Shot in the Dark

December rolled in finally.

Online classes swept me up again during the day and work kept me occupied for the same four hours. Pouring drinks every night was still fun to me and I wasn’t sick of it. I’m not sure when I would be. Hopefully not anytime in the future because I did not want to give up this job or say see you later to Moby. This was my home in a way.

Christmas came quick. Leah and I went shopping at the mall for baby stuff for Mindy because we wanted to get her a little something before the baby shower in March. We just got cute little sneakers and hats and we considered getting her a stroller, but we decided not to. I bought all the presents I needed to, getting a few things for the house and Adam.

He was doing properly well. Potty-trained and still growing, he was a ball of fun. I trained and groomed him daily when I took breaks from classes. He was a very good puppy so far. We played a lot outside in the backyard and he always enjoyed our walks, tongue hanging out happily.

I had a small tree in the house for my first time. It was decorated in white lights and it was a green tree. I fished out a box of ornaments from under my bed and decorated it while a Christmas movie played on TV.

Christmas Eve was spent at John’s parents’ again and it was nice to be there. They welcomed me with a cup of hot chocolate and we sat in the living room as they told me stories and asked how I’d been. They were the sweetest people and his grandmother loved me as I her.

It was fun to watch Adam rip open the wrapping paper on Christmas morning and he played with his new toys the whole day.

During all those activities, John and I managed to see each other often. More like kiss often, but let’s just leave it there. With my disapproval beforehand, he came over on Christmas with two presents. He said they weren’t expensive or diamond holding so I thanked him with a peck for the perfume and record. He laughed at me when I came back into the living room with his present and I grinned as I sat beside him. I got him tickets to a hockey game and he kissed me in return.

I mostly got clothes and jewelry from my friends. Leah and Mindy spoiled Adam with treats and more toys to his basket. There were too many for me to count, but let’s just say that it was almost half full now.

Nate got most of the toys he asked Santa for and he showed them off to me when I went over to Gabby’s house the following day. He was toy-crazy.

John was due to come over tonight after I got home from work and I got up excitedly, setting Adam down on the floor and pulling my long sleeves up only to have them fall back down.

I frowned a little when I opened the door. “Craig. What are you doing here?”

Since when did he get back in town? I never heard from him since Thanksgiving. He was clearly drunk, sleepy eyes and reeking of alcohol. “I came to see you, babe.” He slurred in a flirting voice that only made me frown.

“Did you walk here?” I asked shockingly while looking behind him. He nodded, running a hand through his hair and I pulled him inside. The man had high intentions; I’ll give him that. “Why are you here, Craig, seriously?” I crossed my arms while walking into the living room and facing him as he turned his back to the couch.

He was completely ignorant. “You got a dog?”

“Yes,” I answered, but shook my head and grabbed his shirt so he’d pay attention to me. “Craig, why are you here?”

He looked down at me with small eyes and I couldn’t even do anything but let him go when he took my face and smashed his lips to mine. Again? Really? My hands pulled away from him in disgust and my face scrunched up because I didn’t like this. I didn’t like the taste of bourbon on his lips that he probably just downed and was swirling in his stomach.

Finally, my body reacted to his sloppy movements and I pushed him off of me. “Go home, Craig.”

“I am home.”

“To your brother’s, Craig. Just get out.” I said softly, pointing to the door and watching him leave. I locked it behind him and I shook my head with out awful that was. Jesus, I thought he was doing better now? Maybe I was right about New York and he only went there to drink by himself. Can this night get any worse?

Yes, it can. Oh, and it did. John didn’t come over to sweeten up my tongue and when I called him before I went to bed, he didn’t answer. He’s probably just with the guys right now. I sighed and turned off the light and hugged T-Rex to my chest while Adam slept peacefully in his bed in front of me. I really just needed John.

My pajamas were still on the next morning and I put in my contacts before following Adam to let him outside. My computer started up on the kitchen counter and I got out an apple juice and bowl of cereal before sitting down and starting my day off with classes. I glanced at my phone a few times and pressed the home button, but nothing was on there from John. Did he drop off the face of the Earth or something?

Around lunch I called him since he’d be up by now and we could go out to lunch. It rang two times and I figured he would’ve picked up, but his voicemail greeted me. I squeezed my eyes shut and hung up before the beep could go off. The whole day I worked on my essay and smiled slightly whenever Adam licked my toes. My brain was set on John and hoping he’d show up at my door or call me or at least send me some kind of sign that he was alive.

The next day was pretty much the same. There were no new messages from him in my phone or calls and I was growing impatient and annoyed. I contemplated on going over to his house, but I didn’t want to seem like I’m crazy.

Maybe he just needs space and he’s avoiding me for a little while. That was probably it because he would’ve answered had it been something else bothering him. I just wanted to know what it was. There was only one way for me to find out the information and that was his best friend. And Tumblr, but Tumblr just seemed useless at this point.

Have you talked to John lately? I tapped send and busied myself with food and my computer. I’ll admit that I did jump when my phone vibrated beside my computer a minute later.

No. Really Eric? That’s all you’re going to give me?

I groaned agitatedly and dropped my phone back on the counter. Adam caught my stare and I glared at him a little. “What?”

It seemed like he frowned at me, but he just went back to chewing on his bone and glancing over at me. My mood went downhill and I kind of just wanted to rip my hair out.

Don’t freak out, Andy. He’s probably just spending time with his brothers– that’s it. I got back to my homework after that and shoved the thought of John away for now.

But if he’s just hanging out with his brother, can’t he send me stupid text and tell me that he’s busy at the moment? I fought with myself for the whole night, staying in a glum mood all throughout work and ignoring Dani’s wondering eyes. I could tell you all of the excuses I made up for him and still not believe one of them. That’s how slightly pissed off and upset I was.

Him not talking to me only made me worse because I blamed myself over and over for it. I only made myself worse by crying myself to sleep after getting home from work. It was such a terrible night that every couple that stepped through the front doors made me frown.

We weren’t even a couple! He never asked me to be his girlfriend, all he said was that “he’s working on it,” whatever the fuck that meant. I shouldn’t be worrying about this, should I? Especially since I’m making myself worse by the second.

Adam slept in my bed with me and I only apologized to him when he got closer to me as I started crying. I couldn’t help myself. I was wasting away by the second and I just wanted to know what I did wrong for him to stop talking to me. God, was it really that bad? He’s busy with the band, Andy, calm down. Another excuse for this guy that I just wanted to hug and kiss. I’m so wasting my precious sleeping hours.

Adam was already out against my stomach under the covers and I wished I were in his place right now. I wish I were sleeping and dreaming good dreams rather than being wide awake with bloodshot eyes. This absolutely sucked.

I honestly didn’t think Mindy and Leah could do much. They would probably tell me that I’m overreacting and that he’s just a stupid boy. They might give me advice and tell me to wait this out; take care of Adam and myself and the house so I didn’t drown.

What if I drown myself? Would that make the pinching in my chest go away?

What if I died? Would John finally wake up and realize that I’m gone? He probably wouldn’t because he’s too busy avoiding me and hooking up with someone else.

What if I died during that car crash last February? Would I be looking over Craig because I would remember him and all the memories he shared and how we would get married, have kids and the perfect house. Maybe we’d even have Adam with us.

I’d remember my parents, my grandparents, my cousins, aunts, uncles, and everyone else I forgot. I’d remember the very first house I grew up in rather than just passing it with Leah and her showing me. I could remember the memories made in that small house. Fuck, I could remember getting yelled at in that house– or in that neighborhood. All of my memories would come back and I’d be able to greet old high school friends on the sidewalks in town with a warm smile. I’d say that it’s good to see them and they’d tell me about how successful they’ve become since graduating. Perchance they’d have kids with them and I’d get to meet them and smile ever brighter.

None of that was going to happen because my memory was fucking gone. Forever.

I quickly made a note to drive to John’s house tomorrow and I wiped my tears, sniffling. Everything was bottle up, cork over the top to keep it all in. I had to be strong, even if it just may be because he’s sick.

Stop with the excuses!

Yeah, it’s pathetic, I know. Even to be crying on New Years.