Why I Killed My Own

"Start from the beginning."

Start at the beginning? Where did this start? Better question when did this start? Probably when I was seven and my family moved to New York so I could attend the Academy there. Yes, that's when the first domino tipped-

"Grey." I turned my brown eyes to the frustrated old Shadowhunter interrogating me. "What happened? This behavior-" He paused. "This isn't you." I dropped my eyes back down to my lap. Wasn't it like me? I'm a Shadowhunter, I kill. "Grey, we need to know what happened."

I debated saying nothing, but I found myself whispering, "I killed five fellow Shadowhunters. You were there. You saw." He probably knew more than me, the memories are in pockets. As if they were broken movie clips...

I was arguing with Kaden. Then he and his friends were on the ground bleeding with lifeless eyes staring at nothing. Back to the boring engagement lunch. To me running. The part I remember the most, the period of time most vivid in my memory was the silence as I looked down with my elegant compound bow by my side. It was a beautifully tragic silence, one that only comes when everyone is too shocked to react. A silence that is soon followed by complete chaos.

I hardly heard the yelling as my eyes remained on the lower floor. My face I knew was blank, emotionless. Drained. An excellent word to describe how I was feeling. I vaguely remember gently placing my bow on the ground before raising my hands in surrender. Next thing I knew I was sitting in the blank room with the older Shadowhunter angrily and tiredly trying to get me to answer.

"Do you understand the gravity of the situation?" He cried. I remained still, only my blinking indicating that I was not a wax figure. He slammed his fist on the table before shoving his chair back and marching out the door. Give up on me.

Although I looked as if I was nothing more than a doll, my mind couldn't help but drift. Drift back to when it first began... Back when New York was my new home. Back when I first met Will.

"Grey everything is going to be fine." My mother smiled down at me. At a young age I didn't take change well. I had never left Idris and now I was half a world away in a city that bustled and was too loud. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go back to the glass towers that offered me protection. Unfortunately, there was no going back. There was only the towering faux decrepit cathedral turned beautiful castle.

My father gently pulled me in through the door before dropping my hand to shake the Shadowhunters' that headed the academy. The man with dark hair looked like a giant, he was taller than my father and rarely let his lips curl up. The first time he ever smiled in my presence was when his husband walked into the room. It reminded me of how my father lit up whenever my mother was around. It made me like this man, the small action swayed him in my favor.

The other hunter had hair that looked like fire. It startled me at first because I though she was some sort of fire elemental with real flames for hair. I quickly realized I was wrong and made me curious about this woman who was even shorter than my mother. Unlike the dark haired man, she easily smiled and gave off a warm feeling. I later learned she hadn't been brought up in this environment and had lived for many years as a mundane. For some reason that made me like her more.

After the pleasantries were over, the woman, Mrs. Clary, gave us a tour while the dark haired man, Mr. Alec, had other business to attend to. I was like my father's shadow and hid whenever someone new came into view. I hated not knowing anyone it made me anxious. Somehow during the tour I lost my parents and Mrs. Clary. I was alone in the large academy, lost like Sarah in a Labyrinth that to a small child felt as though the walls moved on their own. For a while I stood in one place looking around the empty hall feeling as if my world was crashing down on me. It became difficult to breathe.



With a scowl I started down the hallway, randomly taking lefts and rights. How could this large of an academy be so empty? The one in Idris was bustling with people. Eventually I found the archery range. My fear and desire to find my parents evaporated; I loved archery. The familiar sights of the targets, stalls, bows, and arrows calmed me, while the soft twang of the string soothed the rest of my anxiety. I quietly moved forward towards the sound only to find a small dark haired boy similar in age to myself and an older boy with blue everything in a stall. The older boy was walking the younger lad through proper techniques. I listened knowing most of what he was saying and lighting up when I learned something new.

I didn't think I would get caught (I was always being compared to a cat), but I let out a yip when the blue haired boy called to me without turning around. I darted into the closest stall and crouched down in a poor attempt to hide. I heard laughing get closer until both boys were standing at the opening. The younger boy scowled as the blue haired boy tried to quiet his laughter. "It's alright, we're not gunna hurt you." I stared at them warily. I shouldn't be suspicious I mean they were Shadowhunters, but I was alone and they unfamiliar. "How's this? I'm Max Lightwood-Bane and this is my younger brother Will. Who are you?"

Words were hard, I was always terrible at talking to people I didn't know. After a moment I quietly replied, "I'm Grey Steren."

"That's a color, not a name." Will's face scrunched up in distaste before he cried out and rubbed his head. "Max!"

"That was rude." The older boy scolded. "Apologize."

"But it is!" Will tried to defend, but sighed when Max glared down at him. "I'm sorry I made fun of your name."

I nodded, but didn't say anything else. Max luckily stepped in. "Since we don't know who you are, you must be new." I nodded. "Did you get lost?"

"Yeah, I lost my parents and Mrs. Clary..." My cheeks burned.

Before Max could say anything, Will grinned and darted forward to grab my hand. "We'll help you find them!" He started pulling me towards the door.

Max shook his head as if his brother was giving him a headache. "You just want to get out of archery practice." Will merely grinned, not denying his intentions. "Fine, but we have to clean up first. Go grab the arrows, Grey can you put the bow with the others. With Will running down the lane, I took the bow and gently put it back in its place on the wall. There wasn't many bows, not like in Idris, but there was enough to surprise me from such a small institute. "Alright, let's go you two." I let out another yelp as Will once again grabbed my hand and darted away. It took my feet a moment to work but soon I was easily keeping up with him, finding myself laughing with the two boys.

After some time looking, we paused in our search. "We should probably head to the living room, that's where we usually congregate." Our fast pace slowed and a leisurely walk took over. "So Grey where did you live before coming here?" Max asked, looking down at me.

"Idris." I replied before cocking my head. "Why is your hair blue?"

Slightly startled Max replied, "It's always been blue. I think it's my warlock trait just like my blue skin."

"Got a problem with that?" Will asked in an aggressive tone.

With wide eyes I remember replying, "No, I like it. Blue's my favorite color. I wish I had blue hair, it's cooler than my boring brown." I didn't understand why Will had turned into something similar to an angry dog. I half expected him to start snapping at me. However, the next time I looked at him, his face has relaxed and he was once again happily walking beside me. It would be another few years before I realized why he had reacted so.

We chatted for the rest of the walk and only stopped when we were just outside the door. "Papa's home." Max's blue brows knit together in confusion.

"I thought he wasn't coming back for another week. Raf's back too. Maybe he got in trouble." Will grinned.

I was only half paying attention as I watched the adults interact. I watched as a man with painted nails (who I assumed was their Papa) walk over to Mr. Alec and kiss him on the cheek. I remember being surprised at how Mr. Alec had instantly relaxed and gave a smile I didn't think he was possible of giving. In a classic Grey fashion, I asked, "You have two daddies?" I never did have a filter when I chose to talk.

The small conversion between the brothers halted. Will once again scowled with crossed arms and questioned, "Do you have a problem with that?"

I didn't understand his hostility to me. It was a simple question, why was he treating me as if I had wronged him in some way. "You're very aggressive, I don't like that." I scowled back. Choosing to ignore him and I looked at Max, he was nice.

"Yes. Papa is a Warlock like me and Dad is a Shadowhunter like Raf and Will." Then he turned to Will, "Stop being mean, she was only asking."

Will didn't stop scowling until I commented, "That's cool. I've never really met a Warlock before. I like your Papa's shirt. It's pretty. Let's go say hi." Then I grabbed both of their hands and dragged them to the adults.



Life had been peaceful then. Like many childhoods, it was innocent and fun. Now it was only a distant memory that had kept me sane until now.