Loss

Things seemed to close in on me at full speed. Everything was just the same as it had always been, except neater now that someone had come in and cleaned things up. There were posters from concerts Adam had attended in high school, a few framed records here and there. Different artworks of mine were framed and hung near the wide window.

His musical taste had been one of my favorite things about him, especially when it came to his own work. I smiled to myself at the memory of him playing his newer songs just for me as we sat under an old willow at the park across the street from our school. Even though he was brilliant at composing it seemed that he was forever insecure. The opposite was true of when he played music by other artists - he'd strut through the campus like a peacock, belting out the words as if they were his very own. A strange one, my Adam was.

All too soon I ran out of things that I could connect memories to and was left with the box sitting in the middle of his floor. The lid was taped closed, and on top of that lay an envelope with my name. The long and neat script of his writing stood out in a deep black. Thump, thump, thump; my heartbeat was deafening as I sat cross-legged and carefully used my nail to unseal his letter.



My dearest Audrey,

If you are reading this, surely it means I am dead. Your sorrow is inevitable but please promise me that you will not take to doing something stupid to cope. I know you. Please, darling, do not let my untimely end turn you into a walking tragedy.

The letter to my parents said as much, but I feel that you will also need a reminder: this was truly and sincerely not your fault. It is true that I was too weak to fight this darkness that has overcome me. The opposite is true of you. You are and have always been the strong one of us two. I could not bear to drag you down with me. So do not sit and ask yourself what you could have done to change things, as there is nothing. My burdens had no place being yours as well. Now you will be able to climb your own mountains.

And I'll tell you one final secret: you are my hero. Why? Because of your strength. Because of your bravery. I want you to know this because I honestly believe that death isn't scary - life is. And I want you to be brave enough to live through this.

A second secret: you and Kayden are a lot alike. Maybe you should take that as a hint. Wink wink.

Anyways love, I refuse to tell you to move on. That is something that will be done on your own time, I know; however I want to encourage you to find your own happiness. My love for you is eternal now - and hopefully you will always love me - but it is high time you start chasing your own dreams instead of following mine.

In this box you will find a few things I held dear. Things from memories of us, of our love. First is our Build-a-Bear from your cousin's sixth birthday, and second is my sweatshirt. Yes, the one you wore after we made love for the first time. Protected by these two soft items you will find all of our photobooth photos and Polaroids, every mixtape you ever made for me, and the empty cigarette boxes from our long nights abroad.

I am giving these to you because I want you to remember me. After everything I have put you through with this I understand that I have no right to ask anything of you, but will you also promise to never forget me?

Someday someone will love you in the ways I lacked the ability to. Until then, remember that I love you.

Find happiness,
Adam



As the looping letters of his signature crossed my vision, memories seemed to rush toward me. Our first date, our first kiss, getting lost on our road trip to New Orleans nearly three years ago. Shaking hands lowered the letter to my lap and hot tears escaped as my will to hold it together crumbled as steadily as my heart.

"I'm sorry, Audrey."

Shrieks echoed through the parking lot as I watched the light bleed out of Adam's eyes. My calls for help weren't being answered - and why not, when this was a hospital parking lot? "You're not going to die, not tonight, Adam." My fingers cradled his face, trying to stop the bleeding on the left side. "Stay with me, baby, please."

"I love...you..." he whispered, sputtering through a cough. He had a grip on my hand that loosened by the second. There was a classic smirk sneaking up his face while he took his last breath.

My tears were fat and ugly. "Breathe. Dammit, Adam. Breathe." Footsteps were flying to us, voices calling out. But I couldn't hear them over the heartbreak that was quickly consuming me. Not only was Adam a registered donor, but he also had a DNR. They would not revive him, and he had known as much. Counted on it.

There was a knock at the door and my hands immediately went up to wipe at the salted water that now covered my face. "Audrey? Food's re--oh." In a few small strides the bed sunk next to me, a Kleenex was placed in my hands, and a warm arm pulled me into an even warmer body. Within seconds Kayden's shirt was covered in snot and tears, remnants of my sobbing. His hands rubbed my back, trying to soothe me along with the words "Everything will be okay," repeated over and over.

"When?" a shattered cry. "When?" a whisper. There was no answer, and I hadn't expected one. The loss of Adam was great and something that each of us shared, even if we experienced it in different ways. "I'm sorry you lost your brother, Kayden. More than you could know."

He shuddered then, placing his head next to mine. "I'm sorry he lost you."