Elastic Heart

It happened in the third grade. His class was on a field trip to the zoo and everything was going perfectly. It was a bright sunny day and his mom, on top of the crisp ten dollar bill sealed in an envelope that he had handed to Ms. Williams on the bus, had packed him two juice boxes with a pack of oreos. There wasn’t many other schools visiting the zoo either, despite it being a Friday. That meant his class got to spend a whole extra twenty minutes inside the alligator exhibit, which also meant everyone in his class would have time to be able to participate in the ‘Gator Hug’ after the Gator Handling Show. To say he was excited to be able to actually touch a reptile of this size was an understatement. Alex was convinced today was the best day of his eight year old life. Everything was going perfectly. He was one of the kids towards the back of the line because Ms. Williams thought it would be more organized to have them line up alphabetically. But that was okay because he was going to touch an alligator. A real living alligator.
He was in the middle of an animated conversation with Adam when it happened. He was telling him about the two different classifications of the reptile and how they are often refereed to as living fossils considering how long they have been on earth. He was a spirited schoolboy and when he became passionate about something - which ranged from alligators to the different colored chalk they used in math class- no one could get him to stop. Today was perfect and he was making sure Adam and Amanda, who had poked her way into the conversation (like the nosy little bitch she is), were aware of it. He was speaking loudly to compensate for the noise surrounding them. Ms. Williams was instructing everyone to be patient and wait in line because the anxious third graders were getting impatient for their turn. The bird exhibit was in the area adjacent to this and so they had a clear shot of all the squawking and chirping going on. Not to mention the fact they were close to the gift shop so they were also able to hear all the commotion taking place. A lot of kids were crying because they were scared the alligator was going to have their arms for lunch, but not him. When it was almost his turn, one of the rangers stopped by their group to remind them of the rules.

“I know you’re all super excited to be meeting Draco but just a reminder there are some rules!” The ranger chirped and he was cut short, turning away from Amanda and Adam to pay attention. Not that he needed it, he was a gator expert, but he knew his classmates weren’t and he wouldn’t want them to get in trouble or to lose an arm.

“Rule number one, you can only touch his back, not his tail. He gets cranky when you do that.” Which made perfect sense, Alex concluded. It was a source of their dominant trait. Alex hated it when people touched his hair, so he could relate. Draco’s tail was like Alex’s hair and Alex respected that.

“Rule number two, don’t be too loud.” She said in a whisper and Alex already knew that. He had read it in one the reptile books he had gotten for his birthday last month, but his classmates didn’t know. It was only fair they catch up. “Draco is very sensitive to sound and we wouldn’t want to scare him.” She gives them all a thumbs up and Alex rolls his eyes at the shocked looks on his classmates’ faces. Of course alligators can be scared of people. Just because the animals are a lot heavier and have more teeth than they do, does not mean that they aren’t afraid. Sometimes his classmates are so ridiculous.

“Rule number three, which is the most important rule of all-” This had everyone’s attention, even the ones who had been in tears. “Make sure to absolutely positively use-” and Alex never got to hear what he must absolutely positively use because everything went silent. Just like that. He wasn’t sure what was going on at first. One second he’s got an earful of the chaos that is the zoo and another earful of the ranger talking, and then nothing. It was like someone had pulled the chord and he heard that weird static noise before it all went POP and then silence. He blinked slowly, looking around at his classmates to see what was going on. Surely everyone must find this strange too? But no one else seemed fazed by the fact the world had just gone silent. Maybe god thought it had been too loud and turned on the mute button. But the ranger is still moving her lips and everyone around him seems to be laughing and the trees above him still seem to be swaying and Adam and Amanda are waving their hands in his face and moving their mouths. When he screams, it’s the first time he’s not able to hear his own voice.

§

It takes a total of five minutes to get his brother to understand what he’s trying to say, or sign really. Alex had had a severe case of encephalitis when he was two years old that had almost made the doctors claim him dead upon arrival at the hospital. His mom had been assured the worst was over and done with. She was positive Alex was going to make a speedy recovery with only occasional episodes of muscle weakness. But for the next five years, he had shown no signs of complications. That was until he went deaf of course.

“What?” Alex reads the words off of his brother’s lips with growing irritation. If Seth would just put a little more effort in their weekly ASL classes, then they wouldn’t have this language barrier. But Alex’s learned not to expect too much from his older brother and simply heaves a great sigh.

‘Laptop’ he tries signing slowly, moving his lips with dramatic emphasis, ‘I need your laptop.’

“Oh, you need my laptop?” Alex rolls his eyes with a nod.

“Why didn’t you just say so?” Alex crosses his arms in annoyance, hating that stupid sneer Seth always gets when he makes his jokes. They really weren’t funny anymore.

‘Please?’ He signs and when his brother gets a puzzled look on his face he mouths the word with a frow. You would think eight years later and he’d at least know the basics.

“No.” He ruffles his hair before proceeding into his bedroom and Alex really wishes more than anything he could speak just so he could tell him to go to hell.

§

It only takes him about ten minutes to reach the school library, but its raining outside and his mom absolutely goes crazy when he goes out under this weather. She claims he’ll get sick and Alex always snickers. ‘What’s the worse than can happen? I lose my voice?’ She doesn’t think it’s very funny.

He sets his umbrella against the doorway and dries off his shoes against the rug before stepping inside the warmth. He really needs to get his laptop fixed, but his mom only just gave it to him and he doesn’t know how to explain to her that he might have caught a virus while trying to download some movies. She’s better off not knowing. He waves at the librarian with a small smile and finds his way to the computer lab in the back of the room. He has a major english paper due on Monday and he hasn’t even taken a glimpse at the prompt.

He’s typically a good student though, procrastination aside. He turns in his homework on time, gets A’s on all his tests, he even reads for fun. He’s a good kid. Or at least that’s what he tells himself as consolation whenever his mom gets that anxious look on her face when she asks him how school went. He’s a bit of an introvert to but it kindly. Tends to sit alone and keep to himself instead of attempting to assimilate with the people his age. He used to be really social, or so his mom says. He hates to admit it, but she’s right. He faintly remembers playing on the playground with his classmates. But all of that seems so distant. More distant than the memory of sound.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and that breaks his self pitying train of thought. He looks up at the owner of said hand, which is a lot more forceful that necessary, thank you very much. The guy is speaking fast and Alex only catches a few of the words- and they sure aren’t nice. When he blinks in confusion the guy asks if he’s stupid and Alex turns a dark shade of red before meekly shaking his head.
‘I said, you’re in my seat.’ Oh. He looks up at the laptop screen and realizes the browser was already open to a document. It was an honest mistake, really. When the guy starts yelling again, which he can tell he is doing by the veins that protrude on his neck, he gets up to leave. He’s not here to anger anyone. He just needs to get his homework done. Yet, the other male obviously is not letting this slide as an honest mistake and grabs hold his Alex’s shoulder to prevent him from walking away. He’s a hundred shades more crimson when he turns around to face him, hot embarrassment tinting his cheeks when the guy starts talking all fast again and Alex can barely understand a handful of words. It becomes obvious Alex isn’t getting his message however when the guy removes his hand and eyes him down, only furthering Alex’s anxiety.

‘Are you trying to piss me off?’ The guy gives him an incredulous look and Alex quickly shakes his head before meekly pointing to himself and then to his ear before shaking his finger in indication he cannot hear a word of their exchange. He repeats the motion shyly when the guy stares at him blankly.

‘Bullshit’ the boy accuses and Alex shakes his head again, awkwardly rubbing his shoulder before looking around for a quick escape.

‘Then how do you know what i’m saying?” He challenges and Alex smiles crookedly before pointing to his eyes and then to the boy’s lips. The other male raises an eyebrow and Alex wonders if he’s going to start yelling again. However, the kid reaches into his pocket and Alex begins to walk away nervously, but he’s pulled back again by his arm. He’s handed a phone.

‘can u talk?’ he reads the screen with squinted eyes before looking up at him again. Is he being serious. He shakes his head slowly.

‘why not?’ He texts back and the confusion on his face indicated he’s being serious. Wow.

‘because I’m deaf’ he types back hesitantly, feeling the collar of his shirt grow tighter by the second. This is all too much for him. He doesn’t like talking about it...or not talking about him not talking, whichever makes sense. He also isn’t very fond of strangers looking at him like that.

‘are you blind too? bc you were in my seat.’ Alex feels his whole face fire up and he averts his gaze before turning to leave again. He’s stopped and a phone is shoved in his face again. ‘just kidding, chill. You good at math?’

§

‘I’m going to Jack’s’ Alex signs to his mother, who’s busy in the kitchen working on some new recipe she took down from the cooking channel. Alex’s learned not to question it because really, they don’t turn out so bad. Plus, it makes his mom really happy. He doesn’t see her happy too often.

‘Home by dinner’ she gives him a warning look and he laughs before kissing her cheek and grabbing his jacket off the counter. He was able to get his licence the day he turned eighteen, although it took months and months of convincing his mom that he was responsible enough. It also meant he had to agree to two months of driving school-like he needed it, he was a great driver.

He feels a vibration from his jean pocket and reads the text with a roll of his eyes.

‘where the fuck are you? Matt is waiting and I’m NOT getting any younger’

Alex had agreed to drive him downtown to one of the small indie-organic coffee shops. Apparently Jack had met some guy named Matt in his music class who knew the owners and had secured Jack a spot for their weekly open mic night. Alex didn’t get what was so cool about performing in front of half a dozen customers, but it had made Jack happier than he had ever seen him. Alex likes to make people happy when he can. It isn’t often, he feels.
He shoves the keys into the ignition, but before he can start the car he feels his phone vibrate again.

‘oh and pick up some fries on ur way here? I’m starving, thanks :D’

§

What Alex doesn’t like about driving with Jack is that it’s awkwardly silent. Not that it isn’t silent outside of the vehicle, but at least then he can converse with his best friend if he’s so inclined. But when they’re in the car, Jack puts on one of the records he keeps stashed in Alex’s glove compartment and puts it to loudest setting there is. Alex knows this because aside from the number indicator on the dashboard- he can feel the vibrations off of his steering wheel. They’re currently listening to Weezer, which is a new album Jack had brought with him prior to getting into the car. Apparently, it's ‘the hottest shit out right out now’ or so Jack said upon entering the car.
He has to stop at a red light and Jack’s pointing at the radio and he mouths that ‘this is the best song in the whole world’ and he’s singing, Alex observes. And he’s banging his head to the music and he’s got this passion written all over his face that Alex has only ever seen on Jack’s face when he’s talking about music. He realizes he’s never felt that passionate about anything. Not like his mom or Jack with his music. It must be nice, he thinks, to have such strong emotion over something like that. It must also be nice to be able to hear whatever it is that Jack hears when he puts on the radio or plays his guitars. It’s made him cry before he once told him. And Alex doesn’t really get it. How could a sound make you cry? It’s not like the sound itself has emotion. Emotion, Alex believes, can only be extracted from interaction of either oneself or others, but Jack said he just didn’t get it. He was right, Alex didn’t. But Jack insisted music could do that- make you feel things you couldn’t imagine. Make you feel like you can’t breathe and that a whole other world is hidden in the crevices. He said music is another home. Another home? It doesn’t make sense. A home is where he lives. With his mom and his asshole of a brother. Music shouldn’t make anyone cry, its just sounds. Alex’s cried though. Like when the other people in his class think he uses his deafness as an alibi for not wanting to talk. Like he’s doing it on purpose. It irritates him. Irritates him that they don’t get it and irritates him that he doesn’t have any friends- well aside from the idiot next to him. Jack’s got his eyes closed and he’s moving his lips to the lyrics of the song. When he catches Alex looking, he pushes a handful of fries into Alex mouth before he gives him a wink. Alex really likes it when he gets to drive with Jack in the car.

§

‘Are you nervous?’ Alex signs slowly, studying the way Jack keeps swaying on the balls of his feet. He’s good at reading people, it makes up for not being able to hear them. Plus, he’s known Jack long enough to know when he’s scared shitless.

‘Very’ he signs back. His form is getting a lot better. He’s no expert yet, but he’s a lot better than his brother is and that’s saying a lot considering he just started taking lessons last year.

‘You’ll be fine. You’ve been practicing for weeks.’ It takes a lot more time for Jack to get that but when he does he nods with a thumbs up. Alex’s confident he’s going to be perfectly fine. He’s been going over to Alex’s afterschool with his guitar for almost three weeks just to practice the setlist for tonight. Jack’s really good, Alex thinks and it’s not because he’s being biased, but he can tell from how he moves his fingers on the frets with finesse and ease. The vibrations are smooth and comparable to the records Jack plays whenever he’s over. He’s great.

‘I’m going to go take a seat. Good luck’ he signs with a grin and leaves his nervous friend before finding an empty table near the front of the small stage. Jack’s a really charismatic person though. He’s one of the most social people in their school, which is ironic considering his best friend can’t speak. Maybe that’s why they get along so well, because Alex is the only one that can tolerate how much he talks. He can’t wait to tell him that joke after this.
It’s actually pretty packed for a thursday night, which catches Alex by surprise considering they had stopped by a couple of times to feel out the place. It doesn’t take long to realize that a lot of the people here are from their high school. Matt must have spread the word, Alex realizes, which is great because Jack was worried no one would be here to hear him perform.

When he comes out onto the stage Alex gives him a thumbs up from his seat. Jack’s got that smile he gets whenever he’s listening to one of his records and everything is great. Just like Alex knew it would.

§

He plays for almost a full twenty minutes before his set is over and everyone is clapping and Alex catches sight of some whistling. He attempts to mimic one of them, putting his fingers to his lips and blowing. He doesn’t know if it works, but pretends it does anyways. He get’s up to help his friend pack up his guitar and amp, but he’s beaten to it by Matt and a handful of his other classmates. He lets them through first because it’s only fair Jack gets a share of congratulations from the people who actually heard him play. But it’s getting late and he still has to drive them back. He had already promised Jack he could come have dinner at his house in celebration of his first music gig.
It’s not easy to reach him though, not with how awkward Alex is when amongst a crowd. He manages to wiggle his way through though, and taps Jack’s shoulder. He’s greeted with a hug and he tries to catch what Jack’s saying, but he’s speaking too fast and he doesn’t get very much. His smile though, is extremely contagious and he’s smiling back at him shyly, growing nervous with everyone around them.

‘Ready to go?’ He signs slowly, avoiding looking at anyone or anything that is not his best friend. The smile is gone though and he catches Jack eyeing the crowd and Alex’s not really sure what’s going on before Jack takes out his phone and types quickly, which is strange because Jack doesn’t do that much anymore. He’s gotten good at sighning, but he must be so excited he’s forgotten. Alex gets it.

‘Change of plans Matt’s uncle is paying me w/ tickets to see Radiohead just down the street’ he reads. Alex grins at that. He’s never been to a concert before. He’s read a lot about them though and seen hundreds of videos that Jack plays whenever they hang out. His ASL coach had also told him that it was a good way for a deaf person to experience music. At concerts he would be able to feel the vibrations a lot stronger than touching a speaker. He’s also be able to be a part of the crowd and since no one has to talk at a concert anyways, he didn’t have to worry about the social aspect of it. Plus, this is one of Jack’s favorite band and he’s never seen them before. Now he gets to see them with him.
‘I’ll just call my mom real quick.’ He signs back with an excited grin. His mom would be okay with it, knowing he’s out with Jack. She likes him a lot. Jack takes the phone hesitantly before typing and giving it back.

‘Actually, he only gave me 2 extra tickets n Matt got me the gig and this is Zack’s favorite band- ’

Oh. He doesn’t have to read the rest.

‘I’ll see you Monday’ He signs back quickly, averting his gaze and walking through the crowd with a tight knot in his throat. He shouldn’t be feeling this way. They’re Jack’s tickets and he has every right to use them how he wants. Someone catches his arm though and he doesn’t have to turn to know it's Jack.

‘I’m really sorry.’ He signs and Alex shrugs like it’s no big deal. It really shouldn’t be.
‘I just...I don’t want them to go to waste and-’ Alex reads his lips with ease and he really wishes he hasn’t because he knows what Jack was going to say and the guilt written across his face confirms it.

‘Waste because I can’t hear anyways’ He finishes for him and he really shouldn’t be feeling this way. Like a hot rod is being shoved down his throat causing his lungs to expand and his eyes to burn.

‘Alex,’ Jack catches his arm when he tries to leave. It dawns on him now that that’s probably why he wouldn’t sign in front of them anyways. Because Jack is embarrassed. He’s never been embarrassed before though. Three years of friendship and Jack has always defended him. Everything has an expiration date. He really shouldn’t feel like this, it’s selfish. Alex is afterall the one who wouldn’t let Jack take ASL up until last year because he kept insisting. Alex didn’t want to drag him into this sad lifestyle of his but he did and now that Jack wants to have a perfectly normal time, Alex has to ruin it by being selfish. He’s a horrible person.

‘Have fun. You did great.’ he signs before pulling away from him and going to his car.

§

He’s in tears by the time he walks through the front door. He gives it his best to be as quiet as possible when entering the house in an attempt to avoid having his mom see him like this. He doesn’t need to ruin her day too. He makes it to the top of the stairs unscathed, but his brother is in the hallway and he’s blocking the route to his room. He really doesn’t need this right now.

‘move’ he signs with annoyance, but his brother looks down at him with a smug expression and asks him if he’s had a fight with his boyfriend and that’s the last straw before he’s pushing him out of the way, but he’s a lot smaller and thinner and he’s easily pushed to the floor. It doesn’t take long for him mom to appear at the scene and he’s crying a lot harder than he was before, but his brother is gone and that makes it a little better.

‘What happened? I heard you from downstairs’ his mom frowns and helps him off from the floor. It doesn’t happen often, Alex making noise. It’s occasional and only occurs when he screams or cries, which is often result of Seth being his usual asshole self, or when he laughs hard enough to produce sound. He’s only ever laughed hard enough one and it was while watching a stupid cat video with his mom.

‘He pushed me, I thought I was gonna fall down the stairs’ he signs back with an embarrassed frown. It’s true though, for a fraction of a second he thought he was going to lose his balance. His mom pulls him in for a hug and he can’t help how easily his insides turn into mush. He’s crying again and he really wishes more than anything that it didn’t have to be like this. Worrying her all the time because he did stupid things or felt stupid emotions.

‘what else happened?’ she asks and Alex hates how easily she can read him. He gives in though, ‘I had a fight with Jack’

He gets to have dinner- homemade ravioli- in the living room with his mom. She puts on The Matrix and he’s already feeling a million times better. Come Monday, he’ll be left alone considering he only has one friend and he’ll feel even more stupid for having gotten mad in the first place, leading him to apologizing by the second period of the day. His mom catches his attention and signs that she’s going to get the door, while Alex puts the dishes in the kitchen. His brother probably came back, having stormed out when his mother went up to talk to him. Alex wishes he hadn’t, but then feels guilty when he realizes how upset that would make his mom. He sets the dishes in the sink and begins to wash when his mom taps his shoulder. He rolls his eyes and signs that she doesn’t have to worry, he’s got this, but it isn’t his mom at all.

‘what are you doing here?’ He catches sight of the clock and learns it is only half past nine. There is no way the concert is over. Jack doesn’t answer him though, but holds up what looks like a DVD and gives him a lopsided smile. He shuts off the water and stares at his best friend suspiciously, but it's cut short before his mom comes into the room and shoos him away from the sink and motions him to go upstairs. Of course she doesn’t want him to keep fighting with his only friend.
Alex leads the way up to his room without turning to look back at the other boy, feeling too guilt ridden to do so. Jack however, shows no signs of their earlier encounter and Alex wonders if it was all in his head. He doesn’t question it though and Jack walks over to the television and puts in the DVD while Alex picks up the case and takes a seat on the bed. The title reads ‘The Office’ and it’s a television series apparently. Jack joins him shortly after, picking up the remote to turn on the subtitles. They leave it at that.

Hours later and they’re halfway through the season and Alex’s cheek muscles hurt so much from smiling too much. This is seriously the best thing he’s ever seen and judging by how hard Jack seems to be laughing he knows he’s not the only one. However, when the Dwight character accuses one of the others of being a Hobbit, Alex loses it and laughs. Laughs hard enough it produces a sound that Jack is quick to catch. Its foreign and strange and new, and Jack doesn’t quite know what to make of it. Alex doesn’t realize what happened until he notices Jack staring at him and he feels his cheeks heat up.

‘What?’ he signs.

‘You laughed.’ Jack replies instantly, an unreadable expression on his face.

‘I did?’ Alex averts his gaze, but Jack pulls on his sleeve.

‘Do it again.’ That makes Alex smile, and he shakes his head.

‘It doesn’t work that way.’ But Jack doesn’t seem to believe that and narrows his eyes. It really doesn’t though, Alex shakes his head again. In order for him to produce sound, he has to laugh hard enough and well, he can’t just do it on command. He can’t think it through much longer however because he feels the mattress underneath him all of a sudden and Jack’s fingers moving against his side and yeah- no one had tickled him in years. He scrunches up his face and pulls his arms to his sides tightly because he’s extremely ticklish apparently, judging by the fact he can’t seem to breathe and the tightening feeling in abdomen. It lasts for a good five minutes- or at least it feels like it- and when he finally manages to push Jack’s hands off, he’s panting and flushed.

‘I hate you.’ he signs weakly and pushes against Jack’s chest so he’d get off.

‘I can’t believe I had never heard that before.’ Jack is still grinning and Alex narrows his eyes, but is feeling extremely self-conscious. He doesn’t get what the big deal is. So what? He laughed. Everyone laughs. ‘Do it again’ Jack signs and Alex’s eyes widen before he pushes him off frantically to avoid another tickling attack. That leaves Jack cracking up though and it’s probably the hardest he’s ever seen him laugh and Alex doesn’t get what’s so funny. He is curious though, what’s so great about laughing. He doesn’t think twice about it before he reaches a hand out to press against Jack’s neck, his fingers feeling the way his vocal chords seem to vibrate the more he laughs. It’s strange and a lot different than feeling someone’s vocal chords when they’re speaking. It makes him smile though and he shakes his head in disapproval.

‘you’re weird.’ he signs with one hand before removing his hand from his neck. Jack shrugs and wraps an arm around his shoulders, maneuvering them so Alex’s head was resting against his chest. Alex doesn’t really know what to make of this because they’ve never laid together- well not like this. But Jack’s got the remote in his hands and rewinds it to the play what they missed and so Alex doesn’t question it.
Inevitably, Alex finds himself laughing again, but it isn’t because of the stupid thing Michael Scott just said, but because whenever Jack laughs- which he is doing a lot of right now- his chest vibrates and it’s contagious and Alex laughs himself. Jack looks down at him with a lopsided grin, nudging his side to get him to look at him. Alex raises a brow, ready to bite back a response in case he calls him out on his laugh again. But instead Jack raises out his left hand and makes a fist before putting up only his pinky and index finger. Alex recognizes the sign as something called ‘devil’s horns’ which is quite common at rock concerts according to all those Youtube videos.

‘Wished you went to the concert?’ He signs back. Jack shakes his head and bites his lip before repeating the sign and Alex doesn’t get it. He raises a brow before looking up at him with a confused expression. Except Jack’s got that same look he had when listening to that Weezer album in his car. The same expression he gets whenever he’s playing his guitar or singing his songs. And that’s when Alex gets it. Gets what Jack means when he says music is his home. Gets why Jack says he cries whenever he listens to something so beautiful it fills him with passion. It’s because Jack loves what he does. And he loves Alex too. Or so, that’s what he’s trying to sign to him. Alex knows he’s laughing again by the look on Jack’s face and he raises his hand above them to mimic the pinky and index finger.

‘want to learn a new sign?’ Alex asks after a second, sitting up just enough for him to be able to turn to his side and face him. Jack nods and Alex uses a hand to instruct directions. It’s a simple one and Jack picks it up easily.

‘What’s it mean?’ Jack mouths curiously and Alex grabs his hands to spell it out into his palm.

‘kiss me.’ And so Jack does.