I'm a Bird
One
Sometimes I wish I could fly. I wonder what it would be like to feel the wind rushing past and to see the world below become so small beneath me. How would it feel to do a barrel roll in the sky? Would I scream or would I laugh?
Lost in my own thoughts I walk through the doors to the main building and pass silently through the hall. No one even sees me and I wonder, if they did see me, do I look as lonely as I feel? Can they see it on my face? Would they even care? I find this to be doubtful as I take my seat near the window and pull out my notebook. I doodle while class drags me through time.
I begin to wonder again, can anyone see how I feel and does it matter? Do they care? My mother has said that I always look like I'm lost, or that I look pale, that maybe I should eat something. I wouldn't know what a lost person would look like except maybe scared. Even though I may not know what it feels like to be lost, but something I do know is how it feels to have lost something, well, someone.
I never used to be as alone as I am now. I did at one point in time have a friend, but I guess he knew what it felt like to be lost; because it felt like he lost himself. And one day, tired of feeling lost, he decided he no longer wanted to wake up. So maybe I am lost, because I've never felt the same. Some I suppose would call what I feel a broken heart. But Coby didn't break my heart, he shattered it. He shattered everything; my heart, my trust, my happiness, our friendship. All as if it were nothing more than a cheap piece of dinnerware. Sometimes I think that maybe he even took a piece of my soul with his as he flew through the world above to wherever he was going.
The rest of the day is just a fog that I have felt my way through, grasping onto the walls around me to keep me grounded and to guide me along. I think Coby was my light, and he was my guide through this fog. That sounds so depressing, but he was, after all, my only friend. To be honest he was the only person aside from family to ever even give me a chance. The only one I can remember that spoke to me without feeling like they had to.
Walking home has become the loneliest part of the day, if only because there is no sound around me. No hustle or bustle, just the overly-calming silence and shuffle of my own feet. As I come to the beginning of the bridge I lift myself onto the ledge. Inhaling sharply, I lift my arms and spread them as if they were wings. Wind rushes under me and the sides of my open hoodie flap at my sides. Smiling, I walk forward, heel to toe, and pretend I am a bird.
If anyone could see me now in this moment, would they be able to see exactly how I feel? Maybe someone who has never experienced grief or loss would think that maybe I'm a lunatic. Quite possibly even psychotic? A thrill seeker? No, I am just a bird. I throw my bag onto the road and stare out ahead taking the deepest breaths. Arms still spread like wings, I start to laugh. I'm a bird. "I'm a bird!" I scream at the top of my lungs. It makes me feel better. Because I am a bird and Coby may be an angel, or maybe he's a dragonfly, in the way that they move so quickly through the air. If you look away you could lose them forever.
Lost in my own thoughts I walk through the doors to the main building and pass silently through the hall. No one even sees me and I wonder, if they did see me, do I look as lonely as I feel? Can they see it on my face? Would they even care? I find this to be doubtful as I take my seat near the window and pull out my notebook. I doodle while class drags me through time.
I begin to wonder again, can anyone see how I feel and does it matter? Do they care? My mother has said that I always look like I'm lost, or that I look pale, that maybe I should eat something. I wouldn't know what a lost person would look like except maybe scared. Even though I may not know what it feels like to be lost, but something I do know is how it feels to have lost something, well, someone.
I never used to be as alone as I am now. I did at one point in time have a friend, but I guess he knew what it felt like to be lost; because it felt like he lost himself. And one day, tired of feeling lost, he decided he no longer wanted to wake up. So maybe I am lost, because I've never felt the same. Some I suppose would call what I feel a broken heart. But Coby didn't break my heart, he shattered it. He shattered everything; my heart, my trust, my happiness, our friendship. All as if it were nothing more than a cheap piece of dinnerware. Sometimes I think that maybe he even took a piece of my soul with his as he flew through the world above to wherever he was going.
The rest of the day is just a fog that I have felt my way through, grasping onto the walls around me to keep me grounded and to guide me along. I think Coby was my light, and he was my guide through this fog. That sounds so depressing, but he was, after all, my only friend. To be honest he was the only person aside from family to ever even give me a chance. The only one I can remember that spoke to me without feeling like they had to.
Walking home has become the loneliest part of the day, if only because there is no sound around me. No hustle or bustle, just the overly-calming silence and shuffle of my own feet. As I come to the beginning of the bridge I lift myself onto the ledge. Inhaling sharply, I lift my arms and spread them as if they were wings. Wind rushes under me and the sides of my open hoodie flap at my sides. Smiling, I walk forward, heel to toe, and pretend I am a bird.
If anyone could see me now in this moment, would they be able to see exactly how I feel? Maybe someone who has never experienced grief or loss would think that maybe I'm a lunatic. Quite possibly even psychotic? A thrill seeker? No, I am just a bird. I throw my bag onto the road and stare out ahead taking the deepest breaths. Arms still spread like wings, I start to laugh. I'm a bird. "I'm a bird!" I scream at the top of my lungs. It makes me feel better. Because I am a bird and Coby may be an angel, or maybe he's a dragonfly, in the way that they move so quickly through the air. If you look away you could lose them forever.