Why I Killed My Own

"Good afternoon, Grey." Mr. Magnus greeted cheerily. I groaned to myself as my head fell and bashed into the table. "None of that. I'm here on more urgent business than to try and get you to confess to me." He was egging me on. I knew he was, he always did that sort of thing. It was always entertaining to watch him get on Mr. Alec's nerves. You couldn't resist him when he offered temptation such as this. What was more important than getting me to confess my sins? My finger tapped on my leg as I waited for him to continue.

"What do you want, Mr. Magnus?" I was tired, but still a small part of me was curious. I picked my head up just in time for him to snatch my chin. "Mr. Mag-"

"Alexander was right, how curious." He stared into my eyes as if seeing into my soul. I didn't like it, it was too black and soiled. "Should I assume you know that you are cursed?" I jerked back nearly toppling my chair. "By your guarded expression I am assuming you do. Your left eye is marked. To the untrained eye nothing is out of the ordinary, but upon closer inspection just inside there is a binding rune. A terrible binding rune." His eyes saddened. "I am sorry Grey for never noticing it before."

Finally I spoke, no longer caring the cat was out of the bag anymore. "How could you?"

"I am a warlock, I should have noticed. How long have you been cursed?" I didn't say anything knowing better. "I thought so." He was quiet for a moment before slowly explaining, "I can relieve you of this curse, however from what I can tell it is deeply embedded into you... It could kill you."

"I'm dead anyway." I replied quietly. "Through trial by jury or sword, I am a dead girl walking. Might as well try." I didn't care anymore.

"Shall we then?" It had apparently all been set up with the help of Mr. Alec and Max. "This is going to hurt." He warned.

What else is new? "Do it." And so the pain began. Mr. Magnus placed a hand on me head and started his chanting. At first it felt as though I had something in my eye, but slowly the pressure built until it spread to my head and eventually my body. It felt as though I was being crushed from the inside out. At first I silently screamed, then the pressure grew and I let out a glass shattering scream.

At some point Mr. Alec offered his strength and support as Mr. Magnus continued to chant with more power and will. His voice grew deeper with power and my screams echoed through the halls. My eyes were the first to start bleeding. Red thick liquid ran down my cheeks as my eyes glowed a molten gold. My left eyes slowly shifted black. It started by corrupting the gold of my iris and spread lazily through the white. As my eye darkened with the curse, my nose started to bleed soon followed by my ears. Pain was all I knew and it was almost worse than the years I spent lying to everyone I loved.

An unknown amount of time later, the black bled out of my eye like the red liquid once did. It slid down my cheek until it spattered on the ground with a loud splat. After my eye cleared all of the curse and it landed on the ground, Mr. Magnus fell tiredly into Alec while I collapsed onto the ground. For the first time in years, nothing except darkness greeted me.

I woke handcuffed to a hospital room with no other occupants; I was alone. I was free. I no longer had a curse that prevented me from speaking truths I had long thought impossible to say. I curled on my side trying not to fall apart.

"I see you're up." I turned my head to see a nurse walking in with a tray of food. "If you need anything just call." She turned to go after placing the plate on the table beside me,

"I want no visitors except my defendant... and Mr. Alec Lightwood-Bane." I requested just loud enough for her to hear me. I returned to the fetal position. My world was crashing down on me again. Like it had when I was sixteen, when I was forcibly engaged to Kaden and ruined my relationship with everyone I knew. I lost everything in one night and kept falling further down until I ended up here.

I could hear people outside. Some friends, some probably foes. The only ones I would see were my doctor, nurse, defendant, and Mr. Alec. Even then I rarely spoke because there was too much, where would I begin? Mr. Alec and my defendant were talking as I stared at the wall like I had all day. I was only half paying attention due to the chaos in my head. Finally I said, "I'll do trial by sword. No one can question me then."

"Are you sure?" My defendant asked with worry coloring his voice.

"Yes." With that I responded no more until my trial which was held the next day. Dressed in plain grey clothes, I walked to the middle of the circular room. Most of the legal aged Shadowshunters sat to hear what I had to say. Many shouted, furious at my betrayal while others sat quietly wanting to know the truth. Everything would come to light, it was trial by sword after all.

"I am Inquisitor Lightwood, I will be presiding over today's trial. Ms. Grey Steren has requested trial by sword which is within her right. Everyone will remain silent as the trial is conducted. The trial has begun." Inquisitor Lightwood turned and grasped the Mortal Sword in his hand then turned to me. "You have been accused of murdering Kaden Borrowman, Faith Evergreen, Thomas Willowson, Celia Smitherson, and Michael Costello. How do you plea?"

I stared at the sword. The object always sent a wave of fear and curiosity through me, I'd never thought I would be partaking in its use. I closed my eyes reciting the one litany that had gotten me through many trial and tribulations. I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. Then I breathed out, "Guilty." The room erupted causing a look of annoyance to cross my judges face.

"Silence!" Inquisitor Lightwood's voice boomed through the room. It took a few seconds, but soon there was silence. "As is your right, you are allowed to defend yourself. As you have requested Trial by Sword, you will relay your side via the Mortal Sword. Take hold of it." He held it out and waited. With slight hesitation, my hand slowly reached out and took half of the hilt. It instantly bonded to my hand with the creepy magic that it held. "Miss Steren, please start at the beginning."

The beginning? Which one? The very beginning when I first moved to New York? When I was forced into this betrothal? Or When I killed them? "Which beginning, sir? The day I... Killed them? Or when this all began?"

"The night of the murder, please."

If you wish...

The engagement party had gone well. Everyone had been lovely and all major disasters had been avoided. We were to meet everyone in the main hall to celebrate another year of the Accords being successful. Downworlders and Shadowhunters still living in peace since the fall of Valentine and his son. Kaden and I had just said farewell to the last of the guests and getting ready for the gathering. He brought up my partnership with Will.

"What do you plan on doing after we're married?" Kaden asked as he tied his striped tie.

I paused in pulling up my dress black pants. "What do you mean?"

"Your job."

Sometimes he made me feel as though I was the slowest person in existence. "Continue hunting?"

"Can't you be a teacher or something?"

"No, why does it matter?"

"Because it does." His voice raised as he snapped at me.

"Great explanation." I replied sarcastically. "I'm remaining a hunter, it's what I've been trained to be."

"Then find a new partner."

"What?!"

"You are not remaining partners with that traitorous family."

I glared, "How are the Lightwood-Bane's traitors?"

"Shadowhunters and Downworlders are not supposed to intermingle, especially if they are homosexuals."

"There is nothing wrong with the parents being gay or being two different denominations. I am remaining Will's partner."

"No you are not. My wife will not be partners with him." He growled.

"That is where you are wrong. We have always been hunting partners and we will continue to be partners."

He slapped me across the face. "I have allowed you to remain friends with him. I will not let him try to sway you away from me with his 'only partners' bullshit. You are to end your partnership with him and you will no longer be seeing him. All contact will be severed once we are wed. Do you understand?"

"Screw you, I've done everything you've asked of me thus far, I am not severing my ties with Will after I've finally rebuilt our friendship."

"You will do as I say!"

"No!" I was tired of all the shit he had put me through. I vomited my feelings without meaning to. "Just because I'm forced to marry you doesn't mean I've suddenly stopped loving him. I'm remaining partners with him no matter what you say."

With another slap to my face, he grabbed a fist full of hair and shoved me in the closet. "I knew I should have gotten rid of him and his dirty ilk when I had a chance. I'll make sure to record every agonizing minute of their suffering just for you." Then he shut the door and locked it. I screamed for him to let me out. For a few minutes I genuinely panicked at being locked in a small closet before calming down.

There was a shift in me, one that I had never felt. I'd seen it on many hunter's faces as they prepared to kill a monster. It was a part of you that was all primal, you ran on instinct. Everything slowed as my emotions were pushed back to the furthermost corner of my mind and the only thing that mattered was to protect my own; I was going in for the kill. I popped the hinges off the door, slipped on a black hoodie, sneakers, and grabbed a knife, my bow, and five arrows. My training kicked in as I ran to the main building and started hunting down my prey. I slipped in easy enough and spotted four of my five victims. They were most likely waiting on the fifth to strike. Searching for the missing member, I found her walking down one of the second floor corridors. I could hear Max's voice as he talked to another person. Running silently like a cat, I grabbed Celia from behind and dragged her into the closest room. Within seconds my knife slipped in between her ribs and sheathed itself into her heart. She couldn't even cry out as she quickly bled out. Dropping her on the floor, I slipped the knife into my belt and continued on my way. I had only a few seconds before the others would realize something was up.

I had just stepped out the door when from the corner of my eye I saw blue. I turned to see Max staring at me in shock. I knew he saw the bloody knife at my hip and the weapons in my hands. This was supposed to be a peaceful gathering which meant no weapons. Before his shock could wear off, I clenched my jaw and sprinted towards the main hall. Without a second I ran to the railing and rapidly fired the four arrows, leaving one in the same hand as my compound bow. I looked down as my asshole of a fiance and 'friends' fell almost instantly dead in a pool of their own blood.

"Kaden, with the help of his friends Faith, Thomas, Celia, and Michael, planned on killing the Lightwood-Bane family with a specially brewed poison that would make it look as though they had caught something and died from complications." I summarized.

"How were they to enact their plan?" The Inquisitor asked as he gave the rumbling crowd a glare.

I stared at the sword in my hand, afraid to look anywhere else. "Each had a small needle on them with the potent poison on it. They situated themselves so one of the family members was within touching distance."

"Why would he try to kill the Lightwood-Bane family? If he wanted to hurt you, shouldn't he have tried to kill your mother or sister?"

You would think. "He liked my family, he did not like Lightwood-Bane's."

"Why?"

"He was not only against a permanent relationship between Downworlders and Shadowhunters and homosexuality, but he especially did not like my partnership with Will... William Lightwood-Bane."

"He was aware you two were approached about being Parabatai?"

"Yes."

"Why would he have a problem with you being Mr. Lightwwod-Bane's partner?"

"He was a jealous and possessive man."

"Did he have reason to be?"

I paused before saying in a clear voice, "Yes."

"For the last time Kaden, I WILL NOT MARRY YOU!" I cried, beyond frustrated with the man proposing every other day.

"Why not?" He growled.

"Because I don't like you that way. You're a vile creature that needs to learn the meaning of no."

"Is there someone else?"

My cheeks lit up as I snapped, "That's known of your business." I crossed my arms over my chest, beyond done with our long exhausted argument.

"You do." He accused as if I was cheating on him. "You bitch." His eyes narrowed. "I bet it's that piece of trash Will Light whatever."

"Don't say anything bad about, Will!" I yelled ready to lunge.

My reaction pissed him off more. "So it is him. Boys!" He snapped his fingers and before I knew it, two young men restrained me. "Here's the thing, you are going to marry me whether you like it or not."

"Over my dead body!"

He tisked me as if I was a silly child, "More like your dead boyfriend's body." My face paled at the implication. "And his filthy half-breed family."

"You wouldn't."

"I would." He held up a small vile of clear liquid. "This lovely concoction will mimic a terrible viral infection that hits too fast for any of their body's natural defenses to fight off. The mage will be too weak to try and use magic and within 12 hours say buh-bye to your beloved friends."

"Warlock. Why are you telling me this? I'll just tell someone."

He gave a wicked grin as he replied, "Ah, but you won't. See not only do I have this beauty but also this one." He held up a second vile that was filled with black sludge. "You won't be able to say anything because this curse will put you through excruciating pain if you try to say something I don't want you to. You will wish for death but it will never come."

"NO!" I struggled, but all for naught. Kaden's two friends held me down as he poured the curse into my left eye and spoke the incantation that would activate it. I was under his control and I couldn't tell anyone why.

"He cursed me into marrying him. If I tried to tell anyone about what he planned on doing, I would be in so much pain I would wish for death. Every time I tried to even say a word that was associated with his plan, I would start to develop a mind splitting headache that became worse with each try."

"And the proof of your curse?"

"Mr. Magnus, Alec, and Max Lightwood-Bane were in the room along with my Defendant when I was freed of it. Mr. Magnus was the one to break the curse. I ended up in the hospital afterwards, you can ask the staff."

"They will be questioned after. I still do not understand, why the Lightwood-Bane family and not your own?"

"As I said, Kaden did not like my relationship with the Lightwood-Bane family, especially Will."

"Why? You two were close from what I understand, but that happens when Shadowhunters are partners."

Without hesitation, my eyes moved up from the sword to stare into his eyes. "Because I love Will and could and never would love Kaden." A gasp rippled through the crowd as the Inquisitor looked at me in shock. It really shouldn't have been that surprising. "I would never do for him what I would my best friend. I sure as hell wouldn't willing kill a threat for him." I sighed as bone deep fatigue washed over me. "Do as you will, I don't care anymore."

The silence was deafening, only broken when my judge asked, "Anything else you would like to say?"

"I killed to protect, my only regret in killing Kaden is that his mother had to find out this way. I liked her, she was always kind to me... I've protected the people I love, now I just want it to end. I'm done." My eyes as I spoke returned to the sword in my hand. What would it feel like to become its sheath? To finally be at peace? I've finally confessed, would my soul be able to rest now?

"Thank you. A few more questions, Ms. Steren. Up to this point you have said that he cursed you into marrying him and he planned on forbidding you from remaining hunting partners with Mr. William Lightwood-Bane." I nodded. "Please describe the years in between."

I gave a hallowed slightly hysteric laugh, "He manipulated..."

"Don't make me to something you'll regret, Grey." Kaden gave a sweet smile. "I have my friends on speed dial."

"He isolated me from my friends..."

"We are going to the gala tomorrow." Kaden informed as he walked into the kitchen.

"I can't, I'm hanging out with friends." I replied reading over the receipt for the ninth time.

He jerked my chin to look at him. "Then cancel, we are going to the gala together."

~~

I was talking with a small group of my friends when Kaden came up behind me. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but Grey I need you to meet some people." I was once again whisked away to people I didn't care for or want to meet.

~~

"I can't, I'm sorry." I wanted to cry as I turned down yet another invitation to go out. "I'm taste testing some food options for the wedding."

"Isn't it in a year and a half?" Melody asked.

"Yes, but we [he] want to get it out of the way so the last few months are less stressful."

"I understand, maybe next time." There were very few next times.

~~

"I'm going out." I shouted, slipping on my shoes.

"We have reservations in an hour to a restaurant." I proceeded to drop my shoes. There was no point in arguing.

~~

"This is all your fault!" How many times had I heard that? Too many, I started believing it.

~~

"It was a childish fantasy, nothing more."

"Fuck you, Grey."

"He was cruel..."

"You look like a cheap whore. You can't go out like that."

"Are you trying to make me look bad?"

"You are such a clumsy bitch! Clean that up, I don't even want to look at you right now."

"What is this? It taste like you're feeding me dog shit. You are useless!"

"People may think you're a great hunter, but you aren't. You're nothing but a useless little girl who will get someone killed."

"I don't even know why someone would want to partner with you, you can't do anything right."

"Go put makeup on, I don't want to be seen with you looking like that."

"Useless."

"Ugly."

"All you're good for is to be passed around. Be happy I don't do that."

"How could anyone love you?"

"He whittled me down until I went through the motions of life..."

I cleaned, I trained, and I sat on some surface wondering how my life came to be as it was. Each time the answer was known and deeper my depression grew. I no longer knew what to do except listen to Kaden and fight on occasion when I had the strength.

"I smiled when it was expected of me. I attended affairs I had no interest in going to. I talked to people I had no desire to speak with on topic I found dull. My solace was training and missions, but eventually even they grew few and far between. My life revolved around putting on a show for Kaden, everyone I knew, and myself."

"Wasn't there a way for you to tell someone what was going on?"

I thought back, maybe there was but I could not think of anyway for this path to have played out differently. They say hindsight is 20/20, but at this point I was too blind to see any alternatives. "Not that I am aware of. I was a 16 year old girl cursed with one of her fears exposed and played upon. He knew I would never let anything happen to Will and his family. I would do anything to protect them. He bought my silence with threats towards physical harm to me and death of loved ones. It spiraled from there until I am what you see before you... A caged animal that's only purpose was to make sure everyone else was safe."

"And yourself?"

"Do I honestly look like I care about what happens to me? I murdered five people out in the open when I have the training and skill set to take them out without anyone knowing it was me." I wish to greet Death like an old elusive friend.

"Why didn't you do something about Mr. Barrowman before tonight?"

"Kill him earlier?" A dark smile spread across my lips as I look up from under my lashes. I had thought about it many times. Even an accident would have been blamed on me. "Same problem, there were four others that would have completed the job and would have blamed me for his death. Different scenario, but same ending. I would have had to kill all of them to end this, I don't think there was any other way. Kaden never would have let me go. I was nothing more than an object he knew he could truly never have and wanted to make sure no one else could either. He liked rubbing it in my face that he could jerk me around like a marionette."

"With the way you speak, why do you think we should believe anything you say? Your sanity has been questioned."

I barked out a laugh because really they were only now questioning how sane I was. "I'm holding the Mortal Sword for one thing. I can only speak truths with it."

"But they could be your truths even though they are not the reality."

"Touche, but have you tested the needles or knives the five victims had on them? I know you've found curious objects on their persons. I wasn't the only one with murder on my mind when I walked into that building."

"That's a serious accusation."

"What else do I have to lose? You either find me guilty and execute me or I get life in prison which the latter is unlikely. Or I am free and I live with my depression and guilt for the rest of my life. I told you, I don't care anymore. Judge me as you please, I won't fight you on your decision." I went silent, no longer wishing to answer anymore.

Sensing my muteness henceforth, the Inquisitor walked forward. "You have spoken in your defense, we shall question witnesses and your sentence will be given in two days time." He took the sword from my hand and turned. I watched with some longing. I wanted my fate now, but instead the room erupted and I was escorted back to my cell. I informed the guard I wanted no visitors unless it was about my sentence.

I found myself once more with my back against the wall. Now everyone knew...