Why I Killed My Own

"We didn't want that type of bond." I chuckled to myself as I sat once more against the wall. I couldn't believe I said that. It could be taken in so many different ways. Mr. Alec could believe whatever he wanted, it didn't make a difference at this point.

My chuckling slowly drifted off until it sounded closer to a whimper than a laugh. I brought my knees to my chest trying to get as small as possible. What am I doing? I tried to push all thoughts away from that deadly road, but failed. Like usual I could never completely stop myself from thinking about Will. He was the one I had made a promise to and broke. He was the one I loved and let go. Of everyone I would eventually leave behind, he was the one I was the cruelest to.

As we grew older our bond strengthened. We never regretted our decision not to become Parabatai, if anything everyday reminded us why we chose a different road. Our confession to each other didn't really change anything about our relationship. We'd always been in each other's space thus no one found it odd for us to be touching each other any chance we got. Around others we weren't intimate, but when we were alone things were different. Casual touches on exposed skin, cuddling more than usual, napping in each others arms, and the list goes on.

It wasn't until Will was thirteen that we shared our first kiss. Like usual we stayed up until midnight to welcome in his birthday. It was a tradition started when we wanted to be the first to wish the other happy birthday. It all began when my parents had to go on some trip that carried over through my birthday. I was bummed and to cheer me up Will made me stay up with him. I didn't get it at first, all I wanted to do was sleep (I was turning nine and midnight was late). Then all of a sudden he pounced on me and started singing Happy Birthday. We laughed so hard he couldn't finish the song and we fell asleep in my bed in strange positions. It carried over to his birthday and kept going.

We waited impatiently for twelve to come. As the hours passed we played different games and solved random puzzles we found around the academy. At twelve, as was tradition, I jumped on him knocking us both onto his bed. I sang to him in my worst voice ever before laughing down at him. "May I give you your first birthday present?" I asked a little nervous.

"I get more than one?" Glee filled his face.

I rolled my eyes, "Yes, but you can't get your other one until later."

"Can't I get both now?"

"No." I bopped his nose. "No being greedy."

"I'm allowed, it's my birthday." I gave him an unimpressed look to which he sighed. "Okay, one now and one later."

"Good. Now close you eyes and no peeking." He chuckled and did as I asked. I knew he was waiting for me to get up, but instead I leaned down and pressed my lips to his. It didn't last long and when I pulled away Will looked at me surprised. "Happy Birthday, Will."

Wrapping his arms around me so I couldn't move away he smiled gently, "Best gift ever." I smiled down at him with cheeks glowing red. "Do I only get one?" I shook my head and bent down again. It was chaste at first as we felt each other out, but deepened a little when he flipped up. Before it could get too out of hand, he pulled away and kissed my forehead. "Thank you." We stared at each other as his hand rubbed up and down my arm and I stroked his cheek. "We should probably go to sleep." I nodded and yawned. Nothing more happened. We were innocent then, taking for granted the easy ability to kiss each other when we wanted to.

I should have kissed, hugged, been with him more. We only had to wait until we were 18 and our simple, easy going life would have been continued. Instead I destroyed that road when Kaden walked into our lives. There was no hope of fixing it and now I was being a coward. I would soon no longer have to live with the my betray to Will, his family, and my friends.

After my engagement, I always picked the easy way out. With Will...

"You're engaged to Kaden?" Will fumed with hurt and betrayal in his eyes. We were alone in the greenhouse, free to argue without prying ears.

There were so many things I wanted to say, but instead I went with words I knew would cause my best friend to despise me. "Yes Will." I rolled my eyes. "The ring kinda says it all."

"What about us? What about our promise?"

I needed to cut it, the last string. Steren's were many things, loyalty was one, Secret keepers and Cruel were the others. Would he see I was going to be cruel in order to protect him? Probably not, even years down the road what I would say would probably haunt him and he'll never know why I acted the way I did. "That was a promise children made. Things change."

"Like your feelings?" The pain shining in his eyes was almost too much, almost enough to make me cave. To almost risk my life and his.

"Feelings change, Will. It was a childish fantasy, nothing more."

His face twisted in anger, an expression that never was pointed at me. "Fuck you, Grey." He stormed off and I watched him leave.

I didn't run after him like I should have. Our friendship tattered and frayed like a worn ribbon. It took over a year to fix what had been broken and even then it was never like it was...

Raf, Cadence, Will, and I were on a mission to put down some demons wreaking havoc. Still angered by my betrayal, Will was partnered with Cay while I was with his brother. It was going well until we discovered the building we had followed a small group into was swarmed with them. We did our best to thin the numbers but were easily overwhelmed.

On the retreat, Will ended up being separated from us. "Shit, where's Will?" Cay cried, looking behind us in one of the many hallways.

"He was right behind me." Raf combed his fingers through his hair with slight panic in his voice. We tensed as soon as we heard loud growls coming towards us.

"We need to go after hi- Grey, what are you doing?"

"Finding Will." I shouted over my shoulder. "Get out of here, I'll make sure he gets out safe." Or die trying. Within seconds I was sulking the halls, hiding in the shadows and climbing when I needed to. For some reason I was compelled not to let Will know I was finding and helping him. Thus I cleared his way and protected him as he ran to an exit. Knowing he was safe, I regrouped with the others only moments before he found them.

On the way back Raf dropped back with me. "I don't get you two. He's clearly icing you out almost in a cruel way, why did you help him?"

"Just because we are fighting doesn't mean I won't protect him."

Fixing our friendship took years. I rarely initiated the interactions and I watched as Will blamed himself for our shattered relationship. I wanted to tell him that it was my fault, that I was the reason but couldn't. It would have ruined everything. Eventually instead of fixing things I broke. Instead of standing up, I finally gave in to my situation. I no longer cared what happened to me as long as my friends and family were safe.

I lost good friends to ones I cared nothing for. I walked along the path laid out for me without fighting. My smile faded to one of practiced happiness until one day even I could not longer tell if I meant it or not. I became nothing more than a human doll...

Kaden and I arrived at yet another party I had no desire to attend. I was the pretty thing on his arm to make everyone jealous. A stunning beauty for all to envy. I smiled politely and conversed in a a manner that foretold of years of practice. When appropriate, I offered comments or opinions backed with facts earning a higher standing among people with every word spoken. Kaden beamed proudly at how I conducted myself, often bragging about my intelligence and grace. I often wanted to bash my head against a wall.

We had been engaged for a year and a half when he started hinting and then blatantly talking about the next level of our relationship. I made the mistake once to comment how I didn't even want a relationship, never again did I speak such words. With the combination of fear, guilt, and overall not caring about my fate anymore, I finally gave in to his desires. After the party where I greatly pleased him, he took me to bed; a reward for wonderful behavior. He saw it as a reward, I saw it as yet another task to do in our forced relationship.

I remembered my mind drifting to the last time I had sex. I wasn't in a bed covered in soft silk, it wasn't on an expensive bed, and it wasn't with a man I was pretending was someone else. Unbeknownst to Kaden I fantasized about everything that wasn't him. I suppose I was lucky I was never a vocal lover or my life would have probably turned out differently. Everything was far better in my head than in reality.

What had my life become?

Coward. My new label that betrayed my family. We were supposed to be strong, able to overcome any trouble and yet here I was seeking a coward's death. I laughed to myself again. I did not deserve a martyr's death.