How to Ditch Your Baggage

Previously on You’re Annoying, Go Away: despite Sloane’s threats, Shay has shown up at her Estate in his black truck with the same shit-eating grin on his face, like he thinks Sloane will be over the moon to see him. Spoiler: she’s not.

“Seriously,” I mutter as I let the curtain fall back into place and step away from the window. I head for the front door, shoving Springsteen out of the way. The damn Great Dane is always under my feet, which I don’t even get because he’s more than half my size.

“You think this guy would take a hint,” I say to Alaska who’s sitting by the door, making anxious whiny noises. She can clearly tell there’s an intruder.

I might as well give you a quick running list of all my dogs so you don’t shit a brick trying to keep up. Like I said, I’m a collector of fine things so why can’t I have a fuckton of dogs? It’s not like there are people to keep me company.

Animals Under My Sworn Protection
↳ Think blonde badass to Sansa Stark sworn
1. Alaska, my sort of old (maybe 5? Human years) Great Pyrenees
2. Springsteen, my grey Great Dane
3. He’s awesome he looks like a horse
4. Of course, I have horses too
5. But I’mma stick to my dogs so I don’t confuse your dumbass
6. Rocky is my Bullmastiff
7. He’s cool but I only got him so I could pair him with Bullwinkle, my Shiba Inu
8. Tell anyone that though and I’ll deny the shit out of it
9. Then there’s Teddy, my Bernese Mountain Dog
10. And Sylvia P. (after my home girl Sylvia Plath, of course). She’s a lab.

I know it sounds like I’m a dog lady. But don’t worry, I’ve got cats, too. I’ll introduce you to them later.

Whatever stalker boy is doing outside, it’s riling up the dogs. Alaska’s well-trained, quick shout out to her previous owners you da real MVP. She doesn’t move when I open the door, but Rocky shoots out like a boy’s first blowjob – quick and completely without warning.

I’m not even mad. About Rocky, that is. Not the blowjob thing. That’s just a lack of fucking manners right there.

You wouldn’t know it looking at him, but he’s about the friendliest dog there is. Still, perception’s a bitch and Rocky running at Stalker Shay sends him jumping back into his truck within seconds. Serves him fucking right, I think as I take my time grabbing one of the leashes by the door and walking out to get him.

Of course, with the door open and all the noise, Springsteen and Sylvia have darted outside as well. I forego the leash because it’s not going to help me any. Stalker Shay rolls the window down and says, “Is he going to bite me if I get out of the car?”

“Yes,” I say flatly. Of course, Rocky decides this is the moment where he’s going to plop down in the grass and start rolling around like he’s tripping major ballsacks.

Stalker Shay gives me a skeptical look before opening the door slowly. “You’ve got a lot of dogs here, huh?” he says as he gets out and closes the door. Sylvie is at his side in seconds sniffing him, and then Rocky comes up and slobbers all over his pant legs.

“Good boy,” I say as I hook my finger through his collar and pull him back. Stalker Shay is cringing as he wipes at his pants. “What’re you doing here?” He stops what he’s doing to look up at me like I just blindsided him with my question.

“I really think we got off on the wrong foot,” he responds calmly. He looks at me levelly like some amount of eye contact is going to change how I feel about him.

“I’m not a psychic but 100% I know how this conversation is going to go. So let’s just skip to the end. We agree to disagree. And you leave.”

He runs a hand through his blonde curls, shaking his head. “I don’t get it. You’ve made your mind up on how you feel about me based on what? The fact I went out of my way to bring you the, presumably, only snack you eat?”

“Listen I don’t need this.” I point between us. “I’m good without human interaction. In fact, I’m thriving. So you showing up kinda ruins everything that’s been going pretty damn great for me since the world ended.”

He crosses his arms. “I don’t believe you.”

I furrow my brows questioningly. “No, I promise you that this life is a thousand times better than the one I was living before the world ended. Like I’m not even going to argue with you on this. I’m just going to point to the FERRARI in my driveway.” I point.

He cracks a smile, and okay, yeah I’m funny but if I was him right now I’d probably be the last person I’d smile at. It’s like he’s wearing full body armor against my verbal abuse. What is up with him?

“No,” he says, shaking his head. “I believe that you think you’re living your best life or whatever. I don’t believe you think you’re good without human interaction.”

I frown. “Agree to disagree,” I say.

“Not agreeing to disagree,” he responds. “You’ve got like nine dogs. You’re compensating.”

My temper flares. Like hell am I compensating. I don’t have a fucking complex. “I’ve got six dogs.”

“Oh, sorry, my apologies. Six dogs. How many cats do you have?”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t have any cats.” Asshole.

He points to my house. “That looks like a cat in your window.”

Cringing, I turn to glance at Mellie who’s sitting in the window meowing at me. She is the neediest fucking cat. I can’t step out of the house for two seconds without her finding the window with the best vantage point and crying till I come back inside. But then the moment I go to pick her up, she runs off.

Nobody likes hard to get, Mellie.

“Animals and humans are completely different. Just because I like their company doesn’t mean I’ll like yours,” I shoot back at him hoping to wipe the smug expression off his face. It remains.

“Well how could you know that if you don’t try me out first?”

“A. because you’re not a fucking car that I need to test drive and B. I didn’t appreciate the sexual undertones of that question. Try rewording it.” Just like that, the expression’s off his face and I’ve taken back control over the situation.

At least I think I do.

Stalker Shay responds, “Give me a week. If you still hate me, I’ll cross the Mason-Dixon line and you’ll never have to see me again.”

I stare at him, wanting so much to say no to his request. Something prevents me from doing it.

Some Things I’m Feeling Right Now
1. Curiosity
2. Interest
3. Weirdly enough some attraction?
4. Fuck no that’s just nausea

He says calmly, “It’s a fair proposition.”

“Seven days is a long time.”

“It took seven days to create the earth. It has biblical significance.”

“I’m an atheist.”

“Seven is a lucky number.”

I roll my eyes. “Ugh, fine, whatever. You’re going to need all the luck you can get, anyway. This isn’t going to work.”

“Really? Cause it feels like you’re already warming up to me.”

My lip curls in disgust. Like hell I am.

We stand in front of my house, neither of us saying anything for a minute. “So now what?” I snap.

“Probably your name is a good place to start.”

I hesitate, before mumbling, “It’s Sloane.”

“Stone?” he asks.

I start to say, “No, Sloa—“ and then notice his playful grin. “You fucker.”

He’s still grinning as he steps forward and gestures up towards the house. “I think this is the part where you invite me inside. Show me around. Maybe introduce me to all of your pets.”

I’m not a good fucking hostess. I’ve never had to host anyone before, other than like my cockroaches, and they didn’t require much. Just a shitty living space, really.

I point to Rocky who’s lying by his feet, the fucking traitor. “That’s Rocky and that’s Sylvia Plath but I mostly call her Sylvie P. And that’s Springsteen.” I start towards the stairs, nodding my head in the direction of the door. “The rest of ‘em are inside.”

The three dogs run past me once I make it known I’m going back inside. I shut the door behind Stalker Shay as the rest of the dogs come running up to us to sniff him. “This is Bullwinkle and Teddy and Alaska right there," I point up the staircase where Alaska's sitting staring at us.She's so well trained she puts the rest of the pups to shame. "That’s the living room, kitchens in the back. Dining room off to that side.”

“It’s a nice place,” he says like he’s supposed to. I make a sound, as close to a thank you he’s going to get. “The cat?” He points to Mellie as she runs past us up the stairs. Springsteen makes a show of trying to chase her but runs into the doorframe and is down for the count.

“That’s Mellie,” I respond. “President Fitzgerald and Olivia are around somewhere, probably upstairs. They’re all Siamese. But Olivia’s obviously the brown one and Fitz is the boy.”

“So you clearly named your pets after things you enjoy,” he muses.

“Yeah, well, seeing as I’ll never get to find out whether Olivia ends up with Jake Ballard or Fitz or her father decides to off with her head, I took the liberty of continuing their legacy in my cats.”

He nods slowly. “So you like Shonda Rhimes TV and Bruce Springsteen. Bad cartoons and Sylvia Plath.”

My face twists, sickened by his determination. “Alright you know entirely too much about me for having spent zero amount of time with me. We’re going to need some distance from each other. I’ll show you to your room.”

I start up the stairs before he can respond, turning down the hallway as far, far, far away from my bedroom as I can get. It’s the corner bedroom. When I took over the house, I did some major recon, swapping out furniture and decorations. The place had weird Western vibes and I prefer a more gaudy show of money.

This room is no short of that with fur rugs and throw pillows. I kept the original dark wood furniture because lugging that shit up and down the stairs wasn’t something I was ever going to try.

Stalker Shay whistles, coming up behind me. His presence makes my neck prickle and I step into the room to get away from him.

“It has an attached bathroom, so I shouldn’t see you indecently exposed outside this room.” His cheeks pinken and he gives me a look. I realize what I just said.

“I mean ever! You shouldn’t be indecently exposed ever except for when you’re in this room at which point I will be nowhere near this room because I don’t want to see your indecent exposure, kapiche? Use this bathroom. Not the one in the hall. Remain clothed at all other times. Kay. Thanks. Bye.”

I move to leave but he’s standing in the doorway still and I’m prickly all over and don’t want to get anywhere near him. “Where’s your room?”

“Look you’re on a need to know basis, here. And you definitely don’t need to know where I sleep defended by my kennel of dogs, and the shotgun I keep under my pillow, and the super contagious herpes I have that’s been flaring up like a bitch lately and is the no joke of STDs.”

“Aren’t all STD’s no joke? Also, I believe they’re called STI’s now.”

“Uhm, Herpes is for life. That’s why it’s the no joke STD. You don’t joke about shit that can’t be cured with some treatment and religion.”

“I’m not going to try something while you’re sleeping. I feel like I should probably clarify that since that appears to be your pressing concern.”

“Yeah I fucking know you’re not because like I said, kennel of blood hungry hounds, a shotgun under my pillow, and a very serious case of Chlamydia.”

“I thought it was herpes.”

“It’s a hybrid thing. We’re still in the identification stage of things.”

He seemingly ignores my comment altogether instead saying, “I guess I’ll go get my things and then I can help you with whatever you’re doing for dinner?”

“Actually, the first rule of the farm is the animals eat first. So you can help me feed them.”

“I’m sorry, the farm?”

“Uhm what’d you think I chose a house in East bumblefuck for the fresh air and scenery?”

“So you have a farm.”

“Yes, in fact, you’re standing in it right now.”

“Huh. I wasn’t expecting that.”

I place a hand to my heart. “I think it’s important to preserve life.”

His expression changes quickly, outrage and annoyance evident in the wrinkles that form on his forehead. “You’re actually the craziest person alive, you know that?”

“Well, it was between you or me, and yeah no offense but you’re pretty much a wet blanket.” He rolls his eyes. “Don’t act like you don’t find me entertaining and hysterical as all hell.” He takes too long to respond so I give him a toothy grin before pushing past him and heading out the door. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to my squad.”