If You Go

Jimmy remembered the day he met Sidney. It stood out in his mind, clearer than the diamond she used to wear on her finger. He'd been drawn to her like a magnet, but she hadn't felt the same pull towards him. At least not at first. It took several months - and more pleading than Jimmy would care to admit - but eventually he won Sidney over. And according to her, it was a losing battle from that point on. Because who wouldn't fall in love with a man like James Owen Sullivan?



"What do you want for lunch?" Sidney asked, walking into the kitchen. Her hips sashayed as she walked, and Jimmy found his gaze being drawn downward, his eyes following the movements of her hips. Sidney often cursed her curves, but Jimmy loved them; loved the way they felt beneath his hands, loved the way they fit against him so perfectly.

"Whatever you're fixing is fine with me," Jimmy called back. There was a short pause and then he added, "You know I'm not picky."

Sidney laughed softly under her breath. Since Jimmy left it up to her to choose, she decided to just make a couple of sandwiches. Sidney was putting a little mayonnaise on Jimmy's sandwich when she felt an unexpected pang on the left side of her abdomen, just underneath her ribcage. It wasn't a particularly sharp pain, but the shock of it caused Sidney to drop the knife she was holding.

Jimmy looked up from the television, startled by the sudden clatter in the kitchen. "Sidney, you alright in there, baby?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she called back through gritted teeth. She bent down to retrieve the knife. "The knife just slipped out of my hand, is all." She rinsed the knife off in the sink and finished making the sandwiches, carrying the plates to the living room. The pain in her side persisted as she did this, its intensity fluctuating like a rollercoaster.

"Are you sure you're okay?" The pained looked on Sidney's hadn't escaped his notice.

"I'm fine," Sidney repeated. She leaned over and pressed a kiss to Jimmy's cheek. There was no need to worry Jimmy over a little ache that would probably go away on its own. She wouldn't be surprised if it was just a particularly strong cramp, a sign of her impending period. It was nothing, she was sure.



The pain continued for the next few days, disappearing and then reappearing, always tucked beneath her ribcage. Sidney thought she was right to think that it was cramps when her period started a few days after the incident in the kitchen, but the strange pain didn't dissipate.

Jimmy only became aware of it nearly a month after it started, when he and Sidney were in WalMart. She was holding a vase, rambling on about how beautiful it would look in their dining room, when she felt the same sharp pain in her abdomen. She let out a quiet gasp, pressing her hand into her abdomen, dropping the vase in the process.

"Sidney baby, are you okay?" Jimmy asked. He tried to touch her, but she swatted his hands away.

"I'm fine," Sidney assured him. She bent down, attempting to start sweeping up the broken glass with her hands. Jimmy quickly reached out to stop her, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her up to her feet. "Jimmy, I need to clean up this mess."

"One of the employees will do it," Jimmy said. He surveyed Sidney's face, noticing the dark shadows still lingering in her eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Jimmy, I'm fine," she said again. She felt terrible for lying to him, but she didn't want to worry him. The pain wasn't that bad. "It's just a little pain in my stomach, no big deal."

Sidney was exceptionally good at hiding things and Jimmy believed everything she said; after all, what reason did he have not to? So he let the matter drop, even though the suspicion still lingered in the back of his mind. He fetched an employee to clean up the glass, listening to Sidney apologize profusely, and paid for the vase. On the drive home Sidney rested her head against the cool car window, gritting her teeth against the pain that still thumped beneath her ribcage.

Once they were home she made an excuse to slip away from Jimmy, getting into bed and curling into a ball, pressing her hand against her abdomen. She'd hoped the pain would've gone away by now, but it was still there, although it was quickly fading.

"Sidney?" She heard Jimmy calling out to her from downstairs, and then the sound of his footsteps could be heard coming up the hall. Seconds later, she felt the bed dip behind her and Jimmy laid his hand on the curve of her hip. "Baby, are you sure you're okay?" he asked. His voice was saturated with concern. He was worried about Sidney; he'd never seen her act like this before. "You seem like you're in a lot of pain."

"It's just cramps." The lie slipped off of her tongue before she could stop it. But it was a good one. She knew Jimmy wouldn't question her about that; the subject made him uncomfortable. "I just need to lie down for a little while and I'll be fine."

"Well uh, do you need anything?" Jimmy asked. He moved his hand down to the small of her back, rubbing soothing circles; small ones, slowly widening in circumference. "You know, aspirin? Anything?"

Sidney bit her lip. Every time she added on to the lie, she felt all the more awful. "Um yeah, could you get my heating pad from the top drawer?"

"Sure, baby." Jimmy leaned down and kissed Sidney on the cheek before going to get the heating pad for her. He plugged it up behind the nightstand and set it on medium heat before handing it to her. "Anything else?"

Sidney shook her head. "No Jimmy," she whispered. "I'm fine."



After the incident at WalMart, Jimmy became more adept at noticing Sidney's suffering. He could see the flash of pain in the whites of her eyes when the pain first reappeared, scratching at her ribcage; he could see the shadow that lingered as the pain ebbed away. He always asked her if she was okay, always fretted over her as she dug the heel of her hand into her side, and she always said the same thing.

I'm fine. The two-word phrase had become the petite brunette's mantra and at first Jimmy believed her, but over time the phrase became empty.

"I don't understand why you won't go to the doctor," Jimmy fretted, standing over Sidney as she knelt on the floor, trying to retrieve the olive she'd dropped that had rolled under the fridge. "And just leave the olive there, it's too far for you to reach."

"I can't leave it, we'll get ants," Sidney answered curtly. She got to her feet, walked over to the cabinet to fetch the grabber that was hanging on the side. She only addressed Jimmy's first statement when she was lying on the ground, no possible way for her to meet his gaze. "And you know I don't like going to the doctor's. Hospitals creep me out."

"Then go to the clinic," Jimmy said, his voice betraying his exasperation. "Sidney, you've had this weird pain in your side for what, like four months now? You really should get it checked out."

Sidney didn't answer right away, feigning interest in the olive she was retrieving. She waited until she'd thrown it in the trash before she answered. "Jimmy, I'm fine," she said, for what felt like the millionth time. "It's just a little stitch in my side every so often. It doesn't hurt that bad. There's really no reason to go to the doctor about it."

Jimmy's lips pressed into a flat line. It was unusual to see Jimmy without a smile on his face and it made Sidney strangely uncomfortable, made her want to squirm. But she didn't. She bit her lip and stood her ground, waiting several agonizingly long seconds until finally, Jimmy sighed. "Alright," he said, relenting. "But if it gets any worse, you are going to the doctor, even if I have to tie you up and carry you over my shoulder."



Sidney scribbled down an elderly couple's order, tucking her pen back into her apron as she walked over to the ticket window. She laid the ticket down in the window and then leaned against the counter, digging the heel of her hand into her left side. The pain had reappeared about halfway through her shift and it seemed to be taking quite a bit more out of her than usual.

She'd been ignoring Jimmy's continued pleas to go to the doctor, but now she was beginning to think that avoiding the hospital might have been a foolish decision. She made the decision to go to the doctor's office after her shift ended, if she could make it that long. Sidney felt weak and flushed, like she might be coming down with something.

This did not escape the attention of her co-workers. Jenna, a nice woman in her mid-thirties who'd been working there nearly as long as Sidney, approached the brunette and laid her hand on Sidney's shoulder. "Sweetheart, are you okay?" she asked, her voice soft and cautious. "You don't look too good."

"Just feeling a little dizzy, is all," Sidney answered. The pain in her abdomen suddenly swelled and Sidney gritted her teeth, pressing down hard with her hand.

"Maybe you should go sit down," Jenna suggested. Sidney started to shake her head, tried to tell Jenna that she was fine, but the other woman already had her small hand pressed to the small of Sidney's back, guiding her into the cramped kitchen. "Sidney's just going to rest back here for a few minutes," Jenna announced to the kitchen staff.

Jenna guided Sidney to a small folded chair in the back corner of the kitchen, right next to the freezer. Sidney sat down, folding in half as she dug her hand even harder into her side, trying in vain to squash away the pain. Normally it would have ebbed away by now, but tonight it still burned beneath her rib cage.

It grew so intense that soon Sidney found herself feeling nauseated. "I'm going to go to the bathroom," Sidney mumbled, not worrying if anyone actually heard her. She braced her arms on the chair, pushing herself up to a standing position. But as soon as she was standing Sidney felt like she was caught in a whirlwind; the room started to spin and then suddenly, everything went black.



"You guys ready to get started?" Jimmy looked up at the sound of Matt's voice, nodding his head when the singer's words finally registered in his mind. He was a tad out of it; lack of sleep would do that to a person. He'd been kept awake late into the night by Sidney, who squirmed and kicked and Jimmy knew it was because of the pain in her side. He knew she said she didn't want to go to the doctor's, but this afternoon he was going to make her go whether she wanted to or not.

"Jimmy?" Suddenly Zacky was standing in front of him, chiseled eyebrow raised high. "You coming or what?"

Jimmy shook his head. "Yeah, yeah, sorry man." The two men headed down the hall to the small joint recording room, where the voices of the other three members drifted out into the hallway. Jimmy took a seat behind his kit, fishing his phone from his pocket as it started to vibrate. It was a number he didn't recognize, but he answered it anyway.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this James Sullivan?" The female voice on the other end of the line was unfamiliar.

"Uh, yeah?"

"Mr. Sullivan, this is Dr. Rorish from Pacific Coast Hospital. I'm calling because you are listed as the emergency contact for your wife, Sidney Sullivan."

At the sound of Sidney's name, Jimmy's heart dropped into his stomach. He immediately started to panic; he could feel his heart thumping against his breastbone. "Well, is...is she okay? What happened?"

"I'm not authorized to release that information over the phone," the doctor explained. "However, if you come to the hospital, I would be happy to discuss your wife's condition."

"O-Of course," Jimmy stuttered. He mashed the end call button, shoved his phone into his pocket. His mind was in a frenzy, more so than usual, yet all he could think was that he needed to get to the hospital. Hospital. Hospital. The word pinged around in his mind like a golf ball. Jimmy mumbled something to the guys about needing to go, but he was caught by the elbow on his way out the door.

"Jimmy, where the hell are you going?" The voice was deep, gruff. Matt. But it also sounded like they were both underwater; the words sounded warped, surreal. "We're about to start recording, you can't just run off."

"Sidney," he choked out. "S-Something's wrong with Sidney."

"What do you mean something's wrong with Sidney?" Matt repeated. "What happened?"

"I don't know!" Jimmy shouted. He shook Matt's hand away. "I've gotta go."

Jimmy drove to the hospital on auto-pilot. He barely took the time to throw his car into park before hurrying inside, slapping his hands down on the counter of the nurse's station. "My name is Jimmy Sullivan," he said, breathless. "My wife Sidney...the doctor said..."

"Your wife is in ICU room 413," the nurse explained. "Just be careful not to get her too worked up, her blood pressure is a little high."

Jimmy mumbled something in response and hurried down the hall, stumbling over his own feet in his haste to get to Sidney's room. It took barely fifteen seconds to locate the correct room, but it was more than enough time for Jimmy to imagine all of the terrible things that had happened to Sidney. He imagined her being pulled from the burning wreckage of her car, ribs cracking as the paramedics attempted to restart her heart, coming to the room to find someone who didn't look like his Sidney, kept alive by tubes and wires.

Jimmy was so worked up that at first he didn't notice that Sidney was awake, half-lidded eyes staring at him with a mixture of confusion and heart-wrenching relief. She reached up to remove the oxygen mask covering her mouth and nose, letting out a breathless sigh of, "Jimmy."

"Sidney." Jimmy ran to the bed, threw his arms around Sidney. Her arms went around his shoulders, clutching onto the fabric of his shirt, pulling him as close as she could possibly manage. Jimmy moved away from Sidney, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Sidney," he said again, his voice barely a whisper. "What happened?"

Sidney looked away, focusing her gaze on the organized prism of light created by the sunlight filtering in through the blinds. How could she possibly tell Jimmy that it was that mysterious ache under her rib cage that had ultimately brought her here, when he'd been pestering her to go to the doctor's for months? But the time for secrets was over. And even if Sidney didn't tell Jimmy, this time finding out the truth would be as simple as talking to the doctor.

"I was at work today, and about halfway through my shift I felt that pain in my side again." Sidney could feel Jimmy's ocean-colored eyes on her as she spoke, but she couldn't look at him; she stared at a spot on the blanket, picking at a stray thread. "It was so much worse this time...I-I don't know why, but it hurt s-so bad and I started feeling sick and I tried to go to the bathroom but when I stood up I felt dizzy and everything went black and then I passed out and...and..."

Suddenly Sidney's breath seemed to catch in her throat. She scrambled for her oxygen mask; Jimmy handed it to her and Sidney pressed it to her face, gasping in the oxygen. "Sidney, baby, breathe," he urged. "It's gonna be okay, baby, it's gonna be okay." Jimmy said this over and over, but deep down, he didn't quite believe it.

Sidney shook her head, dropping her mask as she started to cry. The tears burned as they fell down her cheeks. "I'm gonna die," she cried, shaking with her sobs. She was scared; she didn't want to die but somehow she knew that she would. She was going to die today and it was all because she'd been stubborn and ignored Jimmy's pleas to go to the doctor.

"Sidney." Jimmy said her name again and the sound of it split Sidney's heart in two. She cried even harder, gasping for the air that couldn't quite reach her lungs. Jimmy reached for the mask again, this time stretching the elastic band around her head. He reached for her hands, squeezing them so hard it almost hurt her. "You're not gonna die. You...You can't die. We've got so much living to do together. We're gonna have kids and and grow old together. You're gonna be alright. Because you can't die, you just can't."

Suddenly a machine started to beep and a nurse blew into the room. She took one look at the machines and turned a hard stare on Jimmy. "I thought you were told not to raise her blood pressure," she said.

"I-I didn't mean to," Jimmy mumbled. And it was true, he hadn't meant to. But he'd gotten worked up and that had gotten Sidney worked up.

"Maybe you should leave," the nurse said. "You can come back in a little while when--"

"No." The voice was muffled and at first Jimmy wondered where it had come from, since it certainly hadn't come from his own mouth. But then he felt Sidney's hand on his own, squeezing it so hard that Jimmy thought she was afraid he might actually leave. "I want him to stay. Let...Jimmy stay."

The nurse pursed her lips but in the end allowed Jimmy to stay, provided he didn't raise Sidney's blood pressure anymore. So once the nurse was gone, Jimmy climbed into the small, hard bed next to Sidney, navigating all the tubes and wires. He drew her tiny frame close to his, wondering and worrying about when she'd gotten so fragile, so small. He curled himself around her, as if that could protect her from the things that were hurting her.

There were no more words; Jimmy was worried that he might do something else to hurt Sidney and she was tired. She fell asleep curled against Jimmy's torso, hand gripping tight to his shirt. For a short time Jimmy laid with her in silence, brushing his fingers through her hair, but soon he felt his eyelids growing heavy and soon he was asleep, too.

Jimmy felt like he'd only been asleep for a few minutes when he was woken up by a loud, high-pitched noise. "Sidney baby, your alarm is going off," he mumbled. When he didn't feel Sidney stir, he opened his eyes and when he found himself staring up at a cold, gray ceiling, only then did he remember that he was in a hospital. "God, what is that noise, I can't hear myself think!" Jimmy shouted.

Jimmy rubbed at his temples, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. In his state of half-sleep, it took Jimmy a bit longer than it should have to realize what was causing the unbroken, high-pitched noise that still filled the room. But suddenly it hit him and with horror he look up at the flat line crawling across the screen of the heart monitor.