Irretrievable

My sneakers pounded against the concrete. My chest was aching and I just wanted to crawl into bed and forget this day ever happened. My mother hid behind this facade that she was accepting and a nourishing. I knew it was all bullshit from the day I told her, I could see how hurt she was but she hid behind a smile and I thought shit would be okay. I didn't ever think it would be peaches and rainbows, I thought most nights would end in tears but I could live my life without her bothering me about how she's lost her "little girl". I laughed to myself

"Tonight's been a real fucking shit show" I mumbled. I had this motto that if you didn't laugh at everything shitty in your life you'd lose your shit. So I would continue to play like this didn't bother me and that I was going to come out of this complete unscathed. When in reality I had a deep rooted fear of middle aged women, and wanted to die a good 50% of the time. But at the end of the day as long as I made it to the day the universe decided to kill me off I was doing pretty okay. I fished a single pill out of my pocket, it was a vomit inducing pink and I had absolutely no idea what it was, regardless I popped it Into my mouth. Mike was cute and I was into cute, so if I could make the anxiety disappear for my interaction with Mike id eat charcoal.

"Tony" I stopped a smile stretched across my face. I was so fucking whipped.

"Hey Mikey, long time no smell. For real you smell fucking rancid dude" a laugh rolled off my tongue. He smiled a jaw dropping smile pulling a bowl from his jacket.

"Maybe later?" He smiled waving it in my face before promptly stuffing it back into the depths of his leather jacket. "Let's walk downtown, I hear the prostitutes are a real treat to watch in action" he slid his hand in mine, a smirk appeared on his face as he refused to make eye contact with me. But hey when had I ever ditched out on holding hands with handsome boys in their 20s?

"So Mike, tell me about yourself." I looked at him noticing the freckle on the side of his jaw.

"Let's see..I live at home still, I know it's a bit pathetic but I don't wanna break my mamas heart by leaving. Uh I have a brother named Vic you'll probably run into him eventually, he goes to about every queer function imaginable. I drink a lot of whisky, enjoy Rat Cloud more than I should and have a thing for a dude with a Mohawk." He popped his arm around my shoulder pulling me in close. I wanted to bury my bright red face in his jacket. Something about leather made me feel at home and the fact he smelled really fucking good. I'm not talking the dude threw on some old spice and called it good, he smelled like red sandlewood and carnations. To put it lightly I would bed him for the way he smelled alone. "Tell me about you, I was trying to ask around about you and got jack shit" he pulled me impossibly close lacing his hand with mine. Shit my thoughts were racing trying to come up with things that didn't reveal my already abundant lies.

"Uh" my hands were sweating and I was afraid his hand would slip right out of mine. "I'm not really good with talking about myself" I finally forced out, he didn't seem to mind before jumping back into talking about how everyone knew me but nobody knew anything about me. I was thankful I refused to make a fool out of myself and knowing how my luck was going tonight id probably tell him my dirty secret and get the whole punk scene to hate me. We stopped finally in front of a 7/11 the sign was halfway off and as he had said said a woman who I presumed to be said prostitute trying to make some money flirting with a beer bellied middle aged man. He pulled me to the wall resting his arm on my shoulder.

"This is the prime of Minneapolis. Now let's go get a slushie and wait for the drug deals" he smiled at me and my head went dumb and for once I couldn't tell if it was the drugs or that dumbasses smile.