Loss

I wanted more than anything to see Adam's smiling face appear next to me as I stood under one of the oak trees near the burial site. The large base grew up and up, taller than I could guess. My eyes were still struggling to focus as I watched the pallbearers carry him back.

Everyone was standing under a canopy that had been pitched minus his immediate family who couldn't be seen - a row of chairs lined the front for them. The Preacher began his words again, blessing the casket with Holy water and handing Mrs. Evans the golden cross that had been placed atop with the flowers. Her eyes welled with the kind of tears that screamed finality.

"It wasn't your fault, you know," a voice cracking under sorrow came up from behind me.

I knew it was Kayden, but I couldn't look at him. "I should have been there," my whisper was empty. Final. The prayers and words of forever dedication could be heard in the distance; words I couldn't help but to cling to in desperation. This was a memory I needed to carry forever both as a reminder of what I had caused, and as a memory of the truth I didn't want to see. Adam was gone, and he wasn't coming back. Even with my silence Kayden seemed to understand that my thinking couldn't be reversed - his hand upon my shoulder was a motion of solidarity.

People were starting to disperse and suddenly I remembered where I was. "I need to go," an apologetic grimace settled on my face as I turned from the brother of my beloved prepared to disappear.

Someone was walking toward me just then, and I felt like a deer caught in headlights after it dawned on me that I was about to be face to face with Mrs. Evans. "Adrienne..."

"Oh Audrey, honey." Tears streamed from my tear ducts as her arms wrapped around me. Surely this had to be another moment crafted by my imagination; any moment now I would be told that I shouldn't be here, told not to return. Her sudden sobs were loud and so powerful that we shook.

Only, it wasn't the sobs of Mrs. Evans, it was me and it was painful. She let me go just long enough for one breath of fresh air as Kayden's arms joined hers from the other side of me, their heads taking residence on either of my shoulders. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," I heard myself sputtering between sobs. There was a pain deep in my face as my sinuses backed up, skin on fire with the tears stinging at my pores.

Did Mr. Evans blame me? Is that why Adrienne had come to me alone? Or perhaps she didn't want everyone to see her snubbing her son's fiancee? Hundreds of questions fired rapidly through my brain as I cried.

This would probably be the last time anyone held me and told me that things would be okay.

"Honey...come back to our house, okay?" Adrienne's voice was soft, her hands forming small jails for my shoulders. "Let's get some food in you and have a chat." Her eyes were staring so deeply into mine as if she was trying to will a certain response, so I nodded yes and followed behind her. "Kayden, be a dear and bring her car to the house."

The hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention as anxiety rose from my stomach. The keys to my car were cool against my fingers as I pulled them from my pocket for Kayden. Trees and asphalt blurred on all sides of me as Mrs. Evans drove us to her house. Apparently Mr. Evans had needed to finalize a few things at the cemetery.

Everything was just as I had remembered: two stories, pale cream paint with an even paler edging, pink roses lining the walkway. Seeing as how only two weeks had gone by since my last visit I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. Things felt too different for so much to be the same. I heard the engine of my baby pulling up, and then the heavy steps of my lover's brother who had taken to encouragingly patting me on the back. Did he notice the sameness of things as I had?

With the opening of the front door everything seemed to scream in protest, longing for Adam's presence instead of ours. "Follow Kayden, I'm going to prepare a salad for us." I nodded in thanks as the two of us ghosted up the steps to a room that would now be forever empty.

"There's not much left, since you two had just bought a house," he started quietly, wringing his hands. The bad habit was picked up from me, just like it had been with Adam. "But well, there's a box with your name on it." My heart was pounding in my ears, our feet had come to a stop just inches in front of the door. "A letter, too."

My head cocked to the side, messy hair falling around my face. "A letter?" My breath caught. Surely Adam didn't leave a letter to me instead of his parents. Not at the family home.

Kayden nodded, "Yeah, we don't know what kind of letter, we didn't open it...but we assume...I mean, it had your name on it, so I don't know." Nervousness was clear in his voice, shoulders raised in a tense position.

At a loss for words I took a step forward, hand on the fancy brass knob. "I'm gonna let you do this alone...but I'm right across the hall if you need me." At my nod I was left alone once again. With a deep breath and a gathering of courage I never imagined needing, I pushed the door open and stepped inside.