Why I Killed My Own

"The Defendant, Ms. Grey Steren, has been charged with murder of the third degree for killing Kaden Borrowman, Faith Evergreen, Thomas Willowson, Celia Smitherson, and Michael Costello. After much deliberation after her confession via Trial by Sword and interviewing several witnesses, I have found Miss Steren guilty of Justifiable Homicide." As most of the room erupted into shouts of anger, my breathing stopped. I had never considered this verdict an option. I was either guilty or not, a grey area was something I never would have thought about. "Silence!" Inquisitor Lightwood waited for the people to settle before continuing. "Due to the nature of the homicide, Ms. Steren will neither be executed for her crimes nor sentenced to jail time. However, she will be henceforth on probation until stated otherwise. Ms. Steren."

I stood in my shocked state and asked, "Yes, Inquisitor Lightwood?"

"As part of your probation you are to attend odd day counseling, your are not allowed on missions until cleared by your psychologist, and must have a chaperon whenever whenever you go somewhere." Great, I was being leashed... "You may not carry any weapons on your person and must be monitored if you decide to practice."

Without thinking I questioned, "You fear I am a danger to others?"

He looked at me and simply replied, "I believe you are a danger to yourself. If you do not follow these rules, you will become a person of the state and checked into a house where you will be watched 24/7. Do you understand these stipulations?"

"Yes."

"Do you agree to these terms?"

"Yes, Inquisitor Lightwood."

"This trial is adjourned. Case dismissed." He turned and left, leaving a semi angry crowd and me not knowing what to do.

"Grey, this way please." My defendant ushered me out of the room quickly and into one of the interrogation rooms. "How are you feeling?" I shrugged. Honestly I was shocked numb. I'm free... What do I do now? "You are free to go anywhere within reason. Where would you like to go? Would you like me to get anyone for you?"

I sat on the table for a few seconds staring out into the fading sky. "I... I want to go home..."

"Is there anyone you want me to get or should I find someone assigned to you?"

Who should I call for? I wasn't ready to see my mom or sister. After everything I wouldn't be able to handle them falling apart, blaming themselves for the shit I pulled. "Mr. Magnus, please." Marcus nodded and left me alone. A little longer... Not yet... I wrapped my arms around myself suddenly feeling cold.

"You rang, Grey." I turned to find Mr. Magnus smiling from the doorway. "What do you need?"

"I want to go home. Back to New York, please. But I don't want to see anyone." My voice was small, tired.

"Understood. Do you have anything you want to get?"

I thought for a moment, what did I have in the house Kaden had bought? Nothing, I left anything important back at the Academy. Well, except my bow, but I wasn't allowed it. "No... Nothing."

He nodded. "Alright, let me inform the Inquisitor and we can leave. Do you want Alexander to also come? Anyone?" I shook my head. I needed to be alone. My hands were already beginning to shake.

"Then I shall be right back." Half an hour later he returned ready to smuggle me out. "Ready?" I nodded and followed after him. We didn't speak as we walked through deliberately empty halls. A portal waited for us. He turned to look at me. "We will be entering my apartment instead of the Institute since I don't believe you want to see anyone right now. Ready?"

"Yes. Thank you, Mr. Magnus for everything." I wanted to cry.

"You are most welcome. Come." He stepped through first and was waiting for me when I came out the other side. "You know the place. Not much has changed since the last time you were here. I can take you to the Institute or you can stay here for the night."

"Here, please." I knew I looked terrible, but I didn't particularly care. I just wanted to go to sleep. "Why are you helping me?" I don't deserve it...

He looked at me surprised as if helping me was as natural as doing magic. "Should I not be?"

I felt myself ready to fall a part as I choked out, "I've been cruel to all of you. I don't deser-"

"You have been protecting my family without me or any of them knowing." He held my face in his hands gently causing me to hurt more. "This is the least I can do. If anything had happened to Alexander, Max, Rafael, or William, I would be beyond devastated. There would be no helping me." His dark eyes looked straight into mine as if once again he was looking into me soul. "Thank you Grey, for protecting us."

"I didn't do a very good job. Look what happened." I began sobbing, my legs threatening to collapse. "Will hated me for years, I put him through so much unnecessary pain. I hurt all of you. I lied to everyone. I'm all sorts of fucked up to the point the Inquisitor believes I'm a danger to myself. And I killed my own kin. I'm a traitor. I'm broken." Mr. Magnus let me cry into his shoulder until I was too exhausted to do anything but lean into him.

"Let us get you to bed. I will not let anyone disturb you." He escorted me to the spare room that had virtually been mine when I was younger. Old pictures were still scattered around of when the cousins and I were almost inseparable from each other. As I started drifting, he departed with, "Everything will be fine. Kintsukurio. Goodnight, Grey."

A few days later I still hadn't seen many people. I wasn't ready for the anger I knew would come or everyone blaming themselves and trying to pass the blame from me to them. I knew it was coming. After a terrible truth comes out everyone feels responsible. Why didn't I see it? How did I not know Kaden was a terrible person? How could I not see through the facade you were putting on? Blaah I didn't want to hear it and I didn't want them to treat me like a porcelain doll. I was broken, but people acting as if anything could set me off would cause my anxiety to be worse. I was already experiencing panic and anxiety attacks daily, I didn't need people acting erratic around me.

The sessions were a start. Of the two times I had gone, only one I spoke at. The person didn't seem particularly phased by my silence, but rather waited me out. I left without saying a word and all he said was, "I'll see you in two days, I'm going to ask a few questions. You don't have to answer." I was a trauma patient, he understood it was going to take time. Unlike some people he seemed to understand that I still saw myself as a person to blame not a victim if a terrible circumstance.

I was silently walking through the Institute when I heard talking. Knowing I shouldn't eavesdrop, I pressed my back necked to the wall and listened. My mother was crying. She missed me and wanted us to talk, hug, and work through what had happened. The other adult (adults) were comforting her, saying I needed some time to work through things on my own before I could with others. They weren't wrong, but they missed the part about the anxiety it caused me to talk to them about what I had done. How do you talk to someone freely again when all you did for years was lie? It was terrifying thought. Not even the Litany Over Fear could help me.

Unable to hear anymore and feeling the guilt of causing my mother more pain, I pushed off the wall and made my way to the greenhouse. I walked the floor touching most of the leaves as I passed. The aroma was soothing, it was a place I missed almost as much as the archery range. I ended up on the spiral staircase thinking back to when I was eleven when my only trouble was perfecting my skills and telling Will I didn't want to be his Parabatai.

Suddenly I heard off key singing. "Do you want to build a snowman? It doesn't have to be a snow man." I tensed, a mix of wanting to laugh and also flee coursing through me. "Grey. I know you're in here. People are asking where you've been They say "have courage", and I'm trying to I'm right out here for you, just let me in. We only have each other, it's just you and me What are we gonna do?
Do you wanna build a Snowman?"

I stood knowing that out of everyone Will deserved an apology. At my movement, he turned to look up at me. "There isn't any snow."

He frowned at my logic. "I bet my Papa could make it snow if we really wanted it." As much as I didn't want to, I ended up letting a giggle out. "How are you doing Grey?" He stayed where he was at the bottom of the staircase, slightly off to the side in case I wished to run. His eyes had softened, saddened.

I looked down at him with pain and guilt causing my gut to turn. A lie was on my lips, the same lie I had told thousands of time. I almost spoke them, the words I knew he would never believe. Instead I looked up trying not to let the tears fall and replied, "Not good. I feel like I can't breathe." With the truth spoke I started hyperventilating with tears pouring down my cheeks. As Will's arms wrapped around me, I held on to his shirt trying to use him as an anchor. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I repeated the words over and over again until they bled into each other and became nothing more than sobs.

"I'm sorry too." He whispered back. "I should-"

"Please, not you too." I pulled back with tears still running down my ruddy cheeks. "This wasn't your fault. It was all mine."

"Grey," His hand cupped my cheek as his thumb stroked it. "Let me say my peace so we can argue some, cry a lot, and start moving on. Please?" I nodded steeling myself for what he had to say. "I should have noticed, I should have known you weren't alright. I knew you better than anyone. You wouldn't have kept feelings for another from me. You would have been upfront about it. I knew something was wrong, but I was hurt and not thinking. Even when I was pissed I watched you. You changed so much and yet I didn't think anything of it. I was selfish." He placed his thumb over my lips when I went to protest. Tears streaking his cheek. "No matter what, you never would have went along with half the shit you did. You hate grand parties. You never wanted an extravagant wedding. You love going on missions and yet even after we returned to being partners we rarely went on any because of some stupid excuse. Kaden was a possessive bastard, I should have realized you wouldn't willingly go along with everything he did to you. I should have known better because I know you." He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry for not being there for you or realizing that you were suffering. Please forgive me."

I let out another sob. "Of course, Will. Always."

He pulled me into a hug. "More importantly thank you. Thank you for protecting my family when we were unaware of the trouble we were in."

I held on tight after years of not being able to hug him freely finally came to an end. "Always. Now and forever, I will always watch out for you, your dads, and your brothers."

"I know, and I should have remembered sooner." We sat on the spiral staircase crying in each other's arms. For the first time in years hope was starting to bloom within me.

~~Three Years Later~~

"Why are we here again?" I complained while Will dragged me through the streets of Idris.

"To prove we are a badass team and all should bow down to our awesomeness." He rolled his eyes not letting go of my hand knowing I would try to slip away.

"But they already know and I doubt anyone wants me here." A pout formed on my lips. "They'll probably think I'll shoot up the arena or something."

Will turned with a Cheshire grin. "You think the other teams will be too afraid to compete with us?"

"You are a terrible person, you know that?"

"But I'm your terrible person. Come on, we don't want to be late. That'd be awkward." He started running, dragging me along at a faster rate. Once inside we registered, pinned our number to our clothes, and went to stand in the giant gym with the dozens of other teams competing.

"It sucks your dad and uncle aren't competing this year. We could totally take their crown." I commented as I tried not to think about the eyes focused on me.

"Right? I bet they don't want the embarrassment of us taking it from them." He wrapped his arms around me and leaned in near my ear. "Everything's fine, I'm right here."

"I already had my panic attack quota for the day, thank you." I mumbled.

"And we don't want another one, although it would be funny-"

"How would it be funny?" I turned with a glare.

"Think about it, everyone else will be all hey look at that team, one of them is having a panic attack and then BAM we whoop their asses. It'd be great."

"Our definitions of great are quite different." He shrugged with a grin. "Why am I your partner again?"

"Because darling, we were made for each other. Where I am loud Shadowhunter who draws all the attention to myself, you are a stealthy master archer that drops more enemies than any other long distance fighter I know. We go together like peanut butter and banana."

"Do we now?" I smiled. I leaned up with my lips centimeters from his. "And which am I?"

He pressed his forehead to mine as he replied, "You're the peanut butter because you keep everything together. I'm a mushy mess that gets sweeter with time."

I let out a laugh, "Do you now?"

"Yes."

"Can't disagree with you there." I closed the gap only pulling back to whisper. "You are a mess. Have you seen your side of the room?" This time he laughed, hiding his face in my neck. I smiled, I was finally moving forward. Some days more slowly than others, but still moving.