Why I Killed My Own

"I'll leave you two alone." My defendant shut the door leaving me alone with someone who wasn't him. You two? I turned from where I stood staring out the window and sharply inhaled.

"Hello Grey." The man smiled a little awkwardly.

Guarded I nodded back. "Mr. Alec." I didn't want to see anyone who wasn't the guards or my defendant, I definitely didn't want to see anyone of the Lightwood-Bane family. "What are you doing here?"

He leaned on the wall, not getting too close to make me feel trapped but neither letting me forget he was in the room. "I'm here to talk to you about what happened." I raised an eyebrow almost like a little challenge. Everyone had been trying to get me to talk, did he really think he could? "How are you doing?"

Narrowing my eyes I was hesitant to reply. "Fine." He nodded and watched me. I shifted in place before turning to look out the window again while biting my lip. Shit, he was going to break me. He was the only one beside Will who could.

My relationship with Mr. Alec was different than any other relationship I had with an adult. Usually I liked someone, but it didn't necessarily mean I would feel guilty that I disappointed them or I wanted to run to them for advise. Mr. Alec was different. I bonded with him over my love of archery and being able to be silent for hours without feeling weird.

When I was younger, I looked to him not only as my friend's dad but also a mentor. Whenever I had a question or I wasn't getting a particular shot, I'd run to him for help. He was always patient and gave me a proud smile whenever I made a difficult shot and I could reproduce it. On more than one occasion Mr. Magnus would walk by us practicing and laugh, commenting how I was the archer child they never had. Mr. Alec always look unimpressed while I giggled.

As I got older and better at parkour and acrobatics, I started combining the three. He would watch to make sure I was safe and offer me critique on my form. Will would often sit on the sidelines shouting out comments, sometimes making his father kick him out when he distracted me. Early on in our student/mentor relationship I always strove to make his approval. When I didn't I felt like a failure, although he usually did his best to remind me that I was young and still learning; that I wasn't a failure. Sometimes Will would get annoyed whenever he was compared to me. I hated times like those because I felt like I was the cause of their fight even though I knew logically I wasn't. When Will stormed off, I would run after him feeling bad I was cutting early from my lesson.

Over the years, I learned that his calm waiting behavior made me fidget. He had proven on multiple occasions that he could wait you out until you either confessed or blurted out your problems. I liked and hated him for his strange ability. Mr. Magnus always thought it was hilarious because he enjoyed the show as his children tried to play the staring game with his husband and always lost.

I remember a time when Raf and Mr. Alec were in one such stare off. I walked in wanting to ask him about an archery move and found them silent with Raf glaring. Mr. Magnus was leaning on the wall with an amused expression. I went to turn and leave when he placed a hand on my shoulder. "Stay, this is going to be entertaining. Rafael is about to break." He whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

"What did he do?" I was transfixed by the intensity between father and son.

"I do not know, but we will find out soon." And as if Mr. Magnus had said the magic words, Raf caved and confessed to breaking an artifact in the library. "I thought Max was the one, I guess I owe Alexander a dinner."

"You bet with dinners?" Forgetting for a moment that not only were they adults but also my question.

"He likes when I cook, but I hate it doing it. If I win he has to take me out on a date, he always gets flustered. It's cute." He winked. "Do not tell him I told you."

I looked at him like he was crazy. "No way am I telling Mr. Alec that."

"You're not telling me what?" I spun around to find Raf gone and Mr. Alec behind me.

"Ah."

"That I think you are cute." Mr. Magnus grinned.

"Uhuh. Thank you for helping me with Raf, by the way." He glared.

"You were working your magic on our son, I was not going to interrupt that."

"I know when you're lying, I'll deal with you later." Mr. Alec shifted his attention from his husband to me. "Did you need something, Grey?"

"Ah, oh yeah. I'm not understanding how to jump from one platform to another, spin around, and automatically shoot a target. I don't feel like I have control."

He nodded in understanding, "I'll help you in moment, I need to finish up some paper work and then I'll come to help. As for you," His eyes moved to stare into Mr. Magnus's dark irises. "I'll talk to you later."

He always knew how to make someone fold under the pressure of his stare and his seemingly round about questions.

We went long periods of time without talking before he'd ask an ordinary question. I always replied with one word or a simple sentence. A part of me knew I was giving him clues and hints to why I murdered people, but as I said I couldn't not say anything.

At some point I ended up sitting across from him. He was leaning casually on his elbows, while I was leaning back with my head resting on the back of the chair. I picked at the plain shirt I was wearing while chewing on my lip. "Am I making you nervous?"

My eyes looked up into in curious expression. "Why do you think that?"

"You're chewing on your lip. You only do that when you're stressed or anxious." I raised an brow before returning to picking at my shirt. "I've read a few psychology books and I am the father of your best friend." My best friend... The down side to having a best friend, they know more about you than you sometime want them to know. It makes things harder sometimes.

"I'm about to go to trial, of course I'm stressed."

"Yet, you are doing nothing to save yourself."

I shrugged. "It's a closed case."

"Is it?" Might as well be. I remained silent, done talking for the time being. We sat in silence a little longer before his questions began to become pointed. No longer chit chat, but direct questions or comments. Words that made you want to defend yourself or explain why your life was the way it was. His blue eyes never missed anything as my muscles inadvertently tensed or twitched. I forgot what it was like to be under his scrutiny.

On many occasions Will, Max, Raf, my sister, their cousins, and I found ourselves at the mercy of our parents for misbehaving. They'd take turns usually yelling, scolding, or interrogating us. We knew we were in serious trouble when all the parents stood back with arms crossed and let Mr. Alec yell at us. I shouldn't say it was necessarily yelling, when he was angry his voice got low and eerily calm. I'm pretty sure our parents found great joy in watching us nearly piss ourselves. Those were the times I wasn't a fan of being friends with the Lightwood-Bane family, Mr. Alec was terrifying. We always confessed to our crime and followed through with our punishments.

One such occasion was when six of us snuck out to a party. I wasn't a fan of huge crowds but everyone else wanted to go and there was no way I was missing out. It was a blast and we lost track of time. By the time we realized it was time to leave, it was already five in the morning. Max ran through the party collecting us before we booked it out of the loft. I of course was the one caught out of bed in clothes that you never sleep in. No one sleeps in jeans, boots, and a neon zip-up vest with a hood. Mrs. Izzy looked at me disapprovingly with her bare foot tapping. Without saying a word she pointed at me and then turned knowing I would follow after her. I mumbled a few swear words as I walked behind her.

As I waited in a chair for my parents, I prepared myself for the worst. I was not ratting out my friends. That of course was when my parents, Mr. Jace, and Mr. Alec appeared before me looking quite unhappy. I was in deep shit.

I was first scolded by my parents who didn't hide their anger or lower their voices. Yup deep shit. Then Mr. Alec stepped forward and simply asked, "Aside from Will, who else went out to party?" If anyone else had been caught Will probably wouldn't have been automatically included in this soiree. Sorry Will. I did my best, but after fifteen minutes of him pressuring me I name vomited everyone that went out. I was ashamed, not only for ratting them out but for not lasting longer.

I received pats on the back from my fellow inmates. Once they knew Mr. Alec had been the one questioning me, they knew there was no chance. You folded eventually, sometimes sooner rather than later.

I could feel it, the words wanting to be released. Honestly this man could have been a priest with his ability to get people to confess. Sometimes it felt like this man could be my salvation. If I told him everything then maybe their would be a chance at peace. I knew that was false hope though, there was no salvation from me. Even if I confessed, I would die.

Feeling the words at the tip of my tongue, I slammed my palms on the table. For the first time since meeting this man I raised my voice, "I'm done talking to you. I'm done talking to everyone. Guard! I'm ready to return to my cell." We glared at each other. I only pulled away when his frustration turned into confusion.

He opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off when the door opened. "Miss Steren."

"Don't bother coming back. You can't save me." I shoved my chair back and walked towards the guard only to stop right at the door when Mr. Alec called me.

"Grey, one question before you exile yourself to your cell." I turned my head just enough to have him in my peripheral. "Why didn't you and Will want to be Parabatai?"

I thought about not saying anything, but I was going to die might as well give someone a hint. Will could tell anyone everything when I was dead. "We didn't want that type of bond." Then I left. Back to my cell where I would wait for my punishment.