Only I Know

I wander into Finn’s coffee shop around five, a copy of The Joke clenched in my hands. The store is nearly empty, just a few fellow college students working on homework with headphones in. Finn is wiping down a counter, chatting with one of his coworkers. His head perks up when he hears the bell on the door. His face breaks out in a broad smile.

“You’re here! Finally!” He shouts, tossing the rag aside and telling his coworker he is going on break. He quietly tells me to meet him around back. I nod and make my way around to the back of the store. A moment later, Finn pops out holding a brown bag and a pack of cigarettes.

“Do you mind if I smoke?” He asks, looking at me nervously.

“Go for it,” I shrug. He sticks a cigarette between his lips and offers me one. I politely decline.

“You don’t smoke?” He mutters, holding up his lighter. I shake my head. He pulls the cigarette out and turns his head to exhale away from me. “Do you think it’s gross? I’m sorry, I’m working on quitting. I’ve got myself down to two a day”.

“It’s fine! I mean, it’s not my favourite thing, but, like, I don’t think any less of you”. I tell him honestly, stepping a little closer to him. “I brought you this”.

I hold up the book. He gasps lightly and thanks me. He then asks how my day was and I find a lot of comfort in telling him the mundane details of my school day. His kind eyes sweep over me while I complain about the questions my classmates ask in my English class. I pause and look him over. He’s stomped out his cigarette and is leaning against the brick wall of the store. He catches my eyes and tilts his head to one side.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks. I nod and prop myself up on my toes, leaning towards him. We both freeze half an inch apart and laugh. I begin to sink down, so I grab Finn’s hips and push myself back up to leave a tiny peck on his lips. I wink at him as I return to my normal stance. Finn smirks, clearly dissatisfied with our kiss. He hunches at the shoulders, holds my face in his hands and presses our lips together. His mouth opens slightly as he adjusts the angle of his face. I let out a tiny groan, my skin tingling pleasantly. When we separate Finn looks a little overwhelmed. He lets out an idle laugh, looking down at his hands. I take a half step back.

“Can I tell you a little secret?” He mutters almost silently. “You’re the first person I’ve kissed since high school…”

I can’t keep my eyebrows from shooting up. Finn looks at the ground and takes a bagel out of his brown paper bag, eager to shove a piece of it into his mouth to postpone the conversation.

“Really?” I reach out and squeeze his upper arm. He nods.

“There’s a reason for it… I won’t get into it today, but I just… really like you, so I got a little brave. I’m sorry if that was too fast for you. I haven’t felt comfortable enough around someone in a really long time… and now I’m rambling…” He sticks another piece of bagel in his mouth, trying to avoid eye contact. I place my hand on his neck, gently coaxing his eyes to meet mine.

“No, talk to me. Ramble all you want, please. I wanna listen.”

Finn takes a deep breath, exhaling loudly. He makes eye contact finally and it looks like he is starting to tear up. He inhales deeply again.

“Wow…I really like you, Alex,” he says while exhaling. “You scare the shit out of me because we barely know each other, but you make me so comfortable, which is a feeling I haven’t felt with someone in a super long time. And the fact that you actually came here and spent my break with me in an alley and let me smoke in your face, like, god why did you even bother? Like, what did I do to deserve such a cute, sweet boy in my life?”

Finn laughs to keep back his tears. I lean forward and hug him tightly, telling him quietly that I have some of the same feelings about him. “I have to go back inside now,” he grumbles, pressing a flat hand firmly against the small of my back. “Will I see you tomorrow morning?” I nod against his chest.
“Do you wanna come over this weekend?” I ask, reluctantly breaking our embrace and handing him the book I brought. He agrees to hang out, telling me he will come over when he gets off work on Saturday. We also exchange numbers before kissing each other on the cheek and parting ways. I’m not even a hundred yards from the store before I hear my phone buzz in my pocket.

I can’t wait to see you again :)
 

Saturday arrives and I make the mistake of going to the gym right before Finn gets to my house. In fact, he has already beaten me and is sitting on the steps outside waiting by the time I walk up. I apologize profusely, but he ensures me he was only waiting a couple of minutes. We go inside and he asks where the bathroom is. I point him down the hall and rush into my bedroom, digging around for a clean set of clothes to change into.

The bathroom door opens as I am pulling my sweaty t-shirt over my head. I hear a gasp. I whip around to see Finn in my doorway staring at me. I yelp and try to cover myself up.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Finn whispers, taking a step towards me. My heart plummets. Great, he isn’t interested anymore. I feel my heart pounding against the spandex stretched tight across my chest. My eyes dart to the vial of testosterone on my desk. I take a step away from Finn, terrified that he may try to hurt me.

“Take that thing off right now,” he says firmly, his voice growing louder. He takes my hands and places them down at my sides. He stands behind me and unfastens the ace wrap under my armpit and slowly unravels it, revealing several cuts and deep red lines across my skin. He runs his fingertips over them. “You should have told me you were using ace wrap. I can get you a real binder.”

I burst into tears. The sense of fear, relief, and some type of love brings hot, frantic tears to my eyes. I spin and throw myself into Finn’s arms. He holds me tight.

“How are you real?” I cry, gasping against his black polo.

“Those things are so dangerous, Alex. I can’t believe you worked out in one”.

“I didn’t want you to know yet”.

“I just want you to be safe. Do you have a real binder? I have a friend who might have some spares”.

“Thank you,” I whisper, starting to settle down. Finn gently rubs my back and sits me down on my bed, handing me my clean shirt. I throw it on, using the sleeves to wipe my eyes. “Well, this is a good start,” I mumble. Finn sits beside me and kisses my cheek. I exhale sharply and rest my head sideways against Finn’s shoulder. He lays a hand awkwardly against my face. It’s a weird move, but I appreciate the closeness.

“Is this okay?” My voice cracks. I tilt my chin down toward the rest of my body.

“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?” Finn replies certainly.

“Oh, I don’t know…”

“Listen, you’re pretty much the coolest guy I know. I get serious butterflies every time I see you, but I need you to be open with me about your needs and boundaries, because the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

“You’re so nice to me,” I whine playfully. Finn pulls me into him and plants a long kiss on my forehead. “Now, what do you want to do today?”

“I’d really like to just watch TV or something… I do have to finish a project for class tonight, though. I work all day tomorrow and I really don’t wanna do it”.

“What’s the project about?”

“It’s a poster about Kurt Vonnegut like I’m in fifth grade or something. I mean, I like Vonnegut and all, but gluing construction paper to a giant piece of cardboard is kind of insulting at this point in my education”.

Finn chuckles deep in his throat and slides an arm across my shoulders. “I will help you with your project. But let’s go watch something for a while”.

We decide to watch Powerpuff Girls, which goes on for several more hours than I think either of us anticipated. Two seasons later, the sun has set, and my eyes are struggling to stay open thanks to my midday trip to the gym. Finn coaxes me up off the couch and back into my bedroom. I groan in disgust as I pull out all the supplies I need to finish the poster. I kneel down on the floor and start laying out all the slips of paper and photos on the carpet. I roll onto my stomach and start to glue the first few pieces of text to the posterboard, but it doesn’t last very long. Before I know it I am fast asleep on the floor.

I wake up Sunday morning in my own bed, groggy and a bit uncertain what happened the night before. There is a note on my bedside table.

You fell asleep as soon as you got your English project out. Have no fear, I finished it up for you. It’s in the living room. I tucked you in too. Hope you slept well! Your house key is under the mat. Text me when you get off work! –Finn

I blink rapidly, holding the note close to my face, incredulous. I put my glasses on and venture out into the living room. The poster is, in fact, completed and propped up against the coffee table. I shake my head and pick it up. It looks amazing.

I turn to the front door and open it, lifting up the doormat. Sure enough, my house key is laying on the porch. I pick it up and go back inside. I grab my phone and immediately text Finn.

You are a fucking gift.