Your Melody Sounds As Sweet As the First Time It Was Sung

I’ve never really been one for keeping secrets. Sure, I tried not to bring up some stuff – like my dad – but people find out eventually. I’m pretty much incapable of lying, though. This could be viewed by some people as a good thing, but I beg to differ.

In the tiny amount of time that was ten days, my feelings for Brendon intensified more than I could ever have even imagined before. I knew that this wasn’t just a silly school crush or anything. The heart flip rate increased by twenty, I began to worry about what I said around him, I enjoyed the sight of him shirtless more than I should, and I couldn’t hug him properly without feeling all wrong. I can’t even explain it right. This wasn’t just a little teenage plea for romance, this was the real deal.

I was falling for him, and I was falling fast.

And would you look at that! No parachute.

It was the night of Brendon’s sixteenth. His parents had insisted he have a day with his family if he wanted a party that night, so even I wasn’t allowed to see him until the party. I was secretly thankful. I’d kind of been trying to avoid him as much as possible for the last two weeks since that night at the beach. Let me tell you if you don’t already know; avoiding the person you usually spend every spare moment of the day with is quite difficult when you don’t want to arouse their suspicions. But I had to. Every moment I spent with him I felt like I was lying to him. He had no idea of the thoughts that occupied my mind. I felt horrible. But I wasn’t going to do that any longer. Tonight I was going to tell him. No matter how he reacted. I hated this. This had the potential to destroy our friendship. I didn’t want that, but I couldn’t let him be ignorant of something so important.

It was around six o’clock, and I was staring at my reflection in the mirror. I was never very ecstatic with my appearance, but usually I would find my reflection decent right now. But I needed to look perfect tonight, if I was going to tell him. I couldn’t look too casual, because it was my best friend’s birthday and he might think I didn’t care enough. I couldn’t go too over the top or it would look like I was trying too hard. I couldn’t expose too much skin or he might think I was some kind of whore. I couldn’t completely cover up my skin because then he’d think something strange was going on and I’d put too much thought into what I was wearingwhich I obviously had. My reflection showed my long hair in gentle ringlets and waves, because mom had insisted on using the curling iron that usually just decorated the back of the cupboard. I wore black shorts with a pretty cream coloured top and matching shoes with a small heel. There were silver hoops in my ears and a sparkly silver ring on my finger that Spencer had gotten me for my fifteenth birthday. My nails were gold, my eyes were outlined in eyeliner, and a clear non-sticky lip gloss coated my lips, but other than that I wasn’t wearing any make up. I felt all squirmy and uncomfortable inside. I was more scared than I could ever believe.

I waited in my room for the doorbell to ring. Ryan was the only one who could drive, so he was bringing Spence and I to Brendon’s place. I still can’t believe Brendon’s parents trust him enough to leave the house, even though they know he’s having a party. Whatever. I was debating changing my top when mom called telling me to get downstairs because the guys were there. I stuffed my phone and some gum into my pocket and grabbed Brendon’s present before running downstairs – I had gotten used to my stairs by now – and joined mom, Spence, and Ryan in the kitchen.

“Honey, you look beautiful!” Mom gushed and my cheeks went red. Ryan’s widened eyes and Spencer’s dropped jaw were usually their indications that I looked pretty good, but tonight it wasn’t what I wanted to see. Or was it? I don’t even know what I wanted.

“Thanks,” I mumbled. “You ready to go?”

Spencer nodded.

“Okay then. Bye mom,” I said, kissing her on the cheek.

“Bye kids, you have fun tonight. Tell Brendon happy birthday from me and if he comes over for dinner on Monday we’ll have another birthday cake for him.”

“Will do,” I smiled as we walked out the door and got in Ryan’s car. I had called shotgun in a three way phone conversation earlier in the day, so Spencer obligingly sat in the back.

None of us spoke during the car ride, but the familiar sounds of Third Eye Blind comforted the silence. I had considered telling Ryan or Spence about this whole new Brendon thing during the last two weeks. I felt like I was going to explode, compressing all these weird thoughts and emotions. In the end, though, I didn’t tell them. It felt too personal. If it made things weird, I guess I’d have to tell them eventually. But not now. Brendon deserved to be the first to know.

“You used to speak so easy,
Now you're afraid to talk to me.
It’s like walking with the wounded.
Carrying that weight way too far,
The concrete pulled you down so hard
Out there with the wounded,
We're missing you.

Well I never claimed to understand
What happens after dark,
But my fingers catch the sparks
At the thought of touching you,
When you're wounded.

Lemme break it down till I force the issue,
We miss your face and you know I wish you would
Come back down to the Delva Bar
You tell ‘em, “That’s just my battle scar.”
I wanna kiss you, and knock ‘em down like we used to
You're a marigold
Till you're walking down shaking that ass again,
Then you walk on, baby, walk on, you walk on.
On and on.
You're an angel in the pit with her hands in the air
And we're missing you.

Now its fall and your shoulders get tighter
Nervous flicks on your lighter... boots
Your pissed off poets,
Your women's groups,
And the friends with you we should've known this fool
Well I guess we missed the mark…”

The song ‘Wounded’ died out as Ryan parked and pulled the keys out of the ignition. I opened my eyes from reveling in Stephan Jenkins’ amazing musical piece, only to look up at Brendon’s house in front of me. With the music pumping and swarms of people making their way in and out mixed with the realization of what I was going to do, it had never looked more like a haunted house to me.

I gulped as we entered the party, already in full swing. I reached out to take Ryan and Spencer’s hands, but Spencer had already fallen behind, talking to someone he knew. Ryan gripped my hand back as we made our way through the crowd, trying to find our friend. I feel like I’ve lost all right to call him that.

“Charlie! Ryan!” After around ten minutes of searching, the sound of Brendon’s voice caused us to turn around, seeing Brendon sitting on the table in the kitchen, a cup of ‘punch’ in his hand.

“Happy birthday, man,” Ryan grinned, embracing him in a manly hug.

“Thanks man,” Brendon replied, handing Ryan another cup of mysterious beverage that he appeared to have conjured out of nowhere.

What is it with guys and calling each other ‘man’ at the end of every sentence? Do they need reminding or something?

“Happy birthday, Bren,” I said quietly, not quite making eye contact with him. His eyes lit up slightly as he jumped off the table and hugged me. I sighed and giving in to his heavenly scent, I hugged him back.

“Hey Charlie,” he whispered into my ear. I could detect the alcohol on his breath, even though he hadn’t had much. Instead of disgusting me, it just made me want to kiss him even more. I mentally tried to beat down the part of me that wanted that. No. Best friends don’t do that.

“Hey Charlie,” said Brent, appearing behind me. “Want a drink?”

“Hey Brent. Uh, no thanks. Not that, anyway.”

“We’ve got other drinks if you want. My brother supplied the alcohol for this party.” He seemed proud of himself. “Brendon wasn’t going to have any alcohol, but I told him ‘every party needs some booze’ so I got my brother, he’s twenty-two y’know, to…”

I zoned out Brent’s drunken drone and caught up with Ryan and Brendon’s conversation, which Spencer joined soon after. I don’t even think Brent realized I ignored him, he was so wasted. A few hours passed pretty much along those lines. There was the occasional fight that Brendon had to go break up (with the help of Spencer, who was bigger-built and looked more threatening), but other than that we just hung around and talked, ignoring the drunken people that were basically either:
1.GrindingDancing
2. Making out
3. Throwing up

Somehow, at around ten, I seemed to have lost my best friends in amongst the party scene. My drink in hand – hey, it was a breezer and my first drink of the night, at least I knew what I was consuming – I wandered alone outside. The back of Brendon’s house was probably my favourite part of it. He had a reasonably large, green yard edged with agapanthus and a pool with a kind of pebbly edge. I was surprised to see that there weren’t that many people out here; only one or two passed out bodies that were unrecognizable to me.

As I walked outside, a gust of wind ruffled my clothes and sent a chill through my body. Seeing the dark fabric of one of Brendon’s oversized hoodies hanging over the pool gate, I took it and threw it over my shivering body, hugging it close to me as I went to sit at the pool’s edge. Only twenty minutes after sitting there staring at the smooth, dark sky did I realize that this was probably crossing some sort of line. What if he thought I was stalking him or something when I eventually had to tell him? I went to take off the garment and just face the cold, but an all-too familiar voice stopped me.

“Charlie!”

I turned my head, although I really didn’t need to. I’d know that voice under water.

“Hey Bren,” I forced a smile as he came and sat down beside me, dangling his feet in the water.

“So that’s where my hoodie went,” he teased.

I blushed a little. “Sorry. I was just about to take it off when-”

“Relax, Char. I was kidding.” He shook his head at me and I blushed even more. Thank god it was so dark out, the only light source being the shining silver orb that was the moon.

“It’s a beautiful night,” I said quietly, beginning the dreaded conversation that I knew I would have to get around to eventually.

“Yeah it is,” he grinned at the moon, which I could have sworn grinned back to him. “It’s been a pretty amazing birthday.”

Another gust of wind blew by, and I instinctively hugged my knees closer to me. A few moments later, Brendon’s arms appeared around my shoulders. He was close enough to me that our upper bodies were touching. I was sharply reminded of my mission at hand, and figured it was now or never. I gulped down my last doubts and spoke.

“Brendon?”

“Mmh?”

“Did you… did you ever think of me as more than just a friend?”

I held my breath in anticipation of the answer.

“Yeah,” he answered casually. “When I first saw you, I thought about you differently. I mean, you were a girl, it was an initial reaction. But then we got talking and I got the best friend I ever wanted.”

There was a pause, but he continued, smiling slightly at me.

“And sometimes, just when we’re going somewhere, you’ll show up looking especially good and I can’t help but think ‘Wow. Everyone’s going to be so jealous, because I’m going to be seen with you.’ Because they don’t all know that we’re just best friends. Tonight’s a perfect example of that.”

I blushed mildly at the compliment and gulped again as a silence grew, still refusing to look at him. I couldn’t decide if this was going well or not.

“Brendon?” I squeaked. I sounded weak, even in my own ears.

“Yeah?” he answered softly.

“I… I need to tell you something.”

“I’m all ears.”

I could hear the curiosity in his voice. I drew a deep breath and looked away. This is it.

“Lately I’ve been having these… these weird feelings. Every time you touch me or smile at me, I feel all fluttery inside. I’ve started worrying so much about what you think, when before I didn’t need to.” I felt him stiffen slightly and slowly remove his arms from my shoulders. I squeezed my eyes closed, feeling tears, but forced myself to continue. “I’ve started taking particular notice when you don’t wear a shirt, and I can’t be around you without feeling immensely guilty.”

I heard him gulp and try to start a sentence.

“Charlie, I…”

“I’m falling for you, Brendon,” I looked him in the eye for the first time all night, but his shape was blurry from tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes. “I’m falling for you, and I’ve never been more scared in my entire life.”

There was silence for around five minutes as I rested my chin on my knees. I could almost hear his brain trying to comprehend the meaning of everything I’d just shared with him. I painfully held back my tears, looking out over the pool so as not to make Brendon think I was waiting for a specific response. After processing the information, Brendon started speaking. He wasn’t looking at me; he was looking at his fidgeting hands. I wasn’t looking at him; I was looking at the sky.

“Charlie, I don’t know what to say. You’re my best friend in the whole world and I would do anything to make you happy… but I can’t lie to you. I don’t see you like that. You’re the most important person in my world, but not in that way. You’re too special for that.”

I nodded, holding back the water my stinging eyes were so desperate to rid themselves of.

“I didn’t expect you to. I just had to tell you, or I’d feel like every second I was around you was a lie. If there’s any weakness we share, it’s that we can’t lie,” I averted my eyes, not wanting them to give away the torn feeling inside me. “Just promise me this won’t change anything. Promise me we’ll still be best friends, just as always. Hopefully, this will just go away soon and everything will return to normal.”

“I promise, Charlie,” he whispered, before kissing my cheek lightly after brief hesitation.

“Hey, Brendon!” Ryan’s voice traveled and jumped off the water, sounding especially loud in mydistraught ears. Brendon’s head turned to face Ryan as he pushed his red glasses back up to rest on the bridge of his nose.

“Yeah?” he called back.

“Brent’s passed out. We need your help.”

Sighing, Brendon stood up and began walking inside after Ryan. Just before he went inside, he turned back to me.

“I promise, Charlie. Nothing will change.”

As he disappeared inside, I looked up to the moon, which seemed to be watching me sympathetically. Checking that no one was around to see me, I let out a gasp of emotional hurting and let the fresh, hot tears free from their prison. My body racked and heaved with my sobs, shaking. I cried and cried, unaware that anyone could be listening to my whimpers, and wondered in whisper why this had to happen to me. Just when things were beginning to seem good, I had to go and get caught up in this painful, hurtful, regretful mess called unrequited love.

You know the worst thing about unrequited love? It’s unrequited.