Why I Killed My Own

"She finally spoke." One of the guards commented. I turned my head towards the jail cell door from where I sat against the wall. I was previously looking out the barred window, but for the moment I was intrigued. I had been escorted to my current living arrangements when my defendant grew too tired and hungry to deal with me. It wasn't bad, but it definitely wasn't home.

"What'd she say?" The other asked, everyone knew I had barely said four sentences since being arrested.

"No. Apparently the moment Cedric told her the Inquisitor was planning on using the Mortal Sword, she reacted. I wonder what she's hiding."

"She probably has many secrets. She is a Steren after all, the family of secret keepers."

Family of secret keepers. That was us Steren's. They weren't wrong though, I had more secrets than probably anyone else. Well my age anyway. When did I take up the Steren mantle of secrecy? Ah, I remember. That started with Will too. Domino number two...

Will and I became inseparable after my first day at the institute. Wherever one was, the other wasn't far behind. Over two years we developed a radar for each other. He tended to be the only one who could find me whether it be in practice or playing hide and seek. It was rare for me to surprise him and in turn on the off chance he was being sneaky, I always knew when he was about to pop out. We complimented each other well. Where he was loud and excelled in combat with practice swords, I was on the quieter side (not that he'd agree) and no one my age could match my archery skill.

Curious to how we'd work as a team, the school started doing drills to test how we would do. Will would go in and initiate the fight, I hung back and offered support. Protecting him and weeding out anyone that got too close became my job. We never won a fight, but our fighting style intrigued the adults around us. As children, we didn't pay attention to what the adults were thinking. All we cared about was running around, having fun, being together, and practice fighting. The way people stared at us never crossed our minds as we went about our days in total bliss.

We were nine when the word Parabatai was first mentioned to us. We looked at each other in surprise, it was rare for anyone to find one and to possibly have that bond was mystifying. My mother spoke to us gently while my father and Will's two dads stood by with smiles. She told us to think about it, we had time to make that decision. Time that would prove beautiful and then tragic. As we trained the teachers began preparing us for the possibility of becoming Parabatai. We read about it to fully grasp what it meant to form that bond. We talked about it on occasion, but never had an in depth conversation about it.

When we were eleven Will found me sitting on the winding staircase in the greenhouse. I skipped classes looking yet again through a book about Parabatai. It'd been weighing on my mind as I thought about what it meant to form that bond with Will. In usual Will fashion, he clattered up the stairs and grinned down at me. "What's up Grey?" He turned his head to look at the open book in my lap. "Still researching? I'm pretty sure we have all those books memorized. We are probably Parabatai experts at this point."

"I know, it's just been on my mind lately." My voice was quieter than usual, my lips split from chewing on them.

"Talk to me Grey, you're kinda freaking me out right now." He could feel my anxiety, see the slight fear in my eyes.

I looked down and began drawing random designs on the book with my finger. I was never one to keep anything from him, but my thoughts could throw everything into disarray. "Will, I... I don't..." I chewed on my lips a minute more before looking up at him desperately. "I don't want this bond with you."

His dark eyes looked at me shocked. With a hint of hurt he quietly asked, "Why?"

I didn't like the pain in his voice. It was more painful than when I did't block a strike from a practice staff. Not wanting to hurt him more with silence, I blurted, "I can't marry you if we're Parabatai." My hand flew over my open mouth. My face burned with embarrassment, "I.. I ah... I." Panicking, I darted under his arms and clambered down the steps; all grace gone.

I didn't make it more than five steps before I hear, "Grey!" and found my face resting in the crook of his neck. I struggled a little not wanting to be near anyone. His arms around my back kept me from running away from the situation I did not want to deal with. "Grey, stop I'm not letting you go until we talk." I struggled a little more before stilling. "Did you really mean what you said?"

I wanted to play dumb, I wanted to play it off as if I was joking. Hell I was really hoping this was a nightmare and I would wake up soon. But it was reality and I had just made a fool in front of my best friend. "Yes." I breathed out.

At first I wasn't sure he heard me, but he whispered back, "Can I see you?" I shook me head and tried to hide deeper into his shoulder. "Please, Grey." He gently pulled me away from him and leaned down to my level. With a smile he said, "Then we won't become Parabatai and when we're 18 I'm gunna ask you to marry me."

My stubbornly downcast eyes shot up in almost as much shock as Will had experienced earlier. My brows knit together in hurt and anger, "You better not be teasing me, Will. It's not funny."

His face turned serious as he locked his finger together behind my back. "I'm not being funny, I'm serious. I'm gunna train hard to be a great warrior and a man worthy to be your husband." One of his hands came up with his pinkie extended. "I promise you and when we're both 18 I'm gunna ask you properly. Can you wait til then?"

Cheeks burning for an entirely different reason, I nodded. "Of course I can, Will." I brought my hand up and linked our pinkies together. "I promise to work hard to be the best partner for you as both a hunter and woman." A smile broke across his face as his finger tightened against mine.

"It's a promise." Then he pulled me into a hug and we laughed. Nothing seemed to be able to tear us a part. Our bond was too strong... It was supposed to be too strong for anything to break it.

That was the first of many secrets Will and I shared. For some reason it seemed important not to tell anyone why we decided against forging a nearly unbreakable bond with each other. Both of our parents were surprised when we told them we didn't want to become Parabatai, but did want to remain partners. We merely smiled at them and ran off to practice something. Our promise to each other that day was a goal we both would work towards. Neither of us telling anyone about what had transpired. A single moment and promise between two eleven year olds who believed that nothing could tear them apart.

My eyes returned to staring out the window. Although I had fixed my relationship with Will, it was never like when we were younger. Not like how it was before I ruined it.