Feeling You
i.
I sat in an outdated floral print armchair that held the smell of stale cigarette smoke in a trailer that had only become my home in the last month. A cigarette hung lazily between my lips, the bright red tip flaring on every careless drag I took, not caring as the ashes fell into my lap. My hands too full to bother; a bottle of Hennessy in one hand and a loaded pistol in another today was the day all my problems would be solved.
The last few months were a blur of drunken mistakes and horrible nightmares, the reality of my loneliness finally setting in. Nothing had mattered after everything was taken from me. One moment I had it all, my life going as I had always dreamed then the next it was gone. A blink of an eye was all it too. One blink and a drunken driver later my mother, father and young daughter were all taken from me.
The only family I had left in this world all dead, long since buried but the grief still raw. I had been working in the city when they died at a fast paced, time-consuming job that demanded my every thought. Talia had been excited to spend her weekend with my parents-- parents that had assumed the role of caregivers to Talia after my wife died when she was just a baby, parents that I didn't thank enough, parents that I did not tell I loved enough.
They had been heading back to the city late on a Sunday night, bringing Talia home so she was rested for school Monday morning but she had never gotten the chance to lay her head on her pillow one last time.
I knew the minute I had gotten home at one in the morning that something was horribly wrong. No one was home; no car was in the driveway, the house was dark and quiet. The message machine on the kitchen counter blinked with a bright number one.
The drive to the hospital had been the longest journey I had ever taken in all my thirty years and when I had gotten to the hospital I had gotten there too late. Everyone was gone.
After their funeral nothing mattered any longer. A job that kept me from them I quickly discarded, a house I watched Talia grow up in I lost to the bank, my car too. Everyone abandoned me when I crawled into the bottom of a bottle and refused to come out.
Except for one.
The one who now stood in the open doorway of the revolting trailer I lived in. Nora had stood by my side through it all; she had been an unyielding force as I grieved and raged, as I threw away everything including her. No matter how many insults I hurled at her, how much I ignored her; Nora remained by my side.
“Amir,” Nora sighed softly as she wandered over to him slowly, pity and sadness in her soft blue eyes. “Come home with me.”
“What are you doing here?” I slurred, looking away from the woman who had been so strong for me all this time, who had grieved for my family. I didn’t deserve her.
“I asked around,” her gentle voice washed over me like a wave as she kneeled on the dirty, torn carpet in front of me. Her small hand gently gripped the bottle of liquor I held and pulled it from my fingers, setting it on the floor. “I know what you’re planning and it won’t bring them back.”
“But at least I can be with them,” I whispered quietly, my fingers tightening on the butt of the pistol.
Nora’s eyes filled with tears and my already battered heart clenched in pain, “Amir, please, don’t do this.” She laid her hand over mine on the gun, her fingers trying to grip mine. “I know it hurts. I know you’re guilty but please think of who you’re hurting by doing this. Stay with me.”
“Nora just go, please,” I pleaded to the woman who had been a mother to Talia, who had loved my parents as much as I had. “I can’t… I can’t do this with you here.”
“Then I am not going to leave,” Nora vowed, “Even if I sit here with you forever I will.” Slowly, one by one, she began pealing my fingers back, unwrapping them from the gun until it lay in my lap. Taking it from me, she placed the pistol on the floor next to the Hennessey before intertwining her fingers with mine. Her touch so gentle it was like the wings of a butterfly on my skin.
Nora stood to her full height and tugged my hand until I stood with a grunt, my joints popping loudly after so many hours of disuse. I staggered, my head swimming with the alcohol but her soft hands steadied me, righting me until I was able to stand facing her.
“I love you, Amir. I’m not going to watch you destroy yourself anymore,” Nora told me softly, her words of love something I had ignored for the last months. Hearing her words, I hung my head in shame; nothing could describe the guilt eating away at me. The fingers that had pulled the gun from me, the fingers that had intertwined with my own and touched my skin were placed against my face, lifting my chin until I met her eyes, “Come home with me, Amir. Let me help you.”
Her words were my saving grace because while I didn’t want to live for myself, I would find a way to live for her. Just as she had found a way to stay strong for me.
The last few months were a blur of drunken mistakes and horrible nightmares, the reality of my loneliness finally setting in. Nothing had mattered after everything was taken from me. One moment I had it all, my life going as I had always dreamed then the next it was gone. A blink of an eye was all it too. One blink and a drunken driver later my mother, father and young daughter were all taken from me.
The only family I had left in this world all dead, long since buried but the grief still raw. I had been working in the city when they died at a fast paced, time-consuming job that demanded my every thought. Talia had been excited to spend her weekend with my parents-- parents that had assumed the role of caregivers to Talia after my wife died when she was just a baby, parents that I didn't thank enough, parents that I did not tell I loved enough.
They had been heading back to the city late on a Sunday night, bringing Talia home so she was rested for school Monday morning but she had never gotten the chance to lay her head on her pillow one last time.
I knew the minute I had gotten home at one in the morning that something was horribly wrong. No one was home; no car was in the driveway, the house was dark and quiet. The message machine on the kitchen counter blinked with a bright number one.
The drive to the hospital had been the longest journey I had ever taken in all my thirty years and when I had gotten to the hospital I had gotten there too late. Everyone was gone.
After their funeral nothing mattered any longer. A job that kept me from them I quickly discarded, a house I watched Talia grow up in I lost to the bank, my car too. Everyone abandoned me when I crawled into the bottom of a bottle and refused to come out.
Except for one.
The one who now stood in the open doorway of the revolting trailer I lived in. Nora had stood by my side through it all; she had been an unyielding force as I grieved and raged, as I threw away everything including her. No matter how many insults I hurled at her, how much I ignored her; Nora remained by my side.
“Amir,” Nora sighed softly as she wandered over to him slowly, pity and sadness in her soft blue eyes. “Come home with me.”
“What are you doing here?” I slurred, looking away from the woman who had been so strong for me all this time, who had grieved for my family. I didn’t deserve her.
“I asked around,” her gentle voice washed over me like a wave as she kneeled on the dirty, torn carpet in front of me. Her small hand gently gripped the bottle of liquor I held and pulled it from my fingers, setting it on the floor. “I know what you’re planning and it won’t bring them back.”
“But at least I can be with them,” I whispered quietly, my fingers tightening on the butt of the pistol.
Nora’s eyes filled with tears and my already battered heart clenched in pain, “Amir, please, don’t do this.” She laid her hand over mine on the gun, her fingers trying to grip mine. “I know it hurts. I know you’re guilty but please think of who you’re hurting by doing this. Stay with me.”
“Nora just go, please,” I pleaded to the woman who had been a mother to Talia, who had loved my parents as much as I had. “I can’t… I can’t do this with you here.”
“Then I am not going to leave,” Nora vowed, “Even if I sit here with you forever I will.” Slowly, one by one, she began pealing my fingers back, unwrapping them from the gun until it lay in my lap. Taking it from me, she placed the pistol on the floor next to the Hennessey before intertwining her fingers with mine. Her touch so gentle it was like the wings of a butterfly on my skin.
Nora stood to her full height and tugged my hand until I stood with a grunt, my joints popping loudly after so many hours of disuse. I staggered, my head swimming with the alcohol but her soft hands steadied me, righting me until I was able to stand facing her.
“I love you, Amir. I’m not going to watch you destroy yourself anymore,” Nora told me softly, her words of love something I had ignored for the last months. Hearing her words, I hung my head in shame; nothing could describe the guilt eating away at me. The fingers that had pulled the gun from me, the fingers that had intertwined with my own and touched my skin were placed against my face, lifting my chin until I met her eyes, “Come home with me, Amir. Let me help you.”
Her words were my saving grace because while I didn’t want to live for myself, I would find a way to live for her. Just as she had found a way to stay strong for me.