Irretrievable

Cold air whipped around my legs, as I stood outside my house. The kitchen light shown bright in the darkness, I missed Izzie and the bar, the shitty awful bar but it was better than what would inevitably happen when I chose to walk into that house. I sighed, pulling my shirt up to sniff it. It could be worse, at least there was a chance she'd never know what i'd been doing. I stared at the blue door, the paint was peeling in sheets and I was surprised the harsh wind hadn't blown the door down. It would've been so easy to walk back to Izzies and curl up in her princess sheets, but it would only be worse the longer I waited the longer I avoided her. Don't get me wrong I love my mom, but I didn't know if I could take another “Teresa” or “young lady”. I took my first step, resting on the stairs. I wasn't the best son, but I didn't deserve to be called somebody's daughter. I grabbed the doorknob saying a quick prayer to anyone that was listening. I yanked my shoes off trying to be silent as possible, I dared not even breathe in fear of waking the woman who could probably evoke fear into god.
“Tony”
My heart stopped for a second, I was too buzzed for this. I stood still trying to put on my best sober face before I met her eyes. I gulped before turning to meet my mother who was practically radiating anger.
“Sorry, I fell asleep at Izzie's” I looked at her waiting for her face to soften and to my dismay it did not.
She spoke her words dripping with anger “I've had it with this, I’m so disappointed in you young lady”
Here it comes 5..4..3..2..1..
“Ever since you started this” she stopped to gesture to me “ fad, I don't even know who you are anymore. You stay out late, you don't listen to anything i have to say. You failed geometry, your teachers call me at least once a week about how you're never there and when you are there you get into fights” she was screaming by now her face red. “For fucks sake Teresa Marie you're not going to be allowed to keep up this transgender thing if you develop an attitude. I’m doing you a favor by going along with it and this is the thanks I get” she huffed her hands settling on her hips. I stayed silent trying my hardest not to cry, I took a deep breath waiting for her to finish. She ran her hand across her face pointing to the stairs “go to bed, I'll deal with this in the morning”. She didn't have to tell me twice, without even looking back I scurried up to my room. I settled on my bed, a dark blue mass of blankets scattered across it, cds and other various junk stood tall in the small room. I grabbed the neck of my t shirt tossing it into the mess. A full mirror stood on the far edge of my room something I'd rather not look at. But today was an exception, I swayed over to it gripping the edges of the cracked frame. I didn't even look like a Teresa and I sure as hell didn't look like no “young lady”. My heart thudded in my chest a heavy feeling taking over my abdomen.
“Don't cry, don't fucking cry” I whispered trying to calm myself down she didn't mean it .she was just mad. I sat back on the bed trying some form of lamaze breathing and just about tearing my hair out to stop from crying. The binder wasn't helping the panic attack I could feel rising in my chest, but I wasn't about to make this night any worse by taking it off. I laid down focusing on the glow in the dark stars strewn across my ceiling. I closed my eyes, desperately trying not to let the words eat me alive. What the fuck is this home?