Getting Surreal

Becks was confused, a week later, when her phone rang. She heard it go off and searched around the messy pile of clothes that were stacked around the couch while she did her laundry, figuring it was probably somebody from the bar asking if she could take a shift. When she looked at the caller id, though, she was pleasantly surprised to see Gerard’s name there.

“Well, hello, Gee,” she said brightly, holding the phone between shoulder and her ear so she could continue folding clothes.
“Shouldn’t you be recording the greatest album ever or something?”

“Becks?” He replied, his voice sounding quiet and rough, almost like….

Becks’ brow furrowed and she sat up straight, dropping the shirt in her hand. “Gerard…. Are you okay? Are you… are you crying?” She whispered the last bit, not exactly sure why, but perhaps out of fear of the answer.

“It’s just, uh…” He cleared his throat and sniffed before responding. “I’m not – “ he sighed. “It’s Mikey.”
Becks’ blood ran cold and she froze.

“Mikey?” Her voice had never sounded more tight or strained than it did when she uttered her boyfriend’s name - almost like it took everything she had to just get it out. “He-he’s not…?” She clenched her eyes shut, feeling all sorts of horrible emotions and scenarios wash over her.

“No. He’s still alive, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Becks felt relief beyond anything she’d felt in her life, but she was still terribly on edge. If Mikey was still alive, why was Gerard calling her and sounding so scared and sad?

“Is he…. Is it the depression? He was trying to tell me about….” She realized that she couldn’t really find a way to explain what Mikey had been trying to convey to her, she just knew he wasn’t doing well there, so she just kind of petered out.

Gerard let out a small, mirthless chuckle that brought her attention back to him.

“I guess you could call it depression,” he said, “But I’ve never seen or experienced anything like this.” There was a brief pause while Becks waited for him to continue, biting at her fingernails while her eyes danced around the messy room but never quite seeing anything.

“I – we…We’ve both dealt with depression. Always. I’ve just never seen him like this. Ever.”

And suddenly, Becks couldn’t bear to sit still anymore, too overcome by nervous energy. She stood and started pacing between the living room and the kitchen as Gerard went on.

“I’m sorry to call you and I’m just… I mean….”

“Don’t you dare fucking apologize for calling me, Gee. Not about this.” She may have said it low and quiet, but there was no mistaking the force in her voice and the honesty in her words. Hell, she would have been taken aback by herself if she wasn’t so focused on making the room stop spinning and her heart calm down a little.

Gerard gave a small sigh. “No, you’re right,” he said. “I guess I just, um…. What – did Mikey tell you anything? When you guys talked the other night?”

Becks pinched the bridge of her nose, thinking back.

“Uh, just that…. I dunno, Gee. He sounded terrified, I guess. He said… he said he felt like he was going crazy or something.” She heard Gerard sigh again.

“Yeah,” he said, “that’s what I kinda figured.”

Becks took another lap of the living room, angling around by the tv and headed back towards the kitchen as she listened to him.

“Anything else?”

“Um…not really? He just really didn’t like where you guys are.”

“Yeah,” Gerard replied, “he’s not the only one. This place…. It’s not right. But what it’s done to Mikey….”

“Can you – can you take him away?” Becks was whispering now, suddenly stopping her anxious movements and standing still in the kitchen. “Yeah, just…. If he needs to, or….” She was nodding with her own words, feeling, surely, like removing Mikey from the situation could fix everything. But when Gerard spoke again, after a hefty silence, it brought her would-be hopes and dreams of an easy fix crashing down around her.

“Becks,” He called, the chilling, somber, and heartbroken tone to his voice had her clutching her phone so hard her knuckles started to turn white, “He’s not good. He’s…really not good.”

“Wh-Gerard, what do you mean?” She asked, not even caring that Gerard could hear her voice waver. He’d already stated before that he was bad, but… the way he said it had Becks feeling like she was missing something. God, she was so scared. “How bad?”

“He’s….” There was a pause and Becks knew Gerard was trying his hardest to find the right words. “We have him seeing some doctors, and there’s talk about putting him in a hospital. A fucking hospital, Becks. They want to fucking institutionalize my baby brother.”

She could hear Gerard quietly crying on the other end of the line, but was barely aware of it as she leaned back against the countertop in the kitchen, all of the excess energy she had suddenly draining from her and feeling cold and empty and shell shocked and almost like she was a million miles away from her body, her mind racing.

This isn’t what was supposed to happen when the guys left to record. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. They were supposed to leave, be happy, and write the most kickass rock album of all time, not…fall apart at the seams, every one of them, and talk of Mikey being hospitalized.

Mikey. Her Mikey.

Her rock, steady and true, always there for her. Always ready to hold her and make her laugh. Always willing to give up his desires to see a smile on her face.

In an instant, the gravity of everything hit her and it felt like her reality was shattered. Barely fighting off the onslaught of tears, she sniffed and steadied herself best she could.

“Gerard?” She finally managed to whisper.

“Yeah?” He whispered back, attempting to compose himself.
“I’m coming there.”

---

She’d never been more sure of anything in her life than she was when she told Gerard those three words. It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t a thought spoken out loud. It was fact. It was reality. It was the only thing that made sense in the sudden nightmare her life had become.

She didn’t know if the guys wanted her there, and she didn’t know if Mikey would even talk to her or not or where he’d even fucking be when she got there, but she just knew she had to be there with him and for him.

She just knew.

And so did Gerard, by the way he helped her get all the details on where she needed to go once she arrived immediately after she uttered the words.

She looked up at the clock on the wall of the airport gate she was sat at. 1:43, it read.

‘Okay,’ she thought, taking a sip of the very large coffee she’d purchased at the only shop left open at the airport at this ungodly hour of the morning.

It was roughly six hours after she’d gotten the call from Gerard. Seven hours, and she had called the airport to book the only flight left that would take her out to LA (God bless the redeye), called work to tell them that she was having a family emergency and was leaving town (God bless Scarlett for telling her that she would take care of everything and that she’d still have a job when she came back), threw a few changes of clothes in a carryon bag, and took a taxi to the airport.

Becks was exhausted. She couldn’t remember ever feeling more emotionally drained before. Even after any panic attack she’d had, which always left her so tired, she had never felt like this. Her anxiety was definitely kicked in, but, fortunately, she was managing to keep it at bay and remain functional. Mikey was just too important for her to get distracted by nerves.

As tired as she was emotionally, her body was so pent up with anxious energy (and the coffee probably wasn’t helping anything), that she was bouncing both legs up and down ceaselessly and constantly looking around the mostly empty airport gate.
She was just about to look up at the clock again when a voice came across the loudspeaker, announcing the boarding for her flight.

Letting out a sigh (of relief or stress, she wasn’t quite sure), Becks glanced down at her ticket in an almost double check that it was the right ticket, heaved up her bag, and started walking towards the gate.

---

It was just shy of seven hours later when her plane touched down in Los Angeles.

Becks stumbled her way out of the airport both looking and feeling lost, but also operating on a new level of autopilot that she’d never experienced before. She didn’t sleep at all on the plane, too worried about Mikey to even think about closing her eyes. And still, she was moving smoothly with a determination she had never known.

Looking around the busy front of the airport, she found herself already squinting even though the sun was only just rising here. Finally spying the taxi service place, she made her way quickly to it and slid in the backseat of the car closest her.

“Where to, ma’am?” The driver asked politely, looking back to give Becks a small smile.

“Um,” she looked down at the crumpled piece of paper in her hand even though she’d looked at it so many times on the plane ride that she would ever need to look up the address again, “1923 Micheltorena Street, please. Paramour Mansion.”

“Looking for ghosts?” The cabbie asked lightly, trying to get her to crack a smile and putting the car into drive.

“Hopefully not,” she whispered, looking out the window as she watched the airport slide by. “Hopefully not.” She repeated to herself, leaning her throbbing head against the cool glass.

---

“Miss? Ma’am? We’re here.”

Becks opened her eyes, completely disbelieving that she’d fallen asleep.

“Here?” She asked blearily, looking from him to the window and gazing up at the beautiful building in front of her, wondering how this house could be causing her friends such terrible problems.

“Yes ma’am. You were dead to the world back there.” He gave her another warm smile. “The redeye tends to do that to people.”

Becks looked at him and mustered all she could to crack a grin at her cabbie. He was really nice, and she appreciated his efforts to lift her spirits.

“Thank you,” she said, gratefully. “How much do I owe you?”

---

Becks stood, staring at the mansion, vaguely hearing the cab drive away behind her. She was gathering herself, she knew that much. She had no idea what to think, what to expect. She just had a gut feeling that a lot of her world was going to change when she opened the doors and walked inside.

“Becks?” A voice asked loudly, incredulous, and she looked down, realizing that Ray had stuck his head out the front door, and she’d been too busy gazing up at the building itself to notice his presence.

“Ray?” She asked, feeling a genuine smile spread across her face. God, it was good to see him.

“Fuck,” he said, striding out of the doorway and engulfing her in one of the best hugs she’d ever received in her life. Becks just laid her head in his shoulder, not caring about the way his hair tickled her face, and let out a tiny chuckle of relief.

Just to even see one of the guys was enough to warm her heart that had seemed to freeze completely through overnight, and here she was in a loving and caring embrace from one of them, and she felt the slightest bit of dread slipping away from her.

Ray let out a long and loud sigh as he swayed the two of them back and forth before leaning back and putting his hands on her shoulders so he could take a good look at her. “It’s so good to see you,” he said, that big, silly smile of his plastered on his face. “Gerard said you were coming, but it’s so good to actually have you here.”

Becks just smiled up at him, so happy to see him, but definitely not missing the tired and drawn look to his face.

Next thing she knew, she was being pulled away from Ray’s grasp, and wrapped up in someone else’s arms.

“It’s about fuckin’ time,” they said happily in her ear.

“Good to see you too, Bob,” Becks laughed in response, giving him a few hearty pats on the back.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.” Another voice called out and Becks froze. Removing herself from Bob, she turned to see Frank standing in the doorway, staring at her, and indiscernible look on his face. They stared at each other for a moment, not quite sizing each other up, but more like kind of taking each other in.

“Frank,” Becks whispered, and it was like that broke the barrier and then Frank was running at her, practically jumping on her and she didn’t care at all as she almost fell over onto the driveway and she flung her arms around her best friend in the whole wide world.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he muttered into her ear, and she just nodded enthusiastically, her face completely buried in the crook of his neck and shoulder, because there were no better words she could possibly say.

“I know,” her voice muffled terribly by his shirt. “Me too.” She was too happy to be there and reunited with him to even care about how lame what she was saying was.

“Shit,” Frank said after a minute, pulling away and rubbing at his face. “You’re gonna make me fucking cry.”

Becks just smiled wider and sniffled a little, feeling the same as him, and realizing, in that moment, that she had never had a better friend than Frank in her entire life, and feeling, not for the first or even the hundredth time, so grateful to the powers that be for him offering her the job as his guitar tech the year prior.

“You look like shit, you know,” he said, bringing her back into the moment.

She took a good, hard look at him, taking in the very recognizable shit-eating grin, the familiar, slouchy posture, and the way his clothes just looked terribly rumpled, like he hadn’t bothered to change out of the shirt he’d slept in. She also took in the new crease in his brow that she’d never seen before and the bags under his eyes, making him look as tired as she felt.

“So do you, dickhead,” she retorted warmly, reaching out to ruffle his hair, earning both of his middle fingers flying in her face.

“So, you have a good flight?” Ray asked, and Becks looked over at him, feeling another smile warming on her face because, God, it was so good to see these guys again.

“Yeah, it was…as good as the overnight can be, I guess.” She said, shrugging her shoulders. She said it lightheartedly, but there was still the underlying tension of why she was even there in the first place bubbling back to the surface.

There were some murmurs of agreement from the guys, but the merry mood seemed to have dropped, all of them coming back down to reality.

“Um,” Frank cleared his throat and said after a moment’s awkward silence. “Gee was just taking a shower when you showed, but he should be out by now. You’ll, uh… you’ll wanna talk to him.”

Becks looked at him, then at the other two, both of whom had fallen quiet and were staring at their feet. Their behavior and the quite obvious lack of Mikey in his statement seemed to suck all of the happiness and warmth she felt from being reunited with her friends right out of her, leaving her feeling weak and shaky again with a pool of dread eating at her stomach.

Looking back at Frank, she nodded slowly, moving to follow him into the building and being so wrapped up again in why she was there in the first place, she barely noticed Bob offering to take her bag and grabbing it from off her shoulder as she went.

When they were inside, Frank seemed very jittery, seeming to want to look everywhere but at her as they walked and chewing hard at his lip ring. After what felt like ages, he finally drew in a shaky breath and spoke.

“It’s just been so hard, you know?” His words were so quiet, Becks didn’t think she would have heard him if the building wasn’t so weirdly silent. She looked at him and could see, now that they were inside and alone and the moment of joyful reunion gone, just how rough and….unFrank he looked.

He was more pale than she’d ever seen him (and she met him in winter) and he was skinny like he hadn’t been eating right for weeks. He just had that sort of drawn look of somebody that had been going through a lot of shit for a long time, and she felt her heart breaking all over again.

How could she have been back home, as happy and comfortable as she could be (without the guys by her side), with a job and new band, while the guys were all here, wasting away from God knows what?

“I never….” His voice drew her out of her reverie and she realized that they’d stopped walking. He finally looked up and caught gazes with her, and she saw nothing but fear and stress and the barest hint of tears in his once playful hazel eyes and she felt her breath hitch for a moment. “I never thought it would be like this, Becks. This fucking place can go to hell when we’re done here.” His eyes left her as he spoke, taking a good, glaring look at the building he was damning.

“Everyone is…” he paused and stared hard at his feet before looking up at her again. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

Becks watched him closely, unsure of what to do. She felt frozen, and she could definitely feel something wrong with the place, whether it was just all the stress finally getting to her or there was really something there. Nothing she could put her finger on, but just a not right sort of feeling that was creeping in around the edges. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to spend any sort of time here.

She was about to finally make a move to give her friend another hug, when he made a jerky action and rubbed a hand through his hair, a gesture she knew to mean that he was extremely uncomfortable, and set off again down the hall. Becks just followed quietly, unable to think of anything she could possibly say.

They finally reached what must have been Gerard’s room, because Frank stopped at a door and sighed a kind of steadying, readying sigh, and knocked lightly on the door twice.

“Come in,” they heard Gerard yell. Frank met Becks’ eyes for a moment and pursed his lips before opening the door and leading the way in.

The room was spacious, for sure, Becks thought as she looked around. Decorated in a cool and creepy sort of way. It also had definite signs of a Way brother living there, the bed torn apart and art supplies scattered all over the floor. Becks felt a ghost of a smile pulling at her lips at the familiarity before she heard Gerard’s voice again.

“I’ll be out in a second,” he called from what she assumed was the en-suite bathroom.

“I’ll, uh…” Frank said quietly, “I’ll leave you here, okay?” He gave her a long look and then pulled her in for another hug. “I’m so glad to have you here.” He whispered, giving her a final squeeze before heading out the door. She watched him leave, feeling a deep sense of fear creeping in on her as he went.

She shook her head to try and ignore her unease and sat down in the chair across from the bed, and resting her elbows on her knees and burying her face in her hands. She was doing all she could to will away the anxiety that was gnawing at her.

Fortunately, she was only sat there for a minute or two before she heard a door creak and looked up to see Gerard standing there, hair wet and looking every bit ill and not right as she felt. But it was Gee, and even though she could see the tension lining every inch in his body, he still felt like home to her, and without even realizing she’d moved, Becks found herself up and walking towards him, embracing him in a deep hug.

He didn’t say anything, he just tucked his face into the crook of the neck and held onto her tight for a long minute. Finally, he sighed and pulled away from her and rubbing a hand down his face.

“It’s so good to see you, Becks,” he said, looking at her with tired eyes.

She couldn’t find her voice, and even if she could, she didn’t know what to say, so she just nodded slowly, hoping he understood what she meant. And with the way he just stood there looking at her, completely open and baring all in his face, movements, and posture, she knew that he did.

“Um, did you wanna sit?” He asked shaking his head a little as if to tell himself off for forgetting his manners for a moment and gesturing towards the bed. Becks wasn’t sure if she wanted to sit or not, but she took his offer quietly and walked across the room to the bed, perching on the edge of the mattress, Gerard mimicking her movements and sitting next to her.

They sat in a very heavy silence for a little bit before he spoke and answered the only question she had plaguing her mind.

“He left,” he said simply, staring down at the ornate carpet. Becks just watched him closely. “Yeah,” Gerard cleared his throat for a second then met her gaze. “He, uh…. It was after I called you, last night. He just couldn’t take it here anymore, I guess. He, um….” He may have been speaking clearly and composedly, but his voice was heavy with emotion, its tone dropped lower than normal, betraying any sense of calm he was outwardly portraying. “He left the band. Said he couldn’t take it anymore.” Gerard shrugged and looked back down at the carpet and they once again fell into silence.

“Where’d he go, Gerard?” As calm and collected as Gerard may have sounded, Becks was completely the opposite. She didn’t think it were possible for somebody’s voice to waver while they whispered until just then, but she was so dangerously close to tears – tears of fear for Mikey and tears of heartbreak for the band for what they’d been going through and tears for Gerard, potentially the only person in the world who understood what she was going through and just how deeply it hurt, and how she could never tell him how strong she thought he was for staying tough and staying clean through it all - and she just didn’t have any energy left to expend on keeping up pretenses of having her shit together.

Gerard rubbed his hands together and looked at her again. “Our lawyer, Stacy, lives down in LA,” he said thickly. “He went there. I called her when he said he was leaving and she took him in for the time being.”

Becks breathed a tiny sigh of relief and closed her eyes, nodding.
“She’s a good friend, Stacy.” Gerard murmured. Becks just nodded again, opening her eyes and staring at her lap. “I’ll, uh…. I’ll take you there.”

And with that he stood and offered her a hand, leading her back to the front of the building.

---

Once they were back at the front of the mansion, Gerard picked up the phone at the front desk and called for a cab. It arrived shortly thereafter, and the two climbed inside, Gerard giving the cabbie directions.

Once the cab took off, they rode in silence, the air thick with all the things they were both too scared and tired to say, and the exhaustion of the whole situation seeming to just press on the two of them, heavy and harsh.

After about a half hour, they pulled up to an apartment complex with an okay view of the city off in the background. Gerard paid for the cab and they both stood at the door, looking for which call button to press. When they finally found it, Gerard hit it and Becks stepped back a little, looking around the street.

“Hello?” She heard a female voice ask out through the speaker box.

“Hey Stace, it’s me. I’ve brought a friend. Can we – is Mikey there?” Gerard asked, glancing over at Becks.

“Yeah, come on in, Gee,” the voice responded and then there was a click at the door.

“C’mon, Becks,” He said, opening the door for her and ushering her inside.

They walked up four flights of stairs before coming to Stacy’s apartment. Gerard knocked and waited for a call to enter, before opening the door and leading Becks into a very nice looking living space.

“Shoulda been a lawyer,” Becks muttered under her breath as she looked around, earning the first smile she’d seen on Gerard’s face since she’d gotten there.

“You’d be a shit lawyer.” He said honestly. He wasn’t wrong, and Becks shot him the barest of smiles in return.

“Hey, Gee,” the voice from earlier said, walking up to the singer and giving him a hug.

“Hey, Stace. Thanks again, for everything. This is Becks.” He gestured towards her and Stacy walked over to shake her hand.
“I’ve heard a lot about you, Becks,” she said warmly.

Becks didn’t have much energy to muster for pleasantries, so she just settled with saying, “nice to meet you” before looking at Gerard to take the lead.

“Um, you said Mikey’s here?” He asked his friend, scratching nervously at the back of his neck.

“Yeah,” Stacy said, and Becks could hear it in her voice, the tinge of sadness that was starting to feel like pity. “He’s in the bedroom down the hall.” She gestured around the corner. “He’s not coming out for much…did you both want to see him, or…I made coffee?” She was looking between Becks and Gerard, questioning.

Becks met Gerard’s eyes and he nodded, understanding her thoughts and desires immediately and turning to Stacy. “I’d love a cup of coffee,” he said, following her to the small kitchenette as Becks took her leave down the hall alone.

The apartment wasn’t big by many means, but the walk to Mikey’s room felt like it took eternity. Becks felt like her legs were made of lead and she was so sure everybody around the block could hear her heart thumping painfully in her chest. She just didn’t know what to expect.

Finally, she made it to the door and by force of will, gave a small knock. When there was no reply, she reached down and slowly, slowly opened the door into a small, dark room.

“Mikey?” She asked out quietly, almost as if she were afraid to disturb the stillness.

She heard a small, sharp intake of breath, almost like a sniffle or a gasp, and then,

“Becks?”

She almost lost it right then and there, because it was Mikey – it was her Mikey – there, in person, sitting on the bed, looking up at her in shock and confusion, calling out her name.

“Becks?” He asked again, sounding completely incredulous and almost like he was disbelieving his eyes and she was the last sight he expected to see.

“Mikey,” Becks breathed, staring at him and completely unable to move.

He seemed to take her speaking his name as a sign that maybe, just maybe, she was real and she was there, and he got up off the bed, tentatively, and walked up to her, slow and careful, almost like he was afraid that if he made any sudden movements, she’d disappear.

“Are you?” Five steps away. “You’re here?” Two steps and Becks nodded, feeling tears start to slide down her cheeks. “You’re really here.” He said, closing the gap and cupping her face with his hands, tilting her chin back so he could look her full in the face.

Becks nodded again, her face in his hands, not bothering for a second to hide her tears because he was here, she was with him and she knew, she just knew, that it was going to be okay as he stared down at her with those big, beautiful eyes, slowly processing that this was real life and not just another dream he was having in his sleep.

And finally, when it all clicked and he truly believed that she was there, Mikey dropped her face and pulled her into the strongest hug he could muster, pulling her closer, closer, like if he loosened his grip at all, she’d fade away.

“You came,” he choked out into her shoulder. Becks just nodded fervently, both hands gripping the back of his hoodie tight.

“I’m here, Mikey. I’m here.”

He let out a sob and they just held each other. Becks wasn’t even sure how long, hours or minutes, before Mikey slowly relaxed and pulled away only just slightly, to give him enough room to look her dead in the eye and then attack her lips with his own in what was more than likely the best kiss Becks had received in her life.

When Mikey pulled away again, he leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, still holding onto her tight.

“I missed you so much,” he whispered, his breath fluttering across her face.

“I missed you, too.” She replied. She hesitated a second, then asked, “do you want to talk?”

It felt brash, but with everything that was going on…she just needed to get to the bottom of it.

Mikey sighed and gave her one last squeeze before letting go of her completely and walking back over to the bed, sitting back down and putting his head in his hands.

Becks felt cold the second he left her, but she kept her distance, allowing him some space as she waited for him to speak. When he didn’t, though, she shifted her weight between her feet and looked down at the carpet.

“Gerard said you left the band.” Her voice was quiet, but there was no need for any extra volume. Still, no answer, so she prodded a little. “Mikey?”

“Yeah, I left the band, okay?”

Becks reared her head back at the harshness of his voice. Clearly, he’d backed into defensive mode.

“M-Mikey, I – “ But he cut her off.

“It’s just…. I had to, okay? I fucking had to. It’s like I either was gonna leave the band, or I was gonna leave the fucking planet Earth, okay? I had to do it.”

He was pleading. He was showing all the signs of a human being being completely broken down and feeling all alone in the world and pleading for somebody to understand and it tore Becks apart.

“Mikey,” she whispered his name again, but he scoffed and looked away from her. “Baby.” She took a hesitant step forward, afraid her legs might give out if she moved to quickly. “It’s okay, okay?” He didn’t reply, so she just kept moving until she was standing right in front of him. “I’m not judging you – “

“The fuck you aren’t,” he snapped, causing Becks’ breath to hitch. “Everybody does. Everybody judges.” Becks shook her head and whispered a silent ‘no,’ but Mikey kept on, seeming to be on a roll like the floodgates had opened. “What the fuck good am I, huh? I’m just the stupid messed up fucking little brother who’s on a fucking cocktail of meds and they want to put me away. Did you hear about that, Becks? Did you? They want me in a fucking hospital. On more meds. I did…” he took a moment, taking a breath and calming down a little, dropping his gaze to the floor and his shoulders hunching, like his outburst had zapped all the energy from him.

“I did what I had to do.”

He sounded so broken that Becks had to bite back a sob. She hated seeing him like this more than she’d ever hated anything her whole life.

She waited, just waited to see if there was anything else he needed to say before she took in a deep, steadying breath.

“Mikey?” She asked.

“What.”

“Baby. Look at me.” She reached down and grabbed his face, tilting it up so he could see her. See every word and ounce of truth in what she was about to say. “I’m not judging you.” Mikey let out the smallest scoff but she ignored him, figuring calling him out would be pointless. “You know why I’m not judging you? Because I’m fucking proud of you, Mikey Way.”

This time, his scoff was huge and he removed his face from her grasp, almost shoving her away as he did so. “And why the hell is that? Don’t fucking patronize me, Becks.” It was a threat and she knew it. A threat to what, she wasn’t sure, but she wasn’t going to take the bait.

“I’m proud of you, Mikey,” she said, remaining incredibly outwardly calm and collected even though her voice was wavering, “because you left.”

This one threw him for a loop. He had no defensive remark for that and he just stared hard at her, taunting her to keep going.

“I’m proud of you because you did what you had to do.” He flinched, hearing her throw his own words at her. “Do you know why?”

Slowly, he shook his head, keeping his expression stony, but never once dropping her gaze.

“Because,” She took a final step, closing what little space there was between them and reaching out towards him with one hand, but not quite touching, and then took a deep breath, about to admit something that terrified her to the core and trying her best to keep her voice level.

“It means you’re still alive.”

She swallowed thickly, shaking where she stood and trying to will down the flood of emotions while Mikey just stared at her. She could see that her words had gotten to him. She could see them hitting him harder and harder the more time he took to process it.

They both knew, even if he had never outright said it and even if she’d been living in denial, they both knew how close he’d been to committing suicide in the manor, and if leaving the band was what he had to do to stay alive, then damnit, Becks would support him until the end.

They stayed like that for a long while, Mikey sat, breathing hard on the edge of the bed and Becks stood shaking in front of him, both trying to keep themselves together, both bursting from the seams, as they stared hard at each other in a way they’d never before.

Finally, Mikey spoke.

“Why did you come all the way out here?”

It was Becks’ turn to be rattled by words.

“I-I,” she faltered, furrowing her brow. “What?”

Mikey heaved a sigh and turned a little from her, trying to hide his face.

“You didn’t have to come. You have a life back in Jersey and you just, what, put it on hold because your boyfriend can’t keep his shit together?”

She knew what he was doing. They were on the verge of some deep and scary shit, and it was a last-ditch effort to try and push her away, she could feel that, but knowing that didn’t stop the sting those words had. She closed her eyes and took a slow and measured breath, ignoring the tears that slipped down her cheeks.

“Are you really so stupid, or is it just a guy thing?” She asked, her voice low. Mikey turned slightly, only slightly back towards her, but she noticed. “Mikey, I don’t give a shit about Jersey. I don’t care about my job and, hell, the band really isn’t top priority in my life. Do you get it?”

He turned infinitesimally more towards her but still said nothing.

“You, Mikey. You are my life. I would pick up and move away and drop everything for you if you needed me. Fuck,” she let out a cynical laugh, “I just did.”

Mikey opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.

“Mikey, you are literally the most important thing to me in the entire world, okay? I don’t even know how it happened, but I love you. You’re mine, Mikeyway, and I don’t know how I got so lucky. You take care of me. You hold me when I need it. You let me eat all your food when I come over. You let me watch my shitty movies that I know you hate. You,” she paused her small rant, hesitating for a second before dropping her voice a little, “you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“But…” he finally spoke, though so quietly that Becks almost had to hold her breath to hear him, “I’m so messed up.” He buried his head in his hands again, almost like he was ashamed. But Becks wouldn’t have it.

“I don’t give a shit,” she said simply. “Do you remember all the times, all the fucking times I apologized to you for my panic attacks and you told me that it’s nothing to be ashamed of? Do you? Because I sure do. Mikey. Why is this any different than that?”

She dropped down to her knees so they were level and reached out, grabbing his hands and prying them away from his face but his eyes were closed.

“Baby, look at me.” He slowly opened his eyes, and when their gazes caught, it was like a fire was igniting in the depths of Becks’ soul, chasing away the chill of fear in her and she gave his hands a little squeeze. “I don’t care what’s wrong with you,” she whispered.

“But – “

“No,” she interrupted before he could begin. “Hey. Do you care that I have anxiety?” He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t care that you’re messed up or need medicine, okay? I don’t care. All I want,” she dropped his hand so she could reach up and cup his face, leaning in a little. “All I want is for you to be okay and happy. Whatever it takes.”

Mikey looked at her, taking her in. Her thumb was stroking soothing lines on his cheek and it felt so good to be in the same room as her for the first time in way too long. He loved her more than he thought it was possible to love somebody and as he stared at her, he couldn’t understand what he’d done to deserve her in his life. He was so scared and he’d tried pushing her away and yet, here she was, holding onto him and looking at him with tears in those beautiful, bright eyes and he just didn’t know what else to do or say, so he just leaned in and gave her a small, soft kiss.

It was light and it was chaste, but it told her that he understood and believed everything she was saying. The second his lips touched hers, Becks felt like she was truly alive for the first time in her life, a feeling that spread like lightning from her lips to her toes, and when Mikey pulled away, he looked at her with nothing held back.

She could see his fear, his love, his sadness, his joy. She could see fucking everything, and she just knew it was going to be okay.

“So,” he whispered after a long while. “What now?”

“Now, Mikeyway,” she huffed out a tiny laugh through her nose and stroked the tops of his cheekbones where tears had fallen, “I’m gonna stick by you like you stuck by me. Always.”

fin.