Your Melody Sounds As Sweet As the First Time It Was Sung

Sebastian.

I didn’t want to do this.

Well, that’s a lie.

I did want to do this. But at the same time I didn’t.

Was this the right thing to do? What was I expecting from it?

Perhaps it could crumble my friendship with more than just one. Perhaps everything would turn out for the better. Perhaps it would make no difference at all.

Really, it was all just so messed up and I was so confused.

Not confused about my feelings; they’d become clear to me over the last few months. I was just confused about how to handle this.

I couldn’t just bottle it up. Someone had to know. But why him?

Maybe I wanted to tell him because he was a friend and knew us both. Maybe I wanted to tell him because, to an extent, he’d understand. Maybe I wanted to tell him because, deep down, I was trying to bury the hope that he would do something about it.

Whatever the reason, whatever the outcome, it led me to standing outside the dark green apartment door trying to find the words and the courage to give the necessary knock. After a few minutes, I managed to snap myself out of my pensiveness and return to the real world. I knocked as casually as I could on the vaguely familiar door, ignoring to silence the small voices in my head wondering if I usually knocked that many times, or whether it was usually more or less. The voices managed to shut up as soon as the door before me swung open to reveal a perfectly casual and carefree William Beckett.

“Hey Sebastian,” he greeted, clearly surprised but not unhappy. “What are you doing here? Charlie’s not here, if that’s wh…”

“No, I know,” I cut him off lightly to try and hide whatever weird feelings I harboured. “I came to see you. You’re not busy, are you?”

He shook his head with the same charming smile he always wore.

“No, I’ve just been having a lazy day watching some movies and stuff. I’m kind of glad for the company. Do you want to come in?”

I let out an inaudible sigh of relief and nodded with a smile. He moved aside and I stepped into his surprisingly neat and clean apartment as he closed the door behind me. Why had I felt so nervous? We were friends, after all.

“You want a drink?” he asked, maneuvering his way into the small kitchen.

“It’s one in the afternoon!” I said with a laugh.

“Shut up,” he chuckled. “You know what I mean. Although if you do want something a little stronger, I personally have nothing against drinking after twelve.”

I laughed a little more. The offer did sound tempting; a sip of scotch or two, but I couldn’t. I was here for a reason, and I wouldn’t have alcohol botch the job.

“Thanks anyway, but I think I’ll stick to caffeine.”

Ten minutes later, we were both sitting on the faded blue couch with glasses of iced coffee in hand, watching absently as the television played reruns of The O.C. I still hadn’t uttered a word about what I had come to discuss, and I knew that William was curious but he wasn’t pushing anything. He knew I’d tell him when I was ready.

“Seth must be the coolest character on daytime T.V,” William muttered under his breath, just as the quiet was becoming too much.

“Yeah,” I snorted in reply, trying to keep up the already hopeless charade of actually watching the images on the box.

I could tell that William didn’t care much for the show either, but it was either that or sit here in silence and we both mentally agreed that a drama to which everyone already knew the outcome was better than nothing at all to fill in the space.

As the voices of rich kids echoed through the white room from the T.V, I could feel it beginning to creep up from inside me. I had to spill it. I had to talk to him. I had to get this over with. An irrational part of me was scared of his reaction, even though I knew that William was the most calm and understanding person I knew. Another part of me was dying to just say it, and hope for a good outcome.

“Bill?”

“Yeah?” he asked, turning immediately to look at me.

“Uh… I came here to tell you something.”

He just nodded as he grabbed the remote and flicked off the television. When he turned back to me again, I wet my lips to try and get the words out, but some part of me mustn’t have been functioning properly because nothing came out.

“Go on,” he prompted gently.

I could tell from the look in his eyes that he knew this was difficult for me. But this was ridiculous! It was one quick sentence! It shouldn’t be so difficult. I’d admitted it to myself over and over in my head. Voicing it shouldn’t be this much more effort.

“I… uh… I don’t know why I’m telling you this. Don’t think that I expect anything from it or whatever. I just need… I guess I need you to know. You’re my friend, and I wouldn’t want to betray you or anything by keeping it a secret… I guess I just need to tell someone. And maybe you’re not the person I should be telling, but for some reason I want to tell you anyway, even though you’re more involved than some of the others, and…”

“Whoa, Seb,” he laughed just a little, cutting me off from my ramble, concern still set in his eyes. He was such a good guy. So compassionate. I can understand why she likes him so much. “Relax a bit, okay? We’re friends, you can talk to me. Don’t make this such a big deal…”

“Right,” I coughed. “Sorry. I just… I guess it’s kind of important. And you might not like it, but please don’t get mad. I didn’t mean for it to happen…”

I paused.

“Go on,” he said again. “It’s clear that you need to get this off your chest.”

I hesitated for only a moment longer before I spat it out.

“I think I’m in love with Charlie.”

I could barely hear the words as I spoke them, but in the quietness after I could hear them bouncing around in my head, echoing, taunting me with the strange tone I’d somehow managed to use. Was I expecting anger? Maybe a little, but that was stupid of me. William Beckett wasn’t an angry kind of person. Instead, his face seemed to soften, his eyes seeming to hold almost pity as he let out an exhausted kind of sigh. He leaned back onto a pillow and ran a hand through his hair tiredly.

“I’m sorry,” I hastened to explain myself. “I swear it hasn’t always been this way, just over the last couple of months. She’s been spending more time with you and I found myself jealous, and a few months ago I began to realize that maybe I always saw her as more than a friend and I just didn’t recognize it until it was obvious that she didn’t feel the same, and I really…”

“It’s okay,” he interrupted politely. “It’s okay.”

I stopped, unsure of what to say. I’d expected more of a reaction, but instead the boyfriend of the girl I had just professed my love for was sitting there rubbing his temples gently, like he had expected this all along.

“W-what do you mean?” I started, but then realized that it sounded idiotic. “I mean, what are you thinking? I mean, what...”

He held up a hand and I shut myself up immediately. William’s eyes snapped open as he leaned forwards, supporting his chin between his thumbs and index fingers. I waited as patiently as I could for him to speak.

“I… I’m not surprised that you’re in love with her,” he started. “You two are very close, anyone can see that. I don’t… I don’t think that I’m in love with her. At least, not the way you are. Don’t get me wrong, I really like her. Our relationship… it’s serious, but not strong. We care about each other, but I’ve been thinking lately, and I just don’t think that I’ll ever have the connection with her that you have. I would love to have that, but I just don’t. There’s nothing I can do about that.”

He paused and I opened my mouth to speak, but he wasn’t done and I didn’t get the chance. I don’t know what I would have said anyway.

“I’m not… I’m not sure if she’s really capable of truly loving someone.”

I was not expecting that.

“What do you mean?” I asked, perhaps a little shakily.

“Haven’t you ever noticed it? Charlotte is so compassionate, so caring towards all of her friends. But anything more than that? Sure, she’s my girlfriend, but apart from the physical side she doesn’t really treat me any differently than everyone else. She doesn’t look at me differently although I’m sure I looked at her with more… I don’t even know… just more emotion. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”

“No,” I said slowly. “Now that you mention it, I can see where you’re coming from.”

“So it’s not just me being paranoid?”

I shook my head, and the concern in his face increased as he continued.

“I think… I think that she’s scared. I think she’s scared of loving someone as more than a friend. I don’t think she’ll let herself be open to that kind of love. Has she ever mentioned anything to you about her life before she moved to Chicago?”

My own frown deepened.

“No. She’s told me little bits and pieces, vague memories, but I think she makes a point not to talk about it.”

“That’s what I thought. She’s so reluctant to bring it up. Now I know this is just me theorizing, but I think that something must have happened before she moved here, before she met any of us; something that’s still haunting her, and holding back some of her selective emotions.”

I nodded. Damn, this guy was perceptive.

“That makes so much sense.”

William just nodded, his lips set in a grim line. A silence settled over us again, this time no Orange County to distract us from our swirling thoughts. After unknown time, William spoke again.

“I’m sorry, man.”

“Huh?” I was lost.

“Well, you love her. You’re in love with someone who you’re not sure can love you back.”

Wow. Way to put a weight on my shoulders.

“But what about you?” I questioned. “She’s your girlfriend.”

William shook his head to himself, looking down instead of at me.

“But you love her. You love her more than I do. She’s very special to me, she always will be, but it will never be the way that she is special to you. I can’t keep being with her when I know that you could give her so much better.”

“What do you mean?!” I asked incredulously. “You’re the perfect guy! Calm, sweet, sensitive, good income from a job that you love…”

“But you’re in love with her. Charlie deserves to have someone to love, someone to be in love with. You might be able to teach her how to.”

“But…”

“Don’t argue. I need to break up with her, and you need to tell her how you feel. I just want to see her truly happy.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat, and took a few moments to reply.

“Me too.”

I left William’s apartment ten minutes later with a hell of a lot to think about.