Status: In Progress

Chance

Escape Route

“Gerard, are we going to retrace every step you took that night?”

“Yes,” Gerard replies, shaking his head at the stupid question. He will retrace every single step. He will scour the world if he has to. Honestly, if he hadn’t just lost his job, he’d buy a billboard in hopes that it might help Frank find him.

“Okay,” Hayley says, shrugging, and kind of shaking her head. She’s hoping that since she works at the bar she’ll be able to see Frank if he decides to come back to look for Gerard, but she’s not entirely confident that Frank wants to be found.

Frank left Gerard under what can be considered to be quite clear circumstances. He left before Gerard even woke up. Why would he do that if you wanted to see Gerard again? If your one night stand were to do that to you, the answer would be clear. They don’t want to see you again. The similarities between that eventuality and this are too striking. The odds are high that Frank left Gerard, and that Gerard had been falling harder for Frank than the other way around. Frank doesn’t want to see him again, that’s why he left.

Gerard’s got a habit of making things bigger than they are, and it’s not even something she would consider to be a flaw of his, because Hayley would argue that his belief in humanity is just too pure to try to squash. Gerard thinks the best of people, he always has, always will, and that’s something she wouldn’t change about him if she could. Gerard’s love of humanity is something no one would dare take from him.

But his love for Frank isn’t the first time he’s made a mountain out of a molehill. This is the first time he’s ever been convinced someone’s in love with him, but it’s not the first time he’s seen things that aren’t there. It hasn’t happened as much since college, but in those four years, Hayley heard on countless occasions that he’d had a moment with a near stranger. Days later she’d discover that it had all been in his head. This just seems eerily similar to back then.

“So, describe him to me,” Hayley asks.

“What?”

“What does he look like?”

Gerard does his best to describe to her what Frank looks like, and he offers her up the sketch that he’d drawn of him earlier for her to look at. He’s going to keep it in his pocket for all time, now, he’s sure. Anyone who might have seen him, he’ll show them the picture. Anything to find Frank again.

“He’s cute,” she says, smiling lightly at the picture. She wants more than anything for what Gerard and Frank had to be real, but she’s scared that this boy is going to end up breaking Gerard’s heart a million times over.

“Yeah,” Gerard says, smiling shyly. “He’s very cute. I can’t have really captured how gorgeous he was, but believe me, he was perfect.”

“I didn’t really get a good look at him at the bar,” she replies, then is struck with an idea. “Do you know if he was a regular?”

“Probably not,” Gerard shakes his head, “it was his coworker’s birthday, that’s why he was there in the first place. But if he does come back, you gotta look out for him. You have to tell me if you see him, because you’re like, the last line of defense. You’re more likely to see him than I am.”

“Yeah,” Hayley says, smiling back at him, and hoping with all her heart that Gerard isn’t imagining things. She wants this Frank guy to be true, and to love him as much as Gerard does, but life doesn’t always work out the way you want. And even if it is true, there’s no way for her to be at the bar all the time. She doesn’t work every day of the week, and she can’t be there all the time to ensure that she sees him.

“Gerard,” she starts, but then decides not to say anything as he drags her to a small, sad little coffee shop that looks like it could sprout a really shitty indie band called ‘Infinity On My Mind’ or ‘Lifeless Delusion.’ The kind of band that your coworker tells you about and then you listen to one of their songs and it sounds like it was recorded by a dying squirrel inside of a cardboard box whose only instrument is a can of chicken noodle soup. That kind of band.

He pulls her to a table in the corner, and tells her that he and Frank had sat here. With the look he has on his face as he peers around the coffee shop, she doesn’t have any trouble doubting it. Gerard is seeing ghosts. Everywhere he looks, he’s remembering Frank, he’s remembering things Frank said, laughs they shared, things that made Gerard fall under his spell.

Hayley can’t even begin to understand the change in Gerard over only the course of a day. He’s definitely more depressed, that’s not a secret, but he also seems to have new life in him, new vigor.

Frank breathed something into Gerard, something he hadn’t had in a long while. Even though Gerard is depressed and sad, there is a liveliness to him that Hayley hasn’t ever seen from him before.

It’s like he’s got a new purpose. Gerard didn’t have much of a purpose, he’s been feeling very miserable the past few years at his job. It was one of those jobs where everyone looks the same, everyone has the same sized cubicle, does meaningless work, and then goes home unsatisfied. A job that puts no life into the people who work it.

Gerard’s job was like a dementor, with every day he went back there, it sucked out more of his soul. Maybe it’s a coincidence that Frank happened to appear on the same day that Gerard lost that job, or maybe it was fate shining a light on Gerard’s life, but he is different.

Still though, Hayley fears. What if Gerard’s been played? What if this Frank guy was only ever out to hurt him? What if he never cared for Gerard at all, and just wanted to smash his heart like glass?

What if Frank was a decent guy who Gerard put too much weight on, causing him to crumble under the pressure? What if Gerard just has too much to give and Frank didn’t have the same amount to give back?

“I know what you’re thinking,” Gerard says, like a confession, and he sighs at his own words. He looks at her, across from him in the coffee shop. She’s sitting right where Frank had been. She’s the best person Gerard knows, but she’s a poor replacement for Frank’s presence.

“What?”

“You think that Frank left me,” Gerard says. “You think that I’m blowing this out of proportions and that he didn’t really love me back the way that I love him.”

“Gerard-”

“It’s okay, I understand,” Gerard says, shaking his head. “The thing is, Hayley, I thought that at first too. All of last night really, I spent just kind of stewing in it. Did I exaggerate things? Am I going insane? All this shit, and then I realized, I’m not. I’m literally not. I am sure, no, I’m positive, that what Frank and I had can’t be faked, can’t be… it can’t be one sided. Not the way that he talked to me. He talked to me like you wouldn’t even talk to a therapist, like he was honest, and real, and I believe with all my heart that there was something between us. He wasn’t faking that, you can’t fake that. I’m sure I’m not delusional either, because you wouldn’t say the things that he said if you didn’t feel something. He poured his soul out for me, and trusted me to know what to do with it. I’m unable to believe that it wasn’t a big deal.

“Now, if he got chickened out and did, in fact, run away from me, I don’t know, that’s a possibility, but I am sure that I am not making things up in my own mind. I am sure, without a hint of a doubt, that Frank liked, loved, I don’t know… that he cared for me in return. If that scared him and that’s why he left, I think it’s a distinct possibility, but I don’t think it’s a decision he won’t regret. I’m sure, with all of my heart, that Frank is out there missing me just as much as I miss him. It’s not wishful thinking, it’s the only likely solution.”

Hayley looks at Gerard, and she has her doubts, she definitely does, but the look in Gerard’s eyes is something she can’t disagree with. She cannot go against a look that strong and sure. Gerard was the one who was there, all Hayley knows is what he’s managed to relay back to her, and she’s sure none of it will ever be able to capture the true story of what happened that night, because a night like that cannot be immortalized in anyway but in Gerard and Frank’s memory. Gerard surely knows more about this situation than she does. If he says it’s not all in his mind, and that Frank loved him back, well than Hayley will trust that judgement. Gerard is her best friend, and she will follow him unquestioningly on this if he is sure.

“Alright then,” she nods.

“Alright?” Gerard asks, looking confused.

“I trust you, Gerard,” she replies, “I trust your judgement. If you say he loves you, then he does.”

“Yeah?” Gerard asks.

“Yeah.”

Gerard grins, because he believes her. He believes that Hayley’s on his side. She always is, of course, but he can feel her questioning him less, and that’s what he needs right now. He needs someone to have faith in him.

“What are we waiting for then?” Hayley asks. “We’ve got a whole city to search to find this guy.”

“Then let’s find the bastard.”

Image


Frank spends his day very differently than Gerard. Instead of going out in the city and retracing his every last step, like he had tried to do yesterday, he lies on the couch, crying every now and again, between episodes of SVU.

Ray is doing his best to keep Frank from collapsing in on himself, he honestly is, but he doesn’t know what there is to do for him. Frank just lies on the couch all day, eating ice cream, god knows where he even got it, because Frank is lactose intolerant so what the fuck he thinks he’s doing Ray hasn’t a clue, but he’s tried to take it away from him like five times now and Frank just keeps shouting at him.

“You’re going to make yourself sick,” Ray says.

“Well so the fuck what?” Frank groans, “What’s a stomachache compared to my broken heart?”

“Listen, Frank,” Ray replies, “you’re not Shakespeare, you’re a human who’s going to make himself sick if he keeps eating like that.”

“Your implication that Shakespeare was not human does nothing to soothe my aching heart,” Frank says, because when he’s depressed he tends to speak like he’s in a soap opera, it’s something Ray has noticed over the years of knowing the guy. He turns into a poet when he’s got a cold, it’s bewildering, but actually kind of impressive.

“You’re fucking crazy,” Ray says, rolling his eyes, but he finally manages to pry the ice cream out of Frank’s hands, much to his dismay, but Ray trusts that Frank is too miserable to actually get off the couch, so he’s not surprised that Frank doesn’t follow him once he’s stolen the carton.

“I’ve got a broken heart, what do you want from me?” Frank groans, and then throws the spoon he’d been using at Ray, who barely has the time to dodge it from getting stuck in his hair.

“Fewer flying projectiles, ideally,” Ray says, picking the spoon up off the ground with a disgusted look on his face.

“Well we can’t always get what we want,” Frank says.

Ray just shakes his head, and groans. Frank doesn’t even like SVU, but he lost the remote hours ago, and hasn’t had the energy to look for it, so they’ve just been watching hour after hour of what starts to feel like one repeating episode after you’ve seen more than twice in a row.

“Frank,” Ray says, with the best mom voice he can muster, “you need to get off that damn couch and go look for this guy. I promise you, lying on the couch all day is not going to pull him any closer. You’re not going to get any closer to finding him.”

“But I’m too depressed to go anywhere,” Frank replies, groaning, and it’s not at all a lie or an excuse. He’s not even lazy, or at least, he isn’t right now. He genuinely cannot move more than a couple feet without feeling dizzy and seeing his own heartbeat. His senses are all muddled, so he can see the sound of his own heartbeat whenever he stands up, and it winds him to the point where he has to sit down for fear of passing the fuck out.

He doesn’t know why this is, whether he’s that depressed or if he’s getting sick. He knows that his dehydration can probably account for some of it, because he literally just cannot seem to get enough liquid in his body, because he keeps crying it out.

“I’m not having any of that,” Ray says, shaking his head.

“What?” Frank asks.

“You need to get your lazy ass up off that couch. The love of your life is out there somewhere and you need to find him,” Ray says, and Frank will admit that he’s glad Ray is supportive. A little bossy, and a little tetchy, yes, but also unbelievably supportive. It’s easy for Ray to be supportive though, when Frank keeps ranting on and on about Gerard, like he’s done. He won’t shut up, which would usually be annoying, except for the fact that Ray is extremely worried about Frank and is taking everything he says to his heart, because of the fear of what he’ll do if Ray doesn’t.

“Ray, I really don’t think that I can,” Frank says, “I actually feel physically ill.”

“Well that hasn’t stopped you from doing stupid shit before,” Ray says, “you remember that time that you went to a Metallica concert when you had the flu?”

“I hope you remember that I passed out at that concert.”

“You still went,” Ray replies, and he has a point.

“I don’t know where to go?” Frank says, in his defense. There’s a handful of places Gerard might go to try to find Frank again, how does Frank know which one to go to?

“We’ll go to the bar, or the coffee shop, or that garden,” Ray says, naming all the places that Frank mentioned to him.

“But how do we know he’ll be at any of those places?”

“We don’t. But we know that you’re in love with this guy, and that he’s in love with you, so I’m willing to bet that he wants to find you just as much as you want to find him.”

“But what if he’s angry with me, so much so that he hates me now?”

“Love does not turn to hate so quickly, it’s not that fickle. There is a fine line between love and hate, but it’s not one that you can cross without time for the decision to fester. No, wherever this Gerard guy is, he is in just as much pain as you are.”

Frank makes a whimpering sound and when Ray looks over the couch at his friend, he sees that Frank’s begun to cry again.

“Shit,” Frank says, with these short, pained little breaths that mustn’t be coming easily. “I can’t stand to think that I’ve hurt him.”

“You’re going to continue to hurt him if you don’t get off your ass and help me track him down,” Ray says, and this finally seems to get to him. Frank starts nodding, and he roughly pulls himself up, rather wearily, but he’s vertical and that’s what counts.

“You’re right,” Frank says, “I need to find him so that I can apologize for hurting him. And fast. Otherwise he’ll hate me soon.”

“That might be the case,” Ray nods.

“I can’t allow that to happen,” Frank says, and he suddenly feels as though a stopwatch has been set, like he’s on a timer. There’s only a limited amount of time for Frank to find Gerard while Gerard’s still moonstruck. Logically, if he were Gerard, he’d start hating himself for what Frank has put him through. Gerard doesn’t know what Frank’s situation is, but either way, it’s Frank’s fault that they’re separated right now. It’s all Frank’s fault, the pain that Gerard is going through. There’s only so long Gerard can put the blame on him before he starts resenting Frank for it.

Frank needs to find Gerard, and fast, because he can’t bear to live without him, and he definitely can’t bear to live in a world where Gerard actually hates him. Frank would give anything for that man, and the prospect of Gerard hating him is scarier than death to him.

For Gerard, Frank will do anything to prove his feelings. He’ll search forever if he has to, just for one more look at him. He knows, somewhere out there, Gerard is waiting for him, calling out for Frank to find him. Frank will stop at nothing to answer that call.

Frank has an escape from reality in Gerard. Gerard was lapse in time, an infinity compressed into a few hours. It’s like he lived a whole life in the span of knowing that boy, and he can’t begin to fathom what a life with him will be like. Frank needs him like nicotine. Gerard is the best kind of drug, one that takes him high, gives him a whole new perspective of the world and gives everything a wash of color.

Frank feels like his own grief melts off of him in a flash, to be replaced with the determination he has to find Gerard. He’s not going to get anywhere grieving over the loss, he surely isn’t going to bring Gerard any closer to him that way. His only option is to keep the faith that he’ll see Gerard again. He’s only got one path to choose, and that path is the one that will take him to Gerard.

“Fuck being sad,” Frank says, “the love of my life is out there waiting for me, and I’m letting him down every moment I waste without him by my side.”

Ray smiles at him, proud of himself for getting to Frank, a difficult feat considering how stubborn a motherfucker Frank can be. Frank’s right though, being sad is pointless, it only leads to decay.

Fuck being sad when all the world relies on happiness to prosper.
♠ ♠ ♠
I'm sorry this chapter took so long, but I recently started a new fic, which if you're interested, you can check out here.