They Fell

The night that Jack Barakat admitted he was in love with his best friend, they had been sitting on his roof as the sun set in the distance.

The sky bled dark hues- purples, blues, and grays, with the occasional dash of pink or orange as the last glimmers of sunlight dropped below the horizon. It had been rather early, almost six o'clock, on a mild December night, just weeks before Christmas. However, not even the cold or snow could deter the two friends from climbing up onto the roof that looked out onto the Barakat’s front lawn with a couple of beers.

At first, it was something they did out of desperation. On a night that they had both needed air. They had been desperate to taste the freedom that had been buried underneath a heap of bullshit. Blissfully unaware that they had started a routine that would last for year. It was one moment out of many, that would shape their story.

It had started when they were fourteen, just after Jack had gotten out of the hospital. He had been stuck there for two weeks after he had passed out during gym class because he had eaten nothing but a handful of carrots and two saltine crackers in eight days. Alex had come to visit him almost every day during visiting hours, and they had sat in that tiny hospital room as the drip of the IV that pumped nutrients into Jack’s veins filled the awkward lapses in conversation that tried to veer around the elephant in the room.

Alex never told him what everyone else did after they had found out. He had never said, “You're sick and you have a problem.” He had never blamed Jack, never told him that he was going to kill himself if he didn't change. No, Alex just held his hand and told him stories about what he was missing at school, and refused to let him feel alone.

After Jack was deemed well enough to go home by his doctors, his parents took immediate action. They got him a therapist, monitored his eating habits 24/7 and basically kept him on house arrest, as if he would wander off into the woods and starve himself when they weren't looking. It was hard to tell what they wanted to accomplish back then.

Perhaps it had been a “grounding” or sorts, though Jack thought it a little ridiculous. It was as if they were saying, “Hey, you nearly starved yourself to death so we’re going to punish you for it.” Nothing his parents did really made sense to him back then. It was only years later that he finally understood why they did what they did, even if their decisions may have been a bit misguided.

What he knew for certain was that they had been scared out of their minds. Alex had been scared, too but he tried his best not to show it. He put on a mask of bravery and wore it often, for Jack’s sake. Even though Jack knew that he didn't deserve that kind of love, that kind of caring. But he was sure that Alex had blamed himself. That he beat himself up over every excuse he had bought, every after-lunch bathroom trip he hadn't thought twice about, the way that he tried to ignore how prominent Jack’s bones had become.

So that's how they had ended up all cooped up in Jack’s bedroom with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Their skin had itched with adrenaline and the desire to do something- anything. Especially, Jack, who had barely been allowed to leave the house for the entire month he had been home.

The fact that it was a fairly rebellious act just made it even better. Jack remembered it as if it were yesterday, one minute lying on the bed with Alex reading comic books and trying to pretend that nothing had changed. Then Alex had suddenly dragged him towards the open window as he tried to decipher that maniacal gleam in his best friend’s eye. As the years wore on, Jack would see that gleam more than once and he would always give up fighting and follow wherever Alex wanted to lead him.

That's just what best friends did, right?

Jack’s reluctance had shown like a rash that first night as he tried to pull away, mumbling a protest about how his mom would find out and ground him- not just until he was thirty, but for life. But Alex had just grinned in a way that made Jack feel strange and alive for the first time in a long while. A grin that he would later go on to perfect and use to charm (many) girls into kissing him. So he had let himself be dragged out onto the roof, where the eaves of the ancient oak trees that surrounded either side of his house hung so close he could almost touch their waxy leaves.

It amazed him as he looked out onto his tiny hometown that first night how everything looked so much smaller, yet so much bigger at the same time. The town stretched beyond the reach of his fingertips and danced along the distance in a skirt of light. Each pinprick of brightness made the scene more vibrant and lit up each corner of the town like a beacon of life. It made the world seem brighter, made his problems seem smaller and more far away.

Alex had caught him staring and had pulled him close to his side and messed up his hair. “It’s awesome, right? Almost magical?” he had mused and Jack had only nodded, too absorbed to speak. They sat next to each other on the roof for the next hour in silence, unaware that Alex’s arm was draped over Jack’s shoulders the whole time. Unaware that it was what was holding him together.

From that first moment of breathlessness, Jack’s roof became their safe place, their hideaway. It was where they went to escape from the reality of it all, to shoot the shit, and to just relax and enjoy each other’s company. More often than not, they laid with their backs pressed to the shingles and their arms spread out, hearts pointed towards the sky as they talked about life, their trials, their shortcomings, or anything that came to mind really.

Nearly three years later, and Jack was clean and still recovering every day. He knew that everyone said that recovery was a personal battle that was fought mostly alone, but Alex had definitely played a large part in it all. Since the first day when Jack had come home and they sat on his bed and just held each other's hands as they both cried. There had been no words to express all of the pain, all of the grief. Alex could barely look at him without crying and Jack could hardly breathe, knowing that he was the reason. They both felt responsible, but at the end of the day, blame was set aside as they both focused on getting Jack into a state of recovery.

Every step had been a battle, and Alex had been there since the beginning. He had been a constant force, a beacon of light. A symbol of a future he could have if he didn't give into his self destructive desires. That future had been conceived out of a fever dream- of lips pressed against his forehead as he lay in a hospital bed- half awake, half alive. They had whispered his name softly and said how much they loved him, how much they needed him. When Jack had awoken in his bed, he had sworn it was all just a dream.

But as he was pulled out of school to focus on recovery and spent most of his free time trapped in his room, Jack had been given much more time to think. To over analyze. The realization hit him square in the chest one day when he was doing his math homework. It hadn't been a dream, but a memory. And it was stained with Alex’s lips pressed to his skin as he whispered “I love you’s” like he meant them.

The realization gnawed at him as much as the hunger had, but the hollow sensation it left behind was less rewarding. And it gave birth to a truth that couldn't be ignored. But this, this was his best friend- his tether to all things good and sane. He couldn't risk that kind of loss for the sake of a different gain.

The truth lived inside of Jack’s belly for the following years, building a village of knots where the emptiness had once been. He kept it alive in the dark, and tried to hide it and suppress it all he could. Until that one fateful night his senior year of high school.

The night that Jack confessed his feelings, had been a night like any other. They had been unwinding and recharging from the immense load of stress brought on by their senior year. Like most nights, they had been shooting the breeze and talking about their rather unsuccessful love lives. It had started fairly lighthearted, as they laughed at each other’s blunders, sipped their beers, and watched the sky grow darker with each passing second.

That night, like so many nights before it, was a perfect chance to wind down and recharge from the busyness of the week. If it wasn't work, school or preparing for college, it was girls, their parents or their friends. Their whole high school career, everyone had always bragged about how easy and carefree senior year was. But as they both neared the end of it, they had come to realize that nothing had gotten easier. If anything, the mounting pressure of graduation and still trying to pick a college and figure out what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives, while not even knowing what to do with their present lives- was completely and utterly overwhelming.

Especially for Jack, who had not only been fighting to stay clean, but had also gotten a terrible score on his SAT. It didn’t necessarily help that he lacked any special skills or ambitions that would earn him a scholarship. His parents were pretty well off, but he knew that they weren't going to spoon feed him for the rest of his life. More than likely, he was going to be stuck going to some lame community college twenty minutes away from his house. And all of his daydreams about getting out and starting a life, a life that wasn't stained by his reputation as “the kid who had an eating disorder” would be erased in an instant.

The thought of living with his parents for the next four years and driving past the same houses, the same stores, the same people every day- it drove him mad. The thought of never getting out of that dead-end town, with all of its painful memories, was practically suffocating.

The only thing that made it better was Alex. Unlike Jack, he actually had talents and aspirations. He always had an idea, always had a plan. Alex had sent out applications for dozens of schools and had gotten accepted into almost all of them. But for some reason, he still hadn't made a decision. Alex said that it was because he wanted to know where Jack was going first, so he knew to stay close. And Jack had called him an idiot, but for some reason, his chest had flooded with relief.

He could handle floundering through the currents of adult life if Alex was there with him.

Alex just had this way of making Jack feel calm, of easing all of his worries and doubts. This was why Jack loved spending all that time out on the roof with him- it made him feel at ease, it let him forget. In those few hours that he spent with Alex, Jack didn't have to think about his future or his grades or how he was still a little scared to eat without looking at the nutrition labels and counting the calories in his head. He could just… be. And that was a feeling he didn't get to savor very often.

Jack almost lost Alex’s words to his daydreams as he watched the lights move and blink in the distance. But he quickly snapped out of it as Alex told him about his recent breakup with his girlfriend of five months, Tay.

“She told me that I was too… what was the word? Flighty? She told me that I was too “flighty” and that I “always had my head in the clouds,” whatever that means. I just think that she was upset that I had forgotten our anniversary. But really, it hadn't even been half of a year yet! How was I supposed to know that I needed to remember that?” Alex exclaimed in exasperation and took another sip of his beer.

Jack just chuckled into his can. “You know, maybe she's still upset that you said the wrong name that one time she went down on you,” he teased.

Alex rolled his eyes and lightly punched Jack’s arm. “Never gonna let me live that one down, huh?”

Jack shook his head and grinned widely, like a child caught with their hand stuck in the cookie jar. It was just too good of an opportunity to pass up- Jack loved tormenting Alex. In fact, it was one of his favorite pastimes, just a notch below drinking beer on the roof.

“Not until you tell me whose name it was,” Jack chided.

Alex snorted in response, though his tone was a little quieter, more reserved. “It’s embarrassing enough without me telling you that. Besides, I didn't think that you would endlessly torment me about this.”

“Hey, what can I say? I just love getting on your nerves,” he said as he teasingly poked Alex’s side. This caused the boy to yelp and jump, since he was extremely ticklish there. Jack tried to hold back a laugh as Alex slid slightly on the slick roof.

“Well it's not like your experiences with girls have gone any better,” Alex replied once he regained his position and rubbed his side as he fixed Jack with a withering glare.

Jack laughed again and gave Alex a dismissive wave. “What are you talking about?” he exclaimed sarcastically. “I am the love doctor! Women love me!”

Alex scoffed, “Right, and I’m secretly a superhero on the weekends…”

“I am not joking, though! I am a complete hunk!” he said proudly and puffed out his chest for emphasis.

Alex looked at his best friend, with his strange skunk-colored bowl cut, ratty t-shirt, and skinny jeans that he had bought in the women’s section. Not to mention that his figure was still incredibly thin and lanky, even though he had gained almost forty pounds back since he had started therapy. Along with his too-big eyes, broken nose, and his tendency to forget how to speak proper English whenever girls were within ten feet of him. They both knew that Jack was far from “hunky” and he always had been. Alex was the one who got all of the girls and went on more dates than anyone could count.

It was still fun to tease each other, though. That's just how they were.

“Whatever you say, Jaybird,” Alex said before he took a moment to think. “How about Janelle? You never told me how your date went last week.”

Jack sighed, his hopes that Alex wouldn't bring her up absolutely dashed. The date hadn't just gone badly, it was a complete and utter train wreck. He had seen Janelle a few times before and things had seemed to be going good, that is, until the previous Saturday when she broke things off with him before they could go on their date.

Jack bit his lip before he decided that he needed to tell Alex eventually. It was just so so embarrassing. “Actually, there uh was no date. She dumped me while we were pulling out of her driveway…” Jack murmured sadly.

“Oh, I'm really sorry, man,” Alex said sympathetically with a pat to Jack’s shoulder.

“S’okay,” he mumbled into his lap.

“Did she tell you why?” Alex asked curiously after a few more swigs of his drink.

Jack nodded and stared out into the branches of the naked trees that contrasted so beautifully with the sky- a dark silhouette against a colorful backdrop.

“ShetoldmethatIsmelled,” he said inaudibly, in a desperate attempt to hide his shame.

“What? I didn't catch that.”

“She told me that I… smelled,” Jack said, louder and clearer, his head hung in mortification.

Alex furrowed his eyebrows as Jack paused and signaled for him to go on.

“Well, she got in the truck and we were pulling out of the driveway, but then she started breathing really weird. I saw her face scrunch up but I was trying to drive so I figured I was just seeing things. But then she asked me to pull over and got out of the truck and apologized, saying that she couldn't go out with me anymore because she “couldn't stand” the way that I smelled,” Jack explained miserably.

Alex could've laughed at him, but he was a good friend and could tell when Jack was joking and when he was really miserable. They just had a way of reading each other, of speaking without words.

“That doesn't make any sense,” Alex said angrily. “If she didn't like you, then why did she go on so many dates with you?”

Jack shrugged sadly, “She said that she thought I was kind of cute at first and that she could handle the smell. But after a few dates she just couldn't take it anymore. And then she slammed the door and left me there, sitting in her driveway.”

He put a comforting arm around Jack’s shoulders and made a big show out of sniffing him. He pressed his nose to Jack’s neck and took a huge whiff, which made Jack smile the tiniest bit. His skin burned where the tip of Alex’s nose brushed in a way that was strange but good. Jack tried his best to ignore it and blamed his over-sensitivity on the alcohol.

“Hey! I don't think that you smell! In fact, I like the way that you smell,” Alex said with a smile, in the hopes of curing Jack’s bad mood.

“Thanks, man,” he said gratefully.

“But maybe that's just because I'm used to your musk. It is, after all, an acquired taste. Some women just aren't strong enough for it. Just think of it kind of like… natural selection. You're weeding out all the weak ones!” Alex continued and watched closely as Jack turned his head away and tried to hide his smile.

“You're such a nerd,” Jack said in between hiccups of laughter.

“But I'm your nerd,” Alex replied cheekily and clinked their cans together. “If it makes you feel any better, I have a worse “bad date” story. Wanna hear it?”

Jack pretended to contemplate the offer before he said, “Alex Gaskarth, the lady killer, has a bad date story? I didn't think that I would live to see the day!”

“Oh shut up, asshole! Anyway, I went out with this girl one time and being Mr. Romantic, I decided to take her ice skating. Now, I'm not the most coordinated guy in the world, but I used to skate a lot when I was a kid, so I had a little experience. Of course, that meant that I was going to show off because I really liked this girl, I wanted her to think I was this suave, macho man.”

“A machoman? That ice skates?” Jack exclaimed through fits of laughter.

“Hey! Ice skating is a very difficult sport! You have to be very... toned, very graceful,” Alex said with a playful punch to Jack’s arm. “So, I was trying to act like I knew what I was doing. Like I was some sort of pro skater or something. For a while, she really bought it. She was having a good time, laughing, smiling, and overall just seeming really into me. Then I decided to try some tricks- which was totally not a good idea on the ice- and long story short, I ended up accidentally launching her into the wall and breaking her nose…”

“Oh my god,” Jack said in gleeful disbelief.

“But wait! I'm not even done yet. I took her to the emergency room in my car and she was bleeding and crying like crazy. Then she had me call her ex-boyfriend to come and get her and I swear that he was going to pummel me into the sidewalk. It was an absolute mess,” Alex said and grinned over the lip of his can.

“Wow,” Jack said, dumbfounded, “that trumps my story… Dating is hard, Alex.”

Alex made a noise of agreement and nodded emphatically. “You've got that right, bro. Girls are confusing. Sometimes I think about just throwing in the towel and giving up on them altogether,” he said as he stretched his arms and cracked his back.

Jack looked at him suddenly, and gave him a questioning look. Was Alex saying what he thought he was saying? No, there was no way. He decided to just ignore the comment. He may have been slightly buzzed, but he was not drunk enough to seriously question his best friend’s sexuality.

Alex completely failed to notice Jack’s stare however and turned around to reach inside Jack’s open window to grab another beer from the stash they had placed on the sill.

“Amen to that. Dating has started to seem… pointless to me, you know? Like what's the point in even trying to impress someone who might end up not even liking you in the first place?” Jack mused as his gaze wandered skyward and his eyes drank in the delicate edges of stars that shone faintly against the dusk.

Alex nodded far too quickly and far too eagerly, the few beers he had consumed in the past hours finally starting to show as his behavior became silly and more erratic.

“Absolutely, positively get what’cha mean, Jacko. It seems pointless to waste my time with some girl that I might like, and who might like me, when I could spend it with someone I know I like…” Alex paused for a moment to hiccup drunkenly, a telltale sign that he was a tad more drunk than he had originally let on. “Likeyou,” he slurred as he slumped into Jack’s shoulder.

“Yeah, exactly,” Jack whispered as he let his his chin rest softly on top of Alex’s head.

The moment faded into quiet as the sky darkened and more stars started to appear across the horizon like long lost beacons of hope. Jack broke free from the comfortable embrace to grab another beer from the window sill, not letting himself think about how many liquid calories he had consumed in the past few hours. Although drinking wasn't necessarily good for him, it had helped him, in a way. To be less conscious, to let loose. Especially after he had gotten out of the hospital.

His mind swam with dozens of thoughts that he wasn't sure if he should voice. The alcohol however gave him a nice buzz that was just enough to sway his judgement. He popped open his can and took a long, thoughtful sip, before he finally said it.

“You know, Alex. There was a reason I waited so long to tell you about Janelle dumping me. Afterwards, as I was sitting in my truck, I got really sad. And I started to think about how there… there isn't really much left in the world that feels good or makes much sense anymore. I mean, I can't get a girlfriend to save my life. I'm flunking out of school. No college in their right mind would ever want me. Not to mention that all of my friends gave up on me after I uh… got sick.

“But then, I knew that there had to be something. At least one good thing left that made me feel warm inside and want to get out of bed in the morning. And once I was done being sad I actually kind of felt okay. Because I realized that I do have one thing that makes me feel… really really good and that actually makes sense. And it's you.”

The words pierced the quiet with a loud finality as the veil of the past was ripped away. Jack immediately regretted his words and knew that they had already made an impact, as Alex’s face slackened and paled. Jack could hardly believe that he had said it, almost as much as Alex couldn't believe that he had heard it. It was a foreign territory that they had never dared to tread, but now Jack had gone and caused them to swerve off course.

The silence was long, thick and unbearable as Jack tried to think of how he could possibly cover this up if it backfired in his face. But his mind stalled and his heart stilled as he held his breath and waited for some kind of answer. At that point, even an outright refusal would've been better than the tension and the silence that stretched on like a taut rubber band between them.

He turned away from Jack then, his voice small as he mumbled, “I think I'm... gonna go.”

“Yeah, yeah okay,” Jack replied, in a daze.

“Because you know, I have to fill in for Rian at work tomorrow and my mom is probably worried about me…” Alex rambled as he played with his empty can and didn't meet Jack’s eyes.

“Yeah… But are we still on for tomorrow night?” Jack asked suddenly, the plans that they had made earlier that night suddenly resurfacing in his mind. He tried to ignore the nagging voice that said that after Alex left that night, there would probably be no more future plans.

“I-I dunno, Jay. I mean, I'm going to be working all day and my mom has the car until nine…”

“But I only have to work a morning shift at the gas station for a few hours tomorrow, I can pick you up any time after that,” Jack pressed, only slightly oblivious to Alex’s discomfort.

He knew that Alex didn’t want to be with him anymore, that much was clear. But a part of him, a stupidly hopeful part of him that denied all logic and reason, really didn't want him to go. If he could stall and keep him there for a few more minutes, at least it would make the final separation hurt a little less.

At least, that's what his alcohol-clouded brain concluded, anyway.

“Well I don't know, my dad wanted me to help clean out the garage tomorrow so I don't think I'll have-”

“Alex, please. We already talked through this earlier. What time do you want me to pick you up?”

Alex sighed and stared off into the sea of lights that spiraled out into the distance. Jack couldn't see his dark eyes in the low light, but if he could've, Alex would've been completely exposed. The silence stretched on and Alex only sighed and crushed his can between his palms. Then he tossed the distorted metal off the roof where it made a distant clinking sound as it hit the ground.

“Five? Six? Seven?” Jack pressed on, though he wasn't expecting an answer.

“I think I'm going to be busy all day,” Alex said finally, his voice hard, as he slowly picked himself up from the roof.

“Well, just call me when you decide, okay?” Jack replied sadly, aware that the words meant more than he let on.

“You know that I'm always here when you-” Jack started but was cut off by Alex who had moved away from Jack and was standing at the edge of the roof with his back to him.

“Yeah, you're always here when I need you, I know,” Alex hissed bitterly, a hint of sadness in his tone.

“Alex?” he asked, wounded.

Jack heard a soft sigh before Alex turned back to him. “I'm going, Jack. Goodnight,” he replied as he made his way towards Jack’s open window.

Only his foot must've caught on a stray patch of ice or a rouge shingle, because one moment Alex was standing in front of him and the next, he was falling off of the roof. Jack sat there for a few seconds, in absolute shock before he stood and moved towards the edge of the roof.

“Alex?” he called uncertainly as he tried to peek over the edge. He just really wanted to see if Alex was dead or not, but soon got his answer when he heard a low groan.

Jack edged closer to the edge of the roof and started to say, “Are you ok-” just before he too lost his footing and found himself falling.

It was strange sensation, plummeting off his roof. The cold air of the night rushed around him in a whirlwind as the breath caught in his lungs. The world peeled away for the briefest second as he braced for the impact and if he had closed his eyes, he could've imagined that he was flying. But just like his heart, he sank downward, quickly and violently.

His body hit the ground with a muffled thud, the sno providing a safe cushion for his landing. That's not to say that his bones weren't rattled and that the wind wasn't knocked from his chest for a few moments. After things had settled, he lay back into the snow, his chest aching as his eyes danced blankly across the stars.

Alex's labored breathing blended with his own as they both recovered from the shock of the fall. Jack knew, however, that this kind of fall couldn't even phase him. He could’ve broken both of his legs upon impact but he would’ve hardly noticed. The other kind of fall had been much more traumatic, much more messy.

The ache of his grief hurt more than the ache in his body as Jack lay so far away from Alex. As he gathered his bearings, Jack made pictures out of the stars and tried to will away the lump in his throat. His t-shirt and jeans were completely soaked through, yet he couldn't find the will to move. The full realization of what he had said, what he had done, pressed down on his chest. He wanted to reach out and find Alex’s hand across the space between them, but they were so far away from each other.

He didn't even want to think about what was going to happen. He couldn't imagine himself without Alex. When the world had turned its back on him, blamed him, ignored him- Alex was the only one who had stayed. Alex took care of him. Alex never gave up on him. Alex held his hand through the long nights when he longed for that hollow ache in his chest. Alex talked to him on the phone for hours on end, when Jack felt like sticking his fingers down his throat and giving up on getting better.

Alex was the only one who made him want to feel whole again. He filled up the emptiness inside of Jack and replaced it with something so much better.

And now, he was just about to lose him.

“A-are you okay, Jack?” Alex asked quietly as he slowly pulled himself up from his spot on the ground.

“Yeah...” Jack replied weakly, the coldness of the snow starting to burn his skin.

Alex didn't say anything for a moment, just stood in place as he tried to collect his thoughts.

“What about you? Are you okay?” Jack asked suddenly as he sat up slightly and glanced over at Alex. He wasn't groaning like any bones were broken, so Jack assumed that he was fine. Well, fine enough to constitute not getting up, that is. He needed a little more time to lie around and mope over his questionable life choices.

“Yeah, I am. But I guess it depends on what you think of as okay,” Alex mumbled weakly as he stared up at the sky.

“Alex, I think I fell in love with you,” Jack said seriously after a beat of silence as he watched his hopes fly across the top of Orion’s bow. They floated in the sky for a few moments, suspended by Alex’s silence.

Alex sat up slowly and faced Jack. When he spoke again, he sounded angry but tired, as if the whole thing had stolen his energy and patience. “What exactly do you think you're doing, Jack? What gave you the right to say those things to me, huh? You can't just- you can't just say things like that to your best friend! T-that's not- that's not how it works!” he exclaimed with exasperation.

Jack bit his lip and felt the snow as it burned his skin. His stomach hurt with a knowing kind of ache, an ache that had already started to prepare for the end. “I-I don't know, Alex. I don't know what came over me, I swear.”

Then Jack sat up and finally faced him, the fear in Alex’s eyes completely and utterly startling, but he tried to cover it up with the fierce front he put on. “Jack, you're like a brother to me and I just… I don't know what you're droning the fuck on about but… What the fuck is your problem, huh? Jesus, you're my best friend, Jack.”

“Yeah and I-”

“And that's something you- that you don't fuck with, alright? And you just- you fucking messed with it and now I'm…” Alex pulled himself off the ground, brushed off his pants, and turned to leave but stopped. Then he sighed.

“Because you know, what? You're the only thing that makes sense to me, too, and then you go and fuck it up by telling me stupid shit like that. And now I'm just confused and n-nothing makes sense anymore. We've been friends since kindergarten and here you come along and just… throw that all away because you can't keep your mouth shut. There is a line that you never, ever cross and you just crossed it, Jack!” Alex tried his best to sound angry, but he just sounded exhausted.

Slowly Jack pulled himself to his feet and walked closer to Alex, but kept a good amount of distance in between them. Normally he wouldn't have been afraid of pulling him close or putting a reassuring arm around his shoulders. But after the incident on the roof, he was hyper aware of every movement and every touch. The last thing he needed was to make an already bad situation even worse.

“Alex, I-I’m really sorry. Please, just… forgive me. I know you don't feel the same way and that's.. that's fine. I just- I really couldn't stand it if I ever lost you,” Jack pleaded as he tried to work up the courage to face his best friend.

The elder sighed loudly but didn't answer. His hands wandered to his pockets as he stared out at the empty street, no doubt planning his escape. It was almost impossible to imagine a world without Alex in it, let alone a world in which Alex had left him willingly. It hit Jack then that his life has been built around the boy. Through all of the aches and pains and illness- they had been there for each other.They had been so close their whole lives, so unaware that they had helped form each other into who they were. They were so incredibly close that it was hard to tell which aspects of his personality were his own and which were influenced by Alex.

The ugly truth of it all was that he didn't quite know himself without Alex in his life. And he wasn't sure he wanted to.

“Remember that summer when we were seven and we learned how to ride our bikes?” Alex asked suddenly, the anger gone from his voice. “And you were riding loops around the block while I was still too terrified to ride without training wheels? Remember how we used to practice every day, and you were always there to help me and show me what to do even when I gave up on myself? And how when I finally rode down to the stop sign on my own, I crashed and scraped both of my knees on the sidewalk?

“Remember how you held me up and took me home and put on my band aids and kissed my knees? Remember how you held my hand until I stopped crying and told me, out of the blue, that we would be best friends forever? Do you remember any of it, Jack?” Alex asked, as his voice split and cracked with desperation and pain.

Jack couldn't help but look up to find that Alex was staring at him. Jack grinned slightly and nodded. “Yeah, duh.”

“And do you remember in seventh grade, when we went to the dance together and you asked me to slow dance as a joke? How we swayed awkwardly to “Lips Of An Angel” as my head rested on your shoulder and your arms were around my waist? And after the song was over and you refused to let go?

“Or Freshman year when my parents told me that they were getting divorced and I came over to your house and in the middle of the night and you didn't even question it? You just let me sit on your bed and talked me down from having another panic attack? And let me cry until we both fell asleep?

“Or how when you got sick and I came to see you every day, in the hospital. And you tried to put on this big smile and pretend that you didn't feel like you were dying? And I told you that you were full of shit and then we both laughed so hard that we both started crying, even though we didn't really know why?

Jack stared at him, eyes wide and confused as Alex continued. “Of course I do, Alex, ho could I forg-”

“I've loved you through all of it,” Alex interrupted Alex took a few steps closer so he and Jack were only inches away. His eyes wandered for a few moments before they settled on Jack’s again, fluttering and nervous. “I've been in love with you since the day we met in kindergarten and I kicked sand in your face just so I could hold you after. I was just… too scared to let myself really see it,” Alex said, with a burning fire in his eyes.

Jack felt his throat close up as a strange combination of euphoria and relief spread over him. It was so surreal, to hear those words. He almost convinced himself that he was dreaming in vivid, technicolor. But no, this was real. His best friend, whom he had known better than anyone for so long, had somehow fallen for him.

And Jack had managed to do the same.

“I-I don't know what to say. I know that I really wanted you to say that a few minutes ago but not that you have I… I don't know if I believe it,” Jack said in shock, eyes wide and looking out blindly at the avenue.

“How could you not, Jack?” Alex asked teasingly, a tiny smile on his lips to mask his fear.

Jack frowned, however, and stared at his shoes. He took a moment to collect his thoughts before he said, “I just… I don't know how someone like you could ever love someone like… like me. I mean, I'm a mess. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I have no talents or redeeming qualities, and sometimes I get this insatiable urge to make myself throw up every time I eat a fucking cookie.

“I'm a fucking disgusting loser who's constantly on the brink of relapsing and you're this… this amazing person who’s smart enough to get into Harvard if he wanted to. You're confident and strong a-and gorgeous and could get any girl- or guy- you wanted and you've settled for me. Even though it makes me so incredibly happy- I don't deserve it one bit. I don't deserve you one bit.”

Alex looked at Jack fiercely and shook his head, his jaw set. “That is not fucking true and you know it. You're the most important thing in my life and you have been for the longest time. You've looked out for me, put up with my shit, and been there when none else was. You were the one who helped me through my panic attacks, who let me sleep in your bed with you every night when my parents starting my fighting. You were the one who talked me into going to therapy after my dad passed away. And you are the one who texts me every morning reminding me to take my medication.

“Jack, you've helped me just as much as I've helped you, you just can't see that. I know that you don't think much of yourself and that you never really have, even before you… got sick. But your mind is a liar. You're amazing and witty and so full of love. You're my best friend and my light and I should've told you this a long time ago,” Alex confessed, his eyes glossy with tears. He took a step closer, clasped Jack’s colds hands in his, and then looked at his best friend again.

Jack took a step closer and clasped Alex’s cold hands in his. He took a moment to collect his thoughts before he said, “Wow, I really don't deserve you,” with an awestruck grin.

“I was just about to say the same thing about you,” Alex replied sheepishly.

Then they were both giggling like idiots, high on the feeling that they both shared. Jack’s head buzzed with the realization that this was a turning point in their story, whether it was good or bad. He knew that after tonight, there would be so much more to come. But for now, all that he had to do was focus on the start.

Alex looked away as his grin stretched wider and dots of moisture gathered at the corners of his eyes. He quickly blinked the tears away and chuckled. “So how long have you known?” he asked quietly, curiously.

Jack grinned wryly, “I think I've known my whole life, deep down. But I only started to realize that day in the hospital when you confessed your undying love for me while you thought I was sleeping, like you were the star of some corny soap opera and I was in a coma or something.”

Alex tried to mask his shock with a knowing smile. “Wow, and here I thought I had managed to keep it a secret the entire time... I guess I need to work on my subtleties,” he chided.

“Subtleties? Alex, come on. You were the worst at pretending to not be madly in love with me. You were honestly the gayest “straight” boy I have ever seen. If I hadn't been so fucked up, I would've noticed the minute that you insisted that spooning in only our boxers was purely platonic.”

“I'm really glad that you never got sick of me, honestly. I'm so lucky, having you around,” Alex gushed as he grabbed Jack’s sleeve and tugged them towards the porch, fingers numb and cheeks bright red.

“Well, you almost lost me when I fell off that roof. I saw my life flash before my eyes,” Jack teased and he let himself be pulled in Alex’s direction. Wherever he went, Jack would always follow.

When they were standing comfortably in the safety of the porch, surrounded by a blanket of light, Alex said, “So I guess you literally fell for me, huh?”

“Oh my god, shut up.”

They were both grinning when they finally kissed. It almost took Jack by surprise, how well Alex’s lips fit into his. He knew that it was so corny to think like that, because lips were lips. But something about Alex’s kiss felt different from all of the girls he had kissed. It wasn't because Alex was a boy and his kiss was firmer and more controlling. It wasn't the heavenly smell of Alex’s cologne or the way that his stubble scratched against Jack’s cheek.

No, it was the way that he felt complete when Alex kissed him. Like something was finally clicking into place, after all those years. It was the kind of kiss that made every single minute of the pain, grief and tears worth it.

When they pulled away, their eyes were wide and their lips shiny. In the warm glow of the porch lights, Alex looked so beautiful, practically ethereal. Jack’s heart did a funny skip in his chest, like it had done many times before. But this time, he wasn't afraid to let himself feel it.

After a few moments of silence, Alex said, “For the record, I totally fell first.”

To which, Jack just scoffed, as if the truth were obvious. “Well of course you did- you're a fucking klutz.”

Alex just rolled his eyes and shook his head. “No, I mean like… the metaphysical sense of the word.”

“Alex, you know that I love it when you talk nerdy to me. But please dumb it down,” Jack chided as he opened the front door.

This earned another eye roll. “I fell in love with you first,” he said exasperatedly.

Jack kicked off his shoes on the rug and shook his head fiercely. “Nuh-uh! I totally fell for you first!”

This argument continued long after they had trudged up the stairs, stripped down to their boxers and curled up on Jack’s bed. It continued long into the night, until they both succumbed to sleep. It would go on into the morning, when Jack awoke to Alex kissing his neck lightly and would continue into the day, after Jack had made waffles and Alex watched him eat, a habit they had gotten into when Jack had come home from the hospital.

Somehow, both of them knew that after that, the argument would continue for a long, long while. And they were both perfectly okay with that.

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