Make You Feel My Love

Nearly four weeks passed. January was a month full of home games and Paul remembered when the schedule had come out how excited he was to have a month where he was only gone for three games. He remembered thinking about all the time he’d get to spend with Tessa and Ava and then he was forced to remember his reality. His wife could barely look at him. Not that he blamed her; he could barely look at himself.

Tessa thankfully had not left San Jose. She stayed but made him stay at the hotel for a week before she let him come home. She wouldn't let him sleep in their bedroom, instead having him take one of the guest rooms as his own and the two moved like roommates in their home. They mostly only talked about things that had to do with Ava and the few times that Paul had gotten her to talk about anything else, she caught herself moments into it and cut the conversation off.

Paul wasn’t exactly sure what he was supposed to do to win Tessa back but he figured he had a chance when she let him back into their house. She might barely acknowledge his existence but it was something, a glimmer of hope that he clung to. With each passing day though, he found his hope fading.

He left practice on a Tuesday, a game later that night, and started for home. Tessa had not been at any of the eight home games since the fight and he didn't know if she would be there that night either. He didn't expect that she would go but he resolved that he would ask her, because it was the last one for the month before a four game road trip the next week would take him away for almost ten days.

He parked in the driveway and let himself in the house, leaving his keys on the table near the door. He walked through the living room to the kitchen but didn't see Tessa anywhere. He headed up the stairs and checked their bedroom, finding it empty also. He peered into Ava's room where she slept quietly. He went back downstairs and towards the back door. Looking out, he spotted her curled up in a lounge chair on the phone.

He left her be and set about making lunch for them instead. He could see her through the kitchen window as he cleaned vegetables at the sink and he smiled wistfully to himself. Tessa was without a doubt the best person he could ever ask to have in his life. And he had screwed it all up. All he had to do was talk to her, and instead he went and lied about talking to his ex girlfriend.

He shook his head at his own thoughts. He was an idiot. How could he have ever let himself do the things he had done to her? He turned off the water at the sink and sat down at the kitchen table as his thoughts consumed him. Seeing Katie had been a shock, a blast from the past, and at first, it had just simply been reconnecting and catching up with an old friend.

He had let it become more than that though and he was not proud of what had occurred. He had purposely omitted Tessa and Ava from his life, when they should have been the first thing he talked about. He had no idea what he had been thinking buying her a Christmas present, a gift that his wife would've loved for herself.

As he sat there, his new reality started to become more clear. There was no coming back from this. He had given Tessa every reason not to trust him, every reason to hate him, and he couldn't just fix it with an I'm sorry. When his tears began to fall, he did nothing to stop them.

"Paul?" Tessa said softly, standing in the doorway as she came in from outside, setting the baby monitor on the counter by the door.

He looked up at her and he felt his heart break. Her eyes were rimmed in red and her arms were wrapped around herself. That was his fault; he had caused her that pain. And he hated himself more than she could ever hate him for having done it.

"Tessie," his voice cracked. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. If you still want to move back to Pittsburgh, I won't stop you."

She stepped fully into the room and took the chair across from him. "You want me to leave?"

"No, it's the hardest thing to say, to let you go, but it's the right thing to do. I can't make you forgive me, or trust me, or even love me, but because I do love you, I have to let you do what makes you happy, and if that means being across the country from me, then so be it. I don't want to look at me so it's not like I don't get it. I fucked up. What I did to you is something I will regret for my entire life. I was wrong. I should have told Katie about you. More importantly, I should have told you about her."

"You know if you had just come home and told me, 'oh hey, funny thing, that girl at that flower shop? Yeah, I know her. Used to date her even. It's a small world, eh?' And then we'd laugh about it and you'd have lunch with her one time and that's it. But you hid it. Why?"

"I was lonely. I missed you, and we were fighting, and it was so stupid, but I let myself get caught up in feeling like someone maybe wanted me."

"There's never been a time since we became us that I've not wanted you, Paul. Even when us included James, it's always been you. I knew a long time ago that you were my one." She smiled softly. "Always."

"Tessie..."

"I know you're sorry, Paul. You don't have to say it."

He sighed, rubbing his face. "Is this it for us?"

Tessa sat back in contemplation. Her head said yes but her heart, her heart screamed no. She knew Paul loved her, she believed that with every ounce of her being. She believed that he was sorry, remorseful, and that he would never do anything like it again. And not that long ago, before she and James learned boundaries with their friendship, Paul had never said a word about all the times she had been inappropriate with James.

She had given that a lot of thought over the last few weeks, how emotionally tied to James she had been for so long after their relationship ended and how Paul had still stuck by her while she and James sorted out how to be just friends and nothing else. She knew that while the circumstances were different and maybe it wasn't the best comparison, it was her choice to make.

From under her sweater she pulled out the locket he had given her. "No, Paul, this isn't it." She reached across the table for his hands and wrapped her fingers around his. "I'm not leaving. I can't leave, not when I want to fight for us."

"Really?"

"Really."

He stood, coming around the table to kneel beside her. "Whatever it takes, Tessie."

"I just need you, Paul. All of you. And some honesty, no matter what."

"I can give you that."

She touched his cheek and he leaned into her touch. "I know. That's why I'm still here."

"I don't deserve you, not after this."

"I didn’t deserve you after I spent those five days in Nashville with James last season, but you didn’t even blink an eye when I told you everything. It was definitely a rough end to our first year of marriage, but it's the past. If it's not, then it will consume us and be the only thing we're about. I don't want that to be our defining moment."

"Me either."

"Why do you love me?"

He stood and pulled her to her feet, embracing her around the middle. "I love you Tessa because you are a part of me. Because you know me and understand me, because you put up with every aspect of my life as a hockey player, because you're there for me, because you love me, because I'm nothing without you. Most importantly though, because you're my wife, my partner, my best friend. And that is for always."

"I love you too, Paul," she whispered, hugging him tightly. “Because in spite of starting this with you and your best friend, we came together and found something so incredible, because you get me like no one else ever has, because you gave me you, and because I gave you me; you’re my husband, my partner, and my best friend. Always.”

He pulled her into his chest and held her tightly for several long, silent moments. "So now what happens?" He asked as they stood facing each other.

"You can move back into our room for starters. I don't like waking up without you."

"I'm not a big fan of that either."

"Speaking of, you need to go lie down. You're eating into your nap time."

"I didn't finish making lunch."

"Leave it. I'll figure out something with it later."

"I was trying to do something for you though."

"You can make lunch tomorrow then."

"How long have you been wearing that?" He asked, touching her necklace.

"Since the night you gave it to me,” she admitted with a soft smile.

"I never saw it."

"I didn't want you to. I was trying to be mad but it reminded me of us, which is what I wanted back."

"Me too, Tessie. Can I...can I kiss you?"

She nodded shyly and Paul gathered her back to him. "I will never take you for granted again. I will not give you a reason to doubt me again. If I screw this up again, as god as my witness, I will let James Neal knee me in the head twice."

Tessa laughed and Paul dipped her back, making her squeal with surprise. "I love you," he whispered as he lowered his lips to hers.

"Always, Paulie," she whispered back before losing herself in their kiss.