Cheaters = Losers

"What?" His voice was so soft it was like a thousand demons all clawing at my chest.
"I, oh Jesus, Billie I can't do this," I felt my breath catch as I began to shake uncontrollably. I vaguely registered the comforting feeling of his arms around me and his gentle movements as he carried me to bed.
"What's happened? Talk to me, Lils," he said calmly. I didn't want him to be calm. I wanted him to scream and shout and do something stupid, at least then I could fake a fury at him and insist on staying. Of course, he had to be all perfect and make my life a million times harder.
"I, I talked to Chris," and between stutters and sobs and Billie's arms, I managed to force out the cutting words from my sister. "And now I don't know what to do, because I love you and you know I love you and I obviously love being with you, but I love my family and I don't know if I can leave knowing I fucked them over so badly last time!" I wailed. Billie stayed quiet, which was really bugging me.
"Can't you like, lose your temper and scream and shout a bit?" I asked meekly and I heard a damp chuckle in return.

Billie turned around and kissed me softly, making me melt into the perfection that he was and cry even harder. When he pulled away his eyes were soft and sad as he wiped the set streaks off my cheeks.
"C'mon, don't cry,"
"I don't know what else to do!" I moaned dramatically, it felt like my chest was going implode and explode at once and I was noticing that there was an uncomfortable, throbbing pressure building up in my head.
"I have two lives and they're on separate sides of the fucking planet!" He had gotten up and was packing, but paused to dart over and kiss the top of my head, cradling my cheeks gently in his hands.
"I know, it sucks,"
"I don't know what to do, Billie, I don't know which way to go,"
"What feels right?"
"Nothing! If I go with you I break their hearts, if I stay with them you break my heart," unable to vocalise my next sentence, I flopped back into my bed and made a loud groaning noise like a dying whale into my pillow.

I decided that the best thing to do was sit up and watch the muscles tensing and stretching in Billie's back as he packed, which at least felt like a good decision until my mind interrupted and began to nag. How could I live without him? Everything he did was my reason to live, he was everything to me, my oxygen, my water, my world. I couldn't leave him, but I couldn't leave my family either, they were my Earth, they kept me grounded and showed me who I was and helped me to grow. Billie yanked his shirt over his head and threw it into the case before zipping the thing up and crawling into bed with me.

We laid tangled together as usual, but there was a slight sadness about it.
"You don't have to make a decision until tomorrow, y'know," He mumbled quietly, holding me close to him. I nodded against the warm expanse of his chest.
"I hate you," I butted my head very softly into his chest. In response, there was a slight chuckle.
"I thought you loved me?" He questioned teasingly
"Yeah, but you're so perfect I hate you. Can't you just be a retard and go kiss a stripper so I can lose my shit at you and make my choice easy?"
"You're not funny,"
"I am. I could've been a comedian," I responded indignantly because I didn't know how else to respond. I didn't know what to say to myself to make it better, let alone to Billie.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well, hence making the 'Sleep on it,' shebang a whole lot harder. A groggy 4 am run couldn't make heads or tails of the situation and only helped by waking me up as I slowly got drenched in the drizzle of the grey morning. When I returned Billie had woken up and was sat up, reading one of my books. The way he looked at me made my heart break because no one, looked at me like that and it made me feel very wonderful, very mushy things inside. His eyes went all soft, the beautiful green irises became almost invisible because his pupils were very dilated, he would quirk his head slightly like a puppy and he had this silly little smile that made me want to run and kiss him. And then my argument swung in the opposite direction as my mind begged me to go with him because I couldn't remember how to breathe without him.

The day dragged by, and it was more painful than nails down a blackboard. I took a long shower, which usually helped but only managed to further fog my mind as I sat on the wet tiles, hot water flowing around me and knees drawn into my chest as I sobbed silently.

Mum had put her soul into cooking us a big goodbye breakfast, which was her way of expressing her love, and she didn't even look annoyed at Billie, which naturally broke me further because they were finally starting to get along or at least Mum was starting to see past Billie's appearance to his heart of solid gold.

Determined to make the best of a bad day, Billie took me out to the Natural History Museum and we wandered aimlessly around the exhibits, before having lunch there. The big open space of the café allowed the sunlight to filter through the ceiling, and Billie was sat just so that the light hit the back of his head, illuminating the dark strands of hair like a halo and making his skin glow. His little crooked grin was mesmerising and I couldn't help but let my mind wonder to how someone could possibly be so attractive.
"What?" He laughed softly, breaking me from my trance.
"I just can't help but think about how I managed to get someone so beautiful," I said absentmindedly, and then realised my words and was fascinated with the brownie in front of me as I could feel the stupid heat rushing to my face. It was ridiculous how I had been seeing him for months and I still embarrassed myself around him all the time, there was just something about Billie that turned me into an emotional, sappy mess. His rich laugh brought me back to Earth again, and there was a sudden heaviness in my chest as I was reminded of what was happening soon.
"Y'know, I often find myself thinking the same thing," He said softly and reached across the table to link our fingers together, his thumb gently stroking my skin. My heart hurt so much, I was beyond in love with him. We finished up at the museum and walked around the grounds, I told him about the beautiful ice rink they built in the winter, how the trees were decorated with fairy lights and the grounds were dominated by stunning Christmas Trees. Just remembering the picture perfect image of my city sent another cold shard through me, because I missed it so much, I would love to stay in London and see another proper Christmas.

We returned home, to where Chris was demonstrating her new skills with the ice cream van, she'd managed to bribe one of the local ice cream men into giving her a few lessons, and it was a skill she was very adept at. Mum had made my favourite red velvet muffins as a snack and again I remembered how good her cooking was, and that I couldn't remember how I had survived without it for so long.

With an aching head and nausea from the confusion settling in my stomach I excused myself to my room, leaving Chris kicking Billie's ass on Green Day: Rock Band. I locked the door and sank onto my bed, staring at the familiarity of my walls. The sensation it brought me, even when the room was nearly bare, told me that this was home, and Billie's room just didn't compare. I hauled myself over to my desk where all I could do was sit with my hands fisted in my hair and my elbows pressing painfully against the wood as my mind raced in circles, always coming back to the same conclusion - neither here nor there.
"For fuck's sake," I snarled dropping my head harshly onto the desk, making myself jump at the venom in my words. I felt completely trapped, caged like an animal, there was nobody I could get advice from because no matter who I chose, they would want me to pick what worked for them.
People really are selfish, I thought, not that I was any better. I was trying to choose between my family and a rockstar.

Half an hour of agony later I gave up and tried to come to a visual conclusion, grabbing some paper and a pen I angrily scribbled a line down the middle and two headings: Stay and Go. I began to write every reason that came into my head for both, and after a solid ten minutes of writing, I was done.
"Okay," I said to myself, taking a deep sigh and fully accepting the fact that I was insane.
"There's too much emotion in this. You pick the side with the most reasons. End of."

I stared at my paper, there was a whole page in the Stay column, and one word in the other, in big, bold letters, underlined thrice and circled was Billie.
"I must be insane," I said because before I could think about it anymore, I was swallowing down the feeling of being about to vomit and was scrabbling around my room, throwing everything near me into my bag. Billie's crap was already downstairs, so as soon as I was packed I dragged the heavy bag with me and went to tell everyone.

I heaved a deep breath and swallowed again, running a hand quickly through my hair and down my face I noticed how clammy my hands were. I made it all the way to the last few steps before I dropped my bag with a very loud thud, making everyone come running. Mum was first, and when her eyes locked on my bag I visibly saw her slump down and when she looked up at me her eyes were dull and brimming with tears.
"You're leaving?" I swallowed hard and nodded, staring at Billie to avoid them.
"Well, it's getting on a bit, I suppose the taxi will be here soon," Dad said stiffly. Realising that I needed a moment to really say goodbye, I turned to Billie.
"Dad's right, Bill, and they get really mad if you're late. Fancy standing on the porch to keep an eye out?" I asked with false positivity, but Billie nodded with a small smile as he got my hidden message and excused himself.

The second the door had clicked shut, there was a whirlwind in my arms and I vaguely registered it was Chris clinging onto me with all of her strength like a limpet.
"Hey," I said quietly, but then my vocals chords closed up as a mournful sound escaped her.
"Chris, I'm not dying," I mumbled into her hair, secretly enjoying the scent of her shampoo. It was the same one that Mum had been buying for us since we were kids, and I realised with watery eyes that I really was leaving home. Chrissie refused to detach herself from me, so I hugged a quietly sobbing Mum and a stiff-upper-lipped Dad around her.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" Mum asked me, handkerchief clutched to her chest.
"Positive," I lied. The reaction from my family, this time in front of my face was making me question everything for the millionth time, but I couldn't let Mum know because she'd only worry herself sick. And besides, as soon as I got back with Jimmy everything would be forgotten anyway.
"Well, I won't say anything against you then," she sniffed and I knew Mum was speaking against her will. "Billie is a fine young man and I'm sure he'll take care of you. I can see you two love each other very much,"
"And if he does so much as lift a toe against your will don't think I won't be over there in thirteen and a half hours," my dad threatened.

After yet another round of hugs and tearful goodbyes from me as well as them, our bags were loaded into the taxi and Billie and I were pulling away from the three waving figures at my front door. I had my head pressed against the cold glass for the whole journey to the airport, tears leaking down my face the more I tried to stop them and I was having a hard time looking at Billie, let alone responding to his words. I held his hand as we checked in but he knew as well as I did that I was more like a directed toddler than anything else. We mooched around the shops and had tea in order to avoid the aeroplane food, but I could barely crack a smile at Billie's lame jokes which normally had me in stitches. I felt even worse because I knew that I was hurting him by being so blank, but there was one image burned into my mind and I couldn't shake it, and of course it was my family, Mum and Chris sobbing in Dad's arms as I left them behind.

We were just about to board the plane when Billie stopped me.
"Billie what are you doing? C'mon, we'll be late," I tried to get him to walk but he turned so that he was stood between me and the plane.
"I'm not letting you do this,"
"What are you talking about?"
"This, tear yourself up about whether you're making the right decision or not," I felt my stomach drop through the floor at his words.
"I'll get over it, now let's go,"
"No,"
"Yes,"
"No,"
"Yes,"
"Lily, you're not getting on that plane,"
"I bloody well am," I shot back.

Billie leant forward and snatched my boarding pass out of my hand.
"Billie what are you-" my voice was cut off as he ripped the pass to pieces and threw them down. I watched speechless as they fluttered to the ground like large snowflakes.
"Billie," I gasped, but before I could do much else he had pulled me close and was kissing me with everything he had.
"I love you, I love you so much, but I can read you like a book, Lils, and I'm not being the asshole that lets you make the same mistake twice. If ripping up your boarding pass is what it takes then that's what I'll do," he spoke as passionately as he kissed me. And I could feel myself becoming lost already.
"I want to go with you," I muttered weakly, gripping onto his arm.
"Not as much as you want to stay at home," he cut in. "Don't worry, I'm not mad," he said with a sad smile.

The flight attendant was making the last call, so I grabbed his collar and dragged him to me, kissing him with everything I had, to the point where I was exhausted from the effort, but it was a brilliant last kiss. When he forced himself to pull away my lips were still tingling.
"I love you," I whispered, and stood there in dead shock as Billie Joe turned around and boarded the plane alone, just before the doors shut.

I stood in the rain alone, trying to call a taxi. I wasn't aware of when it had gotten dark, or when it had started raining. I took a deep breath to steady my shaking hands as I watched Billie's plane go shooting over my head, carrying him to the other side of the world without me and my chest burned. I finally got a taxi and managed to force out my address before sitting in silence. I refused to cry in public, even if that meant biting my trembling lips as Billie left me all alone, right through the airport as I left the departure lounge and through the entire taxi ride. By the time I had gotten home I was dripping wet and completely numb. I could hear the fat droplets falling from my hair and clothes onto the tiles in the hallway.

Chris ran into the hallway to see who was at the door, but skidded to a halt when she saw me.
"Lily?" She gasped, loudly enough that Mum and Dad came running and the three were stood, staring at me incredulously.
"Lily what are you doing here? Did you miss your flight? Where's Billie?" Mum instantly fussed, but I was hurting so much I couldn't do anything but shake my head.
"Lily?" My Dad asked gently, a hint of a wobble in his voice.

"He wouldn't let me do it," the six words echoed around the silence in the grand hallway, bouncing off the walls as nobody dared speak. And then like a boulder it hit me and I suddenly felt everything as I heard my own words.

And it was then that I broke down.