Irretrievable

It was a rarity to wake up in my own bed these days. I was lucky if I even managed to make it home before the sun came up let alone crawl into tear stained sheets. To most it was a little strange maybe even concerning that I was a half time resident in my own home at the age of sixteen. But after my mother practically threw in the towel on parenting all those weeks ago, it was easier to pretend we were just roommates then an actual family. I mean yeah I'll admit it, it hurts a little bit as my mother stares across the table at me like she met me on Craigslist and soon realized I was a mess and left her in debt from always skipping rent. I wasn't her son anymore and I was beginning to think I never really was. No matter what she did to me she was still my mother and I still loved her, but something tells me she didn't feel the same I wasn't her kid, I wasn't her son I wasn't even a charity case. I was the waste of a room a waste of a relationship. I rolled over facing a messy haired boy who looked vaguely familiar. I started at the words printed along side his leather jacket which was caked in vomit or maybe cum? It said in large letters faggot with a big old heart circling it. He was the kid from the volt. He looked far less angsty than he did when I saw him three months ago. His formerly black hair had grown out a few inches revealing dirty blonde roots. I never had the chance to ask him how he and mike knew each other, Mikey had a good 5 maybe 6 years on this kid and the kid looked maybe 16 but could easily pass as 12. I climbed over him feeling around for the pack of cigarettes I'd stolen from mike. We'd gotten close, I had conveniently forgotten to tell him the truth about my age and he was none the wiser. I mean most of my story was true I was practically homeless lived on people's couches, made most of my money making shitty flash sheets for the girls at my school wanting to flaunt on Instagram and the rest was pocketed from my mothers purse. Frankly she had it coming, this was like child support or some shit. The emancipation of a minor means I get money and a 20 every few weeks isn't going to break her back. I climbed off the bed stumbling around looking for my backpack, I don't even remember how I got here but judging by the kid on the bed who reached of peach vodka I had probably gotten too fucked again. I was seeing this as my "I'm a fucking adult phase" it was normal for young adults to party too hard and casually forget their name and lie to their partners about very important matters. I wasn't a young adult I was barely even legal to drive, I was shoved into this life and god dammit I wasn't gonna be sober for it. I grabbed my jacket from the floor and the last half of a whisky bottle the sleeping teen had stashed under his bed. This felt an awful lot like my Ke$ha moment except I wasn't in a bathtub and there was no mick jagger doppelgänger waiting outside. But Unfortunately as I stumbled down the stairs I saw a family staring in confusion and shock from the breakfast bar. I smiled throwing a peace sign before scurrying out the front door and legging it to somewhere far far away. With my luck the happy family would call the cops on me and I'd be right back to square one with a mother who wishes she would've used a condom and a room that still looked like a tornado had torn through it. A few weeks ago right before I officially decided I was going to spend less than an hour there a week, my mom had torn threw my room finding everything there was to find and some more things I had forgotten were even there and threatening to send me away. I wanted to call her bluff but I wa quite sure she would send me anywhere if it wouldn't mean she would go broke within a week. But I wasn't testing my luck because she really did seem to hate me enough to file for bankruptcy. I pulled out the now new track phone I had boughten and dialed Mikey's number praying he would pick up. He was the only good thing in this equation, I guess I'd been treating like shit from all the last partners or maybe mike was sent down from the heavens I wasn't gonna dwell on it because the more I did the more I felt guilty for all the lies I'd told him. Hell he hadn't even gotten my pants off because I had also conveniently forgotten to tell him about the lack of cock in my drawers. But it was okay because maybe my legs would get blown off in a unfortunate bus accident and I could just curse my bad luck for never getting laid. I mean at this point it seemed plausible I had been seeing and I put the term loosely mike for almost 3 months and the lies were getting too much and if I started admiring I had LIED my whole story would be under scrutiny. And uh frankly the whole story was a lie.

"Hey baby" I sang in the phone

"What are you doing right now? I need to see you soon."

I smiled telling him I'd meet him at his house in 10. Maybe I could pretend I had died in a motorcycle accident, come back but now I'm my good twin and make Mikey fall madly in love with me. I'd change my name too something t cool something like johnny or dick suker 420. I chuckled making my way down the cracked sidewalk. I wondered if there was even legal to change my name to something ridiculous or would they try to commit me. I mean it would be funny and if my name was dick suker 420 I would happily be committed of course I would only be addressed as king dick suker because I'm fucking classy like that. I sauntered up to mike's family home skipping the upturned bottom step and happily knocking on the door. He opened the door a somber look on his face. My mind felt like one of those hamsters on those stupid little wheels except the hamster spinning in my brain just did Coke. I sat down on his couch and just like I knew he would he sat across from me. He wouldn't even be on the same couch this time, and somehow all I could think of is the concerned counselor at my school who sat across from me and asked if I was okay at home. I stared at the stubble on his chin, he didn't look good he looked messy and unkempt like he hadn't showered In a week and spent the week sweating. He paused running his fingers through his tangled hair. And he said those 4 words that sent my world crashing down, everything good in the world has been snatched away and somehow it was all my fault.

" you lied to me" he spoke anger making its way through the hurt in his voice

"About what" I stuttered out watching his face contorted into anger.

"Everything!" he screamed " your age , your life, your fuckinf friends , I don't even know you you're a complete fucking stranger! I gave you my love, I fucking cared about you. Why would you lie. You don't lie to people you care about you don't pussy out and never tell them. I fucking told you my soul and you didn't even have the decency to tell me about you" he spat on me his facing growing red

I sat shocked tears welling up in my eyes. Everything he was saying was true but it still cut like s knife. I was a shitty person.

"Yeah you wanna know what else" I spit back with just as much venom "I fucking LIED some more because I'm not even a real fucking guy. I'm a fag a tranny a no good fucking faker" I screamed tears streaming down my face his face changed to one of confusion as I grabbed the door slamming it shut behind me. It felt like the earth was gonna open up and swallow me whole I was a shitty person. I let out a sob officially breaking down on my ex almost boyfriends family porch. I just needed someone to care about me, I just needed one single ducking person to love me, not pity that genuine shit you read about in those overplayed books. But maybe that wasn't what j was gonna get, maybe it was me? I sunk into the steps of my ex almost boyfriends families house. Maybe I was destined to die in a seedy motel room, covered in a mick jagger doppelgängers cum praying to a god in a sky I claimed I didn't believe in. Maybe this was karma's way of telling me to eat shit. Or maybe life was like a game of poker and I just had some shitty fucking cards.