A Little Bit of Truth
Welcome to my life...
I am trying to tell you my story, but please forgive me if I forget to add things, back track, get off topic or just become a huge scatterbrained mess.
So, where to begin...well my name is Avery, I am 21 years of age (going on 22 in March), I am a HUGE bucket of nerdy weird, I am engaged to the most amazing man in
the world, I have two amazing brothers, a nephew who is cute as a button and a mother who loves me...in an unconventional way. Bleh. While my life sounds kind of sparkly...
it's far from perfect. Disclaimer: this story is not a happy one until the end....if you can handle that then please, read on.
I was (pardon the cliche, please) ''born in the wrong body''. I was born in a body with extra parts that shouldn't be there, I am Transgender, no not *Transgendered*
that isn't a real thing. I was born, assigned female and given the name ''Katrina Rose Sidaway'', I have breasts, femenine curves and female genetalia. It causes me
great stress and dysphoria to just think abot it sometimes. I am a complicated being. I have always felt different but had no clue why, when I was 12 I saw the word
''Transgender'' for the first time and felt this weird pull, I looked it up, started researching, reading others stories and couldn't help but relate 100% with their
feelings, their experiences and their behaviours. It hit me pretty hard but decided to not think much of it. I did mention it to one of my close friends, who didn't
dismiss my thoughts, criticise or judge me in the least. She simply asked if I wanted to be called by a chosen male name and male pronouns. I will forever remember her
kindness and never ending love. But I decided to go back to living life as who I was supposed to be. I swallowed my pride, stuffed my feelings down into the deepest,
darkest depths of my mind and just let myself forget. It plagued me for years. Never fully understanding why I had such bad penis envy, why I felt so uncomfortable in
my skin, why I wanted to wear mens clothes, why I desired the shortest hair possible, why when I looked in the mirror I felt dead. I was so disconnected from the body
I have that I literally felt nothing other than sadness, frustration and anger. I was depressed which lead to my long battle with self harm, eating disorders and even
suicidal thoughts. I was a creature struggling to breathe, to be accepted, to feel understood. I started identifying as a gay man when I was 15, though it was a secret
kept for the ears of friends (online and off), strangers on the internet and myself (I was unaware that it was a weird thing to do, flew over my head). My family was
completely unaware of my struggles for the longest time. I also started using gender neutral pronouns (they/them), another secret. My whole teenage life was filled
with never ending lies and secrets. Not even the people I would date had any clue that I was different. I couldn't trust them fully and for good reason. I brought it
up to one of them one time and they made this disgusted face and said they would never date someone trans becase they weren't ''Gay'' and never would be. A very scary
thought to a guy who was closeted, confused and supposedly cared about this person. So I shut up and never brought it up to anyone I dated again.
So, where to begin...well my name is Avery, I am 21 years of age (going on 22 in March), I am a HUGE bucket of nerdy weird, I am engaged to the most amazing man in
the world, I have two amazing brothers, a nephew who is cute as a button and a mother who loves me...in an unconventional way. Bleh. While my life sounds kind of sparkly...
it's far from perfect. Disclaimer: this story is not a happy one until the end....if you can handle that then please, read on.
I was (pardon the cliche, please) ''born in the wrong body''. I was born in a body with extra parts that shouldn't be there, I am Transgender, no not *Transgendered*
that isn't a real thing. I was born, assigned female and given the name ''Katrina Rose Sidaway'', I have breasts, femenine curves and female genetalia. It causes me
great stress and dysphoria to just think abot it sometimes. I am a complicated being. I have always felt different but had no clue why, when I was 12 I saw the word
''Transgender'' for the first time and felt this weird pull, I looked it up, started researching, reading others stories and couldn't help but relate 100% with their
feelings, their experiences and their behaviours. It hit me pretty hard but decided to not think much of it. I did mention it to one of my close friends, who didn't
dismiss my thoughts, criticise or judge me in the least. She simply asked if I wanted to be called by a chosen male name and male pronouns. I will forever remember her
kindness and never ending love. But I decided to go back to living life as who I was supposed to be. I swallowed my pride, stuffed my feelings down into the deepest,
darkest depths of my mind and just let myself forget. It plagued me for years. Never fully understanding why I had such bad penis envy, why I felt so uncomfortable in
my skin, why I wanted to wear mens clothes, why I desired the shortest hair possible, why when I looked in the mirror I felt dead. I was so disconnected from the body
I have that I literally felt nothing other than sadness, frustration and anger. I was depressed which lead to my long battle with self harm, eating disorders and even
suicidal thoughts. I was a creature struggling to breathe, to be accepted, to feel understood. I started identifying as a gay man when I was 15, though it was a secret
kept for the ears of friends (online and off), strangers on the internet and myself (I was unaware that it was a weird thing to do, flew over my head). My family was
completely unaware of my struggles for the longest time. I also started using gender neutral pronouns (they/them), another secret. My whole teenage life was filled
with never ending lies and secrets. Not even the people I would date had any clue that I was different. I couldn't trust them fully and for good reason. I brought it
up to one of them one time and they made this disgusted face and said they would never date someone trans becase they weren't ''Gay'' and never would be. A very scary
thought to a guy who was closeted, confused and supposedly cared about this person. So I shut up and never brought it up to anyone I dated again.