Say Hi for Me

Brian had been stuck in that hospital bed for the last two months, the doctors were doing everything they could to help him get better. His family would visit while I would go home to shower and eat, I was never able to keep food down for very long, I was always worrying about Brian and how he was feeling. The doctors had diagnosed him with stage one lung cancer, they promised that he would be able to beat it if he took the medications and quit smoking. He was trying everything that the doctors handed him, every new drug, hell even home remedies that would help. Except it only caused the cancer to get worse, his cancer progressed to stage three before we could even control it. He couldn't even get out of the bed to walk down the hall to get exercise anymore. Johnny and Zack would come by occasionally to see how Brian was, of course they wouldn't stay very long before they were leaving the room in tears. I wanted to console them while consoling Brian, but I couldn't. Brian needed me more than anything now. And I would do anything to keep him happy.

“Matt, I'm fine, really” Brian's labored breathing broke me out of my trance, I had been holding his arms gently while he tried to attempt to walk.
“I just want to make sure you won't fall” I smiled and kissed his cheek softly, he had lost so much weight in the time he had spent at the hospital. His bones more prominent than before.
“Don't worry, I won't” Brian sat down in the wheelchair when he reached the end of the hall, his heart hammering in his chest.
“Mr. Sanders, Mr. Haner, could I talk to you back in Brian's room?” Brian's favorite nurse was standing by us, a small frown on her lips. This couldn't be good.

I pushed his wheelchair back down to his hospital room and walked inside slowly, his family stood around his bed, their eyes locked onto us as we walked inside.

“What's going on?” I stopped next to his bed and helped him back inside, his dad sighed and walked over to us.
“The hospital isn't allowing you to stay any longer, they want you to leave immediately” My heart leapt up into my throat, they weren't letting me stay with him?
“What, why?” I could feel my hands shaking, I couldn't leave Brian, he needed me!
“Someone told security that you weren't married, and I guess they didn't appreciate being lied too” Brian Sr. frowned and patted my arm, they'd have to drag me out of the hospital before I left willingly.
“I'm not leaving, I've been here since he got admitted” I was here more often than his own family was, how could they do this to me?
“Matt, they said you can visit during the visiting hours, but you aren't allowed to stay permanently” Suzy was holding my gym bag in her hands, what if he got worse while I was gone?
“I'll be back in the morning, even if they don't want me here” I took my bag from her hands and looked over at Brian.

He was fast asleep, his chest wavering as he struggled to take in deep breaths. I leaned down and kissed his cheek softly. I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing he was in the hospital without me by his side, his parents would just have to keep me updated while I was at home. I'd force my way inside if he got worse, I wouldn't let Brian go through this alone.

My mother greeted me right when I walked through the door, I had moved back in with my parents when my ex Val and I broke up, there were too many memories in the house we shared. I had planned to ask Brian to move in together after we got back from our tour, he had gotten sick though, and now he was stuck in the hospital.

“Honey, you need to eat” My mother sat me down and took my bag from my hands, now that she mentioned it I was starving.
“They kicked me out of the hospital, but he said I could go back during visiting hours” I sighed and relaxed into the cushions of the couch.
“Oh, Matt he lied” What?! She was lying! She had to be!
“No, you're lying” I sat upright and looked over at her, panic taking over my body.
“They wouldn't give me an answer, but they don't want you at the hospital anymore, the security will force you to leave” She set my bag down by the stairs and walked over to me.
“He's sick mom! They can't force me to be away from him, I can't lose him mom” I could feel tears well up in my eyes, I couldn't cry now, not when Brian was alone.
“He will get better Matt, don't worry” She wrapped her arms around my shoulder and squeezed gently.

She stayed on the phone with Suzy while she cooked dinner, they weren't able to get answers from anyone at the hospital either, Brian was doing a little better. He was able to sit up and eat without too much of a struggle. I wanted to talk to him, of course I wasn't able to do it in person so I was forced to do it on the phone. His voice cracked when he said my name, of course he would strain himself trying to talk to me. The moment I hung up the phone dread took over my entire being. I needed to see Brian.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“He's doing a lot better, his doctors are hoping to get his cancer into remission soon” Zack, Johnny, and I were all at the bar, I was still nursing my first beer. It didn't feel the same without Brian there.
“I haven't been able to see him since I left, I tried to climb the side of the building just to see him, but it was a huge failure” Johnny laughed and sipped his beer, a wide grin spread across his face.
“I'm surprised security didn't find you and call the cops” Zack gripped his bottle and shook his head.
“Hey, I'm glad they didn't, Brian would've killed me” Granted he couldn't do much without needing help, god I missed him.

The conversation went smoothly, the drinks were plentiful, but the guilt and dread I felt wouldn't let up. I wanted to be with Brian and I couldn't. I'd have to call Brian Sr. and see if he could sneak me inside so I could see Brian. Granted I'd have to be sober for that or else he'd think I was being a bad boyfriend to his son. We had been together for over four years, and I had spent the last year helping him try and beat his cancer. Even if I was being forced to do it from afar now. As we all went our separate ways dread took over every fiber of my being. Why was I feeling this way? I wasn't driving drunk, I had talked to Brian not even three hours before and he was feeling great, he was excited to get up and walk around. I sighed and got into the car with my mom, a deep set frown set on her features.

“What's wrong?” I wiped my palms on my jeans, things didn't seem good.
“Brian passed away” She whispered softly, tears running down her cheeks.
“What'd you say? I couldn't hear you?” I leaned closer to her slightly, what caused her to be so upset?
“Brian passed away Matt, his dad called us a little over an hour ago, his heart stopped” Oh my god, this had to be a joke, it couldn't be real, I wouldn't believe it.
“Please take me to see him, please” I could barely manage a whisper, I felt so hollow inside.

She nodded and pulled onto the highway, the same highway that I took to drive home, the same one that lead to the man I loved. The man I would now have to bury. No one was at the desk when we walked inside, maybe I could say goodbye to him before they forced me to leave.

“Come on Matt, let's go see him” My mom grabbed my arm gently and stepped onto the elevator.

I wouldn't be able to hear his voice again, be able to see his smile, be able to hold him in my arms while we cuddled on the couch. He would be a memory in my heart forever, I wouldn't forget him, even through the years he would always be my number one. The man who would have my heart forever. I would remember him as the cocky guitarist of Avenged Sevenfold, my best friend, and the man I loved. The fans would be crushed to hear about his death, the same way they were crushed when they found out about Jimmy's death. Except, his was preventable, Brian's wasn't. The air inside the room felt thick with grief, Brian Sr. greeted us as we walked inside, his arms tight around us both with a vice grip. Brian's still form lying on the bed, he looked perfect even in death. This wasn't how I would remember him though, I would remember him while he was healthy, when his eyes were so full of life.

I pulled away from the hug and walked over to Brian slowly, all the IV's had been removed, his hands placed together in his lap. I gently picked up one of his hands and pressed his palm to my cheek, tears were running down my cheeks in small rivers, the man I loved was gone. Pulled from my grasp before I got a chance to see him one last time.

“I love you Brian, you know that too” I sat down on the edge of bed and sniffed, I could barely see through the tears now.
“I'm sorry I couldn't be with you in your final moments, but I'm glad you're not in pain anymore, you didn't deserve any of it” I kissed his palm gently and laid his hand back down, my heart felt as if it had shattered in my chest, Brian was gone.

I couldn't bear to look at him any longer, I couldn't even be with him during his last moments and now I had to see him, so still. I stood from the bed and walked into the hallway, I was going to call Johnny, and Zack to tell them the news. If Brian Sr. hadn't called them already.

“Hey dude, what's up?” Zack answered the phone, he must've just gotten home.
“Brian passed away, his uh...his heart stopped” I bit my lip roughly to keep from crying, I didn't want to wake anyone that was asleep.
“Oh my god, I'm on my way Matt, I'll be there soon” Zack and I exchanged goodbyes before we hung up the phone, now I had to call Johnny and tell him. This was tearing me apart more than I could ever imagine.

“Mmmm, hello?” Johnny groggily asked as he answered the phone.
“Johnny, it's Matt” I could barely utter my name without more tears slipping down my cheeks.
“What's wrong?” Johnny's voice sounded more alert, he must've sat up.
“Brian passed away, I'm at the hospital now” I slid to the floor, my legs unable to hold me up any longer.

The line was silent on the other end, I wanted to talk to him, ask him to come down to the hospital, but my voice wasn't working. I could hear my mom talking to Suzy and Mckenna, they were all crying softly. That was one thing I could be happy about. Brian wasn't alone when he passed, he got to be with his family, the people he loved, even if I wasn't one of them.

“I'm on my way Matt, I'm so sorry” Johnny spoke quickly and softly, I wouldn't be able to greet him or Zack when they arrived.
“Thank you, I'll see you when you get here” I hung up and slid my phone back into my pocket. There was no one else I had to call, Suzy had said she was going to call everyone else in the morning.

We would issue out a statement after his funeral, I wasn't even sure we could continue Avenged without him, moving on without Jimmy was hard, except this was Brian. No one could ever replace him.

Johnny and Zack soon arrived after, their eyes full of sorrow and sadness, I couldn't even stand up to greet them, I just didn't have the energy to do anything. They both went into Brian's room, saying their goodbyes as they did. I'd get a tattoo in his honor, just like I had done for Jimmy. He would be with me long after I passed away, I would prove to Brian that we could keep his legacy alive. He wouldn't die in vain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a cold rainy day when we buried Brian, his parents had picked out a plot when he was first diagnosed in case of the worst, unfortunately they had to use it. Friends, family, everyone that ever knew Brian while he was alive stood around as the priest spoke. There wasn't a dry eye in sight, Johnny was sitting with his wife, his arm wrapped tightly around her waist, Zack was doing the same with his wife. Occasionally he would bury his face into her shoulder and cry. I was with my parents, across from Brian's, they were all holding each other tightly, as if they would fall apart otherwise.

“If anyone would like to say any last words, please do now” The priest stepped away from the casket, a line began to form so everyone could say goodbye, forever.

I didn't want to stand in the line, I wanted to pretend none of this was even real, I wanted to wake up and see Brian's brown eyes staring back at me while he smiled. I wanted him to be alive again.

As the line grew shorter I took in a deep breath to keep myself in control, I needed to do this. Zack and his wife were the last ones before me. They each spoke briefly, as if they were barely holding on anymore. I pulled out a pack of Marlboro red's from my pocket and slid it beneath the flowers that were on top of the casket. I uttered the last words I would ever be able to say to him.

“Say hi to Jimmy for me”