Weapons of War

“So, as much as I enjoy a free meal I’m confused as to why you offered to buy me lunch.” Roman stated as he and Shea sat across from each other in a local restaurant after practice that morning.

Shea looked up from his menu and asked, “What, I can’t just want to hang out with you outside the arena or my house?”

Roman shrugged his shoulders and said, “I mean, yeah but you never do.”

Shea sighed, which Roman noted but didn’t have the opportunity to ask about as their waiter stopped at their table to take their order. It wasn’t until they were done ordering that Shea sat up straight, leaned his forearms against the table and said, “Riley and I wanted to tell you something, but it was just easier for me to do it.”

With a small smile Roman asked, “Is she pregnant again?”

Shea didn’t even smile and he confused Roman when he mumbled, “I wish that was it.”

“So what’s going on? Are you two having problems again? You guys aren’t like divorcing or anything are you?” Roman asked him in both concern and curiosity.

Shea shook his head and told him, “No, we’re not splitting up. It’s not even really about us, it’s about Noah."

This seemed to peak his defense partner’s interest as Roman leaned forward and mimicked Shea’s stance, asking him, “Okay, what’s going on?”

“We didn’t want to tell everyone at once, because we knew you guys would have questions and it would just be too much for us so we’re kind of telling you guy’s one at a time and spreading it out. So don’t say anything because most of the guys don’t know yet.” Shea told him, not even aware of how cryptic he was sounding and how that might worry his teammate.

“Dude, what the hell is going on?” Roman asked him.

Shea sighed, pushed one hand through his hair and he told him quietly, “Noah’s sick.”

“What?”

So Shea went through the whole story, much in the same way that he had told Pekka a few weeks previous, and just the same as the goal tender’s reaction Roman didn’t know what to say in response. Shea understood that, what could you say? It wasn’t like every day someone was telling you that their two year old had a tumor in his kidney that they had to shrink before they operated on it.

He wouldn’t know what to say if he was in Roman’s shoes, so he didn’t say anything further and they sat in silence for so long Shea jumped when Roman said, “I’m sorry.”

Shea nodded, “Me too.”

“Not just about Noah, I mean, mostly about Noah but I’m sorry for… man when you and Riley told me she was pregnant… I was happy for you guys I was, and then when she had Noah, again, I was happy for you guys really, but I was also so jealous of you. I know it’s fucked up, but I was and part of me was a little angry for a long time… and now… now I feel guilty for it.” Roman admitted to him and Shea was both surprised and not by his words. He knew Roman was happy for them, and he knew Roman loved Noah, but he also knew that deep down it was hard for Roman to see all of his teammates starting families, especially so soon after he lost his own.

“It’s okay.” Shea told him.

Roman shook his head and said, “It’s really not.”

Shea this time shook his head and told Roman, “It is okay Roman. I would have been jealous and angry if I was you. I know I kind of gave you a hard time about moving on with your life and stuff, but now I kind of get it. Just the thought that this might not go the way we’re hoping makes me want to shut down completely and just give up, so if anything it should be me apologizing to you for not being more supportive when you needed it.”

“No, you were right. I needed to get my shit together, I couldn’t live the way I was and honestly I’m glad someone finally said it to me, and I’m glad it was you. It kind of kicked my ass into gear and now look, I’ve got a whole new family, I’ve got Spence and Bianca and a baby coming. You did me a huge favor man.” Roman assured him.

Curiously Shea asked him, “You still feel guilty about it?”

“No, I felt guilty about it because I wasn’t in the place I am now, you know? Like, I’m at the point now where I know this is where I was supposed to be. That what happened with Sloane and the baby just wasn’t supposed to work out, I’m not saying that I’m glad it happened but I’ve just reached the point where I’ve accepted what happened and realized that if it hadn’t I wouldn’t be where I am now, and I wouldn’t be the person I am now.” Roman told him honestly.

Shea waited until their food was brought to the table and the waiter had left them alone again before he told Roman, “I’m not trying to get all mushy and stuff, but I’m really proud of you for getting to where you are now. I know I’ve said it, but I know the last few years haven’t been easy for you and we probably didn’t help much.”

“Are you kidding? Honestly, you and Riley, and the guys you guys are the only reason I’m standing here. Which is why I need to tell you that anything you guys need let me help. If there’s anything, and I mean literally anything, that I can do for you guys to help let me know.”

Hearing him say this Shea felt the need to tell him, “I just want to make sure you know that we didn’t keep this from you guys, from you especially, because we didn’t want to tell you. We just didn’t know how, and we knew you’d have questions that we don’t really have the answers for. I wanted to tell you guys a lot sooner, but I didn’t know how and Riley didn’t want to tell anyone until we knew more and I couldn’t go behind her back like that.”

“I know, and I get it, I really, honestly do. You don’t have to worry about that, or apologize or anything. I get it, I understand why you didn’t tell me sooner and I’m not gonna say anything to any of the guys.”

Shea let out a breath of relief but he surprised Roman by saying, “If this doesn’t… I don’t know what I’m gonna do if this doesn’t go the way we’re hoping.”

“You can’t think that. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t let yourself go down that road. It’s not worth it. You just have to take it one day at a time.” Roman told him and Shea put his head in his hands and let out a breath of air.

He admitted, “I don’t even know how to do that anymore. I wake up and for a second I think maybe it was just a bad dream, and we go on the road and I’m so afraid of something happening, or me missing something that I feel like I can’t function. I’m not the captain you guys need because I’m so worked up over being so guilty that I’m not there for him when he needs me.”

Roman told him softly, “He’s two man, he’s not gonna remember any of this. You have plenty of time to make up for lost time when he’s gonna remember it.”

“I know, and Riley keeps telling me that but it doesn’t make it any easier and it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty. I hate not being there when he needs me, and I hate that Riley’s alone having to deal with this.” Roman didn’t know what to say, he had never seen Shea like this before in the years they had been playing together, and he didn’t know how to even try to make him feel better. It wasn’t as if he was knowledgeable on how to deal with this stuff, his solution to dealing with difficult times was to just push it aside and pretend it wasn’t happening and Shea couldn’t exactly do that this time. He was surprised to hear Shea say, “I don’t want to give the game up but some days that’s the only solution I can think of.”

- - -

Riley was sitting on the couch in the living room reading a book when Shea walked into the house with Noah on his hip. She glanced over her shoulder at them, and upon seeing them both grin she asked, “What are you two up to?”

“Outside!” Noah exclaimed, holding both his hands up in the air.

Riley raised her eyebrow at Shea, who smiled and asked, “Come outside for a minute?”

She stared at him in confusion for a few seconds, not moving, but eventually she did get up from the couch and walked toward them as Noah said, “Mama!”

She didn’t bother putting shoes on, she followed them both out of the front door and down the front steps and into the driveway where a shiny, obviously brand new Range Rover was parked. She turned to Shea, raised her eyebrow, and he told her, “I thought it was time you got a new car.”

“I’m sorry… what?” She didn’t really know what to say.

Shea smiled and he told her, “You’ve been driving the same car for eight years Riley.”

“Well there was nothing wrong with my car Shea.” She countered back.

Riley turned to watch him go into the house with Noah without so much as another word to her and she sighed. She looked back at the SUV, before she shook her head and made her way inside. Noah was in the living room playing with building blocks on the floor and she could see Shea standing on the back deck with Dug running around outside so she sighed and headed that way. He didn’t turn to look at her when he heard the patio door open, so Riley leaned against the deck railing beside him but she didn’t talk for a long time, and neither did Shea.

Finally, when the silence got to be a little too much for her, Riley asked him softly, “Are we gonna talk about it?”

“Talk about what? I tried to do something nice for you and you threw it back in my face.” Shea stated, his voice coated in annoyance.

She sighed, and turned to face him, not surprised when he stayed standing where he was facing the backyard. She told him, “I didn’t throw it back in your face.”

“Sure.”

“Shea.” She said softly, and she put her hand on his forearm, he finally turned to look at her and she told him, “I just… I didn’t need a new vehicle.”

“I know that, but I wanted to do something nice for you. I wanted to give you something nice, because you do so much for me and for Noah. I just wanted to try to thank you somehow.” She felt bad for her reaction after hearing him say that.

Still, with an amused smile on her face she asked him, “So you bought me a car?”

Shea chuckled to himself, and then said, “Alright, yeah I probably should have talked to you beforehand. But I just… honestly I thought you’d like it.”

“It’s not that I don’t like it Shea, or that I don’t appreciate it and the gesture because I do.” She told him.

Shea cocked his brow and asked her, “Then what is it?”

“I’m just not good with surprises, especially when those surprises include a fuck load of money.” Riley told him and Shea chuckled.

“True. I guess I’m not so good at this whole surprising my wife thing huh?” He asked her and she smiled, leaning up to kiss him softly.

“Thank you for the surprise, I’m sure Noah will love the bigger backseat.” She told him once they parted.

With a grin he asked, “That means you’re keeping it?”

She nodded, “I mean, my husband did try to do something nice for me. I guess I can deal with it and drive the Range Rover.”

“Good.” Shea told her, wrapping his arms around her before he leaned down to kiss her again.

Noah stuck his head out of the open patio door and interrupted them to ask, “Hungry?”

Riley put her face against Shea’s chest and laughed, and her laughter made Noah laugh, and his little infectious giggle made Shea laugh. After Noah went back into the house and Riley had stopped laughing she looked up at Shea and told him, “He’s definitely your kid.”

Shea chuckled as he followed her into the house, and Noah immediately ran over to him arms up so Shea scooped him up into his arms and tickled his stomach and Riley leaned against the fridge and watched them with a small smile. Shea met her eyes and smiled, and his smile faltered and his brow raised when she leaned her forehead against the cool metal of the fridge. He set Noah down, bent to his level and told him softly, “Go play for a bit buddy, we’ll have dinner soon.”

Once Noah took off for his toys on the living room floor Shea made his way into the kitchen and toward Riley, she met his eyes and told him, “I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.” He told her, and she sighed so he reached out and put the back of his hand on her forehead gently like he was so used to doing with Noah. She was warm, but not unusually so. Still, he told her, “I’ll make the kid dinner, you go upstairs and lay down and I’ll bring you something later.”

“I’m fine.” She told him, but her eyes closing, and her forehead still on the front of the fridge, and the little breath of air that she let out told him otherwise.

“Are you still dizzy?” He asked her curiously and she nodded her head before she pulled herself away from the fridge and turned to face her. He followed her to the bottom of the stairs, where he put his hands on the tops of her shoulders and he asked her, “Are you gonna be okay to get up there?”

She let out a small chuckle, nodded her head and assured him, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

He leaned down to kiss her temple before she started up the stairs, Shea standing at the bottom until she disappeared down the hallway. She closed the bedroom door behind her gently, leaned against it as her stomach did a flip flop and she stayed with her weight against the door until she knew it was safe to start moving again. Riley dropped onto the bed, laid on her back and squeezed her eyes shut tightly as her head felt like it was starting to spin.

Downstairs while Shea made Noah dinner Noah shuffled into the kitchen and stood beside Shea, looking up at him. Shea took a break from what he was doing to look down at Noah and ask, “Yes?”

Noah giggled gently, which made Shea smile, and he asked, “Mama?”

Shea ran his hands under water in the sink, dried them off before he picked Noah up and walked to the table, where they sat on one of the chairs. Shea then told him, “Mama doesn’t feel so good right now.”

“Icky?” Noah asked, and Shea chuckled and nodded.

“Yeah, she feels icky.” Shea told him, and when Noah pouted Shea told him, “Maybe after you eat your dinner we can go up there and you can kiss her better like she does when you don’t feel well.”

“Okay!” With that he shuffled off of Shea’s lap and onto the floor and ran back into the living room so Shea got up and finished making him dinner.

Once Noah and Shea ate dinner Shea brought Noah upstairs and brushed his teeth and changed him into his pyjamas before they both walked into the master bedroom. Shea picked Noah up and put him on the bed beside Riley, who was asleep and Noah crawled over to her and kissed her forehead much like Riley did every night to him. She shifted but didn’t wake up, so Noah blew a raspberry on her cheek which made her wake up and turn to look at him with a smile, “Thanks for the slobber.”

Noah giggled as Riley reached up and wiped her cheek and Shea asked her, “You want to try to eat anything?”

She shook her head, and laughed when he nodded and pulled his shirt over his head, unbuttoned his jeans and dropped them to the floor before he got into bed with them. He pulled Noah underneath the covers between them, and laid his arm across Noah and over Riley before Noah said, “Night night.”

He was out only a second or two later, which Riley smiled at and looked at Shea as he looked down at Noah and told her, “And you say he’s more me. That’s definitely you. I’ve never met anyone who could sleep any time anywhere like you can."

Riley smiled gently, “It’s a gift.”

After a few minutes of silence Shea brought up what he had been thinking about all day, “I should be there tomorrow.”

Sighing Riley turned to lay on her side and told him, “We’ll be fine. Quinn’s coming with us.”

“Yeah, but I should be there Riley. I could be, I could talk to management, I’m sure given the circumstances I could miss one road trip.” Shea told her and again she sighed. So he said, “I don’t think it’s wrong of me to want to be there Riley.”

“It’s not and I know you want to be there but you don’t need to be. You were there for the first one, it’s nothing different. It’s just a whole lot of waiting around. He’ll be fine, we both will. You’re going on your road trip and I will keep you updated all day at the hospital I promise.” She was using her ‘mom’ voice so Shea knew not to argue with her despite the fact that he so wanted to.