A Summer Nowhere

Lots of noise and commotion always made me uncomfortable, especially when it was happening in my own house; and my house was never as noisy as it was when Brad and Heather were there. But usually, it was just general chatter: Heather yelling about how she couldn't find a pair of jeans or Brad bitching about how his mom let him do something that Mama wouldn't. Simple stuff like that. When Gary pulled up in my driveway to drop me off, though, we could hear the screaming from outside and he practically raced me to the front door.

Heather was sitting cross legged in the living room floor, all kinds of hysterical, while Mama leaned over from the couch and patted her back, trying to calm her down. When I walked in, she looked up at me and gave me a look like “Oh, Lord. Now you've gotta' be a witness to this mess, too.” Heather cried and cried and cried and Brad sat, his elbow resting on the arm of the couch and his chin resting on his fist. When he saw Gary, he shrunk down a little bit, but he already looked pitiful.

“She can't do this!” Heather bawled, hiccuping dramatically. “Right? She can't!”

“What's going on?” I asked, staying right where I was so Gary could barely close the door behind him. He nudged me forward a little bit so he had room to stand.

“Brenda's moving to Indiana with her boyfriend.” Mama told me.

Dennis' ex-wife Brenda was a real piece of work. She was an ass and a half, as Mama said when Heather and Brad weren't around. Apparently, her boyfriend Dale, who couldn't find work in Bowling Green, had been talking forever about how he could get a job in a snap if he went back to Columbus, where he'd grown up, but Brenda didn't want him to leave her. So finally, I guess, he got a job offer and she decided to go with him. Instead of telling her kids in person, she called the house and told Heather and Brad to come get all their stuff because there wasn't enough room at Dale's cousin's house, where they were gonna' be staying. Maybe, she'd said—and it was a big maybe—they could come out once they found their own place. Until then, they were stuck with us.

“She can't just pick up and leave like this!” Heather shouted at nobody in particular. “She's got kids!”

“We're not kids.” Brad told her, looking at her like she was dumber than a bag of rocks. “We don't matter to her.”

“Don't say that!” Heather sobbed. “Yes we do!”

“No we don't.” He argued. “If we did, she wouldn't be doing this.”

I couldn't believe all this had happened within the span of a couple of hours that I'd been gone. The whole thing made me feel real bad for both of them, but then I felt worse for feeling even worse that it meant they'd be living with us, probably. Did that mean Brad was gonna' be going to school with me? We were in the same grade. Were we gonna' have classes together? I could feel Gary's body behind me, stiff as marble. He was probably thinking the same thing I was, and he was pissed. I'd been looking at Heather, watching her sit in the floor and snivel, but when I looked up, I saw that Mama and Gary were staring at each other. The sound of the tea kettle whistling in the kitchen broke it up and Mama jumped to her feet and rushed in to turn off the stove. She only ever made tea when somebody was sick or sad.

Mama called a family meeting at the dining table and when Gary tried to kiss me goodnight and leave, she told him to get his butt in the kitchen and sit down, so he did as he was told. Heather sat real close to her dad and he acted like he was father of the freakin' year all of a sudden, patting her on the back and telling her not to cry. She dabbed at her face with a tissue and whimpered a thank you when Mama sat a cup of chamomile tea in front of her. Gary and I sat in our usual spot against the wall and Brad was across from us, next to his sister, but scooted closer to Mama than he was to her. He wasn't real good at being around sad people, I had noticed. He was either angry or happy, and almost always at the expense of somebody else. I didn't think he had any other emotions, at least not that I'd seen.

“Well.” Mama said, tapping the tips of her fingers on the table, making a little clickety clackety sound. “It looks like there's been a change of plans all around, don't you think?”

She wasn't talking to anybody in particular, so nobody said anything.

Mama had spoken to Brenda herself and she said the conversation was short and to the point, because to tell the truth, she didn't care much to be having any long chit chats with that woman. Basically, they were heading out in a few days and they really needed the kids to get whatever belongings they wanted to keep because the landlord was gonna' clear out the trailer so he could rent it to somebody else. All that had been worked out, but she acted like her children were kind of the last little detail to get squared away and Mama was fit to be tied about that.

“I know y'all don't like this.” She told them. “But you have a home here.”

Whoa, I thought. What happened to the thing where once it was time, Brad was out on his ass? But then I guessed that had gone right out the window now. Where else was he supposed to go? Didn't they have friends they could stay with? Brad was always talking about dropping out of school and getting a job. Surely he could get his own place after saving up a few paychecks. And Heather must've had a ton of friends she could stay with. But neither of them had said anything about that.

“I can't share a bedroom for the rest of my life.” Heather finally said, after she'd blown her nose loud enough to wake the dead. “It just won't work.”

“Well.” Mama kept tapping her fingers and looked at Dennis. “We could take the space upstairs and split up the three rooms down here, couldn't we?”

“I reckon.” Dennis said after a minute, like he was waiting to make sure he was the one she'd been talking to.

“I want the master.” Heather said.

“If anybody gets the master bedroom, it's gonna' be me.” I piped up.

“That's the most fair thing to do.” Mama looked at Heather, giving her a sad look that said she was sorry all this shit was happening, but that was no reason to be an asshole to me. “She's lived here the longest.”

“I'm oldest!” Heather starting sobbing again and I had to use every last ounce of energy in my body not to roll my eyes at her.

“Heather.” Mama said, giving a tired sigh. “You can't just get whatever you want because you're older than somebody.”

“Fine.” Heather grumbled, blowing her nose again. “But I want to switch rooms with Brad, 'cause his is bigger.”

That wasn't actually true. The layout was just different. There was a little cutout where the window was, but the square footage was a little bit less than it was in my room. It just looked bigger 'cause there was only one bed in it. But I didn't say any of that.

“Fine.” Brad shrugged. “I don't care.”

“We'll have to get you registered at school.” Mama told him. “Your mom's gonna' have to give us permission to do all that through the social worker.”

“I'm not going to school here.” Brad shook his head. “I'll just drop out and get a job.”

Mama threw her head back and looked up at the ceiling, like she was begging the lord to take her.

“You've got to go to school.” She finally said. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it.”

“Whatever.” Brad rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, the picture of indifference.

“Whatever's better than no, I s'pose.” Mama mumbled and looked back at Dennis. “Do you have anything to say?”

“Naw.” He said after a minute, tapping the ash of his cigarette into the ashtray. “I guess let's head up to the trailer park tomorrow and load up their stuff.”

“Why is this happening?” Heather wailed, covering her face with her hands.

I wanted to mimic her and ask why she was such a drama queen, since I was the one who was gonna' be suffering the most, but I just kept my mouth shut. Mama rested her chin on her fist and looked at Gary. The fact that he hadn't said a word the whole time we'd been sitting there and that he'd just stared at his lap the whole time hadn't gone unnoticed. He was tensed up from head to toe, like he was bracing himself for something awful.

“What do you think, baby doll?” She patted his hand. “Tell me something.”

He looked up like he hadn't realized she'd been talking to him at first. “Do what you gotta' do, I guess.”

Mama looked like she wasn't satisfied with that answer and I rolled my eyes at the whole situation because I knew she was about to make a huge deal out of something, I just didn't know what.

“Let's you and me go outside a minute.” She patted his hand again and stood up. When I went to go with them she shook her head at me and waved me off.

The back door off the kitchen led out to the deck where we had a grill and a patio set. I jumped up to peek out the mini blinds on the door and saw that Gary was leaned up against the railing of the deck, facing the house, and Mama had pulled a chair out. Suddenly, Heather wasn't hysterical anymore and she came to stand beside me and peek out, too.

“Y'all get away from there.” Dennis scolded us.

“Shut up.” I hissed, trying to be quiet so they didn't hear me outside. “I'm trying to hear!”

He stomped into the living room, grumbling under his breath, “Disrespectful brat...spoiled rotten...stirring up shit...” and blah, blah, blah.

Gary was talking with his hands now, which he only did when he was really worked up about something, but I still couldn't hear him. Then I remembered the lady that had originally showed us the house saying something about double pane glass in all the windows and doors and thought that that must be the reason. He was holding his hands out, palms up, like he was making a scale, and then pointed in opposite directions and looked at Mama like he was saying something like “Well? What do you have to say about that?”

Mama was nodding her head up and down like one of those bobble head dolls you got at football games and every once in a while, she'd say something and Gary would look less and less like his head was gonna' explode. Finally, she must've said something that made him happy because when she stood up, they gave each other a hug and Mama patted him on the cheeks and made him lean down so she could give his forehead a kiss.

“I love your mom.” Heather sniffled.

I looked over and she was all teary eyed again, but she didn't look as heartbroken as she did before. She just looked like you did when you watched a sappy movie about a dog or something and you couldn't help but cry a little bit. She looked happy and sad at the same time and I felt like I should say something, but I didn't know what, so I just said “Yeah.”

We backed away from the door real quick and went back to the seats we'd been in before. Mama went around the table and kissed me and Heather on our cheeks and then told Brad to come with her, because they needed to have a nice, long chat. He didn't argue with her, but he didn't look happy about it, either.

“Well?” I asked, looking up at Gary and mimicking all his crazy arm movements. “What was this all about?”

“You were listening?” He raised an eyebrow.

“No, we couldn't hear anything.” Heather piped up. “But we watched.”

Gary plopped down in the chair Mama had been sitting in and took a deep breath, like he was preparing to tell me some big long story.

He put his hands up again like he was making a scale and said “I told her that if I told her how I felt about all this, I'd hurt her feelings; but if I agreed with her, I'd be fucking you over.”

“Oh.” I mumbled.

“She asked me if I'd feel better now that you were all switching up bedrooms.” He explained, pointing his fingers again. “And I told her just because you and him were sleeping on opposite ends of the house, it didn't make me feel like you were any safer.”

“Ugh.” I groaned. “I'm not worried about that.”

I was so tired of being treated like I was some traumatized victim. I didn't feel like that. I just felt annoyed, really. Brad was like a fly that buzzed around you while you were trying to eat. Then even when you smacked him away, you could still hear him buzzing in the background, waiting to come fly around your head again whenever he got the chance. But I was pretty sure Gary had swatted that fly well enough for him to stop buzzing around my head altogether.

“I am!” Gary argued.

“So?” I asked after a few seconds. “What'd she say about that?”

Gary looked up at Heather for a second, like he didn't wanna' talk in front of her, but she wasn't going anywhere, so Gary told us what Mama had told him anyway.

She said that she was happy that he and I were so close. She said that she thought one of the reasons we were so close was because we'd been best friends before we ever got together. She told him that he'd always been welcome to come over whenever he wanted and she loved it when my friends made themselves at home in her house. It made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. She said that since he'd been over about a billion times, he should feel comfortable. And maybe, she said, it would be a good thing if he were to come over a few nights a week to spend time with me. Because, she told him, she'd rather us be in the safety of her own home than out and about doing God knows what. Mama also told him that, maybe, if he were to be here late at night and end up falling asleep, that there'd be no harm in that because she'd much rather him sleep over than drive on the road when he was too tired. Then, of course, she said that she trusted him to be respectful of me because he was such a fine, upstanding gentleman and, as the mother hen that she was so proud to be, she was proud to call him one of her favorite little chickens—and she'd be just heartbroken if he ever did anything to tarnish that reputation.

“That is literally the most adorable thing I've heard in my entire life.” Heather said, her voice all squeaky.

I wondered what the heck had happened to all those hysterical tears she'd had a few minutes ago. She'd gone from being completely distraught to completely elated—like she was floating on a cloud. I kinda wanted to know what was in that chamomile tea Mama had given her. She bounced down the hall after telling me she was gonna' put all her clothes in the bag she'd brought and asked if it was okay to use one of my suitcases to put all her other clothes in when she went to get them. I told her it was fine and after she was gone, Gary told me he was impressed that I was being so nice.

“I keep telling you I'm not mean.” I said, lowering my voice so nobody but him would hear me. “I feel so bad for them. Their mama's horrible for doing that. Can you imagine your mama just up and leaving you behind? It doesn't matter how old you are... I wouldn't be able to stand Mama leaving me to move to a different state.”

“I know, baby.” He said, pulling me in for a hug. “It's just plum awful.”

I thought that maybe he was making fun of me a little bit, but I didn't say anything because he smelled really good and it was nice to just stand in the kitchen where anybody could see us and just be held really tight. My legs got weak all of a sudden and I wrapped my arms around his neck, letting him sway us back and forth like we were dancing. It reminded me of how everybody danced at school dances. When I went to prom—a fifth wheel along with Sam, Chris, Jenny, and Alan, who was in our grade and could take a freshman if he wanted—that's how everybody slow danced. I felt like an idiot then, but maybe I'd drag Gary to senior prom. I'd probably faint to see him in a fancy tuxedo, but it'd be worth it.

“So are you gonna' accidentally fall asleep here tonight?” I asked.

His chest rumbled a little bit when he laughed. “As much as I want to, I don't think I'd be able to be that close to you in a twin bed with somebody else five feet away.”

“Hmm.” I mumbled. “You know what this means, don't you?”

“What?” He asked.

I pulled away from him and threw my hands in the air, real excited all of a sudden. “I can get a bigger bed!”

Gary laughed at me, but nodded his head. “Let's hope so. For the sake of my back.”

I walked him back out to his truck and told him that he was the only thing that was stopping me from losing my mind and I needed him to keep me sane when it started to sink in that those two idiots were living here indefinitely. He said he'd do what he could and when he kissed me goodbye, it took a real long time and I couldn't help but giggle, thinking that maybe Heather was peeking through the window blinds like she'd done with me to peek at Gary and Mama while they were talking.

“If I keep kissing you, I'm gonna' be able to drive without my hands.” He grinned.

It took me a minute to get the joke and I smacked him playfully in the side. “You're awful.”

“Seriously, I gotta' go.” He laughed, giving me one last smooch before climbing into the truck. “I've gotta' get up early and give the babies a good run. You should come out and see 'em.”

“I will.” I nodded, thinking it was probably the cutest thing I'd ever heard, him calling the colts he'd just gotten babies.

Those horses really were like his kids and I caught myself thinking that if he was that good a father figure to a bunch of gigantic, unpredictable, semi-dangerous animals, then he'd be great with actual human children.

When I got back inside the house and down the hall to my room, Heather had made so much headway, I was surprised. All of her clothes were out of the closet and folded neatly in little piles next to her suitcases. As crazy and free-spirited as she was, she was surprisingly organized. She was constantly making lists and separating things into different areas. Her shirts were all stacked by sleeve length. She had jeans separated from shorts and pajama pants separated from pajama shorts. She was arranging the little cubes of clothing into her bag, putting the heavier things on the bottom and the lighter things on the top. She had two little zipper bags and she'd folded all her underwear into neat little rolls and her bras into little bundles before she stuffed them in there to put on top.

I figured she'd noticed that I was watching, sort of in awe, from my bed.

“I like to keep myself busy whenever I feel anxious.” She told me, sitting back on her heels and looking around the room, like she was trying to see if there was something she'd forgotten.

“Yeah.” I mumbled. “I wish I could do that.”

Whenever I felt anxious, my whole body just started fighting against me. I froze up and couldn't do anything until somebody else could calm me down. I wished I could just be like “Let me clean my room and then I'll feel better.” When she started talking to me, it yanked me out of my thoughts.

“I guess I should've seen this coming.” She scoffed, zipping up her bag and resting my empty one on top of it. “She's always put her boyfriends before us.”

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

“This isn't even the worst thing she's done as a mother.” Heather continued, picking at a piece of lint on the sleeve of her t shirt. “At least now we have another place to stay. When she and dad first got divorced, she wouldn't let us see him and she left us at home for a week to go to Biloxi with some guy she'd just met. I had to get me and Brad to school every morning and we were living off of Saltine crackers.”

“That's awful.” I said. I'd heard a lot of horror stories about their mother, but I'd never heard that one. “How old were you?”

“Nine?” She said after counting in her head for a second. “Eight or nine.”

“Wow.” I said, feeling sad all of a sudden.

“That's why he drinks so much, you know?” She sniffed, hauling herself up and sitting down on her bed. “He feels bad for not being able to be there to keep us safe.”

If that was the case, I wanted to ask, how come he still drank so much? But then I remembered that addictions were called addictions for a reason and that reason was that you were addicted to something. So I didn't say that.

“He wasn't always like this.” Heather told me, staring down at her lap. “He used to be a lot of fun.”

I couldn't help but laugh a little bit, because I couldn't imagine anybody thinking Dennis was fun. I think the only thing Mama even saw in him was that he was somebody else she could take care of. But Heather said that before her parents got divorced, he used to pick them up from school every Friday and take them to Dairy Queen for ice cream. Then sometimes on weekends, they'd go fishing with him. He used to have to bait her hooks because she was too scared to touch worms. I told her he still went fishing sometimes, but nobody ever wanted to go with him and I was pretty sure it was just an excuse to drink by himself.

“I think that's why Brad is the way he is, too.” She said, looking a little bit disgusted. “He's the baby, so he was always a little spoiled. Then once dad was gone, mom let him get away with whatever the hell he wanted to just to shut him up.”

I told her that it sounded to me like that plan hadn't worked out, because more often than not, Brad wouldn't shut up at all.

“Yeah, mom says he's got a mouth like a dirty refrigerator.” She said, explaining “Always running and full of junk.”

I laughed, nodding my head. “That sounds about right.”

“He's got problems.” Heather said. “I think he needs to see somebody about it, but he thinks that kind of stuff is stupid.”

“Did you ever go see somebody?” I had already asked before I knew the words were coming out.

“Once or twice.” She nodded her head. “She was really nice. We made bracelets together.”

“Why didn't you keep going?” I wondered out loud.

“Mom thought it was a waste of time.” Heather shrugged. “That was when she thought I was making it all up. But then even after she knew, she never set anything else up for me.”

“What about the social workers?” I pressed, finding out that I was invested in the conversation now. “Aren't they supposed to handle stuff like that?”

“Maybe.” Heather shrugged her shoulders. “But they can't do anything with me now. And they won't be able to do anything with him after he turns eighteen.”

“Hmm.” I mumbled, laying down on my stomach and propping up on my elbows.

“Sometimes I think he blames me for all that.” Heather said, looking sad again. “I mean, I know he does. I always wanted to be just like my mom, because she was pretty and guys liked her. I guess I got what I wanted.”

“That's an awful thing to say.” I told her. “And I'm sure he doesn't blame you, because it wasn't your fault. And if he does, he's stupid.”

“I know, Jobie. I love my brother. I do.” Heather told me, swiping the tips of her fingers underneath her eyes. “But he's just got so much rage and it doesn't even get a chance to build up because he just picks a target and takes it out on them constantly. Usually it's me, but this time it was you and I'm sorry.”

“It's okay.” I shrugged, waving her off.

“You know when Helen and dad got together and we started spending our weekends here?” Heather said, laughing a little bit. “After our first time here, Brad was sad to go home. Do you remember?”

“Uh-uh.” I shook my head. The only thing I remembered about first meeting them was thinking that I hated both their guts.

“When we got home, mom asked him what was wrong with him.” Heather told me. “And he told her 'Helen's nicer than you and her daughter's really pretty!'. So I told him he wasn't supposed to think about you that way, that you were supposed to be like a sister to him.”

I couldn't help but scrunch up my nose because the idea of being related to him grossed me out.

“But mom told him no, that you weren't his sister and you never would be.” Heather continued. “I think she was bitter, you know? Because, I don't know; your mom's got her life together and all and my mom acts like a teenager.”

I didn't know what I was supposed to say or even just what Heather wanted to hear, but I wanted to say something, so I just went with my gut and said “What an asshole.”

“Anyway.” She sighed real loud and shrugged her shoulders. “It's nice to have somebody to talk to about all this stuff.”

“Yeah.” I nodded.

“Thanks.” Heather laughed a little bit. “You're not that bad.”

“Yeah, I guess you're not either.” I rolled my eyes before smiling at her.

“I'm still not sharing a room with you.” She added, all sassy.

“I'm still not giving you the master.” I stuck my tongue out at her.

“You can have it.” She laughed, pointing at the window. “I can always sneak boys in through there.”

I couldn't believe I'd never even thought of that and I'd been sleeping in that bedroom a lot longer than she had. Not that I ever really had anybody that wanted to sneak in. I could've at least offered if I'd thought about it.

She shocked the hell out of me and gave me a hug on her way to the bathroom. I just sat there for minute after, trying to figure out if it had actually happened. When I figured that maybe I didn't actually hate it, I crawled under the covers and waited until she was back in her bed to turn off the lamp.

“Good night, Jobie.” Heather yawned, adding sassily, “The sweet little baby sister I never had.”

“Oh my God. Shut up.” I grumbled, trying not to laugh, and rolled over so my back was to her.

I could hear her snickering while she got settled under the covers.

“Good night, Heather.” I mocked her. “The annoying big sister I never wanted.”

She giggled then and I thought that I could give myself a pat on the back for making one of the saddest people I'd ever seen laugh. At least, if I were Heather, I'd be the saddest person on earth. And here I was, just begging for an interesting life. She had one for sure, but I definitely didn't want it.