Why I Killed My Own

"Here's your lunch." The guard dropped the plate on the ground next to me. He was gone by the time I looked up from the food. A tray, plate with bread and pasta, a napkin, and nothing else. They apparently didn't trust me with utensil. Murder suicide... Interesting take, although I suppose not untrue. I did want to be found guilty I suppose.

The way I acted was probably a red flag somewhere in a psychology text book. I didn't need to study the subject to know I was a bit unhinged. Depression? Check. Desire for self harm? Check. Thoughts of suicide? Big thick check. Wanting- No killing others? Done. Yup, I was a psychologist's prime patient. I could probably plea insanity, but did I want to? Stamp an X on that question. I just wanted all this to end.

I pulled the tray towards me and started pulling the bread apart. I slowly plopped small pieces of it into my mouth. It was tasteless like everything else nowadays. For once, Will wasn't the cause of it. This time I could blame myself and Kaden. He was domino number something, and I was the one who let the rest fall...

I met Kaden when my family and I visited Idris when I was fourteen. It was my first time back since we moved to New York. Over the years I had forgotten how much I missed my homeland. It was beautiful and partially felt like home. We met his family when my aunt invited them over for supper. He instantly took a liking to me, following me wherever I went. Although I couldn't find anything wrong with him, he made me uncomfortable. I sighed in relief when his family left that night. When we returned to New York I was glad because I was pretty sure I wouldn't have to see him again. I was wrong. He kept showing up and then we ended up engaged.

We postponed our wedding until I was 21, the age at which I would officially become a master healer and archer. Half a day before I killed him I stood before the sink washing glasses and plates for our engagement party. Everyone important would be attending. Family and friends would gather for the joyous occasion. Joyous for everyone but me, I felt trapped and drained. Not for the first time I stared at the closest knife, longing for the glide of the blade over different parts of my body. Anything to release the dread and unhappiness I felt. I could set all my wrongs right if I disappeared... that's not true. I would cause pain and unhappiness for the few I loved. I couldn't do that to them.

Kaden came up next to me, arms ready to encircle around me. In a voice I tried never to use around him, I nearly snapped, "Don't touch me." My submerged hand gripping a knife. I closed my eyes. Shit.

"What did you say?" He snarled into my ear, grabbing a chunk of hair.

Quickly reigning my in my emotions I turned and innocently looked into his eyes. "Don't touch me, please. I'm all sudsy and I don't want to get it all over you." I gave him a sly smile that hid all the disgust I felt for this man. "Don't want you to have wet spots when the guests come. Which should be," I turned my head to look at the clock. Thank God, five minutes. "In five minutes. Can you go make sure the table cloth is straight and the chairs are in order? I should be done here soon and set everything up before they arrive."

He settled with a loving smile. "Anything for you, honey." He kissed my lips before turning to do as I requested. I watched him leave, mentally chucking the knife I had earlier into his back. Wiping my lips with the back of my hand, I turned to finish my work.

As I started walking towards the dining room with plates, I looked longingly at the knives I was leaving behind. I no longer knew if I was being strong for not killing Kaden or myself or weak. Nothing made sense anymore. I had fallen so far that I didn't think even God could find me. I wasn't sure if Lucifer could either. The loneliness was crushing and this was only the beginning. Soon I would be tied to this man and I wouldn't be able to escape.

When the guests arrived I squared my shoulders and put on a bright smile. The moment I saw Will I nearly cried in happiness; I hadn't seen him in months. He still lived in New York, while Kaden had me move to Idris to prepare for the wedding. I hated every minute of it.

"Will!" I cried happily, throwing my arms around him. I buried my nose into his neck and held on. I knew soon I wouldn't be able to touch him. Not if Kaden had a say in it.

"Grey!" He let out a laugh as he rocked us back and forth. He snickered harder knowing I was on my tip-toes trying to keep my balance. I didn't care though, Will was next to me he could do whatever he wanted.

Our hug was short lived when Kaden walked over. "It's good to see you again, Will." When Will let me go I could see how unhappy Kaden was. He put on a good show, but I had existed with him long enough to know he wanted nothing more than to beat the shit out of my best friend

"Thank you for having me, Kaden. Hope you're taking care of my girl." Will easily draped his arm over my shoulders. A gesture as natural now as breathing.

I knew Kaden wanted to scowl, but he a master actor. "Of course, although soon she'll be my girl. Isn't that right, Hon?"

I didn't need to see Will's face to know that his pleasant smile cracked a little, the tension in his arm told me enough. I gave my best fake smile and replied, "I'm both your girls. Learn to share you two." I lightly scolded. "Now, I'd love to catch up with you Will, but I am being a terrible hostess. We'll talk later." I leaned up and kissed his cheek wishing not for the first time that I could linger longer than a second.

"Alright, go work the crowd." He smiled down at me with a linger sadness that had started years earlier. Before I could start to cry from the way he looked at me, I turned to greet the others. Like dozens of times before I moved through the crowd like a robot. I smiled like a good hostess, talked merrily with people I didn't particularly like, and cozied up to my fiance as if he didn't repulse me. To anyone but me, it was a wonderful dinner. Everything went perfect. The guests got along well, the food was delicious (I somehow managed to learn to cook), and nothing spilled or broke. I glided through the dinner like it was something I had grown up doing. It appeared perfect.

Soon after dinner I found myself in the bathroom. Partly because I had to use it and partly because I needed to get away. Breathing became hard the longer I was with the crowd of people elated at our wedding. I stared at my reflection unable to recognize the woman before me. Her once warm eyes were almost lifeless, longing for it all to end. She was a doll that did as she was told. A woman who got engaged to a man she despised. Who shattered a friendship that meant more to her than life itself. Who was slowly transitioning away from a warrior. Who would soon lose her partner because her husband decreed it. A woman that on a daily, sometimes hourly basis wished to either slit her wrists and watch her life ooze away where peace was finally possible or stab her fiance and watch him bleed out begging for death. Each day it got harder to push those thoughts away. She needed to live... I needed to live. I needed to keep my loved ones safe and happy. I couldn't do that if I ran a shard of glass or knife up my veins or across Kaden's neck.

Wiping my hands on the hand towel, I shook off the bad feelings and opened the door to find Will about to knock. "Hi." I blinked slightly startled.

With a chuckled, Will greeted, "Hey. You okay? You were in there for some time."

"You keeping tabs on me while I'm in the bathroom?" I jokingly accused. He merely grinned as he leaned against the door jam. "For your information I had a slight stomachache, but I'm fine."

He cocked his head and stared at me. "Are you? You know..."

It took me a minute and quietly cried, "No! God Will, no." I ran a hand through my hair, God that would have been terrible. "For your information I am on my period now." I scowled.

"Alright, alright I get it. Just making sure you're okay."

My face softened. "Don't worry, pretty sure just some cramping."

"TMI." He groaned.

"Yeah, yeah. Come on there's cheesecake." I laughed when he lit up, grabbed my hand, and pulled me towards the kitchen. It reminded of when we first met, back when everything was simple. For a moment the darkness around me lifted and my mind calmed. For a short time I had no desire for anything or anyone to end.

I pushed the tray towards the door and looked back outside. I was once again a caged bird. No that wasn't quite right. I was just a bird shifted from one cage to another, I hadn't had freedom in years. I was still watching the birds flutter around outside when the guard returned.

"Didn't eat much I see. No skin off my bones, either way you're gunna die." I didn't move to even glance at him not that he seemed particularly phased. "You have a few people who want to see you. Not that I know why." He muttered the latter part, but I still heard.

"No." I whispered. "I want to be left alone."

"Whatever." There were only six people who would want to see me, two of who would probably try to kill me. Maybe I should have let them visit.

"Wait." He paused at the door as if it was a hardship. "I need a tampon please." He grunted and walked away. I was alone, but this loneliness was a little more pleasant than the one I felt earlier.