Weapons of War

""You were really quiet tonight." Kelly commented as she took a seat on the couch and handed Riley a mug full of hot chocolate.

Riley nodded slowly, wrapping her hands around the mug as she pushed one of Noah's toys out from under the coffee table with her foot. When she turned back to Kelly and found her watching her Riley said, "I've just… had a lot on my mind lately."

"You want to talk about it?" Kelly asked her softly, watching as Riley shrugged her shoulders. Riley was thankful when Kelly didn't push the subject, instead she offered up, "Craig and I talked about maybe having a kid sometime in the future."

Riley's head snapped over to her, "Really?"

"Yeah. I know how much he wants one, he can say it doesn't matter all he wants, but he does and I don't know… I guess my opinion on kids has kind of shifted a little since we got married. Maybe one would be okay." Kelly said softly, a small smile on her face.

Riley told her, "Don't do it if it's not really what you want."

"What do you mean?" Kelly asked her curiously, eyebrow raised.

"Speaking from experience, it sucks knowing your mom didn't want you. Don't do that to a kid. It's great if you decide you want this, but it's fine if you don't. Just don't have a kid if it's not really what you want." Riley told her, and Kelly nodded her head slowly.

"I know. We're just talking right now." Kelly assured her.

They sat in silence for a moment, the only noise was the TV, still on the channel they watched the game on an hour earlier. Finally, Riley broke the silence and caught Kelly completely off guard by saying, "Shea's been sleeping in the guest room."

"He's what?" Kelly asked and she stared at Riley intently while she tried to figure out what to say next.

"We've been uh… going to marriage counseling." Riley said, pausing out of being unsure of what to say next.

Sensing that Kelly asked, "Since when?"

"December." She told her, taking a small sip of her hot chocolate. She then continued, "It was Shea's idea, and I kind of came around to it after a few sessions. We were finally starting to treat each other like husband and wife again and I could see the difference."

"But?" Kelly asked her curiously.

She hesitated, not sure that she should even be having this conversation, that little voice in her head was telling her to shut her mouth now because Shea really didn't need this stuff dragged through the locker room. It wasn't that she thought Kelly would blab it, no, she knew Kelly wouldn't even tell Craig what Riley was telling her, Riley was just paranoid that something she did or said was going to come back on Shea in a negative way.

Still, she couldn't keep this bottled up, so she simply started talking and the words came out, flowing with ease, "I hated the idea at first. I just… I didn't like the idea of some stranger analyzing our life you know? But I figured it couldn't make it any worse and even the chance that it helped was worth it."

"And did it? Help that is." Kelly asked, watching as Riley leaned forward and set her mug on a coaster on the coffee table.

As she leaned back against the couch Riley nodded, "For the first few sessions. We figured out how to communicate a little better, we weren't fighting as much… but the last session, last week… some things were said that you can't really take back and I don't know how we move forward now."

"What kind of things?"

She didn't know how to answer that question, so she simply said, "You know… we did fine for thirteen years together and now… now it just seems like we aren't even gonna make it through our second year of marriage."

"Whoa, don't talk like that." Kelly told her, giving her a look.

Riley sighed, pulled her hair up into a messy bun at the back of her head and told Kelly, "Our first session, Shea told me that if things didn't change that was it, he was done. And as much as that hurt to hear, he was right; we can't put our kids through this, the way that we are with each other. The good doesn't outweigh the bad."

"Yeah but… you guys just need to work on things you know? Get back to Shea and Riley. This year has been hell for you guys, Noah and the new baby and Shea's career… any couple would have trouble dealing with all of this. Don't throw in the towel because of a couple bad months."

Riley let out a breath of air, puffing her cheeks out in the process, before saying, "I don't know what to do anymore. I mean I do… I could fix every single problem between he and I if I could figure out a way to fix myself. If I could figure out how to change my entire make-up, to give Shea what he wants from me we would be fine. All of this, all of our problems come back to me and my issues."

"What do you mean by that? It takes two people to fight Riley, it can't just be your fault." Kelly told her firmly.

But Riley shook her head, "No, it is my fault. Shea wants me to, no he needs me to connect with him in a way that I can't. If I could have figured out a way to get over my emotional issues I would have years ago. It would have saved us so many problems. But I can't. God, I wish that I could. I'd give just about anything to be what he needs."

"What do you mean?"

"It's hard to open up, even to him. I love him, so much, and I trust him completely but… how do I open up and give him that part of me? I've tried our entire relationship and I just can't do it. It's like I'm broken or something." At this point Riley wasn't sure that her words even sounded like words, between the tears and shakiness in her voice. She put her head in her hands, elbows on her knees, and cried.

Kelly scooted closer to her and rubbed her back soothingly, telling her, "So tell him that. Give him something, a part of you that will help him see that you're trying but it's hard."

"I don't have anything left to give." Riley cried, digging her fingers into her hair. She continued, "Something has to give already. I feel like I'm drowning. I've been so busy, so concerned with Noah that I stopped caring about the things and people in my life. I stopped caring about my marriage, and I stopped caring about Shea."

"That's not true and you know it Riley." Kelly's voice was soft but firm.

Still, it did little to calm Riley down. She just continued, "He has been nothing but supportive and helpful and understanding our entire relationship. He's been dealing with this for sixteen years and this is the first time he's ever complained about it. And all I'm doing is making it harder on both of us."

"Riley, your life was sucked up by a tornado and spit out in pieces all over the place over the last few months. It's gonna take you guys some time to put everything back together." Kelly told her, continuing to rub her back gently as Riley sniffled, getting her crying under control.

"I have made such a mess of things. I screwed everything up."

- - -

Shea looked over when Roman dropped into the seat next to him on the plane. He pulled his headphones off of his ears, leaving them to rest around his neck, and his brow raised, "What's up?"

Roman shrugged his shoulders, "I thought I could pick your brain about something."

"Alright." Shea responded, a little wearily.

Roman chuckled at his response and he pulled his phone from his pocket, scrolling through his camera gallery before he held the phone out for Shea. On the screen was a picture of a necklace, gold in color, a simple, thin chain with two letters hanging from the bottom; S and E.

Shea couldn't help but joke, "It's a little girly for my taste but you could pull it off."

Roman rolled his eyes, but chuckled, and informed him, "It's for Bianca. Just something… the first time around for her was so hard and I just wanted to do something for her to… I don't know."

"You want to spoil her in a way she never got the first time she was pregnant." Shea finished for him and Roman nodded. So he looked at the picture again, and told him, "I think it's a good idea."

"She's due in a month and it scares the shit out of me." Roman admitted softly, locking his phone and dropping it onto his lap. He continued, "Every time she calls me I panic. Every time she even looks uncomfortable… I'm on the verge of losing it every day because I'm terrified. I know what can go wrong and I just can't stop thinking about it."

"You can't do that though man. What happened with Sloane isn't gonna happen again. You just have to power through it."

Roman grinned, "This is why you're a captain."

Shea rolled his eyes, but he told Roman, "This whole thing is scary enough, don't make it worse for yourself. Just enjoy it, because in four weeks you'll have a screaming newborn to make you wish you had."

"Ah, come on, they're not that bad. You never said a bad thing about Noah when he was a baby." Roman pointed out and Shea nodded, he really hadn't.

"Because he was cute enough to almost make me forget being woken up at all hours of the night." Shea told him, and when Roman chuckled he said, "Really, it's a scary thing… it scares me sometimes, but, like I said, you just have to deal with it." Shea told him gently.

After a few seconds of silence Roman finally approached the topic that had lead him to take a seat next to his captain in the first place. He quietly, and tentitively, asked Shea, "Is everything okay?"

"What do you mean?" Shea asked him curiously.

Roman hesitated, he didn't know how to ask what he was trying to ask and the last thing he wanted was to make Shea angry. Finally he sighed and asked, "You're just… look man, you don't have to tell me what's going on, but I know something is going on. So are you okay?"

Shea knew what Roman was talking about. This whole road trip he had spent most of, if not all of, his free time in his hotel room. He came and went from meals, practice, and games. He was on the bus and the plane before everyone else and always the last to get off as per usual, but then when he got his key card to his room in the hotel of whatever city they were in he went straight up and didn't come back down until he was required to. Everyone had probably noticed, he thought maybe they chalked it up to him wanting privacy to video call with Noah and Riley. It was clear that Roman however did not.

So Shea simply told him, "There's just some stuff going on… with Riley and I."

Roman sighed gently, and Shea's brows raised so he told him, "It's just that… what the hell is going on man? At Christmas you guys seemed fine, better than fine actually."

Shea's shoulders shrugged slightly, "Honestly I don't know. I don't know if it's just the stress from the last few months with Noah or the new baby… things have just been a little rough lately. We'll figure it out."

"You sure about that?" Roman asked him, his face and voice serious.

"We always do."

Hours later, when they arrived back in Nashville and the guys all seemed to start disappearing; on their way home to their families Shea got into his truck and leaned his head back against the head rest and sighed. Part of him didn't even want to go home.

He rubbed his large hands over his face roughly before he took in a deep breath of air and straightened up. Turning the key in the ignition and putting the truck in reverse Shea pulled out of his parking stall and headed to the parking lot exit.

As he drove home Shea glanced at the clock on the media centre to his right. Quarter to one in the morning. He was exhausted, and damn near praying that Riley was already asleep and wouldn't wake up when he got home.

They had been skirting around each other since their last appointment with Dr. Kent, and Shea couldn't blame her for it. He moved his things into the guest room at the end of the hallway practically immediately after they got home, and without really purposely trying to, he had clearly drawn the line in the sand between them.

They went about their daily business, they would run into each other in the hallway or the kitchen from time to time, their conversation was forced and only ever about things that needed to be done, or Noah. It was like living with a roommate instead of a wife.

He couldn't see any lights on when he pulled into the driveway, and, in an effort to not wake anyone up he parked his truck outside instead of in the garage. He grabbed his backpack, and suitcase from the backseat and headed inside.

The door was locked, not unusual for when Riley was alone, so he unlocked it and stepped inside. The alarm wasn't on, that was unusual, and Dug didn't come to greet him. So Shea locked the door behind him, set his bags by the stairs to take up later and he wandered into the living room. That was when he noticed the kitchen light was on so he headed in there.

Riley turned away from him the minute he stepped into view but it was too late, Shea had already seen her red eyes and the mountain of tissues sitting on the counter in front of her. He sighed gently and started speaking, "Ry are you-"

She cut him off as she gathered her kleenex and went to throw them out, "Please don't. I do not want to fight with you right now. Not tonight."

Shea stared at her, perplexed for a moment, before he told her, his voice soft, "I wasn't going to start a fight."

"You weren't?" She sounded so shocked and Shea wasn't sure if he should feel guilty or upset over that. Maybe both.

He shook his head and told her honestly, "I came home to my wife crying in the kitchen. I just wanted to know if you were okay."

He was as surprised as he could have ever been when Riley looked up at him and said, "I'm sorry."

And then her eyes welled up with tears and Shea wrapped both his arms around her and pulled her against him as gently as he could while keeping a firm hold on her. She cried into his shirt, and Shea simply held her tightly with one arm, while he smoothed his hand over her hair, and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

They stayed like that, silent aside from Riley's cries, for nearly fifteen minutes. Her cries subsided, and she pulled away from him, which was when Shea asked her, "Are you okay?"

She shrugged her shoulders and didn't look at him, but rather kept her eyes on the counter top next to them as she told him, "It's just been a rough night."

"Noah?" Shea asked curiously.

She shook her head, "I just… I didn't even realize what today was until like… two hours ago."

Shea went through a mental calendar for a moment, before he realized that what Riley was talking about was Dave. He too hadn't even realized that today marked three whole years. So he asked her, "Have you gotten any sleep?"

She shook her head, and he wanted to tell her that wasn't good for her or the baby, but he didn't. Not when she leaned into him again, resting her forehead against his chest. He wrapped both arms around her gently and Riley told him, "I thought about it the other day, and then I didn't even… I went all day without even realizing… it's just been a rough night."

Shea pulled away from her and he took her hands, pulling her out of the kitchen, turning the light off as he went. Riley was surprised when he pulled her into the living room instead of going upstairs. He sat her down on the couch and then he took the spot beside her and covered them both with a blanket. His arm wrapped around her shoulder and pulled her into his side as he found a movie on the TV for them to watch.

"It's late Shea, you probably didn't sleep on the plane. You should go to bed." Riley told him, knowing she wouldn't get much sleep tonight but that didn't mean Shea should suffer as well, especially not after a week long road trip.

"It's an off day tomorrow. We'll relax all day, I'll just tell Noah we aren't feeling well and he can cuddle in bed all day with us. We never do that anymore." We never do a lot of things anymore.

Riley relaxed against him, and she surprised him by kissing his jaw and telling him softly, "I missed you."

"Me too." Shea told her, moving just enough to kiss the top of her head before he went back to their former position. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Shea said softly, "Once a week."

"Hmm?" Riley asked.

"Or even once every two weeks." Shea said and Riley shifted so that she could look up at him with a cocked eyebrow in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" Riley asked him.

He smiled down at her and explained, "Once every one or two weeks we send Noah to a babysitter for the day."

"What?"

"Hear me out." He told her gently but firmly and she nodded and so Shea moved so he was facing her better and he told her, "That's my solution. Remember when you told me I could miss two road trips for Noah's treatment?"

"Yeah but-"

"No buts Riley. I heard you, I know why you don't want to do this, but hear me now. You need this. Even one day every one to two weeks where you get to be off mom duty would help. You're worried about us not spending enough time together? Pick the day for when I'm home and we can start doing things together, we can get back to where we were. Put the effort in, and give yourself a break every so often." His voice was so soft, and she knew he meant what he was saying but Riley wasn't sure about it.

It showed in her voice when she said, "Shea..."

"You finally gave me something, a little but of the emotional stuff I've been asking for Riley and I'm sorry I reacted so badly to it…but you need to know that I love you and knowing you struggle with this stuff isn't going to change that, not in a million years."