Hell Bound

I lay on my bed for a long time after I hung up with Clara. I was trying not to think about Bucky's suspicions. Instead, I was thinking about Russell and everything I knew about him. My first memory was the day of my hearing. When he'd come to my defense even though he didn't know me. I didn't understand why he'd even come to defend me at all. Until he cornered me later when I was packing my bags and offered me a place on his team. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to catch his attention. I didn't think I had anything of value to bring. But he must have said something to convince me that it was the right choice.

I had no desire to finish my military career. I'd gone in for the wrong reasons and had a chance to get away. I didn't want to fail or face my parents after failing. But Russell had promised to give me a purpose. Not something backed by greed and power, but something that would benefit the world as a whole.

I couldn't remember most of my training with him. I couldn't pinpoint specific memories of that time. I remembered my team but not meeting them. My memories of that time were hazier than other memories.

I tried to remember the last time I'd seen Russell too. I was confident it was when he'd given me the book. We went to a funeral. Some mutual connection we made. But that wasn't where he'd given me the book. We were indoors then. I could only remember the feel of the canvas cover as he slid it into my hands and made me promise to read it. A promise I'd broken because I thought it was nothing more than a small token. A reminder that we were all that was left of the team we'd both loved like family.

I didn't think he'd put anything in the book. No clues or codes or keys or anything else. I read a lot when we worked together. He must have assumed I still did. Which meant he must have known my memories were fading or something was missing. I wondered if he suspected SHIELD was behind it. Bucky was right; we needed to find him.

I didn't want to talk about his suspicions, but I didn't want to be alone anymore either. I wanted to lie on my bed and feel Bucky beside me and not say a single thing. Just like that morning when we laid there for so long before getting out of bed. Nothing felt "time sensitive." Or at least nothing seemed as important as that moment and the feel of each other living and breathing.

I climbed off of the bed and headed toward the door. When I popped it open, I found him sitting on the floor in the hallway. He had his back to the wall and his knee raised. He looked comfortable. It was obvious he never even tried to get back downstairs. Graham had been down there alone the whole time.

He lifted his head when I opened the door. He must have overheard my conversation with Clara. I hoped he didn't take anything I said to heart. But he knew better than anyone why I couldn't tell her how I really felt. It just meant that he probably heard the hitch in my voice or the many times I'd sniffed and tried to hold back tears. I never wanted him to hear me cry.

He didn't say anything, and neither did I. I stepped into the hall, moved his knee aside, and sat down between his legs. I rested my body against the uninjured part of his chest. His arm came around my shoulder, and he held me exactly like I wanted.

"I didn't mean what I said," I told him. "To my sister. I just couldn't let her get suspicious."

"I know," he replied.

"She's pregnant. That's why I had to leave Malibu."

"What?"

"I don't know why she hasn't told me yet. Maybe she's not going to keep it. I don't know. But I figured it out."

"How?"

"I was medically trained for most of my adult life, Bucky."

"You were a combat medic."

"They do send women into combat now, you know? I mean, I didn't spend much time studying women's health, but it happens from time to time. And they usually try to keep it secret. So I had to learn how to read the signs."

"So you left?" I nodded.

"I decided to come back here. Put enough space between us so that she can have a normal life. Aside from the fact that her boyfriend builds metal suits and flies, she's so normal. She has a steady life and a future. It was a clear sign that her life was moving forward, and I was just getting in the way. I figured she'd have less to worry about if I came back here. She could have a family with Stark. If that's what she wants."

"You shouldn't have to hide anyway," he said.

"You said that's what you wanted me to do." He didn't answer right away. But then he shook his head.

"You were right. You would have been miserable. You're not meant to hide behind others."

"What other option do I have?"

"Just live your life the way you want to. I'll do what I can."

"What makes you think this is how I want to live my life?"

"You came back here."

"So my sister could live. I didn't have any other options. This was the only place I knew I could go." He took a deep breath and let it go. I felt the force of it against my ear.

"You deserve to make your own life. You won't have that if they take you. But you won't have it with me either."

"So you're going to leave again."

"You left to protect someone. I have to do the same. I don't have any other options either."

"I wish I could go with you." I hadn't meant to say it so abruptly, but it came out anyway. He didn't react. As if he knew I felt that way all along.

"I wouldn't be able to keep you safe. I can't even protect you from myself."

"My safety isn't a huge concern for me."

"It is for me." I sat up and put my hand on his chest. He moved his head to look at me again. There was only one window in the hallway, but it was bright enough to make his eyes shimmer like water.

"Just do me a favor this time, will you?" He didn't answer. "Don't say goodbye."

"Goodbye would be best, Jo."

"I know that, but—the last time you were here, you said you wanted to make memories that were strong enough to get you through whatever they did to you. And the fact that you're here now, like this—it makes me think that it worked. At least a little. If they come for me—I still want to be able to hold onto that—hope. That we'll see each other again." He was quiet as he studied my face. His eyes were innocently sincere. He nodded once.

"No goodbye," he promised.