How to Ditch Your Baggage
Step One: Get Her Attention
I like making lists.
In fact, if I could tell you this whole story in the form of lists, I would. I mean I could, I’m the only one who can tell you this story, but for historical accuracy and whatnot, I shouldn’t.
Howeverrrrrr, if I was to say fuck all to historical accuracy, this is how I’d tell you about the world ending:
How the World Came to a Sudden & Halting Population of One, Me (Sloane)
1. one night, march 31st to be exact (see I can be accurate), I went to bed
2. I went to bed hungry if we’re still being accurate
3. just saying
4. I didn’t wake up until noon the next day
5. I also didn’t wake up to the sound of honking cars
6. or that asshole who always screams about gentrification outside my window
7. which is not typical since I live in the lower east side
8. I’d be lying (which in context of being historically accurate would probably be unconstitutional) if I said I was mad
9. I was pretty damn happy
10. until I walked three blocks to my favorite bagel shop and found it empty
11. that’s when I realized there was something wrong
So I’m also realizing now that the title of this list doesn’t really attest to what I’m claiming to do (tell you how the World collapsed, come on, keep up). Maybe I’ll add like a footnote: See HBO’s The Leftovers for details.
Or maybe I’ll just rename that list above; we’ll call it How I Came to Realize the World Was Over. Or, rather, everyone else’s world was over. My world is clearly still working fine. Since I’m alive. And everyone else is (presumably) dead.
Presumably because this could’ve been a really, really, fucking elaborate April Fool’s Joke. That the whole world decided to play against me. (lol nah I ain’t that important for people to go to all the trouble)(not to mention I owe my landlord like four months of rent and he wasn’t about to disappear without collecting that shit)
Hm.
I’ll just make a second list.
How the World Came to a Sudden & Halting Population of One, Me (Sloane)
1. Everyone disappeared
2. Vanished
3. Gone
4. See HBO’s The Leftovers for details.
See when I put it like that I’m sure you have no problem grasping the physics-defying concept of the human population’s extinction.
Although I’m not sure the TV show gets it exactly right. I mean the whole premise is that there are Leftovers, plural. They may have miscalculated how many people remain on Earth.
I guess my assumption here, the big ol’ elephant in the room, is that in a thousand years there will be a population of kids to educate on what happened seemingly, apparently, over night, which may not be true. Unless I somehow, spontaneously, develop the ability to reproduce asexually.
Maybe I already have that adaptation and that’s why I’ve survived.
Maybe I’m carrying sweet baby Jesus in my womb as we speak.
Well, shit, someone better remind me to grab a pregnancy test the next time I go to the store.
So by this point, I’m sure you’re thinking I’ve gone crazy. I, debatably, was crazy well before the world ended. So maybe this counteracts the crazy. Maybe I’m sane now.
That’s neither here nor there, though.
I’m not going to lie because what’s the point? Might as well be brutally honest. You can think I’m an awful person, but since I’m the only person it makes me the best person. And the smartest. And the prettiest. Cool. I just won all the high school superlatives I was totally snubbed.
I’m going to be honest here when I say I’m living my best life.
In fact, six months ago I was sure that I would end up starving to death in my apartment only to be eaten by my cockroach infestation. This is a step or two up from that.
Let’s call this The Great Disappearing Act of 2016. In the GDA 2k16 (sounds like a xbox video game lol)(I’m so funny I could do stand up)(I should totes do stand up), right, uhm, so in the GDA 2k16, I’m the only person alive. I went from being a poor college drop out to the only woman alive.
Things that Don’t Exist When You’re the Only Person Alive
1. Private property
2. Social etiquette
3. Electricity
4. Rules
Basically, this new life meant I could take what I wanted, when I wanted and nobody could tell me not to because there was no one here to do that. So I spent a good six months overwhelmed by the fact I owned the United States. I owned everything in it.
That black Porsche parked outside a beach house in Miami was my black Porsche parked outside my beach house. And if I crashed said Porsche (I’m from the City, we don’t do much driving) I could always just grab my Lambo from next door. It was six months of indulgence. Six months of traveling. Just soaking it up in the lap of luxury.
Maybe I’m a bad person, but I’m also the only person, which makes me the best person too. Just saying.
Societal Norms You No Longer Need to Follow When You’re the Only Person Alive
1. Paying for your groceries
2. Paying for gas
3. Paying for anything
4. Waiting in line
5. Speed limits
6. Respecting any laws, really
Being the only person alive, there isn’t a need for money. Which is awesome. Because as my past will show, I’m not responsible enough to handle my financials.
Things You Can Do When You’re the Only Person Alive
1. Anything
It doesn’t get old.
It doesn’t, believe me. But at some point you sit down and realize you’re the last person alive and either you die or you make something of yourself. So here I am making something of myself.
I need a better purpose other than Grand Theft Auto.
Things You Miss a Lot When the World Ends
1. Electricity and everything related to it
2. Like television
3. And A/C
4. And internet
5. Fresh food
6. Like fruit
7. Not people
I’m in the business of trying to rectify this list.
That’s why I’m doing all this. You know, living like a real person. I farm now, bitches. I’m also a pescatarian because I can’t bring myself to kill any of my farm pets.
Note to all you future farmers: don’t name your livestock, they become more life than stock. Just saying.
Here’s a quick PSA: farming is not fucking easy. Since I’m the only person currently alive, which basically makes me like the founding father for whatever happens to earth in the future I’m decreeing that farmers become the politicians of the world. They deserve more credit.
I realize I’m at a disadvantage being from the city and all, but shit man, no amount of books can actually prepare you for that kind of work.
But I’ll tell you all about my farm when I head back home.
It’s Sunday, and it’s my decree that Sundays are the day off from the farm. So I’m on a mission to stock up on some white cheddar pop corners. It sounds random because you’re just hearing about it, but I’ve been eating these chips for over a while now.
I go through phases where I get hooked on one specific snack. Right now its those cheese-coated rice cake chips. I eat something like four or five bags a day. And I’m not talking the snack bags.
CVS always has my pop corners. They also have pregnancy tests. I really wasn’t kidding about testing that theory. I’m telling you I probably have you, your future, in my womb. I’ll be sure to grab some prenatal vitamins. You’re welcome for being fucking responsible.
It’s quiet everywhere without humans, but not silent. Nature makes noises that I can finally appreciate without all the noise pollution humans contribute.
There’s a set of birds outside the CVS. They’re looking at me expectantly, beady eyes and all. “You’re all getting fat,” I comment lightly. “You’re very fucking welcome.”
I run into the Petco next door, grab a bag of feed, and fill the bird feeders I put up outside the store. I’m a nice ass bitch, that’s why. You’ll thank me one day when birds are friends, not pesky buggers that shit on everything.
I’m like Noah of the Earth instead of the Arc. Basically the Arc is Earth in this scenario.
I head inside the CVS. It's early enough that most of the store is illuminated by the sun outside. I grab a basket, and head towards the snacks. There are an assortment of Doritos, Cheetos, and Tostitos. Where the pop corners should be is…nothing.
“The fuck,” I say because in a world without people it is completely and totally acceptable to talk to yourself. “I must be a fat ass if I ate all these damn chips. I could’ve fucking sworn that I left some behind the last time I was here, though? Well shit.”
I head to the back of the CVS. I have to grab a flashlight off the shelves, and some batteries before I head into the stockroom. I find the section of snacks in the tower of shit CVS keeps in stock. Doritos. Cheetos. Tostitos.
“This is a fucking joke. There is no way just no way that I ate that many bags of pop corners. I just, what? Ugh.”
I could go home. I could but why should I when there’s another CVS just waiting for me to raid it, and essentially rid it, of pop corners?
“Peace bitches, I’ll be back in a few days to feed your fat asses,” I call to the birds digging in at the bird feeders before I climb back into my car (I took the ‘stang today, cause I can) and head to the next CVS.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m standing the backroom glaring at the section where there should, definitely should, be a huge, ginormous, amount of pop corners. There’s no way I cleared two CVS’s of pop corners already.
“This is obscene. This is a cosmic joke.” I glare some more. Rub my eyes because maybe it’s an optical illusion. Maybe the heat is getting to me. Just because, I head back into the CVS, grab a scale off one of the shelves, unbox it, and weigh myself.
If I ate as many bags of pop corners as is missing, I had to have gained a thousand pounds. This is ridic.
I head for the door, deciding I’ll hit Shoprite, because I know, I know for a fact that there will be pop corners there, and tons of it. I’ll do most of my grocery shopping while I’m there. I would’ve liked to make a list, but you know, I’ll just like wing it.
When I step outside, I have to squint to adjust to the sunlight. I slide my sunglasses onto my face (Ray Ban Round Fleck because I’m a collector of everything now that I can have anything and boy have I taken my share of sunglasses, I’ve got a pair for every day of my life).
Anyway. I slip my sunglasses on, and unlock the ‘stang (old habits I’m afraid) and just as I’m about to get in, a hulking black truck rolls slowly around the side of CVS. The bed of the truck is filled, no, brimming, with pop corners. MY pop corners.
And the driver has his head sticking out of the window, a huge shit-eating grin on his face as he beams at me.
And all I can think is this bitch has some nerve stealing my fucking pop corners.
In fact, if I could tell you this whole story in the form of lists, I would. I mean I could, I’m the only one who can tell you this story, but for historical accuracy and whatnot, I shouldn’t.
Howeverrrrrr, if I was to say fuck all to historical accuracy, this is how I’d tell you about the world ending:
How the World Came to a Sudden & Halting Population of One, Me (Sloane)
1. one night, march 31st to be exact (see I can be accurate), I went to bed
2. I went to bed hungry if we’re still being accurate
3. just saying
4. I didn’t wake up until noon the next day
5. I also didn’t wake up to the sound of honking cars
6. or that asshole who always screams about gentrification outside my window
7. which is not typical since I live in the lower east side
8. I’d be lying (which in context of being historically accurate would probably be unconstitutional) if I said I was mad
9. I was pretty damn happy
10. until I walked three blocks to my favorite bagel shop and found it empty
11. that’s when I realized there was something wrong
So I’m also realizing now that the title of this list doesn’t really attest to what I’m claiming to do (tell you how the World collapsed, come on, keep up). Maybe I’ll add like a footnote: See HBO’s The Leftovers for details.
Or maybe I’ll just rename that list above; we’ll call it How I Came to Realize the World Was Over. Or, rather, everyone else’s world was over. My world is clearly still working fine. Since I’m alive. And everyone else is (presumably) dead.
Presumably because this could’ve been a really, really, fucking elaborate April Fool’s Joke. That the whole world decided to play against me. (lol nah I ain’t that important for people to go to all the trouble)(not to mention I owe my landlord like four months of rent and he wasn’t about to disappear without collecting that shit)
Hm.
I’ll just make a second list.
How the World Came to a Sudden & Halting Population of One, Me (Sloane)
1. Everyone disappeared
2. Vanished
3. Gone
4. See HBO’s The Leftovers for details.
See when I put it like that I’m sure you have no problem grasping the physics-defying concept of the human population’s extinction.
Although I’m not sure the TV show gets it exactly right. I mean the whole premise is that there are Leftovers, plural. They may have miscalculated how many people remain on Earth.
I guess my assumption here, the big ol’ elephant in the room, is that in a thousand years there will be a population of kids to educate on what happened seemingly, apparently, over night, which may not be true. Unless I somehow, spontaneously, develop the ability to reproduce asexually.
Maybe I already have that adaptation and that’s why I’ve survived.
Maybe I’m carrying sweet baby Jesus in my womb as we speak.
Well, shit, someone better remind me to grab a pregnancy test the next time I go to the store.
So by this point, I’m sure you’re thinking I’ve gone crazy. I, debatably, was crazy well before the world ended. So maybe this counteracts the crazy. Maybe I’m sane now.
That’s neither here nor there, though.
I’m not going to lie because what’s the point? Might as well be brutally honest. You can think I’m an awful person, but since I’m the only person it makes me the best person. And the smartest. And the prettiest. Cool. I just won all the high school superlatives I was totally snubbed.
I’m going to be honest here when I say I’m living my best life.
In fact, six months ago I was sure that I would end up starving to death in my apartment only to be eaten by my cockroach infestation. This is a step or two up from that.
Let’s call this The Great Disappearing Act of 2016. In the GDA 2k16 (sounds like a xbox video game lol)(I’m so funny I could do stand up)(I should totes do stand up), right, uhm, so in the GDA 2k16, I’m the only person alive. I went from being a poor college drop out to the only woman alive.
Things that Don’t Exist When You’re the Only Person Alive
1. Private property
2. Social etiquette
3. Electricity
4. Rules
Basically, this new life meant I could take what I wanted, when I wanted and nobody could tell me not to because there was no one here to do that. So I spent a good six months overwhelmed by the fact I owned the United States. I owned everything in it.
That black Porsche parked outside a beach house in Miami was my black Porsche parked outside my beach house. And if I crashed said Porsche (I’m from the City, we don’t do much driving) I could always just grab my Lambo from next door. It was six months of indulgence. Six months of traveling. Just soaking it up in the lap of luxury.
Maybe I’m a bad person, but I’m also the only person, which makes me the best person too. Just saying.
Societal Norms You No Longer Need to Follow When You’re the Only Person Alive
1. Paying for your groceries
2. Paying for gas
3. Paying for anything
4. Waiting in line
5. Speed limits
6. Respecting any laws, really
Being the only person alive, there isn’t a need for money. Which is awesome. Because as my past will show, I’m not responsible enough to handle my financials.
Things You Can Do When You’re the Only Person Alive
1. Anything
It doesn’t get old.
It doesn’t, believe me. But at some point you sit down and realize you’re the last person alive and either you die or you make something of yourself. So here I am making something of myself.
I need a better purpose other than Grand Theft Auto.
Things You Miss a Lot When the World Ends
1. Electricity and everything related to it
2. Like television
3. And A/C
4. And internet
5. Fresh food
6. Like fruit
7. Not people
I’m in the business of trying to rectify this list.
That’s why I’m doing all this. You know, living like a real person. I farm now, bitches. I’m also a pescatarian because I can’t bring myself to kill any of my farm pets.
Note to all you future farmers: don’t name your livestock, they become more life than stock. Just saying.
Here’s a quick PSA: farming is not fucking easy. Since I’m the only person currently alive, which basically makes me like the founding father for whatever happens to earth in the future I’m decreeing that farmers become the politicians of the world. They deserve more credit.
I realize I’m at a disadvantage being from the city and all, but shit man, no amount of books can actually prepare you for that kind of work.
But I’ll tell you all about my farm when I head back home.
It’s Sunday, and it’s my decree that Sundays are the day off from the farm. So I’m on a mission to stock up on some white cheddar pop corners. It sounds random because you’re just hearing about it, but I’ve been eating these chips for over a while now.
I go through phases where I get hooked on one specific snack. Right now its those cheese-coated rice cake chips. I eat something like four or five bags a day. And I’m not talking the snack bags.
CVS always has my pop corners. They also have pregnancy tests. I really wasn’t kidding about testing that theory. I’m telling you I probably have you, your future, in my womb. I’ll be sure to grab some prenatal vitamins. You’re welcome for being fucking responsible.
It’s quiet everywhere without humans, but not silent. Nature makes noises that I can finally appreciate without all the noise pollution humans contribute.
There’s a set of birds outside the CVS. They’re looking at me expectantly, beady eyes and all. “You’re all getting fat,” I comment lightly. “You’re very fucking welcome.”
I run into the Petco next door, grab a bag of feed, and fill the bird feeders I put up outside the store. I’m a nice ass bitch, that’s why. You’ll thank me one day when birds are friends, not pesky buggers that shit on everything.
I’m like Noah of the Earth instead of the Arc. Basically the Arc is Earth in this scenario.
I head inside the CVS. It's early enough that most of the store is illuminated by the sun outside. I grab a basket, and head towards the snacks. There are an assortment of Doritos, Cheetos, and Tostitos. Where the pop corners should be is…nothing.
“The fuck,” I say because in a world without people it is completely and totally acceptable to talk to yourself. “I must be a fat ass if I ate all these damn chips. I could’ve fucking sworn that I left some behind the last time I was here, though? Well shit.”
I head to the back of the CVS. I have to grab a flashlight off the shelves, and some batteries before I head into the stockroom. I find the section of snacks in the tower of shit CVS keeps in stock. Doritos. Cheetos. Tostitos.
“This is a fucking joke. There is no way just no way that I ate that many bags of pop corners. I just, what? Ugh.”
I could go home. I could but why should I when there’s another CVS just waiting for me to raid it, and essentially rid it, of pop corners?
“Peace bitches, I’ll be back in a few days to feed your fat asses,” I call to the birds digging in at the bird feeders before I climb back into my car (I took the ‘stang today, cause I can) and head to the next CVS.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m standing the backroom glaring at the section where there should, definitely should, be a huge, ginormous, amount of pop corners. There’s no way I cleared two CVS’s of pop corners already.
“This is obscene. This is a cosmic joke.” I glare some more. Rub my eyes because maybe it’s an optical illusion. Maybe the heat is getting to me. Just because, I head back into the CVS, grab a scale off one of the shelves, unbox it, and weigh myself.
If I ate as many bags of pop corners as is missing, I had to have gained a thousand pounds. This is ridic.
I head for the door, deciding I’ll hit Shoprite, because I know, I know for a fact that there will be pop corners there, and tons of it. I’ll do most of my grocery shopping while I’m there. I would’ve liked to make a list, but you know, I’ll just like wing it.
When I step outside, I have to squint to adjust to the sunlight. I slide my sunglasses onto my face (Ray Ban Round Fleck because I’m a collector of everything now that I can have anything and boy have I taken my share of sunglasses, I’ve got a pair for every day of my life).
Anyway. I slip my sunglasses on, and unlock the ‘stang (old habits I’m afraid) and just as I’m about to get in, a hulking black truck rolls slowly around the side of CVS. The bed of the truck is filled, no, brimming, with pop corners. MY pop corners.
And the driver has his head sticking out of the window, a huge shit-eating grin on his face as he beams at me.
And all I can think is this bitch has some nerve stealing my fucking pop corners.