Chance

Gerard doesn’t move from his position on the couch for hours, and Hayley is far past worried, because he hasn’t said anything either. There was a brief period after about an hour where he just stopped crying like a snap of the finger and he just stood and sort of stared off at nothing for about ten minutes, just contemplating something or other, and then he went right back to crying again. She’s far past worried about him, honestly, she’s terrified of what’s happened.

She doesn’t know what happened to him. The last time she saw him this distraught though was back before he got clean, and that’s what’s scaring her. She can’t get Gerard to talk to her, so her mind is forced to go to dark places.

“Gerard, just, tell me anything that will stop freaking me out as much as you are right now.”

Gerard just shakes his head and feels his eyes swell. His tears are coming in bursts, they’ll be dormant for a few minutes and then start up again and just rock his entire body, shake it and make him quake with the pain of it. Hayley is worried he’s going to dehydrate himself, but Gerard has refused to drink the water she got for him.

Gerard doesn’t know what he wants to do right now. He just wants to feel awful, and cry, and he wants Frank here, but its Frank that makes him feel the way that he does right now, so obviously that’s not going to happen.

Hayley counts the minutes as they go by, and she’s reached about 180 when someone is hammering at the door. Gerard looks up startled, and for a second, though he knows it’s stupid, he thinks it’s Frank. Frank doesn’t have Gerard’s address, but Gerard thinks that it must be Frank, and Gerard almost feels hopeful. He almost feels the slightest glimmer of hope, before Hayley opens the door to reveal Mikey.

“Gerard, you had better have a good fucking reason for standing me up, because I swear to god I will punch you in the throat,” Mikey says, as a welcome, while Hayley tries desperately to mime to him to stop talking.

“I’m sorry,” Gerard says meekly, and it’s the first thing he’s said since he got home.

“Whoa dude,” Mikey says, freezing when he notices his own blunder, “what happened?”

Gerard shakes his head, and buries his face back in the pillow. It’s just Mikey. Frank’s not here. Frank left him. He hoped so desperately that it would be Frank pounding on that door, and now he’s left with the bitter reality that Frank doesn’t care.

“He won’t tell me either,” Hayley says, closing the door, and walking back over to Gerard, because she’s afraid to leave him alone for more than a minute.

“Shit, you didn’t do something stupid did you?” Mikey asks, leaning over to look at Gerard from the couch, and Gerard doesn’t move at all. Gerard knows the truth is that he did something very stupid. He let Frank in. He gave Frank the power to hurt him, and it blew up in his face, because Frank used that power.

He wonders how Frank must feel right now. He might be proud of himself, for playing Gerard like a fiddle. Maybe he realizes how shitty he was, and he regrets it. Maybe it’s a misunderstanding. Maybe Frank is out there missing Gerard as much as he misses him. Gerard hopes desperately that the latter is true, and a very large part of him suspects that it’s the truth.

What Frank and Gerard had, that couldn’t have been faked. Or at least, if Frank was faking, he deserves an Oscar. Because that was real, and it was raw, and it was right. A larger part of Gerard is saying that it must have been a misunderstanding, because Frank seemed to good, and Gerard is too in love with him to think ill of him. Maybe Frank is out there missing him just as much as Gerard does.

“It’s about that boy, isn’t it?” Hayley asks, finally remembering that Gerard met someone last night. She’d been so caught up thinking that he relapsed that it didn’t occur to her that it could be boy troubles. She would definitely prefer it being boy troubles, because, while that sucks, it’s not as scary as it could be.

Gerard nods, and it’s like a great weight off of Hayley’s shoulders. Not that she’s happy he’s sad, but at least a boy isn’t a pack of beers. Though they can be as harmful.

“What boy?” Mikey asks, “There’s a boy?”

“He met him last night,” Hayley says.

“You’re upset over a one night stand?” Mikey asks, so condescendingly that Gerard snaps his head up to stare at him.

“It wasn’t like that,” Gerard says, looking at Mikey angrily.

“Gerard, if he wasn’t into it, there’s nothing for you to be upset about.”

“Get out,” Gerard says, coldly.

“What?”

“Get. Out,” Gerard repeats, slower, and the look in his eyes is one like he’s ready to kill.

“Gerard, calm down-”

“Get out!” Gerard shouts, ready to hop to his feet and push Mikey out if he has to. He can’t remember ever being this pissed off at his brother before, they actually have a really good relationship for brothers, but right now, Gerard is tempted to smack him.

“Mikey, I think its best that you leave,” Hayley says, because the last thing she wants is for Gerard to hurt Mikey, or vice versa. Gerard doesn’t think straight when he’s upset, it’s something she’s known about him for all the time she’s known him. It’s not that he’s violent, he just doesn’t consider the consequences of things when he’s sad or upset, because when everything in the entire world sucks, Gerard doesn’t care about anything anymore.

“He’s my brother!” Mikey says, “If he’s upset I want to be there for him.”

“Go away,” Gerard says, softening up, back to a place where he just wants his pillow again. He doesn’t need Mikey right now though, Mikey is the most cynical person in the world on a good day, Gerard can’t put up with him on a bad day.

“Just, for a little while,” Hayley says. “Hang out downstairs, I’ll call you later. Just for now, boy talk needs to be between us girls.”

Mikey doesn’t seem happy about it, but he relents and then paces towards the door. It closes with a noise louder than is entirely necessary, but Gerard doesn’t care if Mikey is pissed with him. He’s got bigger things to be upset with than Mikey throwing a tantrum.

“Boys suck, huh?” Hayley offers, and Gerard just nods into his pillow.

Gerard doesn’t have any words to say to her yet, but honestly, other than Frank, she’s really the only person he wants to be around right now. Not that he doesn’t absolutely adore his brother, but Hayley is who you want to have there when you’re crying. She understands. Mikey is a little apathetic, not intentionally, and he’ll show emotions when they’re called for, but he’s not a shoulder to cry on.

Hayley doesn’t push him, doesn’t judge him, doesn’t demand details. That’s what Gerard needs if he can’t have Frank.

“You don’t have to tell me, but, can I ask you what his name is?” Hayley asks.

Gerard looks up for a moment, his face red and unbelievably pained. It feels like pushing a car by himself, but he manages to get out the word. “Frank.”



Frank, is on a completely different spectrum to Gerard. Everyone grieves in different ways. Frank is choosing to not give up hope yet, but rather to chase hope.

Frank drags himself, with Ray lolling behind looking somewhat unhappy, to the bar where he met Gerard last night. This is the only place he can think of where he might see Gerard again. He’d considered going to the bench, but it seems more likely that if Gerard is on the same page as him, he’ll come back to the bar. So he will wait here, and just keep waiting here, for years he’ll wait here, for Gerard, and possibly Godot, he’ll wait here. Until his limbs wither away into dirt. He’ll wait anywhere if Gerard might come back.

If Gerard is out there, and he knows that Frank is absolutely mad for him, he’ll come. But if Gerard is out there and thinks Frank abandoned him, there’s nothing that he can do. Frank hates being this powerless. He wants to talk to Gerard, explain things, just let him know. He can’t do anything at all though, and that kills him.

“So you met this guy here?” Ray asks.

“Yes,” Frank says. “Right here. In this exact spot. He was, man, I don’t even know how to fucking describe him to you. Gerard was perfect. He was everything. Just talking about him, makes him seem unreal. Because he was too good. He was so much more, he was extra, he was the world. I love him, Ray.”

“But you met him last night?”

“Yeah,” Frank says, “and last night was the best night of my whole damn life. Nothing will ever eclipse it. Except maybe every day that I spend with Gerard.”

Frank is managing to not cry right now, but only because his hope is distracting him from the pain. Because he is in pain, so much pain. More, possibly than Gerard, because his guilt feels like a sunken ship. It’s his fault he and Gerard were separated. It’s his fault that wherever Gerard is right now, he’s in pain. Frank wants to take it all away, make Gerard’s life a bright one, one with no pain and no strife. He wants to give Gerard the world, but it’s his fault that Gerard suffers.

“God, I just,” Frank whimpers, “I wish you could’ve met him. He was so perfect, he was amazing. He’s the kind of guy everyone would fall in love with, I’m sure of it, because there was something about him.”

Frank feels himself getting a little choked up, and he grimaces, looking down at his drink. He wants to drown his sorrows, get so wasted that he has the chance to forget that he’s a fire of sadness on the inside, but if he drinks, he won’t be able to look for Gerard. He needs to keep his wits up, keep himself clear headed, because he needs to be able to see Gerard if he comes back.

Frank turns away from Ray to scope out the crowd of the bar. It’s not very busy, seeing as it’s only about two in the afternoon, but it’ll get more crowded in the next few hours. It’ll be as busy as it was when Gerard and Frank met. Maybe the guy who hit on Gerard will make a reappearance, but he’s the last person Frank wants to see.

Frank looks at some of the faces around him. He sees a woman who’s clearly drinking off a recent fight with her spouse. There’s a creepy looking dude who’s probably out trying to cheat on his wife. There’s a gangly, noodle of a man who looks annoyed and bored, what his purpose in the bar is Frank doesn’t know, because it’s not as obvious as the other two.

“Do you actually think he’s going to come back here?” Ray asks. Frank doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to consider the eventuality that Gerard won’t come back.

He doesn’t want to think about the prospect of never seeing Gerard again, because that’s too much. That’s not even an option. He’ll see Gerard again, even if he has to knock on the door of every single Gerard in New York City. Not seeing him again is not a possibility. Gerard is the one, the more Frank thinks about it, the more he’s sure of that much, because Gerard is the one.

He’s a wet dream come to life, and Frank won’t stop until he finds Gerard again. Not to fuck him, though that’s on the agenda, but to cherish that fucking man like he deserves. Frank is so far past in love with him, that he doesn’t know the word for it.

“I won’t allow the thought that he won’t come back,” Frank says honestly. He isn’t going to consider it, because he’ll see Gerard again, even if it’s hopeless. Even now, when everything feels bleak and pointless, he will not give up that hope. Because if he gives up, he’s going to completely ruin himself.

“What does this guy look like?” Ray asks, because it’s clear that Frank is serious about this, and if he’s going to be like this, than the least Ray can do is look for him.

Frank describes Gerard to him, focuses a little too much on the details and Ray’s a little bombarded by how gay Frank is, but he puts up with it anyway.

“Oh man, I sound gay,” Frank says, and Ray just nods. “But like, he was perfect. He’d turn a straight man, Ray, he’d turn you.”

“Frank, you say that about all men,” Ray replies, and Frank can’t deny that this is true, but Gerard is special. Gerard is Gerard. Frank is beginning to think that the only word that is stronger, and exceeds the word ‘perfection’, is Gerard.

Frank looks at the noodily man some more, and Frank must be getting delusional, because he swears that the man looks like Gerard. He’s got the same eyes. Almost the same jaw. It’s a little eerie, because that’s Gerard’s face, just a little elongated and with sharper bones.

Looking at the man, and remembering Gerard’s face forces a stabbing pain in his stomach like someone just stuck a sword through his abdomen. He looks down, sure he’s going to find a dagger there, but there’s nothing.

It’s just that, that guy looks so much like Gerard. But he’s not Gerard. No one is Gerard. No one is as good as him.

“You okay?” Ray asks, and Frank shakes his head. The truth is, he’s never going to be okay again. Not without Gerard. Until he finds Gerard again, Frank is cursed.

Frank feels, right in the back of his throat, that he is about to sob again, uncontrollably, and he panics. He can’t do this out in public. He can’t do it here. He’s cried enough in front of Ray today, he doesn’t want to keep doing that. He’s sure Ray is going to be seeing a lot of tears in the future, but Frank still has dignity he’d like to protect.

Frank has just enough time to rush an explanation towards Ray and then sprint towards the bathroom, a terrifying thumping in his heart that urges him to get there faster so that he can collapse to the ground with no one looking at him.

If only Frank knew that only two floors above him, Gerard sits, bearing the same pain as him, and wishing only to see him again.