Think of You
The Beginning of the End
1990
I looked around the empty house, trying to decide if I had gathered all my things. There were so many emotions coursing through my body, but I did my best to stay strong. I felt as if all of the commotion was a long time coming. I tried to stick it out the best I could but a person can only take so much. "Whenever you're ready, ma'am." The driver spoke as he stuck his head in from the outside. I simply gave him a nod and told him that I would be only a few more seconds. He agreed and walked back to the awaiting car. I placed my bag down on the second step and looked around the place. We had shared so many memories here but half of those were filled with more tears than anyone can imagine. Good, bad fights, laughs, and intimate times filled the home but the only thing I could feel now was emptiness.
I travelled up the stairs, passing by pictures from years gone by, and made my way to our bedroom. The bed was still a mess, seeing as I didn't bother to make it after removing myself from it early this morning. It's not like he came home to share it with me. Hell, I wasn't even sure where he was. The last time I saw him was two days ago when he decided to grace me with his presence. The band was at a standstill with recording and issues within the band. I tried my best not to pry but it's kind of hard when your husband's yelling about it as soon as he enters the house. The other wives made sure to let their opinions known but I could never do that. I wasn't a member of the band, I was only married to a member. I had no say in any of the decisions that were made or going to be made. I was taught never to pry in things that don't pertain to me, so that's what I did. I think in a way it pissed him off when I didn't bother to give my opinion. He would bring me into all these conversations with the others or people that were higher on the food chain. He would try to get me to speak my mind, often times trying to get me to side with what he was saying. I couldn't do that. It was none of my business.
From the first time I saw him, I knew that he was nothing but trouble. My mind was telling me to stay far far away from him but my heart kept dragging me back. He could have possessed any girl with that look of his but he was so persistent in the chase. I wanted nothing to do with him, almost calling the cops at one point because he wouldn't leave me alone. I was living my simple life and then he came barging in like a tornado. I had never heard of his band or any band like it. I grew up where country rang supreme. I grew up on listening to Tammy, Loretta, Hank, and George. Rock music was banned from our home, seeing as the only people who made it and listened to it was those that needed to get their priorities straight. I can't even remember how everything came together, but it was as if something pulled us together. It was as if we were two magnets, one trying it's best to stay away, while the other pulls itself right towards it. I was the one struggling and Nikki was the one pulling forward.
I feel like that's how our relationship continued to be even when were settled. I was always pulling away from things, while he was trying his best to pull me with him. I wanted nothing to do with the parties or the people attending. I wasn't interested in hanging out with the girlfriends, flings, or wives of the time. The only time I attended parties or social functions was when we first got together. I was new to the whole scene and thought that I should keep my options open. I thought that maybe I would become friends with some of the girls that the others brought around but that was never the case. If I did somehow become friends with them, they were either replaced by another within a week or they would stab me in the back. I never knew who I could trust, including my own husband.
"Ms. Knapps?" The driver called up the stairs. "We have to leave now in order for you to make your flight." I wiped away the stray tear that had somehow escaped and gave the room one last look. I closed the door behind me and made my way down the stairs, grabbing my bag in the process. The driver gave me a smile as I followed him out the door, making sure to lock it behind me. "All set?" Harold asked as he opened the car door. I simply gave him a small smile and a nod of the head. I quickly slipped into the backseat, my heart feeling like it was seconds away from breaking. I knew that this was going to happen sooner or later but I think if Nikki was here, I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I had tried calling the studio and the hotel where he was supposed to be staying to let him know that I was leaving today but he never answered. The only person who answered on occasion was one of the roadies, but I doubt he even relayed the message back to him. I didn't want it to end this way but I had no other choice. I never wanted to leave in the first place but I just couldn't deal with the mess anymore. More lies were getting told on both sides and that's not the way I wanted our relationship to be. He deserved to be happy in the way he wanted and I deserved that as well.
I glared out the window as Harold settled himself in the front seat. Within minutes, we were on our way to the airport. The house and the surrounding area became smaller and smaller, soon disappearing out of sight. I kept telling myself that this was the right decision. Everything was becoming finalized and set in stone and there was no going back from that. I still loved him with all my heart but sometimes you have to actually listen to your mind and let it tell you when it's time to go.
I looked around the empty house, trying to decide if I had gathered all my things. There were so many emotions coursing through my body, but I did my best to stay strong. I felt as if all of the commotion was a long time coming. I tried to stick it out the best I could but a person can only take so much. "Whenever you're ready, ma'am." The driver spoke as he stuck his head in from the outside. I simply gave him a nod and told him that I would be only a few more seconds. He agreed and walked back to the awaiting car. I placed my bag down on the second step and looked around the place. We had shared so many memories here but half of those were filled with more tears than anyone can imagine. Good, bad fights, laughs, and intimate times filled the home but the only thing I could feel now was emptiness.
I travelled up the stairs, passing by pictures from years gone by, and made my way to our bedroom. The bed was still a mess, seeing as I didn't bother to make it after removing myself from it early this morning. It's not like he came home to share it with me. Hell, I wasn't even sure where he was. The last time I saw him was two days ago when he decided to grace me with his presence. The band was at a standstill with recording and issues within the band. I tried my best not to pry but it's kind of hard when your husband's yelling about it as soon as he enters the house. The other wives made sure to let their opinions known but I could never do that. I wasn't a member of the band, I was only married to a member. I had no say in any of the decisions that were made or going to be made. I was taught never to pry in things that don't pertain to me, so that's what I did. I think in a way it pissed him off when I didn't bother to give my opinion. He would bring me into all these conversations with the others or people that were higher on the food chain. He would try to get me to speak my mind, often times trying to get me to side with what he was saying. I couldn't do that. It was none of my business.
From the first time I saw him, I knew that he was nothing but trouble. My mind was telling me to stay far far away from him but my heart kept dragging me back. He could have possessed any girl with that look of his but he was so persistent in the chase. I wanted nothing to do with him, almost calling the cops at one point because he wouldn't leave me alone. I was living my simple life and then he came barging in like a tornado. I had never heard of his band or any band like it. I grew up where country rang supreme. I grew up on listening to Tammy, Loretta, Hank, and George. Rock music was banned from our home, seeing as the only people who made it and listened to it was those that needed to get their priorities straight. I can't even remember how everything came together, but it was as if something pulled us together. It was as if we were two magnets, one trying it's best to stay away, while the other pulls itself right towards it. I was the one struggling and Nikki was the one pulling forward.
I feel like that's how our relationship continued to be even when were settled. I was always pulling away from things, while he was trying his best to pull me with him. I wanted nothing to do with the parties or the people attending. I wasn't interested in hanging out with the girlfriends, flings, or wives of the time. The only time I attended parties or social functions was when we first got together. I was new to the whole scene and thought that I should keep my options open. I thought that maybe I would become friends with some of the girls that the others brought around but that was never the case. If I did somehow become friends with them, they were either replaced by another within a week or they would stab me in the back. I never knew who I could trust, including my own husband.
"Ms. Knapps?" The driver called up the stairs. "We have to leave now in order for you to make your flight." I wiped away the stray tear that had somehow escaped and gave the room one last look. I closed the door behind me and made my way down the stairs, grabbing my bag in the process. The driver gave me a smile as I followed him out the door, making sure to lock it behind me. "All set?" Harold asked as he opened the car door. I simply gave him a small smile and a nod of the head. I quickly slipped into the backseat, my heart feeling like it was seconds away from breaking. I knew that this was going to happen sooner or later but I think if Nikki was here, I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I had tried calling the studio and the hotel where he was supposed to be staying to let him know that I was leaving today but he never answered. The only person who answered on occasion was one of the roadies, but I doubt he even relayed the message back to him. I didn't want it to end this way but I had no other choice. I never wanted to leave in the first place but I just couldn't deal with the mess anymore. More lies were getting told on both sides and that's not the way I wanted our relationship to be. He deserved to be happy in the way he wanted and I deserved that as well.
I glared out the window as Harold settled himself in the front seat. Within minutes, we were on our way to the airport. The house and the surrounding area became smaller and smaller, soon disappearing out of sight. I kept telling myself that this was the right decision. Everything was becoming finalized and set in stone and there was no going back from that. I still loved him with all my heart but sometimes you have to actually listen to your mind and let it tell you when it's time to go.
♠ ♠ ♠
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