Expensive Conversations
III
I wanted to love you. Even if I didn't know what it meant, I knew I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to know what it was like to feel butterflies. To go against everything I had ever believed and all the things I had ever thought or said. I wanted to go against myself. To go and stand up against this monster that is in the mirror to pull my skin from my bones to find out what it is to actually be human. But I couldn't resist.
Here we are.
A place I know all too well with the dim lighting and the shadows cast on the wall that look like a grotesque version of what we would call shadow puppets.
They say there will always be a moment in life that will change you. Whether it be a person, a place, an experience, anything. Anything in any moment can change you and shape you into a completely different person. Oh, how I hoped you would be that moment.
As much as my addiction feeds me and keeps me satisfied, the more it kills me. Slowly it does. The matter of knowing that in any moment I could slip up and leave something behind, that something could go wrong. The thoughts of sitting and rotting away in a cell, they're daunting. I wanted to change.
But here we are.
You're tied up and asleep on my table. I'm watching the way your chest rises and falls.
I didn't want it to be like this but you noticed. You noticed the ways I wasn't quite like the others around us. Even though I had thought that I had hidden so well. That I had perfected this nonchalance of being human. Going through the motions without missing a beat, but I did, and you saw.
You saw it and now I have to end you before you end me.
I run my fingers across your body feeling the electricity between us. The silence between us is so deafening I can hear your heart beating and I don't know if I truly care to stop it. If I really want to. But I have to.
Pulling a gun from my waistband, I hold it out. Leaning against the wall next to you, I put it in your hands and wait.
You start to stir and I see the fear and panic rising and I whisper, "shoot me."
You want to scream but I've covered your mouth and you look so small and confused. I cut the ties on your wrists and say it again, "shoot me." Inhaling sharply as the weapon fires.
Here we are.
A place I know all too well with the dim lighting and the shadows cast on the wall that look like a grotesque version of what we would call shadow puppets.
They say there will always be a moment in life that will change you. Whether it be a person, a place, an experience, anything. Anything in any moment can change you and shape you into a completely different person. Oh, how I hoped you would be that moment.
As much as my addiction feeds me and keeps me satisfied, the more it kills me. Slowly it does. The matter of knowing that in any moment I could slip up and leave something behind, that something could go wrong. The thoughts of sitting and rotting away in a cell, they're daunting. I wanted to change.
But here we are.
You're tied up and asleep on my table. I'm watching the way your chest rises and falls.
I didn't want it to be like this but you noticed. You noticed the ways I wasn't quite like the others around us. Even though I had thought that I had hidden so well. That I had perfected this nonchalance of being human. Going through the motions without missing a beat, but I did, and you saw.
You saw it and now I have to end you before you end me.
I run my fingers across your body feeling the electricity between us. The silence between us is so deafening I can hear your heart beating and I don't know if I truly care to stop it. If I really want to. But I have to.
Pulling a gun from my waistband, I hold it out. Leaning against the wall next to you, I put it in your hands and wait.
You start to stir and I see the fear and panic rising and I whisper, "shoot me."
You want to scream but I've covered your mouth and you look so small and confused. I cut the ties on your wrists and say it again, "shoot me." Inhaling sharply as the weapon fires.