Sequel: Snowed In ›
Safety Net
b e g i n n i n g s .
It began with the first time I binged and purged and the puzzle pieces of the world seemed to fit in just a little nicer, just a little easier.
There is something absolute about addiction that makes it feel all inclusive. Most people that I’ve known in life - including myself - have never had simply one addiction. That’s like watching your favorite movie over and over again. Eventually you have to switch things up. You watch another movie and you end up loving that one, too. Before you know it you’ve collected these films and they all feel special. Maybe one grows boring, maybe you add another one, and maybe there’s one in the center of it all that remains with you through thick and thin.
Some of my addictions are relatively harmless, able to be pulled off with a joke. When I become obsessed with a new television show, if I love a new type of candy, I use the word as a joke just like anybody else. But there's a whole other side of things. A dark side. An all consuming side. Sure, everybody drinks. But does everybody drink at three in the morning alone with all the lights turned off? Does everybody say yes to drugs when partying with strangers at a club? I'm guilty of being impulsive. I'm guilty of medicating to get rid of pain. I'm guilty of forgetting.
Bulimia is the worst of it. It’s the sun in my little universe. It’s the monster with the strongest jaws, the sharpest claws. It drags me back into my apartment where I stay for days at a time. Burning through money when I order food to be delivered to my door, the shame making it too much to bear to be seen in public. I’m convinced they can see through all that I hide behind. See me. Burning through time that I could be spending living life out in the city like the rest of the population. The people who know how to live life successfully. I’ve been left behind by people who don’t press pause, they troop on. I’ve never blamed them, of course. I’ve spent nights awake wondering why I could never do the same. Perhaps there is some way that I am built. I was built easily tired out, not enough batteries. I slump over and I don’t finish the race. I get side tracked, I lose focus. Why even try if others could do things better, right?
I’ve been trying to do better. Trying to be better. And wondering if there is a difference or connection between the two. It’s so difficult to change the way that I’ve been programmed.
But I’m willing to try.
There is something absolute about addiction that makes it feel all inclusive. Most people that I’ve known in life - including myself - have never had simply one addiction. That’s like watching your favorite movie over and over again. Eventually you have to switch things up. You watch another movie and you end up loving that one, too. Before you know it you’ve collected these films and they all feel special. Maybe one grows boring, maybe you add another one, and maybe there’s one in the center of it all that remains with you through thick and thin.
Some of my addictions are relatively harmless, able to be pulled off with a joke. When I become obsessed with a new television show, if I love a new type of candy, I use the word as a joke just like anybody else. But there's a whole other side of things. A dark side. An all consuming side. Sure, everybody drinks. But does everybody drink at three in the morning alone with all the lights turned off? Does everybody say yes to drugs when partying with strangers at a club? I'm guilty of being impulsive. I'm guilty of medicating to get rid of pain. I'm guilty of forgetting.
Bulimia is the worst of it. It’s the sun in my little universe. It’s the monster with the strongest jaws, the sharpest claws. It drags me back into my apartment where I stay for days at a time. Burning through money when I order food to be delivered to my door, the shame making it too much to bear to be seen in public. I’m convinced they can see through all that I hide behind. See me. Burning through time that I could be spending living life out in the city like the rest of the population. The people who know how to live life successfully. I’ve been left behind by people who don’t press pause, they troop on. I’ve never blamed them, of course. I’ve spent nights awake wondering why I could never do the same. Perhaps there is some way that I am built. I was built easily tired out, not enough batteries. I slump over and I don’t finish the race. I get side tracked, I lose focus. Why even try if others could do things better, right?
I’ve been trying to do better. Trying to be better. And wondering if there is a difference or connection between the two. It’s so difficult to change the way that I’ve been programmed.
But I’m willing to try.