I see it, you had it pretty good, and typical Tessa you went and ruined it for no good reason."

"Do you know what it's like to feel like you're not a person anymore? Because that's how Jake made me feel mom. I was just this accessory that he only ever paid attention to when he needed it. I wasn't a person for six whole years with him, he made it so that I didn't have an identity and then he decided to rip the rug out from under me and hand me divorce papers. Yeah, that's right, he was the one who cried divorce, not me."

Tessa was fuming, and she was done with the conversation. She yanked the bedroom door open and walked right past Amelia and to the front door. She stuffed her feet into a pair of runners and left the house before either of them could say a word to her.

Tessa decided that she should take her anger out on that annoying wall in Pekka's master suit. That seemed like a good plan. So she let herself into his house, locking the door behind her before she grabbed what she needed and made her way upstairs. She put on a Spotify playlist on her phone, leaving it sitting on the dresser before she went into the closet area and smiled at what she found.

Before heading out on their road trip today Pekka had cleared out his closet completely, as well as the bathroom and he left a post-it note stuck to one of the shelves in the closet to let her know it was okay for her to start in there.

So she picked up the sledgehammer by her feet and broke a hole in the drywall before she used a crowbar to rip chunks of it out. She spent two hours completely tearing the wall down and when that didn't make her feel any better she took her anger and frustration over the last twenty-four hours out on the inside of the closet; completely ripping it all apart. She was planning on doing it anyway, to make it more functional, why not start now when she clearly had the energy.

It was time to move on with her life. From Jacob, from Shea, and from herself. It was time to figure out exactly who she was now. If only she could figure out how to do that.