She Was...

I looked at myself in the mirror that showed my current state. All kinds of distress. I was wearing a suit and trying to do my tie. But the way my fingers shook, I was unable to. It took me long enough just to do the fucking buttons on my shirt. So giving up on my tie, I stared at my reflection. I started at my hair. It was usually disheveled and in my face but for today it was slicked back and neat because my mom said ‘Boe would like it like this.’. Then it was my face, which was shaven and clean because she hated my small beard. But I knew she secretly loved it. I smirked looking down at the suit my mother picked out for me, thinking about how she would say how much of a yuppie I looked.

“”Weston.” A deep voice interrupts my thoughts. I look up at the mirror to see my father making his way towards me. “You need help.” It wasn’t a question, if it was he didn’t wait for my answer as he stood behind me and helped with my tie. I let him work on my tie as my thoughts of her begin to run rampant again…

I looked down from the tree branch I was currently occupying, at my best friend Weston reading a book. I don’t know what book, I didn’t really care either, but I was getting pretty p’d off that he wouldn’t pay attention to me. I huffed out a breath loud enough to be heard from the ground. Silence. So I did it again. Nothing. “I’m gonna climb all the way to the top without you!” I yelled down to him.

“If you do that, you’re gonna get hurt!” He yelled back but it was too late, I was already climbing as far as I could. It only took a minute or so before Weston was screaming for me to stop. I hated when he did that. We were practically both nine years old but just because he was bigger than me, he felt like he should be able to tell me what to do. Well I think not. “Boe, I’m gonna tell if you don’t come down right now!” His voice cracked.

I rolled my eyes at him and stopped. Smirking I looked down at him through the leaves, he looked so little, like a teeny, tiny ant. I started to laugh, “Oh my gosh, Weston I’m not even that high-” My laugh was cut short as I felt the branch I was standing on snapped and all I remember was seeing green and brown briefly before closing my eyes, and then there was nothing but pain.

I had broken my leg. The bone was sticking right out. My mom was so upset at Weston for not coming to get her sooner and more mad at me because it was my fault entirely. I stayed in the hospital for about two days and during those two days I didn’t want to see Weston’s face or more likely I didn’t want him to see mines. So I told the nurses that when he came to keep him out, which was hard since his dad was a doctor there and his mom a nurse. As soon as I could leave the hospital, he was there waiting for me.

I smiled at the memory of when Boe broke her leg. It was one of the scariest moments in my life. When she had fell from the tree, I swear to you my heart had stopped at the sight of her lying on the ground. She was crying hysterically, I mean like scream crying. Not even 10 seconds later her mom came running out of the backdoor of my house. Her mom was our housekeeper so that’s why Boe was over that day. During her stay at the hospital she had forbidden me from seeing her. I knew she was embarrassed because she had cried in front of me and she hated me seeing her cry. But I also aware of how much she loathed pain. Like the littlest of discomfort and it was instant tears. So I had given her the space she demanded but I was the first one there when she was being discharged. But I had laughed in her face because no matter how brown her skin was, I still saw the faint of redness from her blush when she saw me.

Once my dad was done with the tie we walked downstairs in a heavy silence with nothing but the sounds of our dress shoes hitting the hardwood floor. My father was fairly larger than me. He was 6’10, broad shoulders, and a small beard going on his face. His hair was also slicked back like mine.

My mom was the first one I saw, as she made her way to me. “Oh my little bear.” I hated despised that nickname and I have told her countless times to please stop calling me that, I was essentially a grown man, so I couldn’t have her still going around saying that. But she said it just low enough for me to hear and I wasn’t in a mood to fight her on it. A few years ago I really didn’t mind her calling me that, I liked it actually. I’m a mama’s boy, what can I say. But it wasn’t until she had said it in the presence of Boe, on accident, which of course made my life hell for years to come. I can hear Boe now, yelling ‘Little Bear’ all over the place. “My sweet baby, your eyes are all red.” My mom placed her hands on both sides of my face and rubbed her thumbs on my cheeks. I looked down at her with a soft smile. It was redness all around the blue in her eyes too. My mom was small and an expert at hiding her emotions for the sake of others, she’s a nurse so it was kind of her job, but there was so much sadness in her eyes it was almost unbearable to look her in the face.

“We should get going or we’re going to be late to the church.” My dad voice was gruff as he walked passed us and out the door. Probably to start the car.

“Come on, little bear.” She grabbed my hand and led me out the door as well.

Words couldn’t describe how angry I was at Weston. Which isn’t anything new since I seemed to always be mad at him recently. We were currently switching classes and I had spotted him flirting with Victoria fucking Perry. Over the weekend we had gotten into an argument over something so stupid that I couldn’t even remember what it was and he knew I didn’t particularly get along with Victoria. So I knew he was doing it on purpose.

Ever since we got to High school, there’s been a strain on Weston and I’s friendship. We would argue all the time, over trivial things. There was also a lot of jealousy, mostly on my part, whenever a girl came up and talked to him I felt an uncanny rage. Over the summer before freshman year, I have recognized how cute he was. And I mean, not just cute like the nickname his mom calls him. But cute like there’s a pounding my stomach, my mind goes blank, and my hands get all clammy when I see him. So I did the only logical thing I could think of when I came to this epiphany. I had kissed him the next day I saw him. Like really hard. We were at his grandparents lake house with some other friends from school, and we were swimming, so I did in front of everyone. It was one of the most awkwardest kisses that could go down in history. It was so bad that my tooth had clipped his lip and he was bleeding. He ran away from me of course. I didn’t feel bad at all. Actually I was the happiest my little 13 year old self could be. So that’s probably where our relationship went a little sour. He pretended that it never happened but I know Weston and how hard it is for him to come to terms with his feelings.

“I swear you two make me sick.” My good friend, Maxine, said linking her arms through mine. “What did you fight over this time?” Was that even a question?

“I don’t know.” I say as we walked passed the boy in we were talking about. I’m looking at them both until me and Weston make eye contact and I look away. And we ignored each other for the rest of the day. Until later that night when he called and told me to meet him in the park by my house. I was so tempted to say screw him and hang up but I went.When I had first got there he just acted weird. He had sat on a bench in front of me with a stupid look on his face, avoiding my eyes. “Okay, I’m leaving.” I turn to walk away.

“Wait!” Weston stops me by grabbing my wrist. I glare at him, waiting what seems like forever for him to talk. “I’m tired of fighting.” He whispers but I heard him.

My heart quickens. “What does that mean?”

“It means I want you to stop being mad at me,” I open my mouth to argue but he beats me to it. “And I don’t mean with just now, I mean forever. For the rest of the time we’re together.” What is this? What was he doing? “Okay?”

I glanced into his eyes for a second before saying what I wanted. “Say that you like me and you don’t want to be with anybody but me.” I nearly begged and his eyes got wide. “And then I’ll stop being mad.”

It was a little chilly but I didn’t miss the deeper shade of red appeared on his cheeks. “What! No, I’m not saying that!” I frowned at his stubbornness.

“Fine!” I yelled back. “Then I’ll be mad at you forever!” I begin to stomp away but he stopped me again.

“Alright, jesus!” He huffed. “ I like you okay?”

“And?” I motioned for him to continue.

He blew out another breath. “And I don’t want to be with anybody but you.” Oh. My. God. There it was. I feel like I’ve been waiting for that for what felt like a lifetime. Even though I had to force it out of him, it didn’t feel any less genuine. He was just a boy anyways. I smiled leaning towards his face but he stops me. “What are you doing? I’m the guy, I’m suppose to kiss you.” A second later his lips were on mine. It was cold and soft. Nothing like the first time.

I would always remember that night. It was a little weird because when we kissed she kept her eyes open, which was odd and I didn’t like it. So she had to get use to keeping her eyes closed.

My confession to Boe, wasn’t exactly ideal. I had acknowledge my feelings for her before she probably realized her own feelings. But we were just going through puberty and I didn’t know what to do with all the feelings I had. So I sorted through them on my own, without Boe. But she wasn’t having any of that. Boe was my opposite in almost every way. I wanted to deal with my situation on my own. She didn’t mind sharing hers with the whole student body. She was loud and sometimes obnoxious that it annoyed the shit out of me. We were together so much that every so often I would get tired of her and need my space. Like a week's worth of space. However Boe, didn’t take well to that. A day is all she could really do. I was such a pushover with her, it was unfathomable. For nearly 10 years my friends continuously called me pussy whipped. Which is ironic because we didn’t have sex until after prom. She was of course scared of the pain that came with a girls first time.

Pulling up to the church, there were a lot of cars and people standing outside talking. Boe was really popular in her own right. She made friends wherever she went. Though I still find that somewhat confusing, since she could come off slightly obnoxious. But I guess once you get to know her.

Once I got out the car, I immediately greeted by people. They asked how I was and if I needed anything to just ask, whatever that meant Some even said they’ll keep me in their prayers. I wasn’t exactly religious but Boe and her family was Christians. Religion was something me and Boe argued over plenty of times. Pretty much broke up once over it. I smiled and said what I had to say to them before I went into the church. Right in front of me was her casket and a decent sized picture of her smiling. And my heart nearly broke all over again. But I held it together and walked to the front where her family was. Boe’s family was fairly moderately large, whereas mine was small. I paid my respects, like I have countless times over the last few days and went to sit with my parents a few rows back.

The funeral was going off without a hitch, the pastor said some words, they played a few songs, people got up to say things about Boe. But through that all of that I could hear sobs around me. My mother even cried beside me into my father’s shoulder while squeezing my hand. I wanted to speak last because I had second thoughts on speaking. I mean what do you say at your girlfriend's funeral. But I knew if I didn’t say something she’ll probably haunt me because that sounds like something she would do. So I got up and stepped up to the podium, avoiding the eyes in her pictures.